To think that booking a group meal shouldn't revolve round one persons food issues

[notasausage]

It's the dreaded Christmas lunch booking at work. There are 11 of us in the team. Those of us in yesterday had a chat about where to go and selected a tapas place that has a set menu plus the main menu to choose from. One of our team is veggie which we alway accommodate, but is also currently on an exclusion diet for ibs issues. AIBU to think that if she feels the need for us to accommodate her food needs further she should have offered to organise it herself and that we have done enough? Everyone else is happy with this choice.

"As long as there are some activities organised that everyone can share, there is no need for every social event to be arranged around one individual's personal limitations"

I really agree with this. I was working in the NHS a while ago and we had a mental thorough equalities officer. If some people couldn't do something and complained she'd ban it across the board. So no events anywhere which served alcohol, no sporting activities, no occasions where certain diets couldn't be catered for, no dancing (physical contact unacceptable to some). In the end we stopped having official dos. Until she actually started trying to dictate to a staff member what she could and couldn't do when socialising with colleagues in her own home and making stipulations about who she had to invite. Then management stepped in and we had something where we made sure we had some events everybody could attend, quizzes, buffets, accessible alcohol free meals. Worked much better.

Am I right in summarising from the OP that this person hasn't been involved in the conversation about tapas and you're thinking that if she's not happy then you'll tell her to organise something herself?
If so YABVVU, you should have included her in the conversation, nice team xmas spirit towards your colleague, not!

Agree it's about balance.

It shouldn't be the desires of the many outway the needs of the few (aka my out of office work functions), but it also shouldn't be that individual needs/ desires make events impossible - especially when it's an individual choice vs medical necessity.

I would never demand changes in events due to food choices, unless it was going to have a negative impact on my health eg severe allergies etc.

There tends to be a lot of 'making do' and 'work arounds' to join / get through the evening, as work do's are less about the actual meal and more about team bonding etc. Lots of people make do by ordering a starter for a main, or picking at a side order and filling up on bread sticks, eating before you go out, drinking instead of eating (!) etc.

My perspective may well be different from the OPs irritating colleague though, as I don't have the strength to sit and eat at the same time, so although I have a crazy arse diet etc, it wouldn't even occur to me to dictate and mandate thatthe whole team bends to my needs, I'd be too embarrassed anyway. I'd just really like to get to go to an event in the first place with food way down the line as a added bonus!

Btw no one notices or cares at my work about the consistent lack of assessability and resulting exclusion I feel. If I mention it at best theres a vaguely sympathising 'oh what a shame' and no concept that it's in their power to change it, not mine. At worst there's the 'why should You get special treatment, I'd want it on my side of town too' etc. Basically I think there's an underlying attitude that I should be grateful to still have a job (I am!), and that they've made basic changes in the office so I should shut up and put up, which indeed I do most of the time, but I do feel left out unequal and almost shunned on occasion.

In short, OP Yanbu :)

I'm really sad to hear about that, Misc. What you outlined is quite a swingeing level of exclusion; I'd assume that being absent from major interactive events like the conference, strategy meetings and corporate announcements impairs your ability to do your best job. That is not an impairment resulting from your disabilities, it's caused by their failure to accommodate.

I imagine you have been and made suggestions as to how you can be accommodated at these things (and maybe you don't want the hassle of going through with them) but I'm certainly waving pompoms for you if you choose to press your case!

A lot of people with ibs are different. I have no problems with onions or garlic ( thankgod!) .

Indian food is good for ibs? A lot avoid onions and garlic for religious reasons?
Majority of dishes i see have both of these ingredients in.
Onion seems to be a staple in every dish!

Can I remind everyone that the OP asked:

AIBU to think that if she feels the need for us to accommodate her food needs further she should have offered to organise it herself and that we have done enough? Everyone else is happy with this choice.

Whilst discussion about the many issues that this question has raised is good, we should not lose the OP's genuine challenge in the midst of our debating.

IMO OP YANBU

Yes Sadwidow I read it as

AIBU to think that IF she feels the need for us to accomodate...

Poor woman hasn't yet been informed that the "whole team" have all agreed on tapas is how I read it.

Can't imagine what she's git to complain about.

Either she comes up with another place to go or speaks to the restaurant or she doesn't attend. It's that simple. Everyone I work with lives 30 miles away from me. The Christmas do is 30 miles away to accommodate the many despite the fact the workplace is closer to me. I don't want to do a 60 mile round trip for an evening out. Have I asked them to find somewhere closer/ in the middle/ next to my house? No. Why? Because loads of them want to go to wherever it is near their homes and also I really don't care. It's one evening out. One person can't dictate where the rest of a team go. That isn't being a 'team'- it's being entitled. If she's on a strict diet for a medical problem yes it isn't her fault but she can speak to the restaurant like other people do. I am pretty sure they will accommodate her. If they don't then I guess it's tough.

Is the company paying for this meal? If so, and if her "food issues" could be considered to be a disability, then you will need to accommodate her as far as is reasonable. But asking her to contact the restaurant to see if they can accommodate her needs is not unreasonable. If she then says no, they can't, then she needs to come up with some ideas and you can see if they work for the rest of the group (eg can take the numbers, have room that day etc).

If you are paying for your own meal, I think it's more of a grey area. In that case, I wouldn't go and I wouldn't mind missing out. But if I have to miss a paid-for lunch because of my disability and because colleagues think I am being a pain, I would mind.

Yes sadwidow sorry I've been diverting somewhat!

I agree that it's not unreasonable to ask the colleague to get involved in finding solutions. But it might be unreasonable to have organised it without trying to cater for dietary needs, depending on the circumstances.

Mainly these company dinner / outings tend to rely on a bit of give and take, and keeping the end goal in mind. And unless the end goal is that everyone has an amazing eating experience, it's ok to compromise occasionally, as long as it's not all the time.

(Garrick yes indeed, accommodations could be made to make it possible for me to attend at least the odd one of these events, but I don't think the uphill battle I'd face to get this recognised would be worth it! It's taken a loooong time to get them to overturn the new 'special' job description they gave me when I became disabled, which cut out the more senior part of my role, which was closely followed by their double whammy of 'you aren't performing at a senior level so we want to denote you' grrrrr. It's not very helpful to know they're completely in the wrong when all you want is to do your job. The irony is that the more junior stuff is physically harder for me to do & they get FAR more out of me now my job roles restored. Ooof. People are not very sensible sometimes. End rant :) )

Surely she can find something acceptable on that sort of menu otherwise tell her to bring her own concoction that she can eat, you can't let one persons restrictive diet take over the whole meal.

What bunch of unsympathetic c*nts most people are.

I hope you get IBS yourselves and then see how you like being up all night with the sh*ts because one of your colleagues thought you were being "fussy".

HappFeet, she can't take her own food - they're going to a restaurant! Restaurants tend to take a dim view of people eating packed lunches on the premises!

I have an eating disorder and on top of that am ridiculously fussy about what I eat. I won't eat fat, sugar, salt, fish, most meat, eggs, fruit, alcohol, spices, and so on. But I still enjoy going out for a meal. I just don't eat. Theres various options. I can arrive a bit late (after letting people know in advance that I will) just as dessert is about to be served. Or I can not eat at all, either having something on my plate that I will pick at and rearrange or no food at all. After the first 10 minutes, no-one pays any attention. Or if I was really bothered, I would phone the restaurant well in advance and arrange (paying extra if required) to have a very bland low fat no sugar meal. For someone who knows she has IBS and exclusion requirements, I would have thought she would have a solution already worked out if it is that bad, as she will presumably have attended work social events, conferences, etc. before.

I agree there are too many people who want to disrupt what is already a difficult thing to do (finding a Christmas restaurant) because of their own food preferences.

I wouldn't assume she has a disability unless she specifically states that she has had a diagnosis.

Kali I didn't say that 'Indian food is good for IBS' as a blanket policy, but many Indian people do avoid garlic and onion for religious reasons so it can be a good option if onion and garlic specifically need avoiding. It needs to be a properly Indian restaurant though, not Bangladeshi or Pakistani since it's Hindus/Jains that avoid onion and garlic. Gujurati places are good.

Oh the joys of works meals - so glad I am out of that now!

Knew someone who would veto every venue the organiser suggested: too expensive, too far away, didn't like anything on the menu, allergies not catered for etc.

Finally found somewhere acceptable for this person (think Harvester/Toby Carvery type of place) then on the night they failed to turn up - no reason given!!

YANBU, I once organised a team night out and one of my colleagues was allergic to black pepper so I simply called ahead and the chef made sure her dinner didn't contain it. As a veggie I try to check menus beforehand, if it is a tapas place they will have salad if nothing else and the food is little portions so could easily be customised. Maybe get her to make a list of what she can and can't have and email the restaurant?