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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset that my 'close' friend seems to have abandoned me now my dad is dying?

45 replies

BrightonMum36 · 13/10/2015 16:38

I can't help but feel really hurt and abandoned by my friend's apparent lack of care towards me in my time of need. I don't know whether to say something or just accept that she isn't that 'sort' of friend/person.
My dad is in end of life care as we speak. I am a lone parent to a toddler and I work almost full time as a nurse. My mum is having a nervous breakdown with it all and I'm wrecked. I could really do with some practical and/or emotional help and she knows it. And yet she's avoiding me and only contacts me to ask when or if I can care for her child?!
Both of her parents are alive and well. Ditto siblings. (What I'm getting at is that she hasn't survived some traumatic death like this herself - she's had quite an easy time really).
She's happily married, her and her husband are both lawyers and she works part time. They live 2 miles from me. It would not be hard for her to offer me practical help. She hasn't. Once.
My child is easy going, a great sleeper and her child's best friend.
I of course have other friends who are doing their bit but I would have considered her one of my closest (and most available) friend - up until now.
Are some people just naturally uncaring and rubbish when their friends are in a crisis? Or does she need it spelling out to her that I'd like her help? I've told her a few times what's going on - her response? "So when can you next look after my daughter then?"

This could seriously damage our friendship and I would like to avoid that if possible...

Thank you in advance....

OP posts:

AmandaTanen · 13/10/2015 16:43

I'm sorry that you are going through such a tough time at the moment. Does she offer to help out under normal circumstances? Offer babysitting if you need it? Have you directly asked for help and she's said no? People react differently, I find offering to help doesn't come naturally to some people, but if you directly ask for help then there is never an issue. If she doesn't help at all, then she is a user and not such a good friend to you.

DoveCazzoEIlMioCaffe · 13/10/2015 16:46

The last few words of Amanda's post are all you need to know. She is a user and not such a good friend to you. It's sad when we realise this about someone we considered a friend but ultimately useful as now you can bale out before she can hurt you too badly. Do yourself a favour and do so.
Sorry about your Dad - it's a difficult time

Original poster

BrightonMum36 · 13/10/2015 16:48

Hmm that's a good question. She doesn't really but that's because normally I'm quite independent and just get on with things without needing help. It's only now that I really REALLY need help and she knows it. I haven't exactly directly asked for help as a) It doesn't come naturally to me and b) I sort of feel that if my friends know I'm in dire straits I shouldn't have to beg them for help, they should want to offer. That to me is the essence of a friendship... Maybe I'm being naive but most of my other friends seem to get it. She just asks me for more without offering anything....

OP posts:

VulcanWoman · 13/10/2015 16:53

These are the times when you find out who your true friends are.

Sonnet · 13/10/2015 16:55

This happened to me so I know exactly how you feel.

I had also been there for my friend through all her problems.

What I realised was that when I took a step back and thought about it all her "friends" performed a "role" in her life. I couldn't perform the role allotted to me at that time so she stopped ringing me.

My DF's funeral was during a half term break. She did phone me the first day back to school and her opening words were "Did you have a great half term"

She is not a mean or nasty person, just someone very wrapped up in her own life. I have seen evidence with other people. She doesn't have many friends at all really and I was her closest friend.

She did say to me afterwards that she had not contacted me as she presumed I would want time to myself

Sad to say our friendship has suffered as I have just removed myself from her orbit. She rings occasionally, I am friendly but distant and don't initiate contact.

Sonnet · 13/10/2015 16:57

sorry you are going through this BrightonMum36 - be kind to yourself.

I was surprised at some of the people who stepped forward to offer me help - you really do realise who your friends are.

Madeyemoodysmum · 13/10/2015 16:58

I agree with the other posters. I'm sorry you are in this situation. My fil died 3 weeks ago with terminal cancer. It's so hard on the relatives.

I know who my friends are now. Luckily had good support.
I'd stop helping this friend. See her if you want as your dds are friends but treat her as a mum who happens to have a child yr dd likes than a good friend of yours. I don't believe she is that. Best wishes.

Original poster

BrightonMum36 · 13/10/2015 17:04

Vulcan I hate to admit it but I think you're right.
Sonnet I'm sorry about your friend. Sounds really similar. It just astounds me that people can be that self absorbed I literally can't understand it!

OP posts:

LagunaBubbles · 13/10/2015 17:05

I've told her a few times what's going on - her response? "So when can you next look after my daughter then?"

Shes either so anxious about the whole situation and how to support you shes focusing on anything but or shes a complete and utter selfish twat.

GloGirl · 13/10/2015 17:06

Ask her for help

Headofthehive55 · 13/10/2015 17:24

Ask her directly for something that you might need.

I'm not one for going around offering help, I don't really see what's needed in others lives, but if anyone asked me I'd be there like a shot.

I think because I am busy myself and have enough keeping tabs on what's needed close to home. She might need a direct ask. I'd try it then you'd know.

LadyLuck81 · 13/10/2015 17:30

It doesn't take much as a friend to say "if there's anything I can do please just ask". If she's not even offered in a general way then I don't think there's any excusing her shoddy behaviour towards you.

I'm so very sorry about your Dad. Mine passed away a couple of years ago and it's true about tough times making you find out who you can really rely on.

miaowroar · 13/10/2015 17:34

When she next asks you to look after her daughter, just say that "No, I afraid I can't do that, for the reasons I just explained to you." I hope you have not been regularly looking after her child during this difficult time while she has been doing nothing for you!

Trooperslane · 13/10/2015 17:36

Be totally direct - give her one last chance.

And then, drop like a hot stone.

Been there, op. You need support not people adding to your already too heavy burden.

Look after yourself. So sorry X

proudmum690 · 13/10/2015 17:50

this may sound silly, but...

since she has never gone through something like this (your situation) she has no idea what you'll be needing in terms of support and things. while i don't think you're being unreasonable (at all) by asking for help or something have you been direct in asking her for help and explaining why? furthermore, i'd talk to her husband see if he can talk to her to help or whatever. finally, its not at all unlikely that since she's never experienced this she's frightened of the whole situation. if that is the case then maybe speaking to her husband could offer some help to the both of you.

i know it can be tense and incredibly emotionally stressful losing a loved one but try not to assume your friend is just being ignorant and selfish and lash out or something. but, if she is being mindfully ignorant then no, you are't being unreasonable at all and you'd be well within your rights to say something to her about it. i hope this isn't the case though and she is just a bit slow.

truly sorry to hear about your dad. it's not easy to go through something like this.

thebestfurchinchilla · 13/10/2015 18:03

Ditto dove . It is so true that you find out who your real friends are when bad things happen. I suffered a close bereavement this year and was surprised at who WAS'NT there for me and conversely who WAS. All I can say is I won't forget. . This is going to be tough for you. Don't waste energy on this person. Be grateful to those that are there for you and remember them in their hour of need. Keep strong but allow times to not be strong, you are not a superwoman.Take one day at a time.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 13/10/2015 18:15

Yeah I would give her the benefit of the doubt and TBH your stance of "well my good friend should just know what I need" is a bit.... child-like or petulant maybe? Some people just need things spelling out. I would be direct in asking and then if she still doesn't come through for you, have a good hard look at your friendship.

I'm very sorry for what you are going through OP. I lost my dad at the end of August after a long illness. Mostly I have had a lot of great support offered by all sorts of different people, some very surprising, but there are one or two friends who are a bit AWOL and make me

Headofthehive55 · 13/10/2015 18:22

I always think the general statement "if there is anything I can do..." Is really fake so I never say it! but I would offer something specific if I knew someone needed that. They have to give me a clue first!

It worries me not how many friends I have perhaps upset in the past!

Osmiornica · 13/10/2015 18:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flashheartscanoe · 13/10/2015 18:24

I do think people who have been through situations like this are actually better at being up front with their help. When I had cancer it was very random people who were helpful and often I found it was because they had first hand experience. One of my friends was useless but I know she is very shy and bad at 'putting herself out there' She always felt she would be intruding.I think you should be very clear with your friend. Text her or speak to her and ask her to do a specific thing. You may find she will be glad of some guidance. If she doesn't come through then you may have to question the friendship. Sorry you are going through this.

flashheartscanoe · 13/10/2015 18:25

Cross posted with the last 3 responses!

Headofthehive55 · 13/10/2015 18:25

"now" not "not"

If someone said really struggling getting DD to dancing thurs, I'd offer to help but if someone was saying dads ill and I am struggling and I'm feeling it...I'd just sympathise with her.

MrsTedCrilly · 13/10/2015 18:37

I went through this myself.. Awful isn't it? My dad died this year and apart from the initial 'sorry' texts (which were lovely) there has been nothing in 7 months.. From quite a few people I considered close. Not even a text asking how I'm doing. I think people are so wrapped up in their own lives and don't want to think of death or anything sad. They only know how to be fun, not supportive. I can't imagine ever not being a support to someone I care about! I'm so sorry for what you're going through I would take a step back from this friendship, she's not worth your headspace when you have all this to deal with.

thebestfurchinchilla · 13/10/2015 18:42

head sympathy is great but op's 'friend' hasn't even done that.

Headofthehive55 · 13/10/2015 18:53

Thinking about it maybe she is just different from you op. When my DD was serverly ill in hospital one of my best friends would meet up with me, we'd go for coffee chat, but never ever mention My DD. In fact I really appreciated this, as it kept some normality for me. She once said to me she deliberately avoided the subject, as her DH had been diagnosed cancer previously and she would have liked similar for her.

She may also be a user or heartless.

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