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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my Mum is rude or maybe the real Hyacinth bouquet !!

41 replies

whatisforteamum · 12/10/2015 13:04

Last week my Mum came with my Dad to drop off some late birthday flowers.She wouldnt come into the house when invited and stood by the doorstep pointing out a dirty windowsill,just a little bit of mud from the flower bed had splashed up!.Today she informed me that my front blinds had mildew on them (i know if you stare enough) and the window needs cleaning i checked it is fine,
The thing is i am 49 i have just started a new job on shift work so has our dd and we take her and collect her at 1130 pm.Our washing machine packed up for 1 week and since my car was hit by a lorry and written off all freetime has been spent car hunting.
I clean every day washing hoovering kitchen bathroom most days.My dh has accused me of being like my f ing mother as i am quite house proud.
My Mum hasnt been round in 7 yrs though dad has popped in.I think it is very rude to give someone flowers then insult their cleanliness especially as she never worked and ive been working fulltime.I am gobsmacked someone can be so rude :(

OP posts:

Cloppysow · 12/10/2015 13:08

RICHARD!

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 12/10/2015 13:11

Ha ha brilliant :)

OP posts:

Gruntfuttock · 12/10/2015 13:12

Why doesn't your mother come in?

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 12/10/2015 13:19

no idea she lives in the same town just never comes round.She made out it was because of dad who is ill with cancer but it was chilly and they stood on the step when they were welcome to come in.Sad really our home is as clean as anyones.Infact my cleanliness is remarked on at work (work in a kitchen and love cleaning)

OP posts:

Meow75 · 12/10/2015 13:19

"If the only reason you are here is to criticise, please sit in the car whilst Dad visits, and don't return until you are able to accept that this is our house and we can keep it how we wish. If you feel it is not up to your standard, you're under no obligation to visit."

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/10/2015 13:23

"My Mum hasnt been round in 7 yrs though dad has popped in."
She sounds a nightmare .

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 12/10/2015 13:24

True meow :) if i had more freetime i would do more i have very little at present.constant criticism.she used to say she couldnt visit as we werent married.Now 27 yrs later it is the splashed windowsill heaven forbid i come home at 11 pm it is pitch black.

OP posts:

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 12/10/2015 13:41

she is whereyouleft it nothing is ever good enough the food we buy the quilts (from primark not house of fraser) our jobs.the dcs exam results our hols etc.Draining.

OP posts:

OnlyLovers · 12/10/2015 13:42

Utterly rude. She needs a life.

Every time she criticises your duvet or exam results or whatever, just say 'I'm not interested in your unhelpful comments.' EVERY time.

Stratter5 · 12/10/2015 13:46

She sounds horrific, I think you need to actively encourage her to not come round for another 7 years.

Kolakubism · 12/10/2015 13:48

YADNBU!!

Until you reached the bit about her not coming round in the past 7 years I was kind of thinking "well, that's mum's for you isn't it?" My mum has got an incredibly annoying habit of pointing out anything and everything that isn't up to her exacting standards and I've learned to take it on the chin. Or tell her she knows where the duster/mop/hoover etc is if she wants to do something about it. Half of me thinks she just likes winding me up and the other half thinks well maybe she does mean well in her own way.

I work full time and have a DD so I know how it is. Its hard! Thing is, my DM's house isn't exactly something out of a Flash advert either but I never say anything to her. God help my DD if I ever get like my DM!!

So yeah, YANBU. Have you asked your Dad why she never comes round? Or have you asked them round for dinner or anything? Do you ever go to their house OP?

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 12/10/2015 13:53

Well, she's not Hyacinth Bucket. Even Hyacinth would go inside & sit on Daisy & Onslow's sofa whilst sipping tea from a cracked beaker .

Seriously though, your mum has issues. I'm not sure whether they are issues with life in general (would she avoid visiting friends in this way?) or whether they are specific to you. Either way, I think it would be entirely reasonable just to continue with the "you are very welcome to visit, but we are who we are & you can take us or leave us" approach. And if she chooses not to visit, then so be it.

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 12/10/2015 13:59

I go round theirs about twice a week and offer shopping help as dad is ill.the thing is dad says he doesnt come round much as we have a cat and they dont like animals although they go to my dbs who has a dog and did have a cat,Yes we invited them lots when we moved in 27 ys ago then they made excuses.Mums house is clean though she does have dust sometimes but there are 2 of them to do it !! and no dcs.Also she pays a window cleaner and if something isnt to her exacting standards she buys new (a bit of a spenderholic new bedding new beds curtains sofa etc way more than most pple)I think it is rude to give flowers and then moan on.I wouldnt even mind if she didnt look down her nose when she said it.She wont be back however i wouldve thought both having incurable cancer would make her and dad realise not to sweat the small stuff but hell no :(

OP posts:

scatterthenuns · 12/10/2015 14:04

My mum does this.

Of course it was easier for her to keep up on her wifework and the house spotless at all times, even with two kids. You were bankrolled by your husband Mum, I have to work!

bettyberry · 12/10/2015 14:14

OP I have a sister like this. Everything is up for criticism even down to the fact I bought my DC xmas presents from a charity shop one year (I was on benefits) No one knew tbh but she saw me wrap them and kicked off about how 'appalling' it was.

My gran is like your mum on the cleaning. She moans and strops if just a little thing is out of place. I work from home so my living room is also my office (can't wait to move house and have an actual office ) so on a workday it gets very messy in here and sometimes It spills over onto the kitchen table when I need work to dry. Not good enough. Visitors will see. No one will visit. You wont have any friends yawn

Tell her to feck off and if it is such a problem she is more than welcome to pay for a cleaner to come clean your house. though I think she'll say something along the lines of 'I'm not here to pay someone to clean your mess!'

fwiw its not about the cleaning I dont think. I think your mum is just negative and will put you down however she can. Right now the cleaning bugs you so she goes with it.

Kolakubism · 12/10/2015 14:29

Maybe your mum doesn't think its important that she comes to yours since you go to their's so often? I'm not defending your mum as it is really appalling behavior. Especially as you say, with your Dad being ill. I honestly don't know what she's trying to achieve by being all critical and snobby.

If it were me I'd just be the bigger person and try to be there for your Dad while he's ill. You're doing the right thing, don't let her wind you up OP. And to be honest I'd day don't let her in the house, she'll only find more non-existent bits of dirt to push your buttons over!!

WhataRacquet · 12/10/2015 14:30

You're right betty, if it ain't one thing it's your mother

notquitehuman · 12/10/2015 14:39

"It must be LOVELY to not have a job and have time to keep your house so clean mother...."

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 12/10/2015 14:46

It was my long hrs in a chain restaurant before now ive changed jobs to a well respected fresh food place and dd has found work it is back to the cleaning.It wa s worse when dcs were small EVERYTHING was wrong.I will rise above it i always do :)

OP posts:

DanishBlue · 12/10/2015 14:47

To be fair, has she always been like this? If you are 49 (I am too!) then your mum is probably well in her 70s, I do note that a lot of elderlies I know (my mum, parents of friends etc) are really rather rude full stop (mainly women). I cringe sometimes some of the things my mum says to people working in shops, or that she passes in the street, and when I say anything she always snaps "oh well they will get over it".

Never ever was she like this when she was younger.

I hope this isn't, but suspect it will be, my future..............

FlowersAndShit · 12/10/2015 14:47

Hand her a cloth and ask her if she'd like to do it?

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 12/10/2015 15:00

Mum thinks the world revolves around her.If good old M and S dont have something in stock she will have her say (cringe) and will want products or food in the shops to be just so.We live in a lovely market town very quaint and lovely.The three supermarkets here arent good enough for her and one of them is waitrose for goodness sake quite a large one.If the shop didnt have something i wanted i would get an alternative ..simple,My poor lovely Dad doing his utmost to please her for 50 yrs !!

OP posts:

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 12/10/2015 15:03

My dd bought her some croissants in lidl in a paper bag she didnt know the difference.

OP posts:

Ilikeflannels · 12/10/2015 15:07

Haha we call my mum Mrs bucket. She once had a meltdown that I let my dc eat croissants with two hands instead of teaching them to only get one hand dirty.

Quietlifenotonyournelly · 12/10/2015 15:13

Just a bit of a wicked suggestion here you mentioned she has dust sometimes. The next time you visit your DMs house, find a dusty area and discreetly write 'clean me' with your fingertips in it.
DH once did this with his DM for his own amusement she never mentioned it but it had gone the next time we visited.

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