Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dh and ds to visit PiL?

52 replies

Trinpy · 14/10/2015 11:38

Dh wants to take our ds to visit his parents in either January or February. I wouldn't be able to go. They live in Central Europe and dh wants to go with him one last time before ds turns 2 in April and the cost of his plane ticket goes up.

It would only be for 4 or 5 days but he's never been away from me for longer than 14 hours and I think he's still too young. I only work 2.5 days a week so he's used to having me there all the time.

I'm also pregnant (due in March) and I had a difficult time with spd in my last pregnancy - put on strict bedrest at 21 weeks for 3 weeks, then on crutches. By 32 weeks I couldn't walk to the end of my street and back, pick up something from the floor, or even get out of the bath without help. The spd is back and under control but I worry about being on my own if it gets bad again.

We are visiting his parents this week and I assume they'll come over in the spring when the baby's born. They're obviously welcome to visit any time in between. Aibu to not want dh and ds to go over there in Jan/Feb?

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 14/10/2015 14:29

apinch
It is also her DH's child, does he have no say?

So "his child, his choice..."

LucilleBluth · 14/10/2015 14:29

'Your child, your choice. Ultimately, if the idea makes you uncomfortable, then you are NOT BU'

Wait, but the child has a FATHER, so surly the DC is their child.

TheFairyCaravan · 14/10/2015 14:39

I had SPD so badly with DS2 I was in a wheelchair or bed from 26 weeks. I couldn't have coped overnight completely on my own, but at the stage where I was able to walk with crutches I'd have packed DH and DS1 off with a huge smile on my face!

My SPD has never gone away, 19 years on I still can't walk unaided and have had 6 major surgeries. DH is in the RAF so the children and I have done months on our own and I have done a week or so on my own when the children have been on residentials, or DH has gone on Cub/Scout camps with them. I don't eat particularly well, I don't always get dressed, I read a lot, watch a lot of tv and waste a lot of time. It's quite nice actually!

SheHasAWildHeart · 14/10/2015 14:42

YABU.

PeopleLieActionsDont · 14/10/2015 14:44

Just because other oeople would jump at the chance, it doesn't mean the OP should. I wouldn't want my baby to be away from me for 5 days and my dh wouldn't do it, because how I feel is more important to him. We would go together or not at all.

For me it's simple - if OP doesn't feel happy about it, he shouldn't do it.

saucony · 14/10/2015 14:47

PeopleLie Why do the OP's feelings take precedence over her husband's?

BertrandRussell · 14/10/2015 14:49

I really don't see why the OP's wants trump her DPs.....

PeopleLieActionsDont · 14/10/2015 14:52

Because he is the one changing the status quo. The 'norm' is for the child to he at home with his mum. I would also say that if the mum wanted to take him abroad and the dad was really going to miss him and didn't want her to do it, then in a loving relationship she should consider his feelings and not do it.

I'm not in favour of either parent taking a child away from the other (even on holiday) unless both parents are okay with it.

TheCraicDealer · 14/10/2015 15:02

Having no. 2 will increase faffing dramatically and flying to see the in laws when there is an equal number of under threes to adults will be a much less attractive prospect. On a selfish note, if him going on his own means you can pull the “oh but we’ve already seen you 3/4/5 times this year” line later on then I’d take it. Also it’ll be nice for DS to have one last visit where he holds the sole attention of all three adults. They all love and care for him; whilst you’ll miss him he’s likely to have a ball with his DGP and Daddy. I think not letting him go on that basis would be vu. Time with Grandparents (so long as they don't feature on the Stately Homes threads) is precious, particularly so when there's distances involved. So I would let him go on this low cost, convenient trip while it's still possible.

Completely agree on where you’re coming from re. the SPD. I would let him crack on and book it now and see how you get on between now and then. If the only real cost is DP’s ticket then it won’t break your heart completely to lose the money if you need to cancel.

Original poster
Trinpy · 14/10/2015 15:15

Thanks for your replies.

They couldn't go for fewer days or have me fly out to join them because the only airport near us that flies to their country only has flights 3x a week.

I'm not too bothered about fostering his independence for pre school just yet as he won't even be starting there for another 2 years! He is happy to go off without me or dh for a morning but he can be a bit funny if he wakes up early in the morning, or if he gets scared during the night and one of us isn't there. However, he is still 1.5 so this might improve in the next few months.

The spd thing - I wasn't able to shower, climb stairs, etc without my dh's help, but I'm really hopeful that it won't get to that stage this time.

As I mentioned in my op, we are visiting PiL this week (and next week). If they wanted to come over before the spring they are always welcome, so it's not about them not seeing him. And of course I trust my dh Hmm.

I'm tempted to say yes now. I'm just worried he'll get confused about where I've gone. I know sometimes when I'm at work he calls my name and gets upset when he can't find me.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 14/10/2015 15:15

So the parent who doesn't want something to happen has the right of veto? Wow.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 14/10/2015 15:22

YABU. Let them go but do make arrangements so if you have problems with your SPD you have help.

Then enjoy the rest!

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 14/10/2015 15:23

Let them go.

Your DS will need to be a little bit more independent of you when the baby comes, what better way to do it than with his Dad and what sound like doting GPs.
Far better this trip be his first experience of being away from you for a couple of nights than if you need to stay in hospital with the new baby. Yes he would cope either way, but I really don't see why you wouldn't let them go.

People that has to be the most narrow-minded, depressing post i've read on here for a while. Yes, let's all stay firmly in our comfort zones, never stretch our wings and encourage our children to do the same. Fabulous idea.

Original poster
Trinpy · 14/10/2015 15:27

And PiL are a bit Stately Homeish but not really relevant as ds is still too young to understand any emotional manipulation and I 100% trust them not to physically harm ds. He basically just gets spoilt with lots of cake when hes there Grin.

OP posts:
Original poster
Trinpy · 14/10/2015 15:29

He has been away from me overnight before because i sometimes work nights, but i hate doing it because he gets upset every time.

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 14/10/2015 15:38

I know how you feel, but having had no2, it'll all change anyway in terms of your DS having to adjust to having you less. Seems like a good chance for him to get out of the current state of expecting you to be there and seeing that it's fine to be looked after by his dad and others and that you'll still be there full of love when he gets back. I'd let them go, but make sure you have friends/family here who can help if the SPD flares up (it may not, fingers crossed).

PeopleLieActionsDont · 14/10/2015 15:50

Ali if that's the most depressing thing you've read on here, then you haven't read much on MN!

Imo there is plenty of time for kids to be away from home - when they are under two isn't one of them.

When mine were small, I was quite uncomfortable with them being too far away from me. I actually think that's a normal feeling. Mine are older now and do quite a bit (including trips with gps). I don't think my 'narrow mindedness' has held them back Hmm

I am also married to someone who wouldn't take a view that it didn't matter if I was unhappy about something, that he had the right to do it regardless of how I feel.

BertrandRussell · 14/10/2015 16:07

"I am also married to someone who wouldn't take a view that it didn't matter if I was unhappy about something, that he had the right to do it regardless of how I feel."

So you don't think it's a good idea to deal with your own irrational feelings- much better just to stop someone else doing something quite reasonable........?

PeopleLieActionsDont · 14/10/2015 16:09

I don't consider it irrational to want my small children with me and not in another country.

PeopleLieActionsDont · 14/10/2015 16:12

What's 'reasonable' is subjective. Some parents would be fine with this and others would prefer it not to happen.

Just because your view is different to mine, it doesn't make you right and reasonable and me wrong and unreasonable.

MrsMook · 14/10/2015 19:14

I'd have been glad of a quiet toddler free time when I was struggling with SPD. He's more likely to miss you when you're absent from home, rather than being in a different place. What are the arrangements for him for the birth? Ds1 had a few nights away to get more used to it before his sibling arrived. I know it's not exactly the same, but if DH wanted to take my DCs to MiL's (she's in another country), I'd be fine about it.

Get a grabbing stick to save bending down, especially for fiddly toys. Long handled dustpan and brushes help too.

apinchofsugar · 14/10/2015 19:20

BertrandRussell
This is wrong on so many levels I don't know where to start.

why? My own husband would not have been comfortable if I had taken our baby/toddler abroad without him. It's very different to go away for the day, than to go overseas for several days at a time.

I am not saying it's wrong to do so, I am saying it's perfectly normal and acceptable to not want your young family leave the country without you. Come on, if as a parent you can't have a say on what your children are doing, there's a massive problem.

FeelsLikeHome123 · 14/10/2015 19:32

Could you all go and travel by car/ferry? Do your parents/family/friends live nearby, Could you stay with them or they stay with you if your dh&ds go

TitusGibbonicus · 14/10/2015 19:35

Yabu

MrsBojingles · 14/10/2015 19:52

I totally get your worry with the SPD, I has it last pregnancy (though nowhere near as bad) teamed with other issues was rough (I had POTS and couldn't stand up basically). So I totally understand you wanting DH around on that point. My DH had to go away for two weeks on a business trip when I was 8 months, and I made it through, (somehow). Pile of housework I couldn't do when he got back. Have you got friends or family you could call on if things get really really bad?

I personally think you should let them go, but I don't think you're unreasonable for worrying about how you'd cope!