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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset that my 'close' friend seems to have abandoned me now my dad is dying?

45 replies

BrightonMum36 · 13/10/2015 16:38

I can't help but feel really hurt and abandoned by my friend's apparent lack of care towards me in my time of need. I don't know whether to say something or just accept that she isn't that 'sort' of friend/person.
My dad is in end of life care as we speak. I am a lone parent to a toddler and I work almost full time as a nurse. My mum is having a nervous breakdown with it all and I'm wrecked. I could really do with some practical and/or emotional help and she knows it. And yet she's avoiding me and only contacts me to ask when or if I can care for her child?!
Both of her parents are alive and well. Ditto siblings. (What I'm getting at is that she hasn't survived some traumatic death like this herself - she's had quite an easy time really).
She's happily married, her and her husband are both lawyers and she works part time. They live 2 miles from me. It would not be hard for her to offer me practical help. She hasn't. Once.
My child is easy going, a great sleeper and her child's best friend.
I of course have other friends who are doing their bit but I would have considered her one of my closest (and most available) friend - up until now.
Are some people just naturally uncaring and rubbish when their friends are in a crisis? Or does she need it spelling out to her that I'd like her help? I've told her a few times what's going on - her response? "So when can you next look after my daughter then?"

This could seriously damage our friendship and I would like to avoid that if possible...

Thank you in advance....

OP posts:

Noodledoodledoo · 13/10/2015 19:01

I categorised my friends into three groups when I lost my mum.

Friends who could cope with me going through something tough and sticking it out - ie the one who let me sob my heart out in a cafe and all she did was keep going to get me more napkins for the tears and listened or the one who came with me to help us start clearing the house.

My sticking plaster friends who could cope in small doses but then suggested ways to make things better, move on.

And those who just really struggled to know how to help me and pretty much disappeared from my life for a while.

All are just as good friends - in fact I can think of a friend for each category and over the past 11 years we are still as close as we were before I lost my mum. Some from the first category who are now more distant than those in the second two.

One in the last group had lost her MIL, who she got on with, not long before and I think she struggled to support her husband, she is not an emotional talk about things kind of person. I like to talk so she probably felt out of comfort zone so effectively stayed away. It hurt but on reflection was probably for the best.

Now is really not a time to be 'ditching' friends - we are rubbish at dealing with death in this country and lots of people don't know what you need.

I agree with others if you need practical help be direct and ask, don't rely on her for emotional support because not everyone can manage it that well - not something to be judged for just a fact of life.

Noodledoodledoo · 13/10/2015 19:08

The endless - if there is anything I can do let me know comments did offer some comfort until the point in time when we needed to ask for some help - then you couldn't see most of those people for dust!

I don't say them either as in my head its a platitude which people don't mean. I offer them something practical if I know what might help or something a bit lighthearted to ease the grief as the lighthearted comments helped me loads more than the serious ones.

imwithspud · 13/10/2015 20:08

Definitely agree with those who say you really find out who your true friends are in times of hardship. Sorry that you're going through such a tough time OP. It really doesn't take much for someone to say "if there's anything I can do to help, or if you need a chat please don't hesitate to get in touch" or something along those lines. I don't think it sounds fake at all, I've said it before myself and meant every word, and if someone took the time to say something like that to me when I'm going through a hard time it would really mean a lot. Just knowing that people are thinking of you and offering a shoulder to cry on can really help, even if you don't take up the offer.

imwithspud · 13/10/2015 20:18

Actually, reading this post has given me a lot of insight. It's a good point that some people do not know how to deal with grief and those going through it, and yes we are pretty rubbish at it in this country. Many people believe it's something that should be done privately - I personally believe people should be allowed to grieve in what ever way suits them. I do think that when you're the one going through it, it can be difficult to see the wood through the trees, in the beginning anyway. What you perceive to be someone being a 'bad friend' may just be someone who doesn't know what to do or say to help.

customercare · 13/10/2015 20:36

When I was much younger I would always take a step back on these occasions because i thought that's what the person would want. now that I've experienced bereavement myself I understand the importance of offering support. Maybe your friend thinks she would be in the way?

Original poster

BrightonMum36 · 14/10/2015 07:47

Thank you everyone for your replies. Really interesting and as always helpful and intelligent input.
I should try to be more direct with her. I guess I'm feeling very weak and vulnerable at the moment and so to have to contemplate adding to my plate of stress another thing is something I would like to avoid. But maybe I should try as I can see myself getting bitter when the dust has settled. I'm definitely not going to do anymore childcare for her - I guess I was hoping it was a quit pro quo thing but it's not looking that way.
I probably look like a bit of a mug, I'm not normally but again I've got my guard down at the moment as everything is turned on its head at the moment.

OP posts:

Original poster

BrightonMum36 · 14/10/2015 07:48

*Quid pro quo
Cringing at the amount of times i used the word 'moment'
I'm really tired.....at the...moment.

OP posts:

YellowDinosaur · 14/10/2015 07:56

How on earth have you managed not to laugh in her face when she asks when you can look after her dd and say 'surely you got your words mixed up and meant when can I look after yours?'

Yanbu. But I think for all the reasons already said it's worth asking her directly before writing her off

flanjabelle · 14/10/2015 08:14

I think some people are good in a crisis and some people aren't. I am the polar opposite of your friend, I'm brilliant in a crisis and seem to know what help I should offer, but I'm a bit shit at the normal friendship part. I tend to disappear for months at a time, but if I know my friend needs me I will be there 100%. I will do whatever I can to support them and help them through. I'm just not great at keeping up constant contact.

Maybe your friend is just one who doesn't know what is needed and struggles with this part of friendship. if that means she isn't the sort of friend you want, then that's ok.

Headofthehive55 · 14/10/2015 08:17

Is there anything specific you want her to do that you could ask of her?

Olivepip59 · 14/10/2015 09:00

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

My close friend went through the same thing and she didn't tell me she needed help. She went to tiny pieces one day and said she thought I'd know what she needed.

I had given her what I would have wanted in her shoes (arranged fun things for the DC, given her space, waited for her to talk etc.)

She saw it as heartless and unfeeling. What she really wanted was to talk about how she felt, have her DC close st all times and for me to give her practical domestic support (take meals, help with uniform washing etc.)

I was astonished at what she needed and said I would never have guessed or felt remotely comfortable doing those things - to me, they were intrusive and way too personal - so of course I never offered.

Once she told me, I was delighted to step up and do everything that would help her.

But your friend, like me, isn't a mind reader. Or perhaps she thinks you want to just carry on as normal. Talk to her and ask her to help in very specific ways and don't let resentment fester on either side.

celtictoast · 14/10/2015 09:22

I also don't say "if there's anything I can do..." because it sounds like a cliche that you haven't really thought about.

Sonnet · 14/10/2015 09:45

I would echo some of what ProudMum said. I found the friends that gave me the best support had been through similar.

Wish I could say that about my friend as she too had lost her Dad although about 10 years ago....

bluebolt · 14/10/2015 10:06

Having lost my parents and I am now at an age where those around me are losing those it is so individual. I have some friends who retreated into their families for support and wanted friends to take a back seat or be a distraction and other friends who prefer the comfort of friends than family. Some of my friends offered and some would wait to be asked and some just did not have a clue on how to handle the situation.

MrsTedCrilly · 14/10/2015 13:39

This thread has made me feel a bit better, thankyou (sorry, threadjack!) People support in different ways..

ginorwine · 14/10/2015 14:15

It could be that she's not sure what to do . Some people avoid these issues out of awkwardness etc .when my friends mum died I just cdnt imagine it .but I did try to be there to listen .
I'd ask for help .
Since my dear daddies a friend of mine died .i have put food on his door step , things like that .i feel I know what to do now - think of what may comfort in as all way , practical help etc as well as flowers on doorstep etc and calling in .
It could be that she has never come across this situation before .i wish I could support you .????

Nanny0gg · 14/10/2015 15:00

All these excuses! She's a grown woman who is clearly utterly selfish! And absolutely not your friend.

I've told her a few times what's going on - her response? "So when can you next look after my daughter then?"

^^That says it all.

I'm sorry for what you're going through, OP. Have you accessed all the external help you can? MacMillan (if appropriate) or Marie Curie? Just because you're a nurse it doesn't mean you need to do it all for your family at this time.

celtictoast · 14/10/2015 15:09

"So when can you next look after my daughter then?"

"Isn't it your turn?"

hellsbellsmelons · 14/10/2015 15:11

I've told her a few times what's going on - her response? "So when can you next look after my daughter then?"

Your response - 'well not anytime soon obviously. But you could offer to help me out as I'm going through this and need as much help as I can get. So when are you free to help?'

See her run.....

Damselindestress · 14/10/2015 19:10

YADNBU. I understand that some people don't know what to say or do to help in these situations so end up doing or saying nothing but this is worse, instead of being supportive she's actually actively asking you for favours when you explain how hard things are for you! Spell out all the reasons you can't look after her child at the moment and ask when she can look after yours!

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