To burn my house down?!

[Thisusernamewasavailable]

Please excuse any spelling mistakes this will be very rushed as i'm currently booking flights to Antarctica as we speak.

So there's a spider who's lived on my wall for maybe the last two weeks, think small, slow and almost cute not big, fast and terrifying.
I've just let him chill and i've even named him been meaning to put him outside but he barely moves so I figured he was harmless.

Just got in and the most terrifying thing is hanging in his web, i'm thinking now Bob's a girl and she's made herself comfortable and layed eggs.
I know nothing about spiders so i'm praying i'm wrong but what the fuck could it be?
It's sort of longish and brown but i'm not getting too close incase I die. It could of only happened since 6am today.

If we're going off of that Facebook video then if I touch it loads of baby spiders explode out of it and kill me right?!
How long do I have? What do I do?!
PLEASE HELP ME.

Are you my neighbour? I'll happily remove it!
No. Well then it'll be revenge of the killer zombie spiders I'm afraid!

Attach long hose to Hoover. Stand well back and Hoover the bastard up !!

Hoover it up and then give a very thoughtful gift of a vacuum cleaner to your enemies - think Trojan horse on a smaller scale

We've just found a false widow in our bathroom sink.

I am sealing up the bathroom, plastering over the doorway and just planning to forget that part of the house was ever there.

25 year sentence for arson so it would depend on your attitude to risk.
Forensic team sent in by insurance company may find this thread.

I used to love those baby spider nest that would explode when you touched them as a child. Happy days. Not in the fucking house, though. Kill them with fire.

Flame thrower. Only option.

Dd2 told me yesterday that the spiders web in the corner of her bedroom had gone all spotty. On closer inspection it turned out to be a harvest spider and dozens of baby harvest spiders. I then forgot all about it until reading this thread.

I think I'll wait till morning and check in daylight.

The real Adorabelle would check now. Then smoke them out with her cigarette.

Photo?

We had baby spiders hatch on the ceiling of our porch. They were incredibly cute. Then they went away like at the end of Charlotte's Web. Each was as big as a full stop.

I knew this would be about spiders!

I've been busy googling spider egg sacs, mine doesn't look very spidery.
Also walls need painting

Phone Corbyn and ask him to reconsider renewing Trident.

I'll tell you my survival story to give hope....
I went to get something out of my car boot the other day and my finger brushed something soft as I reached under the bit that opens the boot....all of a sudden a million baby spiders ran up my arm!!!!! They were on me, and I was screaming almost crying running about the car smacking my own arm and yelling how there were bastard spiders on my person, on my bloody arm!! Which was attached to me! And there were spiders on it!!!
It was horrendous my 7yr old was in hysterics
BUT I survived....obviously ill never use my boot again and still don't feel my arm is clean but I'm here to tell the tale. So whatever that sack of satan contains, there is hope you'll all make it through without burning down your home! (although id hoover that bastard thing up asap!!)

We had a sac of baby spiders on our landing windowsill, once. Fascinated me for hours.

The cat dealt with it while I had my lunch. Then my dad found the remains and it was no more.

My mum probably wouldn't have entered the house had she known it was there.

Morecoffeethanhuman - please can I ask, were you screaming "spiders on my person"? Sorry I'm petrified of spiders but that would have made me giggle quite a bit. I'm glad you survived though

there is no other way

I expect you have all seen this. He lived, or he could have had a Darwin Award.
.

Yep! Yep I did - considering I'd never use the phrase in normal conversations, I must get quite posh sweary when I'm scared - I'm told my general outburst went ....
"fuck me there's spiders, oh my good there are spiders on me, there are spiders on my person, on my person - on my bastard arm, they are on me... yes grab the hose, just get the bastards off"
In fairness my rather large neighbour turned the hose on fairly quickly, must of been my ear splitting shrill yelling that got him moving so fast bless.

Ok I feel silly.
It wasn't a spider egg sac.
My guinea pigs like to kick their poo out of their cage and can apparently do it impressively high with very impressive aim.
It was a guinea pig poo

But you've all been brilliant, especially spiders on my person.

MrsTP yes, you're right, she would.

I'll get me fags. I don't actually smoke.

Ahahahahahahahahahaaaaa!!!!!

Guinea pig poo!

Oh dear. pamish how did that guy not explode himself and the rest of the petrol station to kingdom come? What a bloody idiot.

Oh that reminds me. We found a huge hairy house spider caught in the web of a harvest spider.

The harvest spider wasn't moving.

I don't blame it.

Ignore the crap looking wallpaper, we haven't decorated in there yet.

YABVVVVVVVVU to allow a spider to stay in your home after you've spotted it. Any spider that is spotted in our house either has death by hairspray, is stomped on, bleached if in the baths or showers or hoovered and left contained until someone comes in to empty the Hoover. I have a Henry Hoover specifically for removing the little bastards. Henry lives on the back porch after a spider emergency. When the kids or DH come home they know to empty Henry if he's in the porch. After being bitten by a spider last year and ending up in hospital I take no chances. They're freaky little fuckers.