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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think she could have sent a card at the very least.

38 replies

Narnia72 · 13/10/2015 11:37

Ok, this is not about me being grabby. I am happy for people to bring presents or not to my children's parties. But AIBU to think this woman is point scoring on a massive scale and that she shouldn't have accepted the invitation in the first place.

This woman and I detest each other. Massive back story that means she hates me. There's more recent history that has clearly reignited her wrath towards me. [some content removed by MNHQ to protect posters anonymity]

One of my girls has just had a party at home. She wanted to invite all the girls in her class, so I did, despite not wanting this woman anywhere near my house. Child turns up with another parent (fine) and mother picks her up. Refuses to actually cross my threshold, despite being invited in, and when we open presents after the party I realise she hasn't even sent a card.

She's loaded, there's no reason why she couldn't bung a fiver in the collection someone organised if she didn't want to lower herself to actually wrap a present for my daughter. This is her point scoring at her worst.

As I said, it's absolutely not about present grabbing. My daughter has more than enough and hasn't noticed. But if she hates me that much, surely you don't send your daughter and make up an excuse. Which is what I'll be doing if she does another class party this year.

Her vitriol never ceases to amaze me, but this is an all time low for her. I am tempted to call her bluff and ask her what she brought, as all the presents and cards got mixed up and I want to write thank you cards. That would be really petty and sinking to her level, wouldn't it.

OP posts:

laffymeal · 13/10/2015 11:41

Yes it would but you already know that.

ItchyArmpits · 13/10/2015 11:43

ask her what she brought, as all the presents and cards got mixed up and I want to write thank you cards

No.

There is no obligation to give a present, ever. If there was it becomes the price of admission, not a gift.
If you pretend that you forgot who gave what, she might tell everyone how disorganised and ungrateful you are.

why she couldn't bung a fiver in the collection

How do you know she didn't?

Forget it, move on.

Bellebella · 13/10/2015 11:49

Does it really matter? You invited the child, they all had fun.

Save the games for the children and move on, not worth the drama.

Sighing · 13/10/2015 11:52

Move on. Yes, she's played the system and won. It's irksome. On the other hand she's considered her daughter's feelings not to be left out. She may be foolish in her continuing dislike of you, but then you've been vocal of yours. Neither of your daughter's are damaging the others education. It's time to be the bigger person. You don't like her. Smile civilly, say nothing. Don't let her know you've even noticed.

ConstanceMarkYaBitch · 13/10/2015 11:54

You sound as bad as each other. How about you let your children go to the parties they want to, keeping your own childish spats out of it?

CookieMonsterIsOnADiet · 13/10/2015 12:10

Very rud to turn up with nothing but rude to have a collection too so both as bad as each other.

DeliciousIrony · 13/10/2015 12:13

Is this really an all-time low, or massive pointscoring? So she sent her daughter without a card, it's a bit petty and stingy (if it was deliberate - who knows, maybe it was a genuine mistake). Hardly the crime of the century though.
If she didn't want to come in then that's understandable, since she knows that you dislike her. If her daughter and yours aren't particularly good friends, and your dd hasn't even noticed, then you should pretend that you didn't either.

honeyroar · 13/10/2015 12:13

You do sound as bad as each other. Your dd wanted all her friends to come and play, they did and had a good time. It's not really about presents. I can't believe you sat down and clocked who bought what! Yes the woman is strange, it you already knew that. It sounds like you are immediately looking for ways to get angrier with her and carrying this on.

Pantone363 · 13/10/2015 12:15

She sounds like a right cunt

Pepperpot99 · 13/10/2015 12:16

Op you are NOT as bad as her- you are just irritated, as indeed I would be. It is v annoying when people fiddle the system like that. You really just have to let it go though, difficult though it may be....

DurhamDurham · 13/10/2015 12:21

I'd be the bigger person and just move on, it all sounds exhausting to put that much effort in to disliking each other. There is a backstory, you were vocal with your thoughts as to her cheating her way into the school and she is unlikely to forget this. She might hold a grudge for ever and there's nothing you can do to change that.

Your daughter was thoughtful to invite her daughter who accepted the invite, as long as they had fun the rest of it is not worth getting upset about.

LovelyFriend · 13/10/2015 12:33

If she wants to wind you up - it's working.
Let it go!

In a situation like this I'd practice my own version of "disappearing" people - simply don't see her or acknowledge her or react to her beyond the very minimum (in this case opening the door, and then calling out "XYZ your Mum is here" and getting back to the party) - POOF! She will effectively disappear.

I think it's great she didn't come into your house - you don't like each other. Clearly this is mutual. She keeps her distance and doesn't come in - she is at least not being a hypocrite. You invited her in, presumably through gritted teeth when you didn't want her in your home and you know she doesn't want to be there either.

How old are the children? Presumably the FRIEND of your DD was invited to the party, not the Mum? The friend of your DD accepted the invitation. If you as a Mum are OK with the friend being invited (and you were) why on earth are you criticizing this Mum for allowing her DD to accept the invitation?

You do seem to be trying to amp this feud up and it will be at your childrens expense.

You also do seem to be taking the councils decision and responsibilities very personally. By getting this involved and personal and worked up, you will be very easy target to "score points" from.

Original poster

Narnia72 · 13/10/2015 13:02

Ok just to clear a few points up

We opened the presents and I made a list of who bought what because - call me old fashioned, but I think if someone has been thoughtful enough to give a present it should be acknowledged. So we've been writing thank you letters.

The collection was not initiated or organised by me. It's par for the course in our school that someone usually organises one for group parties, but absolutely not requested by the party giver! You may love them or loathe them, but that's for another thread.

I let my daughter invite who she wanted, which was all the girls in the class. If I was being mean and spiteful, surely I'd have left this girl off the list. My children have absolutely no idea about my feelings for this woman, as I never wanted them to be drawn into it. She has not extended the same courtesy to her children, as evidenced by her then 4 year old daughter who told (!) me that my daughter was going to her house for a playdate, but that her mum had asked another mum to bring my dd, as "my mum doesn't want you in the house". Out of the mouths of babes...

I'm not trying to amp up the feud at all. Unfortunately something has happened more recently that I can't go into online, but has made her believe I'm behind it (I'm not, and not involved, but it's convenient for her to believe it's me).

I am letting it get to me too much. She has divided the playground and made it an uncomfortable place to be because of her initial actions, and she is now intent on making it worse. I hate it, and actively try to avoid her and her cronies, but she seems to have started a whispering campaign about me and as no-one says anything to my face, just avoids me, it's becoming ever more uncomfortable. A previous friend, who is now close friends with her, blanked me this morning and, coming on top of the party stuff, was just the last straw.

Thanks all. I am trying to keep perspective, and am very aware that I do take these things too personally, but it's hard when you feel you're under attack.

OP posts:

Original poster

Narnia72 · 13/10/2015 13:04

Oh, and sorry, just to answer another point, the people who put into the collection all signed a card.

OP posts:

Duckdeamon · 13/10/2015 13:10

YABU. She sounds awful but you are now getting het up over a very minor thing. Birthday gifts and cards are not compulsory. Even assuming her reasons for not buying them were petty it's not a big deal.

Twindroops · 13/10/2015 13:10

ugh I'm sorry OP I live in fear of this type of situation myself!

I agree with your point about gifts getting a thank you though and we sometimes do collections for parties too- I love it cheaper presents and less disposable plastic shit whats not to like

Stop letting it get to you quite so much. Is it too late to contact her directly and agree some sort of "truce"? Not be friends but be civil at least?

Gileswithachainsaw · 13/10/2015 13:18

yabu

if you start any fuss about this all you will do is give her ammo and make other people afraid to turn up for parties when skint because you value the present more than the guests.

I am over the collection. I would not attend a party where not only does it cost me fare/petrol to get there, the cost of a gift and card I'm going to have to pay fir being there.
no way.

leccybill · 13/10/2015 13:23

Is the collection in addition to gifts? How much do people give?

I'm a bit astounded by this, have never heard of it before.

Original poster

Narnia72 · 13/10/2015 13:37

Sorry, think we're being derailed by the collection.

In some schools (mine being one), rather than buying an individual gift, people put an amount (with our school it's usually around a fiver) in a collection, the idea being that one larger present is bought collectively, than receiving lots of little presents. It's not to pay for the party or in addition to gifts!

Twindroops - if you had never met either of us or knew any of the back history, you would not know about the issues. I ALWAYS nod, smile and say hello. Sometimes she effusively greets me back, other times she ignores me. It's a very weird situation and difficult to articulate without going into huge detail, which is mind numbingly boring.

Thanks all, I've calmed down, and will nod and smile as per usual and not give her the satisfaction of knowing she's got to me. To be fair, she never knows, as I don't ever react to her. I just get quietly wound up!

OP posts:

Twindroops · 13/10/2015 13:39

Sounds good to me op^^ nothing more you can do is there.

collection is INSTEAD of the gifts round here! No way both yikes!!

honeyroar · 13/10/2015 13:42

Fair enough. From your later reply I see that you're not as bad as her and understand your reasons, so I apologise.

bialystockandbloom · 13/10/2015 13:45

Petty of her not to even give a card, and yanbu to think this is point-scoring on her part.

I'm interested in why it bothers you so much how she got into the school though? Bit annoying, yes, but not really your business is it?

I'd talk directly to the other parent who had been your friend if she are now blanking you. A whispering campaign - really? With grown-ups? If these people were your friends, just talk to them. Or if this former friend really is now blanking you because of some unfounded rumour about you, it's her loss - I wouldn't be so bothered about losing the friendship of someone who doesn't seem to have left the school playground herself and is so easily influenced.

Original poster

Narnia72 · 13/10/2015 13:45

Thanks Honeyroar

Twindroops - same here - either present/or collection, not both! That would be madness!

OP posts:

Narnia72 · 13/10/2015 13:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bubbletree4 · 13/10/2015 13:55

She sounds like a nasty piece of work. Just have nothing to do with her. I know that's difficult at school, I've had to do it with a similarly nasty, lying woman. But it is possible and life will be better!

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