To be annoyed at DH's (non-)usage of leftovers?

[murmuration]

A bit of background: DH has CFS/ME and stays home with DD, while also starting up a business part-time (this is to explain why he can't just cook himself and DD lunch). I also have CFS/ME, but not as severely, and work full time (although compressed into 4.5 days a week). I'm also currently having health issues where I can't eat in the evening, so I don't have dinner (which makes this whole thing very weird).

I try to meal plan such that I leave DH and DD leftovers every weekday for lunch (4 meals, as I'm home for a late lunch on one day), and also provide dinners. I cook and eat lunch on the weekends, sometimes a dinner (but don't eat it), as well as dinner 1-3 times a week. This means I work to make sure DH has 7-9 meals worth of leftovers a week, and 4 for me to bring into work. Because of my current health issues, and because DH and DD share a meal (she's just 3), it means the meals I leave for DH are much larger than mine, so I can't easily just eat the ones I leave for him.

This weekend I had to throw out two moldy meals that DH had not eaten. This annoys me, as it seems like while he'll eat whatever I serve when I cook it right then, he picks and chooses the left-overs such that he'll go for the fresh-made meal from yesterday instead of the one from two days ago that needs to be eaten. And then he waits so long they go bad. Food waste just gives me the rage, and also I'm trying to economise by doing things like using less meats, etc, in a dish, and I find he is wasting entire meals!

Back before my health issues worsened, I used to stick meals I saw getting old in the freezer and take them in with me for lunch. But now they are so big they make me sick. Plus, even back then I'd have a terrible back-log, since I use less leftovers than him.

AIBU to expect DH to eat the food I leave for him? He does in fact want leftovers - if they're not there, I'll come home to find he's struggled to get food: he'll manage to get enough random items together to make a reasonable meal for DD (a banana and some bread plus some ham, cheese and yoghurt, etc.) but doesn't eat much himself.

Although now that I've written this, I'm being to feel like IABU. 7-9 left-over meals out of 14 is a lot in a week. Perhaps I should be cooking more single-serving items for dinner, as I currently usually make meals that have left-overs in order to produce the amount we need (which is made larger than it needs to be because of DH wasting them, argh!).

Only what about their dd though? She can't skip a meal...

what about getting a few healthier versions of ready meals in (waitrose or M&S say - possibly when reduced) to add a bit of convenience and variety for you both - the expense might be worth it if it makes things a bit easier? Maybe also a thread on here asking ideas for convenient/quick cheap healthy meals?

Yes, Pacific, good point. It's hard though; I think the DH could be doing more here, including contributing more to feeding their DD.

It just sounds as though the OP is run ragged and the DH is not really helping.

I was tested for coeliac disease for decades always negative until by chance a rash I had stopped on a gluten free diet, turns out 1in 9 coeliacs have a faulty immune system and dont express the antibodies so dont get found. I was nearly dead by this point profoundly deficient in every vitamin and mineral and had severe pernicious anaemia so you rwally do have my sympathy
If both of you could bear it I really would revisit an elimination diet again and be ruthless as gluten/ casein etc hide everywhere
One thing I have learnt is that elimination is only part of recovery, if you do not replace vitamins and minerals that have not been absorbed you will not restart the mitochondria and regain energy

Not sure if this has been recommended, but what about getting a few microwaveable meals to leave in the fridge? Many of them last forever, and at a few quid each he can just pop them in for a few minutes.
There are also plenty of soups around that he could throw in the microwave whilst he butters some bread. Along with making him the odd sandwich and the leftovers he does like it sounds like he's set.
Or even throwing some stuff in the slow cooker in the morning, so by lunchtime food would surely be about ready?

So if I read this right essentially you are trying to create enough food [every 3 days or so] to give all three of you a main meal at lunchtime for 2-3 days? I can appreciate why, and it all sounds exhausting and frustrating to then find that the food goes to waste but it must be a little relentless to eat?
Especially as you are both ill so eating "to use it up" or skipping a meal when you are just not hungry [but need the nutrition] doesn't help anyone.

Are there any simple "main" meals that he can create? Sausage and mash for example?
Or if he is a useless cook perhaps work together to figure out what he could do to help with veg prep so that when you get in the only thing you have to do is to actually cook it. It's a simple thing to slow cook a chicken casserole or make a thai curry if some nice person has actually peeled the veg already and chopped an onion/the meat.

DH and I eat a lot of soup this time of year. It's light and warming and by the time the kids are in bed, it's all I'm fit for to be honest. We tend to alternate so that we cook a "proper" meal every other night so in a working week we really only have to cook for each other on Tuesday's and Thursdays. Friday is often a takeaway night or one of us is out.
There's a fair amount of batch cooking for the kids and between the two of you it must be possible to make up lots of small portions when you cook the bigger version. If you haven't got enough freezer storage that makes life trickier.

What's worrying is that it sounds like you are doing all the domestic stuff on top of the cooking. Starting your own business, looking after a 3yo and being ill at the same time is no picnic but if he genuinely can't/won't cook then he needs to take on the bathroom cleaning so everyone eats well and stays healthy.

Could he not do some prep the night before so that he can do lunch the next day?

I see that he is busy, but I don't quite see why that means he can't cook.

You are full time out of the house & still cooking!

Or can he physically not do it?

Some good tips, especially around having a military like meal plan that he has been involved in making so he knows that Tuesday night and Tuesday lunchtime are spag bol for example.

You need his buy in to the plan.

Adding in a few ready meals or shop bought soups sounds good too.

I also suggest buying the convenience foods like 2 min microwave rice and stuff to help make the overall meal process easier.

Not sure why DP can't do some very basic easy meal cooking - turn oven on, put in breaded chicken breast o fish fingers. Sit down for 15 mins and rest if its tiredness that is the issue, or do some work if its busyness. Microwave rice for 2 mins. Microwave frozen peas for 2 mins. Take out chicken. Serve meal. That is not time consuming or difficult.

The problem with ready meals and such is that DH is allergic or sensitive to the ingredients in most of them. The left-over thing is actually an attempt to make home-made ready meal like items for him. There are some brand of frozen pizza that he can eat, and he actually quite likes pizza, so buying some of those is a good plan.

He also avoids soup entirely! I think the problem there is that almost every canned soup has ingredients that make him ill, so a childhood of being served this and forced to eat it has made him wary of the whole category. But a slow cooker is interesting, as he is willing to entertain the idea of 'stew' (never mind that's really a soup, as long as I don't call it that...) I'd have to see if the financial outlay is worth it, but it is an interesting Xmas gift idea.

He's not much of a cooker, and is operating at his max (apparently). He also handles most of the home admin, like arranging DD's classes and managing the bills, etc. And there are several things he is behind on there, so I don't think I can ask him to do more. I do at times feel that he doesn't pace/prioritise appropriately, but that's a whole different thread... He really couldn't physically clean, and one of the things he's meant to be doing and is behind on is getting us a cleaner, although after a recent financial scare I'm not pressing so much on that. Although I could point out that if we had a cleaner he could have yummier food...

Interesting schrodingers. Although I'm really not capable of managing figuring out an elimination diet at the moment, and it probably wouldn't be a good idea to limit my food at a time I can barely eat. But something we can think about for the future.

I'm on the fence about whether getting him involved would help. I feel like I've tried to open this conversation several times, and he is either resistant to making changes as he can't see how anything could help or acts like I'm criticising him (which is a bit hard to avoid, since I am, a bit) and gets defensive, thus it's not productive. I've also found it much better to simply cook something and say 'here it is' - he'll usually eat it, whereas if we try to discuss what he wants there is barely any food he actually desires so we can never come to an agreement. So I may first try some system where I can sort of do that remotely for lunchtimes, and actually take it in my hands to warm something up for him for dinner will work. He has sounded quite grateful when I've said, "How about I warm up X for your dinner?", so I think part of his problem with obtaining food is the decision-making step beforehand.

Thanks! I think I'm coming to a plan, which is make sure to buy a few of the pizzas he can warm up, actually make the leftovers for him at dinner time if that's what I want him to eat, and think about some method of remotely directing (or suggesting) his lunch.

I think he needs to share the meal planning with you and tell you whether he wants leftovers of the things you're cooking, or whether he would prefer you just cook less of a certain item and he'll have a frozen pizza or sandwich or whatever the day after instead. As much as I like some meals, they're not as nice reheated the day after. Maybe add his chosen lunch to your meal plan too and display it somewhere if you think he needs that level of direction.

A slow cooker sounds like it would be a really good investment for you. I love mine. If you look on Pinterest for 'dump bags' (bear with me, it's more appetizing than it sounds) you can get lots of good suggestions on how to batch prep and freeze ingredients so that you can dump them into the slow cooker at a later date. I also like a page called 'slow cooked wonders' on Facebook, lots of good slow cooker ideas on there too.

Neither DH and I have health issues but we both work FT. It was really useful to sit down and just put together a list of food we like to prepare and eat, then split it into quick lunches/slow cook meals, dinner in 10 mins that sort of thing. Inspiration never hits at 8pm at night.

Having the list has made meal planning for a week/fortnight much faster and on the days when you can't be arsed to make anything, suddenly remembering that you have some cheese, a red onion and a toaster press thingy at the back of the cupboard is a godsend.

Charlie Binghams ready meals might be worth a google. There's a full list of ingredients on Ocado. Many can't be frozen but if he ate two steak and ale pies two days apart for lunch for £7 it would still be "fresh" and in date. Not much in the way of leftovers though

In effect he is not hungry so can never really think of something he might want to eat?
And the effort associated with the decision making/thinking is too much for him atm.

I think you are right. The best will probably be for you to change things and see his reactions.

Can I add a vote too for a slow cooker? It gives really nice food, even better when it has been frozen (Maybe try it with him first wo telling him and then tell him it was frozen before, how nice it is, isn't it?).
You can also play around, putting it to go in the am for an evening meal and doing two meals out of it instead of one.

I've done stews in it but a lot of other things such as curries etc.. too.

OP I've read the thread carefully and sorry but I think your DH could and should be doing more. I accept that he has a debilitating health condition but so do you. You are running yourself into the ground and will make yourself ill. He is a SAHP and needs to do more.

How is he managing to care for a three year old?

acts like I'm criticising him (which is a bit hard to avoid, since I am, a bit)

See, I don't think you are. I think you're trying to find ways to make life easier for you all, and part of that is talking about ways in which life is currently not easy; some of which are to do with him, sure, but it's not necessary for him to take it personally.

He needs to grow up and toughen up a bit, IMO.

I am sorry your husband is ill but the two of you seem to have got into a dynamic of you rushing around trying to come up with solutions which he then has the power to accept or reject. What would happen if you shifted the responsibility for finding a solution onto him?

Leftovers aren't working, fine, not everyone likes leftovers all the time - still do them if it works for you and your daughter though - so what does he suggest for his meals?

I would leave him bread for toast or sandwiches, potatoes to bake, eggs, cheese etc and let him get on with it frankly. If he's too ill to make a sandwich or put a potato on to bake then you have a bigger problem than his meals if he has sole charge of a toddler while you're at work.

Sorry if that sounds harsh and I really am sorry he's ill, but is some of this rejecting your efforts about him resenting you being fit to work, or alternatively resenting you being ill too, as in his mind he's the only one allowed to be ill? I could be completely off track there, it's just another way to think about it and what rejecting your meals may symbolize - could be a bit too wacky though.

That's a really good point highkickindandy

I can sympathise with him. If you aren't really hungry for whatever reason its hard to find something you fancy even when you know its time to eat.
Some things aren't so good frozen but some things really are better. Time to try him out with some curries or stews which have been frozen to see if he really objects. It does depend very much on what it is.
What kinds of things do you make in advance? We may be able to come up with workable suggestions for you all, which can still be cooked in advance but can either be successfully frozen or may just be new things to tempt his palate?

I think it all sounds very complicated and hard work. Most of all, I think he needs to get over himself with regard to frozen food. It tastes no different and will make your life a lot easier and mean much less wasted food.

I think you have the patience of a saint. Your DH is very lucky to have someone who cares so deeply about his health and well being.

If you are cooking a proper hot meal in the evening what is wrong with a more snacky type lunch , i would invest in a halogen oven so that your DH can cook things quicker and then leave him stuff like jacket potatoes ,frozen pizza , cheese toasties ,paninis etc to do for lunch . Those sorts of things with a yoghurt and fruit are more than adequate for a lunch . I have a dd with coeliacs and CFS so I do realise how debilitating it can be but if your DH is well enough to be left in sole charge of a 3 yr old it shouldn't be beyond him to knock up a lunch - at the moment it sounds like you are looking after a couple of 3 yr olds you must have the patience of a saint !

If he can watch a young child, he most certainly can prepare his own food... and it looks like he is if he's eating something other than your left overs. I assume he's not starving this whole time?

I'd stop putting things in Tupperware for him. Make some little packages for DD so she doesn't get the crap end of his laziness, and leave the rest in the freezer either of you to grab.

On a completely unrelated note, why would a big meal make you sick? Just eat what you normally would and throw away the rest. It's doing no one any favors to eat all of it.

Two words. Soup maker. Shove everything in - meaning that your DH can use whatever he fancies that day - switch on, and 30 mins later he has a warming, nutritious lunch for him and DD.

I'm sorry but he is an adult and should be planning his own lunches even if he has to prep them the night before.

I'd be leaving a lunch for your dc (you could make little pre frozen meals so just pull out of the freezer) and let him fend for himself. Your not well and don't need all this extra stress worrying about his diet.

Ont he days he cant be arsed with the leftovers..what is he feeding your DD ?

Sorry, having trouble keeping up with comments...

tread, I bet I'd like Charlie Binghams meals! But unfortunately I don't think that will work. The first several I clicked on randomly had ingredients he can't have. This is why we tend to make everything ourselves, as so many standard foods are problematic.

pacific - yes, that's it. I think sometimes it's more the effort of the decision that's the problem, not actually physically standing up and doing it. A large array of food-sensitivies and a childhood of being forced to finish his meal have understandably left him with very little attraction to food. He has now realised that many foods he 'disliked' as a kid, but was forced to eat, are actually now sensitivities.

He can care for DD, but it does take a good chunk of his energy. I'm pretty sure he's working at his max, so I don't think he could do more per se, although sometimes I feel like his priorities and/or planning are a bit off. He'll do something when he feels fine, without taking into account a required activity he has the next day (he does do a tiny bit of teaching, too), and then he really struggles to manage that and crashes. Whereas if he'd just realised he should take it easy before something he must do, it would work better!

But, as I said, that's a whole different topic. Like highkick suggested, I think there is some element of I've now taken over 'his' thing. He's had CFS/ME for years and then I go and develop it. If I try to suggest 'better' ways to manage it I guess I seem a bit like the naive young whippersnapper trying to tell the execs how to run things. I guess I'm also used to the dynamic that I'm the healthy one, so I'm used to picking up any slack where necessary.

I don't think I really have much saintly patience, hearts and flora, but thanks

He always gets something for DD, more ploughman's or sandwich-like if he eschews the leftovers. But he'll often do something like have a tiny amount of one item he's serving her (a few slices of apple, one piece of bread), and just stop. I actually started leaving him leftovers ages and ages ago, long before DD, for just this reason. I'd come home from work to a hungry and grumpy DH (who didn't take too well to my "But why didn't you just eat?" in that mood). It made for overall much more harmony to make sure he got fed.

So far, so good this week. Tried a new dish that he really liked, so I can add that to the 'goodies'. The trick is to not serve it too often so that it becomes less desired (and then to find enough 'goodies' to cycle through this is true for them all). Although I'm on an upswing, so if I can get a system in place at this time maybe I can keep it going. I've also been discussing out lout what I think he could eat for lunch on the next day "I'm making X for dinner tonight, so you can have that or Y from yesterday for lunch tomorrow". I may be able to get some kind of fridge whiteboard to do that remotely and help remind him.