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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about the way MIL speaks to my nephew? I might be...

51 replies

TheHouseOnTheLane · 13/10/2015 05:09

Firstly, I will say that I accept if I AM BU because I do tend to be very sensitive at times...and especially to language and the way it's used.

Ok. MIL speaks to her 2 year old grandson (SILS child) in a very specific way...she does not and has never said these things or similar to my two girls (who she has also adored) my girls are 7 and 11.

She will say to my little nephew the following when she's looking after him

"Oh he likes to be in charge...are you supervising the girls?"

"Here he is...look at him, managing things!"

"Oh he's such a little man! Isn't he? He's SUCH a man."

For eg. he will run off with a tool or something and she says "He;ll give it back when he is ready to...he's just letting us know whose in charge."

Hmm

The constant references to him being in charge, managing, supervising etc are REALLY getting my goat and I think there's an ingrained sexism to it.

AIBU?

Today she said something along these lines and I couldn't help myself...she always says it in front of my girls and I don't want them thinking this crap is true...so I said "You might find that telling him he's in charge so much comes back to haunt you when he's 6 and isn't so pliable"

I said it in a light fashion.

She didn't say anything. But I'm right...I think.

OP posts:
CoraPirbright · 13/10/2015 09:57

Ooh that's brilliant KurriKurri. OP, say that!!

If you are worried about what your girls are picking up, perhaps on another occasion tell your dds that granny is hopelessly old fashioned and that we do not think like that anymore.

Homebird8 · 14/10/2015 01:02

Just as a matter of interest, how old is MIL? It's the sort of behaviour I'd expect of GMIL.

Atenco · 14/10/2015 01:18

Yeap, I was going to take the PP above to task for saying that men were in charge in grandmother's day, because this woman is unlikely to be younger than I am and neither I nor my contemporaries were so sexist. The feminist movement had been going for a while by that stage.

Homebird8 · 14/10/2015 04:43

Perhaps encourage the DDs to remind grandma that we are Elizabethans not Edwardians.

Baconyum · 14/10/2015 05:06

I don't understand the pussyfooting around. I'd be telling dh to tell her to pack it in or else my dd's wouldn't be going round!

Utterly unreasonable and not an age thing my grandparents never stood for this nonsense and they'd be in their 90's/100's now!

In fact one of my grandparents had a Mil that would only buy gifts for her sons. She returned the gifts telling Mil either she bought for all the kids or none!

Brioche201 · 14/10/2015 05:29

I am going to go against the grain. You are projecting and reading into the situation something that just isn't there. Have you n ever heard people joking that the the baby/toddler rules the roost? Its just a joke.you married her own ds so she must gave done a good job

GruntledOne · 14/10/2015 06:16

Brioche, how do you tie that theory in with the fact that she hasn't ever used similar terms when talking to her dgds?

TheLambShankRedemption · 14/10/2015 07:14

Train your DDs to say 'what's with the sexism grandma?'

diddl · 14/10/2015 08:25

It might only be meant as a joke & atm the GS might not pick up on it yet, but the girls will notice now and he will do soon.

Homebird8 · 14/10/2015 20:47

you married her own ds so she must gave done a good job

Goodness, Brioche. Mention that to all the people who find themselves in a marriage with someone who turns out not to be so perfect. Agreeing to a marriage proposal is not a golden honour for the person's parents.

Personally, and back to the topic in hand, I like LambShanks idea of helping the DDs to have assertive comments to make. Perhaps MIL will listen to them.

pluck · 15/10/2015 11:46

I agree. Also, Brioche, note the OP said in answer to a question about how MIL's own son (OP's DH) had turned out: "if I'm honest, not without some issues.

"He had a problem with drinking and also....yes...was very bossy. He's worked on himself a LOT over our years together though."

Seriouslyffs · 15/10/2015 12:03

I can imagine it being said in many situations with children. Eg the youngest or the only girl. It's almost like mentionitis though- Do you think she's wondering whether you wanted a boy and is trying clumsily to start a conversation about gender? No harm in mentioning that he's not in charge because he's a boy and definitely mention to your dds that Granny's got old fashioned ideas!

Baconyum · 15/10/2015 20:14

Brioche 'only a joke's is an appallingly bad excuse! Used by bullies, misogynists, racists and other bigots of all kinds!

Brioche201 · 16/10/2015 00:38

Oh dear! Life must be such a struggle when you take everything SOOO seriously

Original poster
TheHouseOnTheLane · 16/10/2015 03:23

Another bully's excuse Brioche.

OP posts:
Aussiemum78 · 16/10/2015 04:01

Tbh with the age gap I'd first think it was a joke about his age/personality (I think we made the same jokes about toddler dd because she'd try and organise the older kids who indulged her and played along).

But if you think it is a gender issue, I would quietly talk to your daughters about how some things are wrong/unfair, and possibly tell MIl that you are concerned that your girls might be insulted by her remarks.

I talk with my dd about these issues regularly and I'm really happy that she now recognises and is assertive about these kinds of incidents - she has emailed teachers to point out unfair treatment at school in a polite manner so these moments can be valuable (?) in teaching your girls too.

Senpai · 16/10/2015 04:17

Everyone jokes about how DD has everyone wrapped around her little fingers, or is the one running things around here. My dad jokes that he's her man servant put on this earth to fetch bottles and toys for her. He'll ask how he can serve her today. At home we jokingly call her little empress. Our schedules do revolve around her quite a bit at the moment because she's young and if she doesn't get food or a nap on time it's not fun for anyone in the general vicinity.

It could be gender. It could be that he has a much more boisterous and outgoing personality than your DD's. Or it could simply be because he's the youngest (and baby of the family). She might not be lying about how she's making the remarks because he's the baby and the youngest normally do get their way.

But if you have a problem with it, challenge it. Let her know those jokes aren't appreciated.

DD really has no problem thinking she's not the boss of anyone. She patiently waits her turn to the point of exasperation and doesn't get upset when other children don't do what she wants.

LisbethSalandersLaptop · 16/10/2015 04:32

Brioche that is a really ignorant reaction

tobysmum77 · 16/10/2015 08:11

Well 2yos often do think they're the boss, both my dds did anyway.

It would very much get on my wick though op. If it was my mil I'd just tell her not to do it.

Brioche201 · 16/10/2015 10:53

Confused Who is the ignorant biggotted bully?? Me , The grandma, the 2 yo?

Brioche201 · 16/10/2015 10:58

I am genuinely flabbergasted that anyone has the headspace to analyse or care about a grandmothers inane prattle to her 2 yo qrandson.

Homebird8 · 17/10/2015 01:16

*Oh he likes to be in charge...are you supervising the girls?

Here he is...look at him, managing things!

Oh he's such a little man.

He'll give it back when he is ready to...he's just letting us know whose in charge.*

And the child has the headspace to hear,

"You are the man and must manage and supervise females, even to the point of depriving them of things just because you choose to."

We've all been thinking about what the girls hear. What about what the boy hears?

Adults may be able to discern a joke, if indeed there is one. The subconscious minds of the children cannot.

Euripidesralph · 17/10/2015 03:37

Brioche your responses are textbook defined as "gas lighting" .... Seriously I produce training resources on the issues and I've used almost exactly the words you have used here as examples..... It's a technique heavily used by those with issues with healthy behaviour modification abilities and in extreme cases abusive behaviour

You may find it useful to look up

Op this would drive me mad as well I'd personally prefer to tackle it outright but if you prefer not to some of the above suggestions sound great

Good luck

Baconyum · 17/10/2015 05:03

Brioche's comments actually are reminding me of comments a co worker who bullied me used. I ended up leaving a job I really enjoyed as a result (normally as you can probably tell I'd stand up for myself but I had other stuff going on including health worries which she knew).

KoalaDownUnder · 17/10/2015 05:13

YANBU.

That would reeeeally rub me up the wrong way. Shock