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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider taking dcs down under without dh?!

57 replies

bedraggledmumoftwo · 13/10/2015 09:48

Two very good friends of ours are finally tying the knot, but just got the invite and it is in six months in new Zealand as one of them is a kiwi. Bit of a shock but I was talking to dh and saying it is a bit inconvenient and short notice but we have to go as they are some of our best friends (both of them), godparents to our children, we have been hassling them about getting married for years since she caught the bouquet at our wedding etc etc. At this point I am pretty sure he agreed with me, even said something about doing some work in the office over there, and we both sat down and showed dd1 a globe and explained where it was, and why we were going. Then I started looking at flights.

Later dh got really stressy with me and said he didn't think we could go and that he hadn't agreed really I think he did but got worked up later and accused me of stressing him out looking at flights when the bottom line is we can't go. He is going for a promotion at work and doesn't know whether there will be something he needs to go to in six months (long drawn out process) and said if he signed up to going then it was like tempting fate and assuming he hadn't got the promotion.

Now I am torn. Luckily I haven't yet replied to say we would definitely be coming (nearly did after our first discussion) but at the same time I still feel that we should really go for all the previous stated reasons. I am pretty sure that at some point they were talking about wedding location and we encouraged them to have it there and said we would definitely come!

So now I am considering going without him, with my two dds (will be 2 and 4) which would obviously be pretty stressful for me, 24 hour flights and all, or toying with the idea that my mum could come.

So aibu to even consider taking them halfway round the globe without him? I am really torn because they are really good friends and I dont want to say no, but don't want to stress dh out any more than he already is.

OP posts:
Original poster
bedraggledmumoftwo · 13/10/2015 14:25

Also he travels long haul quite a lot for work so he is not excited by the idea.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 13/10/2015 15:02

I think it sounds like a great idea but the reality might be very stressful. If you DH works away and long hours you are used to having them all by yourself so that's not an issue. Is your DM going to be a great help and very stoic?

Jet lag with DC is hell. I think worse than the flights.

AllChangeLife · 13/10/2015 15:15

I'd go... take your mum if you like, especially as she can help with the flight.

You only live once, it might be stressful flying but plan well and you can reduce the stress as much as possible.

Original poster
bedraggledmumoftwo · 13/10/2015 17:50

Yes I am used to having them on my own most of the time, albeit not in a confined space. Dh will think I'm mad but he only has them on his own for a few hours at a time and cant get through bathtime without assistance! My mum would be a big help if she came along though

OP posts:
GloGirl · 13/10/2015 18:02

I'd go and expect my DH to take some holiday to look after his children. In fact we've had the same conversation as our DC are both under 4 and I am expecting my DB to get married soon and he lives far away.

GloGirl · 13/10/2015 18:04

And by holiday time I mean he stays at home whilst I go by myself. We wouldn't have the finances for a big holiday for all 4 of us when the DC are so young and would forget it.

rookiemere · 13/10/2015 18:05

Can you afford for you to go with DCs and DM ?
If so then it sounds ok.

If not then maybe go for a shorter period by yourself with DM and DMIL in to look after DCs whilst DH at work.

I'm off to San Francisco next year for a wedding on my own leaving DS and DH at home - can't wait. Heck of a long trip for a week though, but there we go.

Narp · 13/10/2015 18:09

Do you think your mother meant NZ when she talked about going on holiday with you?

My mum is amazing, but i think even she'd baulk at a long-haul flight to someone's wedding to help me out

Narp · 13/10/2015 18:11

Went to California with DH when mine were 2 and 4. Hellish flight and jet lag.

Narp · 13/10/2015 18:11

.... lovely holiday though in the end, with DH there

EternalDalmatian · 13/10/2015 18:12

Tbh I think the most unreasonable people in this scenario are the bride and groom. 6 months notice to fly to New Zealand? What were they thinking?

NerrSnerr · 13/10/2015 18:35

I wouldn't appreciate being roped into looking after someone's else's children when I was going on holiday- especially my own wedding!!

For me it depends on your finances and annual leave. If this wedding means you can't have a family holiday with you all together then I wouldn't go.

fruitlovingmonkey · 13/10/2015 18:44

My friend went to a wedding in Aus and left her young ds at home. She was only there for a week but every waking minute of it was spent catching up with old friends and having fun. If she'd taken ds then a lot of her time would've been spent on him so 2 or 3 weeks with him in tow would probably equal 1 week flying solo. You would only need to be gone 8 days and can make the most of your time there, especially if you travel with friends.

whois · 13/10/2015 18:44

I would leave the kids wiht DH and go on my own.

If you're not making it into an extended holiday its just a big fat p.i.t.a for the kids, and for you to take them. Be honest, a 2 nad 4 year old won't get much out of schlepping all the way to NZ for a wedding.

Bunbaker · 13/10/2015 18:56

"If I could time the flights to go over at the same time as the bride and groom or a mutual friend I could get them to help distract the kids on the plane at least."

Are you sure they would want to?

I wouldn't appreciate being roped in to look after someone else's small children on such a long flight.

JassyRadlett · 13/10/2015 19:26

We do Australia once a year - the 4yo should be fine (DS was great this year at 3.5) but 2 is more challenging - less of an attention span.

If you did do it, I'd do a 12 hour plus layover somewhere like Singapore. Get a hotel room either airside or linked to the airport so you can all get a proper, comfortable sleep - it helps with the jet lag too. Then wear the kids out in the airport (playground, pool, etc - that's why Singapore is so great).

Worst flight we did was when DS was 18 months and we did a shortish layover in Dubai. The airport was shit for kids, the flight lengths were too mismatched, and it was pretty miserable. Plus, at 18 months DS was too big just to sleep through it but too young to be distracted by iPad/movies for more than 5 minutes.

Original poster
bedraggledmumoftwo · 13/10/2015 22:37

I think my mum would be up for it. She has flown to west America a number of times, most recently to go to my brother's sil's wedding for some reason.

Not sure my friends would be all that delighted at being roped into distracting dds (their godchildren) but I wouldn't be Palming them off on anyone, I was more talking about entertaining them while I was in the loo or whatever. I was just thinking it could be quite a nice festive atmosphere if we could get the same flight.

I would love to go alone, but would have to cut the time down to the minimum for the girls sakes, which would make it seem less worth it. Of course it would also cost a fraction of the cost of us all going so I might suggest that too.

I have recently taken a redundancy package and am now a sahm so no annual leave issues. DD not compulsory school age yet, so only person with leave issues would be dh, but if he were to come we would definitely turn it into a proper holiday. If it was just me and or the girls he would still have his leave to take in the summer. Although to be honest he usually ends up selling some of his leave back each year as he fails to use it.

OP posts:
GloGirl · 13/10/2015 22:52

Go go go on your own, I'm sure 10 days will fly by and you will get the chance to be a grown up for once in a few days! Might be nice for your DH to step up to the plate too.

I am living through you! GO!

Seeyounearertime · 13/10/2015 22:58

Seems OP, that you already know that you're going an are looking for justification from the faceless dwellers of AIBU. :)
Just go, have fun, if OH wnats to com then he can.

Original poster
bedraggledmumoftwo · 15/10/2015 18:34

I'm actually leaning the other way now. Had a particularly trying few days with dcs, dd2 about to become two and practising being terrible, so the prospect of two 24 hour or more journeys with them is starting to look like madness, as other pps have said.

Managed to book a short break to morocco for dh and I which has momentarily quelled my wanderlust fantasies about going on my own.

Other invited mutual friend has said they cant go so if I did go solo I would probably end up knowing noone at the actual wedding.

Haven't spoken to bride yet as dh still overseas and will talk it through with him first but it is looking likely i will have to make our apologies and hope they aren't too offended.

OP posts:
Original poster
bedraggledmumoftwo · 15/10/2015 21:08

-obviously I would know the bride and groom but they will obviously be quite busy!

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/10/2015 05:00

Oh look, they've no business being offended if you can't make a solo trip across the world with 2 under 5s! That would be ridiculous. Sure, they can be disappointed - I would be - but not offended. It's the risk you take when you have weddings far away from half the family and/or friends. DH only had his mum, aunt and brother at our wedding - and his brother was touch and go! (Mind you, he doesn't have many friends, didn't really keep up with more than 2 of them from his yoof, and he didn't invite either of them anyway as they both had young families).

I wasn't offended that people couldn't come from Scotland to London! Sad yes, but not offended. HTH :) Thanks

Original poster
bedraggledmumoftwo · 18/10/2015 13:55

So I spoke to bride and explained that DH couldn't come and that I had thought about just bringing the children, but decided it would be a nightmare. I left the remote possibility of me coming alone on the table, partly to gauge her reaction, ie if she said oh no dont worry I would think she wasn't that fussed. She did seem keen though and was understanding about dh and kids not being a possibility. Dh thinks I'm mad to consider it- he said to make it worth going re flights and jetlag I would have to go for a fortnight, and that he did think that would be unreasonable. I said I would go for the minimum time (probably around a week) if I did go, and he seemed vaguely ok with that, although i think he is still thinking i shouldn't bother.

Obviously it I much cheaper if it is just me, in fact I could probably book with airmiles if I only need one seat. I am still really keen to go, despite not knowing their families.

So now the question is wibu to go halfway around the world without dcs and dh?!

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/10/2015 14:12

Can't answer that. But I think you'd be insane to only go for a week regardless! I think if your DH is balking at 2 weeks, then at least try for 10 days! Otherwise you'll only just have recovered from the jet lag and you'll be off again, and have to go through it again! I know people do it "all the time" on business trips but if you don't have those time constraints, then don't put yourself through it.

How do you think you'd cope without your DC for 10-14 days?

landrover · 18/10/2015 14:14

Absolutely you should go! and your OH should be completely supportive. As it is him that is generally away on work (jollies?), he should step up to the plate and tell you to go. Im really surprised that he hasn't said that, particularly as he has a very random reason not to go (Might get promotion, might have to go away!) He can't book a family holiday either if he is thin king like that? I would find that a very strange reason. Good luck OP and go on your own! xx