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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that booking a group meal shouldn't revolve round one persons food issues

67 replies

notasausage · 13/10/2015 20:40

It's the dreaded Christmas lunch booking at work. There are 11 of us in the team. Those of us in yesterday had a chat about where to go and selected a tapas place that has a set menu plus the main menu to choose from. One of our team is veggie which we alway accommodate, but is also currently on an exclusion diet for ibs issues. AIBU to think that if she feels the need for us to accommodate her food needs further she should have offered to organise it herself and that we have done enough? Everyone else is happy with this choice.

OP posts:

sadwidow28 · 13/10/2015 21:12

Santana Which is why I am suggesting that the colleague speaks directly to the chef. They may be able to come up with a main meal that both of them are confident will meet the needs of her medical condition. (She may have to forfeit digging into the tapas starters.)

I had to do this with a Chinese Restaurant for my DSDs graduation meal. My DSD was vegetarian and the banquets didn't really cater for veggies in those days (25 yrs ago). So I managed to organise the alternative for DSD as I had learned how to cook interesting vegetarian dishes for her by then, but when she mentioned that her closest friend was vegetarian and IBS, I called the restaurant as the person who was organising the meal for 20, but asked if the friend could speak to the chef directly so see if any of the vegetarian servings he was preparing specially for DSD could be 'tweaked' a bit more to accommodate IBS.

It was a fabulous night - and chef even came out to confirm to the girls what he had put in each dish as they were being served. (DSD got some veggie dishes that her friend could NOT eat as he couldn't compromise the flavours - but there was plenty of the Vegetarian-IBS-friendly dishes for her best friend to have a great time and enjoy a meal out for the first time in 18 months.)

londonrach · 13/10/2015 21:16

Forgot to add access to a toilet is good if you have ibs and you stupidly eat food you know your body cant take. Ask anywhere you go if toilet on on the ground floor. I crawled once across the bridge to the southbank centre in london to fall into the disabled toilet with great relief (full cramps so bent double) so i couldnt climb stairs, not without help.

CrapBag · 13/10/2015 21:17

YABU. When I was in a team at work, it was decided (mainly by 1) that they didn't want a Christmas dinner so they said about going to a Chinese. I don't like Chinese and did say, it's very specific but I thought they must have something I'd eat but no. I didn't want to miss out or sit in work on my own when everyone else had an extended lunch so I went, I tried it, it was disgusting so I just sat there like a lemon. There was someone else who didn't like it either.

When it is a team meal, it should be discussed and agreed with everyone that will attend, not the majority and leave someone out. Tapas sounds quite specific, why people can't go to a general restaurant that serves all different types of food I don't know.

PacificMouse · 13/10/2015 21:26

I'm assuming that if she is on an exclusion diet, then it is a short term thing (ie you normally remove some foods and then maybe reintroduce them slowly later on).

If that is the case, I would expect her to forgo the christmas meal and to let you know.

If this is a LT thing, then I would expect her to know wher it is easier for her to eat and to provide ideas.
You could be left with the issue of her proposing something no one else likes though!

MajesticWhine · 13/10/2015 21:27

YANBU. Tapas as a fairly good choice really - surely there will be something she can eat with all those little dishes? You are right, if she really wants to change it, she needs to offer to organise the booking and check her choice with the rest of the team.

Mistigri · 13/10/2015 21:28

In our team we have a veggie, someone who is allergic to fish and seafood, and a severe peanut and mustard allergy (me).

It is almost always possible to find somewhere suitable - actually tapas is usually near the top of the list, as there will usually be a pretty good choice.

I think someone who has a medical issue but also practices voluntary dietary restrictions needs to be flexible tbh. Surely on a tapas menu there will be something she can eat?

fastdaytears · 13/10/2015 21:31

Would she still be doing the exclusion diet at Christmas? That seems a long time. How miserable for her.

I'm not sure it's realistic to go to for a group meal on that strict a diet. Has she suggested anywhere that can cater for her? Friends who I know who did this couldn't eat out at all until they'd figures out what the triggers for them were.

ExitPursuedByABear · 13/10/2015 21:42

So glad my days of office outings are over.

whois · 13/10/2015 21:45

YANBU

She should either 1) suggest a suitable alternative wich suits the groups budget and other requirements 2) call and see if the will do her some plain potato or whatever the fuck she can eat that week or 3) eat before she goes and then just have a drink (of water) and a chat when there.

Fatfreefaff · 13/10/2015 21:52

YABVU I have never had problems booking for people on a very restricted diet, even fairly low end places will accommodate in my experience. It is a bit mean to exclude your colleague.

CurlyBlueberry · 13/10/2015 21:53

I think YANBU. I am a veggie now which is fairly easy, but a few years back I was a vegan. I still went out to eat with friends, and would just have a salad, or plain rice, or chips... or just drinks if there really wasn't anything, but there usually was something that could be made. I'd eat before or after, but still attend social events for the socialising. It was my issue so I wasn't going to make everyone bend for it. If she had suggested something suitable then yes you should listen, but she hasn't!

Osolea · 13/10/2015 21:54

It's a Christmas lunch, something that happens once a year, not something that happens every other week.

This person should put some effort into looking for suitable places that everyone would like, but the organiser should ask the person with food issues if they have any suggestions as well, otherwise they aren't really being a very good organiser.

I can imagine it would be very difficult to go to the person organising and say 'here, Ive found x place and y place, they are the only places I can eat at so could you please book one of them'. So I think the organiser should ask, and only after no help has been forthcoming should they just go ahead and book somewhere unsuitable. It's just mean otherwise.

The person simply not going is an option, but it's not a very nice one and should only be a last resort in a group of nice people.

CocktailQueen · 13/10/2015 22:00

There is a huge range of tapas, both veggie and meaty, so I think this is a pretty good choice. Think you should ask your veggie/IBS them member what she would prefer but if she has no suggestions, ask her to ring the tapas restaurant and ask what they would do for her.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 13/10/2015 22:15

Has the colleague even said she can't eat tapas? It could be a non-issue. The whole "those of us who were in yesterday decided" thing sounds a bit bitchy, tbh. You need to ask her properly.

Runningupthathill82 · 13/10/2015 22:28

Tapas places are surely some of the best when it comes to catering for people with food issues, as there's such a huge choice.

Far better for veggies than a traditional Christmas dinner too - I've eaten enough fucking goats' cheese tarts to last a lifetime.

Hopefully the colleague will be fine with it but let's face it, if not, it's not hard to order something simple and plain to pick at, and enjoy the event anyway. Food is only a small part of this sort of social event - the conversation, drinks, atmosphere, whatever are what makes it.
As a veggie who's allergic to nuts, I have had a lot of experience of meals that aren't my choice (the work do at a Brazilian eat-all-you-can meat place, for example) but had a great time anyway just having a salad. I certainly don't expect my dietary needs to be accommodated by all!

The attitude of some pps - such as the one who claims she doesn't like ALL Chinese food, so sat with a face on during a Chinese meal, is really bloody childish IMO.

Booyaka · 13/10/2015 22:31

I organise these types of thing and I think that up to a point you do what you can. Particularly when it's a real illness rather than a fad.

Personally if this was me I would be ringing around the places that were under consideration to see if any of them would agree to prepare a special dish which would fit her requirements. If you can find one that will and it is somewhere everyone likes I would go for that. It's an awful lot easier to do it that way than to have to study the menu of each place to see if it has something suitable.

If you can't find anywhere relatively easily the best thing to do is go back to her and ask her if she can suggest a few places which she thinks might be suitable. If everybody else is happy go with one of them. If they're not suitable I think you will just have to say 'Sorry, we've done our best but we can't find somewhere which is suitable for everyone including you'.

I know somebody I worked with had a very restricted diet and couldn't eat out. We sort of got around that at Christmas by in addition to the eventing meal having a team meeting where we had a buffet from food bought in from home (a dish per staff member). It was a lot easier for her to exclude things, bring in what she needed for herself and also she still got to join in.

mileend2bermondsey · 13/10/2015 22:36

I dont really see what 'accommodations' you would have had to make in the past to cater for her vegetarianism. Ive never been anywhere without at least one or usually a minimum of 2 veggie options on the menu. You sound like you dont like this person much in general.

mileend2bermondsey · 13/10/2015 22:41

so I went, I tried it, it was disgusting so I just sat there like a lemon

There was absolutely nothing you liked on the whole menu? I generally also dont really rate generic Chinese restaurants in the UK, I am also veggie which futher limits things. I would still surely manage to find something to eat, even if it was just some rice and a veg spring roll.

Sounds like you were pissed they decided to go somewhere you didnt want to so went out of your way to make sure you didnt enjoy it. Cutting your nose to spite your face springs to mind.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 13/10/2015 22:54

SolidGoldBrass I was a bit shocked by

"Just like people with mobility issues need to step aside when the group wants to go ice skating or rock climbing"

Until I read on to:

"As long as there are some activities organised that everyone can share, there is no need for every social event to be arranged around one individual's personal limitations"

My work fully embraces your first paragraph! Since I became disabled over 5 yrs ago I've never even once been able to go to:

Christmas meal/ party
Summer party
Team lunches
Team drinks
Strategy meetings
Internal training days
Whole company meeting where news is announced
Company annual conference (over 3 days anywhere in the world)

... It really makes me feel valued and one of the team

You'd think at some point someone would say 'oh but what about Misc? Maybe we should arrange it so she can attend?'

Grrrrrrrrrr.

milkmilklemonade12 · 13/10/2015 23:00

Most large restaurants these days have a little note at the bottom of the menu saying they can't guarantee ingredients etc, but for allergies/gluten free etc please contact the restaurant ahead of time.

Our local eatery has this even, so I expect it's quite common. Definitely ring the place and check if they can cater for her. I'd be surprised if they couldn't do anything at all. Vegetarian and IBS are two common food group avoidances.

However, if it is a problem I'd put her in charge of finding a place that suits her needs. What has she actually said about this, or is it more you're preparing yourself in case she gets annoyed about it?

sleeponeday · 13/10/2015 23:01

OP, have you asked her for suggestions? If yes, and none were made, YANBU. If not, then I think it would be the gracious and inclusive thing to do.

lexigrey · 13/10/2015 23:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

milkmilklemonade12 · 13/10/2015 23:04

Misc I'm really sorry to read that, that is completely unacceptable What have they said when you've asked about going? What are you expected to do when they all go off to these events?

I agree with SGB though I think; as long as the vast majority of things everybody is able to go to. So not everything involves food, or a non accessible building/area then I think it's fine.

HopefulAnxiety · 14/10/2015 00:13

IBS exclusions vary a lot, and may or may not be temporary (I am on an exclusion diet for IBS). Have you asked her if she definitely can't have tapas, and asked for suggestions?

If she has to avoid onion and garlic, Indian is good as lots of Indians avoid onion and garlic for religious reasons.

If you've asked for suggestions YANBU.

To PP who have said that tapas must be a great option for IBS because there's so much variety - not necessarily. There is a lot of variety, but if the colleague is eg on a low FODMAP diet, it's just a lot of variety of things she can't eat! Sauces are a nightmare for instance. Carvery places are boring but the best option usually because you can have plain meat and veg if you need to.

Seeyounearertime · 14/10/2015 00:23

Sorry but in my view the needs of the many outweigh the need of the few.

Growing up I had terrible digestive issues etc, so when everyone wad planning trips to Indians, baltis, pizza houses, steak nights etc. I'd go and drink water and join in or I'd not got. Why should everyone bend to my issues?

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