To be upset for being criticized for being a full time mum

[Mummyof123]

I've been a full time mum we made the decision when our children were born that we would survive on one full time wage.

Recently I've been called all the things under the sun by his family since we split and am taking a beating from all sides regarding my work ethics! I have to laugh really that one of the people who is being abit of a bully and telling other people all about me has never worked for about 20 years and has been living off handouts.

I feel like I cannot win in this situation I have absolutely nothing against people getting back into full time work as soon as their baby is born or maternity is over, but that just wasn't our choice. Part of me wants to be bitchy and say to one of them that having my children raised by someone else while I am at work is not for me! How nice to be able to socialise and have Lunch alone or even with others in peace and at a reasonable time.
Please do not think this is how I feel on the whole because it really is not, but if you're going to pick fault with someone else's choices in life there is always going to be something that could be said about your situation too.

I would love a swap with the people being bitchy and nasty to me to do a day in the life of a full time mum as I know straight away my ex struggled with an hour while I went to slimming world!

I'm apparently Lazy and cannot be arsed to work, which is far from the truth, I'm running my own business but the pay isn't great and it can be variable, but it fits in around the school and free hours.

It all comes down to Money! & other people getting involved.
My partners ex feels she's not getting enough money because I'm not earning enough for him to pay more and My ex feeling that he can pay less once I've got a decent job! Both dads pay the correct csa and cannot fault either of them as they have never not payed it unlike some people who walk away and never pay a penny.

Aibu to feel so angry and upset about the situation, it's really making me feel absolutely worthless :(

I think the OP is saying her ex's family are angry that she doesn't work outside the home, as they are angry with her and that is what they are focusing on, despite it having been a shared and prior agreement that she would be a SAHM, and her own income having no bearing at all on his CMA/CSA payment levels. But her ex feels he wouldn't have to pay the CSA mandated maintenance for some reason, if she worked. Which is odd, as while the kids would certainly have more money in the household, it wouldn't affect his payments at all. Her ex pays CSA responsibly and consistently and she is giving him all credit for that.

Her current partner has a child by a previous relationship, and his ex is also angry, because she feels that if OP worked, the household income would be greater and she would herself get more, which I don't believe is true, is it? (?) Her present partner also pays CSA on time and in full.

I would say, though, that CSA is a minimum. It's not really enough by any stretch. But that's not really relevant to the OP.

How old are the kids, OP? I do think that when they are small they can benefit from a SAHM if that suits the family in question (some parents would climb the walls, and excellent childcare works just fine, obviously). But I struggle with the idea that a family without a lot of money wouldn't benefit from parents of say at the very youngest 10 plus working at least part time in some school hours, really. I mean, I have to pick DS up and be there in the mornings as he has some SEN and he needs that, but I can still work in some of the weeks.

Considering the fact that the term was explored extensively on a thread last week it is understandable that a good few people feel alienated by the OP's terminology.

Should add, again, that I only mean that where money is really tight, and a few hours might ease that considerably. Otherwise, whatever works for every family is best. In my case I volunteer, to keep my hand in professionally, and to stay sane.

Just to say : I'm working full time and I'm also a full time mum !!!

I apologise if the title of my post offended anyone that is not how I mean it to and could have been worded a lot better by saying full time mum ofc I mean stay at home mum.

We have split and I have children with my ex partner and My partner he has children from a previous relationship.

LittleLionaMansMummy I think you misunderstood my post I was not intending to upset I am just saying that someone in that position who can criticise others who are in a different position to themselves, open themselves up to criticism of their own choices there is always going to be something nasty that could be said about another situation too.

That is not how really I feel about it but thought it up of what the criticism would be on the other foot..... Which is as damaging as what was said to me clearly because it's got everyone so upset! Which proves my point when it comes to criticising people.

I have lots of friends in all different kinds of positions.

Unfortunately the people in ex family are influential and he wouldnt dare correct or find them at fault and are manipulative. The handouts I speak of are off family and friends, We lent him a fair amount which never got paid back. His other incomes are in the form of benefit but unsure what type.

One of the main reasons for me leaving was his family.

As I said in my post I'm running my own business but the pay isn't great and it can be variable, but it fits in around the school and free hours.

YANBU, ignoring the "full time mum" part, because although I agree the phrase is horrible, I knew what you meant - however you & your DP decided to organise your income earning and childcare was your business.

If I've understood correctly (I did get a bit confused with all the ex's at one point), you have recently separated from your DP with whom you have a child or children - and you each have a child from previous relationships?

Are the criticisms coming from your most recent ex partner? Or from the previous ex?

You also say that you are setting up your own business, working around the children. If you are doing that properly then you are working surely?

Mummyof I know you meant no harm, but attack as a way of defence is not particularly effective - any valid points you have will get lost in the noise created by your own proclamations. Stand your ground by all means. State everything that is good about your choice and right for your circumstances. Or tell them to butt out and buzz off if you like. But don't fall into a trap of drawing lines between different kinds of mums and their choices. There is no such thing as right - only what is right for you and that is all the justification you need.

I think the thing to focus on, OP, is the fact that these people seem to be trying to guilt you into getting a job not because they think it's better or worse for children either way but because it's in their financial interests for you to be earning.

This isn't about the rights or wrongs of SAHM /WOHM. I hope this thread doesn't get detailed by that debate. No, it's about the repellent hypocrites in your family network who are using this very emotive issue to try and manipulate you in ways that benefit them financially.

Well as a "full time mum" with a "full time job"- I honestly can't understand why you're making yourself out to be some kind of busy busy supermum.

What's with the struggle???
Your kids are in school so they have some degree of independence. You have the headspace away from them and presumably they spend some time with their dad as well. You have it good IMO! How many children do you have because you make it sound like you are that chick wot lives in a shoe (and didn't know what to doooooo!)

You are a stay at home parent-not a war hero. Plenty of people have done it before you and plenty more will do it after you. I have some friends that have stayed at have home after having children and others that have continued to work-I have cared enough to give it much thought!

I stayed at home for a few years after my husband died-I was crawling the walls!!!!! Give me a job for my sanity-this is what works for me.......but I don't want to decide what other families should do! work, don't, put your clothes on backwards and sing the national anthem! ..... Do what's best for your family!

Why are you in contact with your ex's family anyway?

I agree, maybe its the term "full time mum".......that really grates on me.....I work 40 hours a week in my usual 8.30-5 job, I also run 2 small business after my DS has gone to bed and during the weekend just to try and make some extra money (and we still struggle).....don't get me wrong I would LOVE to be at home to be able to do the school run, i've never even seen my DSs teachers, but at the same time having adult conversation during the day is sometimes a lifesaver, but does that make me a "part time mum"? I still get him up, dressed and fed before I leave for work, I still cook the tea, do homework, play with him, bath him read him a story and tuck him into bed.....I still manage to clean my house and do all the washing....

I know this was not the point of your post, but maybe look at your wording, it may just be rubbing these people up the wrong way....(no excuse for the one who hasn't worked for 20 years to say anything though)

the worst thing my friend ever said to me who doesn't work and lives off benefits (I realise this isn't your situation) is that "she doesn't have a 9-5 job....she has a 24/7 job"......what does she think parents who work do....just ignore their kids when they get home and of a weekend?

See my point about some people needing to find something to criticise?

I'm going to insist people refer to me as a part time mother as I put fuck all effort into parenting ..... And woe betide anyone who calls me different.

Some people will always criticise your choice OP, just as the language you use. If you want to be a full time mum and not work, then it's your business and nobody elses.
As it is something you and your ex decided tell them to speak to him about it and have nothing more to do with them.
Surprisingly enough I have no guilt as I don't work
my dd boards and I have no objection being called a pt mum because I am me and don't want to be labelled by a job or my parenting. When she was at home I was a full time mum, I never stayed at home so that was a ridiculous thing to say.
I pity those getting worked up about it tbh, how for those.

Your ex husbands family and your current partner's ex wife are hardly likely to be fans OP.

Why the big deal?

There will always be bitter, pass remarkable people on both sides of the working mum/SAHM stuff.

That's just their own crappy insecurities coming into play. There's no point in trying to get your head around it because you can't win.

Leave them too it.

It's in your own best interest to get back into the job market.

I think the problem with your post is that you have taken people's negative comments on board (ie exes family) and you are now looking at the people on the other end of the scale and saying "well I didn't have children for someone else to bring them up" it isn't the women who work at fault here.

People should just keep their opinions to themselves in regards to what they think is right. All peoples lives work differently.

I have in the seven years I have been a parent,
Been solely supported by the benefits system,
Been the sole earner in my household,
Been at work full time as has my partner,
And I've also not worked at all and been supported by my partner,
I now work part time, but for the most part my husband supports me.

All of the situations I have been in have their positive and negatives, so try to do whatever keeps you sane and your family happy, please don't put down others who have a different lifestyle for whatever reason, when I was working full time, and my daughter was with a childminder more than she was me, to hear about someone else bringing up my child for me, would have been the most hurtful thing someone could have said.
If you haven't been in the position where you get your child out of bed, give them breakfast, clothe them, drop them with the childminder go straight to work, pick them up, bath and put them to bed, then I would say you are very lucky indeed. Don't ever put someone down for making that decision. It isn't the easy way out by any means.

A lot of people are getting drawn into the old SAHM/WOHM debate and seem to be missing the motivation behind the people who are criticising the OP's choices. The people giving the OP a hard time about choosing to SAH are 1) OP's exH doing it in the hope that if the OP is earning a FT wage he can pay less in maintenance, and 2) OP's current DH's exW doing it in the hope that if the OP is earning the exW can ask for more in maintenance from the OP's DH.

So in both cases the people criticising her choices aren't doing it because they believe there's something wrong with being a SAHM, or that the OP's children might benefit from her working, but because they think they will benefit financially from her working.

Surely I'm not the only person who thinks it's disgusting to use such an emotive subject as SAHM/WOHM to manipulate someone to change their behaviour for your financial gain. The two exes in the OP's story are trying to use SAHM/WOHM to guilt-trip the OP in the interests of their own grabbiness. Whatever you think about SAHM/WOHM (each to their own, surely) that's just disgraceful.

I have no earthly idea how the OP's ex wanting her to get a job so he can pay less maintenance is grabby. How old are your kids, OP?

The criticisers may not be grabby.

It may be that the ex husband simply can't afford to fund his ex wife being a SAHP now he has to fund a place of his own to live. ( very common ).

It may also be the the current partner's ex wife is struggling and needs more financial help which she thinks she might get if OP worked.

This "It's in your own best interest to get back into the job market."

All mums are full time mums, they dont suddenly become a part time parent as their child is at school or they are at work.

I'd imagine most female workers find being home easier than being at work. No deadlines, no boss, no worries of getting things wrong etc. Not sure why you are making it out to be such a hardship.

As for them calling you lazy, it depends on the ages of your children and how much you work and if it's viable. Whilst you may have agreed to not work when togther it goes out of the window following a split. Both parents then need to support the children not just one. Perhaps the family feels that's not happening.

I can see how new partners ex might have a fair point. Csa maintenance is a joke, hence why any decent man usually either pays more than the minimum or buys plenty in the way of necessaries or extras. If new partner now can't do this for his ex, because op isn't working and her ex isn't covering her share, then new partners ex has a fair point imo.

Sigh.

It may be that the ex husband simply can't afford to fund his ex wife being a SAHP now he has to fund a place of his own to live.

He pays the CSA amount, though. Her financial circumstances are irrelevant to that calculation. If he paid over the odds because of her work situation it would be a fair point, but as it is, it is none of his beeswax any more.

Similarly, why is the new partner's ex bothered by her work situation? Surely her income isn't relevant when his CSA liabilities are calculated?

OP, I agree with the PP who simply said your ex's family and the new partner's ex are never going to be fans of yours, by virtue of the relationships, so ignore them and get on with your life.

Erm, paying CSA is not exactly 'supporting his ex wife'. OP could get a 6 figure salary and her ex would have to pay exactly the same amount - it's calculated on his income, not hers.