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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

His money AIBU

29 replies

mummy92 · 13/10/2015 11:48

DH recently left his job for another and he got a pay out off just over £600 I'm currently on Mat leave and due to return to work in 2 weeks I asked hubby if I could have some money so I didn't have to return to work until after Christmas but then in end we decided to use it on Christmas presents only for me to ask him for some money for him to tell me he has spent it on his hobby and he's now turned it round and said he never offered me the money for Christmas presents and I always pay for Christmas presents which I have done but we have only be together for 4 years and already have 2 young children the first was a bit of an accident and now I'm unsure what to do I cannot afford to buy all the Christmas presents and I doubt I will get money from him he may save up and give me some or may not depends how he feels AIBU to feel totally upset please no bashing as I'm totally confused on what to do

OP posts:
Tiggeryoubastard · 13/10/2015 11:49

??
Punctuation.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 13/10/2015 11:52

He IBU. All money should be family money now you have children.

hellsbellsmelons · 13/10/2015 11:53

This does not sound good at all.
Is this the tip of the iceberg?
I doubt very much he is only financially abusive.
There must be more.
I would suggest calling Womens Aid and talking to them in the 1st instant.
This is as much YOUR money as it is his.
It's family money. You cannot be expected to buy all Christmas presents. How is that even an option or possible?
Like I say, I reckon there's a lot more to this 'relationship' than meets the eye.

PurpleDaisies · 13/10/2015 11:53

You need to have a very serious sit down and talk about your finances. You shouldn't be going cap in hand to him for money to buy your children Christmas presents.

honeyroar · 13/10/2015 11:55

Tell him you can't afford Xmas presents and you won't be buying them. If he still doesn't help don't buy him anything, at all, warn family and friends that you're only doing small presents this year, tell them why if it's his family. Your children are little, they don't need a lot spending on them and won't know how much things cost (make the most of it, they will be teenagers one day!)

ItchyArmpits · 13/10/2015 11:56

DH recently left his job for another and he got a pay out of just over £600. I'm currently on Mat leave and due to return to work in 2 weeks.

I asked hubby if I could have some money so I didn't have to return to work until after Christmas, but then in the end we decided to use it on Christmas presents.

- Only for me to ask him for some money, for him to tell me he has spent it on his hobby. He's now turned it round and said he never offered me the money for Christmas presents, I [DH?] always pay for Christmas presents which I [DH?] have done but we have only been together for 4 years and already have 2 young children (the first was a bit of an accident).

Now I'm unsure what to do. I cannot afford to buy all the Christmas presents and I doubt I will get money from him. He may save up and give me some or may not, depends how he feels.

AIBU to feel totally upset? Please no bashing as I'm totally confused on what to do.

YANBU to feel upset. He agreed to one course of action and took another.

Ouriana · 13/10/2015 11:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Inertia · 13/10/2015 12:00

Why isn't it household money?

Once you have children, their needs have to be prioritised above hobbies!

QforCucumber · 13/10/2015 12:06

Is he expecting you to buy the presents for all of his family too then?
Do you live together and pay towards the household costs together?
Does he help with childcare so you can have hobbies too?
Will he be paying for some of the childcare when you return to work or is he expecting you to cover that too?

ArcheryAnnie · 13/10/2015 12:14

You aren't being unreasonable at all.

It isn't his money. It's your money as a family, and you get an equal say in what happens to it.

You have taken a financial hit by having a baby - a financial hit which will last the rest of your career, not just your maternity leave. Your family financial arrangements should reflect this.

Original poster
mummy92 · 13/10/2015 12:21

We both but an amount every month into a joint account him more than me to pay mortgage and bills etc.

When I return to work the children will be with my mum and dad although my oldest does go to nursery paid for by his mum and dad but she's nearly 3 so will soon get free hours.

He is normally quite generous but money is an area we do disagree as I'm a saver and he's a spender were as I would like all money to go into one pot he likes a to keep some of his wage for himself.

OP posts:
ConstanceMarkYaBitch · 13/10/2015 12:23

You should be sharing all money, obviously. You're married and have children together, everyhting should be shared. What to do is leave the stingy fuck and get his money through maintenance payments.

Full stops are free though.

Didactylos · 13/10/2015 12:24

whats his hobby, out of interest
do you have a hobby you get to spend equal time and money on
or are the kids and house apparently your hobby by default?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 13/10/2015 12:29

Do you have equal spending money (whether or not you actually spend it)? If not, why not?

I get an annual bonus in my job. Can I keep that for myself too? At what point does it get unreasonable? ?10, ?100, ?1000? Just because I earn more than DH do I get to spend a big wedge of cash on myself?

Why isn't it family money?

hedgehogsdontbite · 13/10/2015 12:38

What sort of person spends money on enjoying themselves at the expense of their kids having presents at Christmas?

OP does he pull his weight as a parent? ie night feeds, childcare etc?

Buglife · 13/10/2015 12:40

Why do people with kids separate their finances this way? Why are women on maternity leave raising their partners childrn have to beg them for some money? Tell him that obviously he knows you have no money and why on earth wouldn't he but his own children some Christmas presents.

BojackHorseman · 13/10/2015 12:42

I don't see anything wrong with him keeping some of his wages to himself as long as puts the majority of it into the joint account. On the other hand he should be giving you money to buy presents if there's not enough in the joint account to cover them.

Myself and my wife put 90% of our wages into the joint and what ever is left in our own accounts after is ours to spend as we wish. Or in reality to pay our phone contracts etc.

Arfarfanarf · 13/10/2015 12:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lorelei9 · 13/10/2015 12:51

sorry, confused. You always pay for Xmas presents or he does - it's not clear from your post whether you are paraphrasing him saying "I always" or are stating that you always....!

Either way, I think the whole thing sounds like it needs rearranging as family money.

Original poster
mummy92 · 13/10/2015 13:06

His hobby is racing he did it before he met me and then when I fell pregnant he stopped.

After our dd2 came along and he got a new job he wanted to go back on the conditions he still paid the money into joint bank account and he saved up for it, this has mostly happened.

Regarding Christmas presents he may give me the money he's just unpredictable and has spent it at present but he would have money in his wages to save up and give me some.

Also both our dd's sleep through and were bf.

I have tried taking to him and his reply is I will sort it.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 13/10/2015 13:14

...racing...

Do you mean gambling ?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 13/10/2015 13:16

Bojack
Do you and your wife earn the same? If not, why does one of you get more spending money than the other. It's reasonable for you both to have spending money but you both should have the same cash amount not the same %.

I earn multiples of what DH earns, so if we both contribute 90% of our salary I would have much more than he does left.

Original poster
mummy92 · 13/10/2015 13:16

No off road racing.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummy92 · 13/10/2015 13:19

I earn less than him so we both put a poportion in of our wage as I only work pt and spend rest of time with dc.

As for hobbies I do sometimes go out with friends before our dd's I used to have a horse but gave him up for the financial implications and he was pretty spooky so didn't want to injur myself

OP posts:
BojackHorseman · 13/10/2015 13:25

I put several hundred pounds more into the joint account than my wife does, I earn more but I seem to have less personal funds then her.

I will be raising it at some point.