Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset for being criticized for being a full time mum

53 replies

Mummyof123 · 12/10/2015 12:09

I've been a full time mum we made the decision when our children were born that we would survive on one full time wage.

Recently I've been called all the things under the sun by his family since we split and am taking a beating from all sides regarding my work ethics! I have to laugh really that one of the people who is being abit of a bully and telling other people all about me has never worked for about 20 years and has been living off handouts.

I feel like I cannot win in this situation I have absolutely nothing against people getting back into full time work as soon as their baby is born or maternity is over, but that just wasn't our choice. Part of me wants to be bitchy and say to one of them that having my children raised by someone else while I am at work is not for me! How nice to be able to socialise and have Lunch alone or even with others in peace and at a reasonable time.
Please do not think this is how I feel on the whole because it really is not, but if you're going to pick fault with someone else's choices in life there is always going to be something that could be said about your situation too.

I would love a swap with the people being bitchy and nasty to me to do a day in the life of a full time mum as I know straight away my ex struggled with an hour while I went to slimming world!

I'm apparently Lazy and cannot be arsed to work, which is far from the truth, I'm running my own business but the pay isn't great and it can be variable, but it fits in around the school and free hours.

It all comes down to Money! & other people getting involved.
My partners ex feels she's not getting enough money because I'm not earning enough for him to pay more and My ex feeling that he can pay less once I've got a decent job! Both dads pay the correct csa and cannot fault either of them as they have never not payed it unlike some people who walk away and never pay a penny.

Aibu to feel so angry and upset about the situation, it's really making me feel absolutely worthless :(

OP posts:
JeffsanArsehole · 12/10/2015 12:12

You've no reason to feel any of those things if you feel comfortable with your decision.

If anyone actually says anything directly to you then say something. And if they persist, drop them.

All that matters is what you and your dh have decided.

VimFuego101 · 12/10/2015 12:13

And what is your partner doing to set these people straight, since they're his family?

HoneyDragon · 12/10/2015 12:14

Your life, your choice. What you children's father pays is based on what he earns, not you. What your dp pays toward his children is based on what he warns not you.

Becoming a parent means you will always be subject to criticism. Shrug it off. You and your partner have made a decision to do what suits you both its sod all to do with anyone else.

HoneyDragon · 12/10/2015 12:15

'Scuse terrible typos my phones sticky

SakuraSakura · 12/10/2015 12:20

YANBU. Ignore, ignore. If staying at home works for your family, continue to do so. You can't please all of the people, all of the time. We're all just trying our best.

thunderbird69 · 12/10/2015 12:21

I'm confused - have you split from your partner?

Sighing · 12/10/2015 12:24

^^ i also think you're saying you've split. In which case ignore them, cut contact with all but ex. They're irrelevant to decisions made in the past and the future.

NewLife4Me · 12/10/2015 12:26

They are your x family, just don't engage with them and make sure they don't see the kids until they can be nice.
There are some right narrow minded people about.
I would want to ask the person who you spoke about not working for 20 years, how they were different. I couldn't resist Grin
You'll probably hve enough to think about so just ignore them.

TooMuchRain · 12/10/2015 12:28

It's up to you and your ex and nothing to do with others. But maybe you rub people up the wrong way by referring to 'full-time mum' - who is a part-time mum??

AbeSaidYes · 12/10/2015 12:29

what you can potentially earn wouldn't have any effect on what he should be paying for any other children he has with an ex.

ilovesooty · 12/10/2015 12:30

I'm confused. Did your ex partner have an ex before you or have you got a new partner?

What are these "handouts " you refer to?

Your arrangements are none of these people's concern and your ex should be telling them so.

Dontunderstand01 · 12/10/2015 12:32

Ignore. Cut contact. Walk away. They are not your problem anymore. It's annoying enough putting up with site from your in laws when you're married, never mind when you're split up!

I am a working mum and have tons of respect for Sahm's . A lot of people like to pit mums against each other. Don't let them

Forestdreams · 12/10/2015 12:34

I'm confused. Who are the 2 dads? How old are your children?

I do wonder if this feeling of worthlessness stems only from the comments from your ex's family? That is an extreme reaction to what a handful of people think if you are otherwise feeling fulfilled.

Babytookacupwoo · 12/10/2015 12:35

They're not criticising you for being a SAHM. They're trying to hurt you and that's a convenient way to do it. We all push on people's weak points if we want to hurt them.

ohmyeyebettymartin · 12/10/2015 12:35

A lot of people like to pit mums against each other. Don't let them.

This. And they also like to pit mothers against non-mothers.

Let them live their own lives, you will live yours as you see best for the good of yourself and your child.

LittleLionMansMummy · 12/10/2015 12:42

Yanbu op. Your dc, your choice.

But as a ft working mum, I find your choice of wording on having a child raised by someone else fairly insulting too. I wash and iron my child's school uniform and other clothes, feed him a balanced diet, ensure he has his lunch packed the night before, cuddle him back to sleep when he has a nightmare at 3am, nurse him back to health when he is sick, read to him, sing to him, laugh with him, help him do his homework, think about him and how he is doing all the time even while I am at work, instil my values in him, provide for his every mental, physical and emotional need. I am a full time mum first and foremost, but i also have another job. I certainly don't think my child is being raised by my childminder.

Your own prejudices are evident from your post.

itsmine · 12/10/2015 12:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 12/10/2015 12:47

if you and your husband have split up, you might have bigger issues than what his family say to be honest

how will you survive financially? my advice, time to dip you toe into the WOHM world my friend

HeteronormativeHaybales · 12/10/2015 12:54

I agree that if you go round describing yourself as a 'full-time mum' you are unlikely to win friends. I work - have had a FT or PT job outside the home or from home, excepting mat leaves, for the duration of my decade+ of being a parent. But I am still a mum all the time. I don't morph into a non-mum when I am working Hmm
And comments about WOHMs having their children 'raised by someone else' are insulting, untrue and lazy cheap shots - sorry.
I think if you were confident in your choices you wouldn't be feeling 'worthless' due to comments from people you clearly don't like or respect. It seems obvious to me that they are attacking you because you split up with their family member and they are venting their hostility. You have no need to engage on that level.

Aussiemum78 · 12/10/2015 13:02

There's nothing wrong with your choice, however when you split you became an independent household and need to stand on your own two feet.

Likewise your boyfriend shouldn't be subsidising you at his children's expense.

Being a SAHM is not realistic for most single parents. Maybe that's why you are feeling the pressure?

Lurkedforever1 · 12/10/2015 13:04

Exactly what littlelion said. With the addition that if between current partner and ex they aren't supporting you financially to stay at home, and your dc are all at school, then I think morally you should be looking at work if you're only able to stay at home courtesy of jsa/ tax credits.

Crazypetlady · 12/10/2015 13:06

It's your choice what you do with your children,and the inlaws are awful clearly.
However I stay at home and I do not use the term full time mum. I am a stay at home mum. Your terminology is unreasonable. Do not let these people affect your happiness

AuntieStella · 12/10/2015 13:08

"do a day in the life of a full time mum"

When I have been SAHM or WOHM (part-time or full time) I am still a full-time mother. And all those patterns of activity have their challenges, exhaustion and rewards. And I have been a mother every single second since my eldest was born, whether my DC are with me or not.

I agree with the other posters who point out that you will have been alienating people by your choice of terms.

WillSomebodyThinkOfStefan · 12/10/2015 13:16

All mothers are full time mothers, paid employment does not alter this.

I ansolutley believe that women should not rely on partners to be the only source of income for prolonged periods of time.

Relationship breakdowns are all too common, and more often than not SAHMs are at a major disadvantage when applying for jobs.

FishWithABicycle · 12/10/2015 13:17

Absolutely your choice op how you deal with the juggling act that is parenthood.

But like a couple of pp have mentioned you do seem to be causing some of this tension by using judgemental language yourself and thus inviting criticism. "Full Time Mum" is a very loaded way of describing yourself. Those of us who work outside the home are no less "full time" in our parenthood. We are still mothers even if our children are currently in childcare for a few hours. People who aren't trying to be divisive generally phrase it as SAHM stay at home mum and WOHM working outside the home mum.