Distinct lack of interest - in laws

[cantbefagged]

Long time lurker. On here to vent, cos I can't in RL.

I am exasperated.

I don't really know what question I am asking AIBU in relation to - just wondering if anyone else on here is in this situation and how you handle it.

My ILs (from my perspective) are quite cold people. My MIL in particular is passive aggressive, and seems to try to put me in my place (as an underling) every time we meet, which admittedly is not often. BIL isn't so bad, but is a bit of a pompous arse who has deeply offended me (digs at family - think 'north/south divide') in the past, but he does tend to suffer from foot in mouth syndrome rather than being malicious.

Anyway, my real issue with them has developed over the past few years since we've had our DCs. Youngest just celebrated 1st birthday, and nothing - not even a card - appeared from PILs or BIL. I suppose I'm surprised at how little they seem to care or show interest in them. The writing was on the wall I suppose when we announced first pregnancy (no congratulations. FIL just exclaimed that they wouldn't be looking after them in the school hols(!) No present when LOs arrived, no birthday presents even. Since then we only see them about twice a year. We've invited them to stay but they don't take us up on it. Conversely though, MIL said to DC 'I wish you could stay longer' when we last went down, making me feel guilty. But, no effort to come and see them herself!

I told DH that I don't want to spend Xmas with them, largely because they make me feel incredibly awkward, and I'm always on tenterhooks waiting for their next dig. I did feel guilty about this, but am increasingly feeling like they don't deserve to spend this special time of year with my DCs. If they make no effort the rest of the year, and can't even acknowledge their birthdays - why should they? I'm being mean though, aren't I? Come on - AIBU? Please tell me if you're in the same situation and how you deal with it? I hate confrontation, so have never made any digs myself, or even stood up for myself when digs are made. Just want to keep the peace, especially for DH who is quietly embarrassed by them. But, pressure is building up inside me and I feel like I may explode if it happens again, particularly in light of being so not bothered by their DGC. Grrrr! What is wrong with these people?!?!

And breathe...

I sympathise OP. My FIL makes absolutely no effort to see his DGC and shows very little interest in them generally. It is always us that makes the effort to travel to see him and even then it will be a brief meeting. I get so annoyed when I find out he has been to stay in the area for the weekend and hasn't even bothered to call by to see his DGCs. I get the feeling that if we didn't make the effort he would hardly see them at all.

I'm in a very similar situation with mine. They went on holiday when dd was incredibly unwell in NICU at a few days old, leaving DH with no support. When DS was born we asked if they'd like to let their side know if his arrival and several months later sent out baptism invites onlybto receive a load of phone calls from DH's family saying they didn't know we'd had a baby. Twice yearly visits here too, combined with sulky comments from MIL when the kids were smaller that they weren't very affectionate towards her - they don't know who the fuck you are, you spanner! I literally had to bully them into committing to a weekly phone call to the kids so they could build a relationship, and they still actively look for opportunities to skip it.

After ten years I've personally had enough, and gone NC - MILs appalling insensitivity over my mums death last year was the last straw for me. DH and the kids still see them, I make myself scarce during their short visits. Once their horrendous bitey dog dies DH and the kids can go visit them and it will be even easier.

I spent the first Christmas DH and were together with them, as my family were away. Never again. Most miserable festive season I've ever endured. I will not have Christmas with them ever again especially now we have DCs. I refuse to ruin it. YANBU.

YANBU. Don't chase after them. If they want to see dgc, let them of course but don't run after them. We had this problem with pil and now we just leave them be. They are entirely wrapped up in their own world and we can't force them to show more interest. You are doing your best OP.

I think I saw a post from you the other day welsh ( I always hone in on IL threads!). Sounds like you have gone to great lengths to try to get them to forge a relationship with your DC. This is my worry though - I feel like now I really can't be arsed with them, but ultimately I do want my DC to have a relationship with them. Feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place. The Xmas thing just makes me feel more compromised, as I feel like it is such a magical time, particularly while they're little, so frankly want v little to do with them then! Will see them at some point over Xmas, but def don't want to spend any significant days with them. How did your DH take to you not seeing them over Xmas? Sorry to hear about your DM too.

Not quite in the same situation but similar. Dp's parents play lip service to being great grandparents, when they do see us they make a massive deal out of dd, but they rarely see us. They are a 20 min drive away yet always have an excuse at hand as to why they can't come over. We don't go to them anymore as I think why should we make the effort, we are the ones with a baby. They manage to visit everyone else and go on lots of holidays, they have no excuse not to see us.

Before dd was born they didn't really know me despite me having been in a serious relationship with their son for 7 years. It used to upset me as they have a fairly big family and I never felt included, but I've learnt to think 'fuck them'. Actually I just mentioned on another thread how I've never been fully comfortable with their racism and sexism...perhaps I missed out on some bonding there but if so I'm glad! I have ASD so am not the best socialiser anyway but usually get on well with people. I know it's not just me. They've had 'girl's nights' (mil her dd and dils) and not invited me. Their dd got a new boyfriend after I'd been with dp for a few years. Straight away he was invited for dinners and things... I never was.

Fuck it and fuck them. My dd is lovely and they are the one's missing out. Same goes for your pil's. Do your own Christmas and enjoy it.

YANBU
Sorry they are arses it is hurtful when they don't show a interest it is also very enraging.I understand about not wanting to cuse drama or issues and upset with dp.
One of my PIL is the same they have a new dp and are not interested in the dgc at all.
They met my ds once in 4 and a half months they stayed for ten minutes and left.
I get the occasional social media comment but I send messages videos everything no or little reply.
It's only now an interest has been shown and for me it's a bit late.

I sympathise OP. MIL is vaguely interested (FIL thankfully adores DD and dotes on her) but BIL and SIL? Nothing. Ignored her birthday, not even a message to DP to say happy birthday to her. They'll pretend to be the best aunty and uncle ever when people are around but SIL in particular undermines me constantly. We ignore their birthdays now - my motto is, don't dish it out if you can't take it back.

They aren't a close family and FH acknowledges in his own non communicative way that they aren't the greatest parents/grandparents in the world, he didn't usually spend Xmas with them even before we got together so he's never really been that bothered. My family loves a fuss, loves a celebration and love spoiling people, he was treated just the same as my sister and I from the outset in terms of gifts/involvement, so spending Xmas with my clan has always been a very easy decision for us.

In a lot of ways id have made life easier for myself if I hadn't pushed for a better relationship between the ILs and the kids - they were happy to go months without speaking to the children - but it's not about me, it's about the DC. I don't doubt that when they're older they will come to the realisation that the ILs are phenomenally self absorbed, but I wanted them to have as good a relationship as they could whilst they were small. My paternal nan died when I was a baby, and my dad's dad was a vile abusive alcoholic that I had limited contact with, and he died when I was six. We never foresaw losing my mum so young, I wanted the kids to have two sets of grandparents which I never had, and whilst I'm beyond gutted that they lost their gorgeous, loving, devoted Nonna; and that MIL will never come close to her awesomeness, they do at least have them in their lives.

I guess how much you push the relationship is up to you, as it how you do it (I epically lost my shit and phoned MIL and read her the riot act after the baptism saga, and told her she got her arse in gear and made the fucking effort to engage, or fucked off entirely, but to stop confusing and guilt tripping the DC either way) but hopefully your ILs will feel the benefit of making any additional effort by being rewarded with affection from your DC, and things will be better for you all.

Still NBU about Xmas though. Nobody should fuck with Xmas.

I agree Welsh. We tried very hard with my Pil for a long time - my dh never really saw his grandmother because his DM thought her toxic. In the end he gave with his DM and df on the issue of seeing our ds. I think it's possible that our pil don't 'get' grandparenthood as mil held her own mother at arm's length. xxx

Meant to say 'he gave up....'

Of course you're not BU, and you have my total sympathy. You shouldn't put yourself out for people who can't be bothered with their own grandkids. They can't have their cake and eat it, if they can't even send a birthday card then they've no right to expect you to go out of your way to share special occasions with them. Especially if they spoil them by being snotty.

Sadly I think it sounds like they're not really interested in spending more time with your children. The comments about wanting them to stay longer sound more like a convenient way of having a dig about you and your family not paying them enough attention.

I have experience of this myself. My own mum has just visited, and told me she wasn't interested in other peoples' kids, mine included. I had thought that she wanted to see more of us after DD was born because she wanted to be a grandma (and that's what she told us, insisting on long regular visits which I didn't want), but now I realise she just wanted to get more alone time with me to tell me what an awful daughter I am and how sad her life is. I'm facing the Christmas dilemma right now - there's no way I want my lovely time stomped all over, but it's so hard to say no when the reason is just 'I don't like you and you spoil things'.

How does your husband feel about the situation? Can you present a calm, united front?

It hurts when grandparents don't show your kids the interest or affection you know they deserve. Just remember none of this is your fault, you can't change them, and in all likelihood your children will be unaware of how crap your in-laws are - they'll just be relatives they don't see very often. Best of luck

I can't believe these selfish ILs - these threads astound me. It looks like I will never have grandchildren, and although I respect my children's wishes and have never said, it is something I think I will miss more and more as the years go by.

If I had had them, then I'm afraid I would have been one of those MiLs you can never get rid of - always coming round offering to babysit and bringing too many sweeties (sigh) and I know that's annoying - but to have the gift of grandchildren and to ignore it seems to be a sin against nature.

OP, just leave the ball in their court now, explain your feelings about Christmas to your OH and say that you now want to start forging your own little family's Christmas traditions. Also, I don't think you should be expected to spend your precious holidays in a house where people constantly put you down - why hasn't he got your back on this one?

I will be your adoptive Nanna and come round on Christmas Eve with a Christmas Eve box of new jimjams and toothbrushes, sweeties, chocolate Santas (well it IS Christmas) and a DVD - how about that?

My MIL is always offering to babysit and coming round to see my daughter, miaow - she is a joy. She's building a wonderful relationship with her granddaughter and she and I are becoming closer as well.

I hope you get a chance to be a grandma. Sounds like you'd be great

Not very interested is one thing - it's sad, but you can't make people be involved grandparents if they don't want to be. But I especially hate it when they whinge and moan that they don't get visited enough, but never bother to come themselves!

MIL is like this. It would be so much easier for her to travel to see us, but she's only done it about twice, ever. Then she pleads with us to visit and says she's missing out on seeing her DGC. Then we go, which is a major trip with small DC, and she's too busy to bother with us

Late FIL also wasn't that bothered but at least he didn't pretend to be!

OP, no you don't have to spend Christmas with them. Talk it over with DH and see if you can make a plan without them – maybe seeing them at some other time briefly, like new year.

You're not being mean. They're being mean, ignoring birthdays and making nasty digs at you. But as you describe, so often you're just expected to put up with crap from PILs.

I am sad that my DC have hardly any grandparenting to speak of - I'm NC with my abusive dad and more recently my narc mum, and MIL is like this. But at least it means we never have to deal with family at Christmas, which is a huge relief. You're getting the worst of both worlds and you CAN say no.

miaouroar you can be honorary grandmother to our household too!

If they were interested you'd probably be asking us how to keep them in their (very small) place whilst retaining the good bits (babysitting, regular childcare, gifts), like the typical AIBU poster. Grandparents who don't care are the lucky ones because they aren't at the whims of their daughters-in-law (usually), who restrict or dole out access to their children as (grudging) rewards or punishments.

You have my sympathies. I felt this way about my inlaws - well, particularly my MIL - when my DC were very young. They weren't interested in putting themselves out to see our children and it seemed like we had to do all the visiting and fitting in. My MIL made passive aggressive comments with regards to our parenting and I found it wearing being in her presence. I just wanted her to enjoy the children without analysing them all the time.

We once managed to get them to our house for Christmas and they paid little attention to our 3 year old and new baby whilst we struggled to get a big dinner ready. They did not bring their own presents with them and went home on boxing day to have their own 'proper' christmas, with presents and turkey. I heard from my nice BIL that they had made mean comments about my 3 year old during the summer and we decided we would not bother making any further effort with them. We either saw my parents or had christmas alone for the next few years.

However, as my children have got older, and I felt they were able to speak up for themselves, we see my inlaws again. They are much more gushing over the children, and although they hardly visit and are not involved in my DC's lives the way my parents are, I can see they love them and have a good relationship. I try to enjoy my inlaws for who they are. They're not bad people, just very different from my parents and with a very different way of relating to their children and grandchildren. I can see my MIL had a victorian style upbringing and it's not instinctive to her to nurture young children and babies. I no longer take it personally.

My point is, YANBU to not want to spend Christmas at their house. How far away do you live? Just say you want to start making your own family Christmas traditions in your own house and don't want the difficulty of traveling with children at that busy time. If they didn't acknowledge your baby's birthday, you don't owe them anything. There is perhaps an instinct in us to desperately want our children to be acknowledged and admired by their grandparents and extended family. Try to let this go. You cannot force this. Ultimately they lose out. As your dc get older, they will end up with loads of fabulous people in their lives, who won't even be related to them. Keep the lines of communication open with your inlaws and make a fleeting visit once a year if you can stand it, just to maintain the contact and to give them a chance to get better at being grandparents, if they so desire. Try not to be upset if that never happens. Maybe, like my MIL, your inlaws did not have good parenting/grand-parenting modeled to them.

Yanbu

You can't make them interested but you can be realistic and accept it.

My exMIL used to moan that her ex-DIL (and her sons) were NC and how much she missed them.

I split up from her other son 4 years ago. How many times has she contacted my kids (or me)? Zero. My oldest 2 are secondary and my youngest is Y5 so if she's decided to cut me out then she could easily contact them independently.

Personally I'm not surprised. Pre-split she sent the kids and I a birthday and Christmas card. Now she sends the cards to the kids (not me). She's been to my house once and has never asked me or ex round with the kids. (My oldest is 14)

YANBU. Why would you push for relationships when your ILs have demonstrated time and time again that they just aren't that bothered. I don't believe anyone has the right to family relationships just because they share some dna.

My MIL wasn't particularly bothered when she had her DH, saw DH and DCs when her DH was working weekends so she'd have something to do, if he wasn't working then she wasn't interested. We dropped by precisely once in X amount of years as our wedding photos were done and thought she would want to look at them, well she made it quite plain she wasn't happy about it so I said to DH we won't bother dropping by again. The only thing that mattered to her were her big holidays abroad. Our wedding photos were done by a relative and she had the opportunity to buy one (VERY cheap) but couldn't think about it because they were off to Mexico. It involved her forking out 25p and saying "I'd like that one please" but she wouldn't do it before her holiday (we were sat with the photos in the room with her and she had looked at them). Then her DH left her and she wanted us then, phoning and wanting DH to go around all the time. Then she met someone and we didn't hear from her much again, then they split and she wanted to moan to DH about it. It gets on my nerves, she isn't particularly bothered when she has a man so she can sod off when she is single too. DH occasionally takes the kids to hers but I refuse to give up many of our weekends to suit her so she sees them when it suits us. She does do presents and cards which is something but the rest of the ILs are even worse than her. SIL gives her mum gift cards to pass on to the DCs ages after the actual event, she doesn't tend to acknowledge their birthdays at all. I haven't actually seen her in a couple of years now despite them living about a 15 minite drive from us.

Previously we were always the ones with the cars and who could drive but SIL and my family can drive now and we still don't get bothered about so I refuse to make the effort with anyone who doesn't reciprocate. Why should we and you shouldn't feel guilty in feeling to same.

As a kid my Dad's parents were a bit like your IL. Rarely saw them, granted they lived on the opposite side of the U.S. My dad always made the effort to ensure the relationship (to the point when I rebelled against the relationship, he sided with them). When we were with my grandparents it was always "we love you" and "we missed you" but then the rest of the time we'd get no phone calls, no cards and no presents. Total opposite to my mum's family.

I remember turning 13 and crying to my mum because I realised that it was all a lie. That birthday is a big deal to a kid and I didn't hear a thing from them. I realised they didn't care, not really, it was all lip service.

Kids are perceptive and eventually they will realise that things aren't right. If my dad hadn't forced the relationship, I am not so sure that I would have been so hurt. Just something to bear in mind. Sometimes less is more, even with family.

Cantbefagged, if they can't or won't be good grandparents, you will never be able to change them. Even DH isn't bothered about seeing them. Why not have a heart to heart with DH and tell him how awful they make you feel? If he is quietly embarrassed by them, perhaps he needs to understand exactly how bad it is. Say that you don't want to be around them at Christmas, they show no interest beyond making digs at you and clearly ignoring the DGC. What kind of GP won't send presents and cards, or even acknowledge the birth of them? Why, if they won't make any effort, should they expect anything in return?

I think you should enjoy Christmas with your family and relatives, life is too short to spend miserable Christmasses with those who are joyless and spoil everything. YANBU.

I don't subscribe to the blood is thicker than water homily. If these people weren't related you'd have nothing to do with them, just distance yourself.

We are nc with fil (and his vile wife) for similar reasons. He just doesn't give a shit about our dc's. He'll travel to see his other son's dc's, but couldn't give a toss about my DP and out dc's. We went nc a year ago after DP had a hugh row with fil about it. I must say I'm relieved, as it was a very toxic situation.

Yay Quietisland - soon I will have lots of honorary grandchildren!