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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Party Issue

36 replies

ChiChiCha · 15/10/2015 18:28

I'm organising my dds birthday party which will be in 3 weeks . The dds birthdays are only 2 days apart but there is a 3 year gap - it's a joint party for various reasons .

Both girls will have school and nursery friends at the party . None of my family will be attending as there are no young DC on my side. I do have a nephew who is 11 and will not be interested in a 6 year olds party so I haven't invited him .

DH has a brother who has 2 boys a similar age to our own DC. They live around a ten minute drive away , but we rarely see them for various reasons.

DH has fortnightly contact with his brother , but does not see his nephews . He texts his brother regularly .

DH has decided that we should invite his nephews to our dds party . I don't think we should .

Firstly , DH brother and his partner have made it clear they don't like me . We have had issues in the past and she has been vile toward me . I try to be polite but she tends to ignore me if she sees me.

Secondly , we don't know the nephews and they don't know our dds (sad but true). Our dds will be too preoccupied with their school friends to notice the nephews are at the party.

Thirdly , they have form for making things about "them" . I feel their presence will cause an atmosphere and put a dampener on my dds party .

DH agrees with all this but feels like we have to invite them because they are family and they live close by .

I'm very much in the camp of I only make an effort with people who I know would do the same for me. Having dealt with his family in the past, I no longer have time for them.

AIBU? I need to get a move on as the invites are going out tomorrow !

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 15/10/2015 18:33

I'm very much in the camp of keeping kids out of adult problems

I would invite them if it were me

It's not a big deal imo.

Original poster
ChiChiCha · 15/10/2015 18:35

I agree worra - the kids aren't involved in adult problems though - it won't make a difference to any of them whether the nephews come or not .

OP posts:
turningvioletviolet · 15/10/2015 18:37

I'd invite them. They're little children. You're way overthinking the rest of it.

Sirzy · 15/10/2015 18:37

I would invite them. I think it's wrong your using your issue with the parents to try to stop your children having a relationship with their cousins.

GwynethPaltrowIamNot · 15/10/2015 18:37

I wouldn't invite them, just something else to worry about

WorraLiberty · 15/10/2015 18:38

The kids are involved in adult problems if you're not inviting them to their cousin's party, because of their parents.

Original poster
ChiChiCha · 15/10/2015 18:39

sirzy where have I said I'm stopping the children having a relationship? Hmm

I have always welcomed them - they choose not to be involved .

OP posts:
G1veMeStrength · 15/10/2015 18:40

I wouldn't. It's a school friends party. If your DH wants to organise a separate family party let him fill his boots!!

Original poster
ChiChiCha · 15/10/2015 18:40

I'm not inviting them to the party because we don't them and they don't know our daughters .

OP posts:
Runningupthathill82 · 15/10/2015 18:40

I'd invite them and let your in laws decide if they want to come or not. Life's too short for these dramas.

I also find it very strange that you say the presence of two very young boys could cause "an atmosphere" and "put a dampener" on proceedings. They're children ffs - I think you're really overthinking this.

Original poster
ChiChiCha · 15/10/2015 18:40

I'm happy for him to arrange something with his family .

OP posts:
Original poster
ChiChiCha · 15/10/2015 18:41

running sorry it wasn't clear in my op. The children won't put a dampener on things - it's the parents !

The party is a venue which requires an adult for each child so they will have to stay

OP posts:
EponasWildDaughter · 15/10/2015 18:42

Why not invite just the boys. Kids only IYSWIM? See what happens. They might not bother anyway.

AlmaTadema · 15/10/2015 18:42

I wouldn't invite them for all the reasons you've stated. If DH wants them to have more contact then he could arrange a day out - just him, his DB and all the DCs together. That way you don't have to spend time with DBil & DSil but the cousins can meet up.

EponasWildDaughter · 15/10/2015 18:43

oh, x post.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/10/2015 18:47

Yanbu at all, your dd dint know them, they don't know your dd, it would be totally different if they did.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/10/2015 18:48

I agree with alma, thus us nit a thing to do at a birthday party, they could do a day out with the cousins without you.

Witchend · 15/10/2015 18:49

I wouldn't. I always think it's so awkward for cousins who come and find everyone else knows each other.

Arfarfanarf · 15/10/2015 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThatsDissapointing · 15/10/2015 18:50

I'd invite them - you will be too busy with the party to notice any shenanigans. I'd do a breezy smile and be busy routine.

Might they not come anyway...

JassyRadlett · 15/10/2015 18:54

YANBU. Your kids don't know them and will probably ignore them in favour of friends (reasonably enough). Which in turn could lead to further bad feeling between adults.

SIL recently suggested she bring DS's cousin to his party (a 4 hour trip, the cousin is two years younger). We said they were incredibly welcome but to be aware it was a largish affair in a church hall, 30 kids of DS's age plus parents, we were all likely to be a bit flat out beforehand as well.

She came the following weekend instead.

JassyRadlett · 15/10/2015 18:56

Thinking about it, is your DH trying to set up a situation where he fulfils what feels like an obligation - involving his brother's kids in your kids' life - in a way that feels low-confrontation/low-effort for him?

reni2 · 15/10/2015 19:03

It is a party for their school friends. DH can organise a family do if he wants to. YANBU. I wouldn't do it myself, presumably your dds have come up with their guest list and their cousins are unlikely on it.

Floggingmolly · 15/10/2015 19:04

They're your DH's nephews (and therefore yours as well) and he wants to invite them to your kid's party.
Why would you cause a commotion about that?? Just invite them and think no more about it.

NameChange30 · 15/10/2015 19:06

Don't invite them. If your DH wants to build bridges with his brother and family, it doesn't and shouldn't be at your DDs' birthday party. He can set up a different meeting or playdate, which will be much lower risk. Why create unnecessary stress for the birthday party?! Even if all goes smoothly (unlikely based on what you've said) you will probably still be worried about it. Absolutely no need.

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