Distinct lack of interest - in laws

[cantbefagged]

Long time lurker. On here to vent, cos I can't in RL.

I am exasperated.

I don't really know what question I am asking AIBU in relation to - just wondering if anyone else on here is in this situation and how you handle it.

My ILs (from my perspective) are quite cold people. My MIL in particular is passive aggressive, and seems to try to put me in my place (as an underling) every time we meet, which admittedly is not often. BIL isn't so bad, but is a bit of a pompous arse who has deeply offended me (digs at family - think 'north/south divide') in the past, but he does tend to suffer from foot in mouth syndrome rather than being malicious.

Anyway, my real issue with them has developed over the past few years since we've had our DCs. Youngest just celebrated 1st birthday, and nothing - not even a card - appeared from PILs or BIL. I suppose I'm surprised at how little they seem to care or show interest in them. The writing was on the wall I suppose when we announced first pregnancy (no congratulations. FIL just exclaimed that they wouldn't be looking after them in the school hols(!) No present when LOs arrived, no birthday presents even. Since then we only see them about twice a year. We've invited them to stay but they don't take us up on it. Conversely though, MIL said to DC 'I wish you could stay longer' when we last went down, making me feel guilty. But, no effort to come and see them herself!

I told DH that I don't want to spend Xmas with them, largely because they make me feel incredibly awkward, and I'm always on tenterhooks waiting for their next dig. I did feel guilty about this, but am increasingly feeling like they don't deserve to spend this special time of year with my DCs. If they make no effort the rest of the year, and can't even acknowledge their birthdays - why should they? I'm being mean though, aren't I? Come on - AIBU? Please tell me if you're in the same situation and how you deal with it? I hate confrontation, so have never made any digs myself, or even stood up for myself when digs are made. Just want to keep the peace, especially for DH who is quietly embarrassed by them. But, pressure is building up inside me and I feel like I may explode if it happens again, particularly in light of being so not bothered by their DGC. Grrrr! What is wrong with these people?!?!

And breathe...

This is my worry though - I feel like now I really can't be arsed with them, but ultimately I do want my DC to have a relationship with them

Its not your call, do you dc have something on your side? do you have good friends?

You are not responsible for how your inlaws feels. You cant force anything, and its not great for kids to be thrust against people not that keen on them really.

Just forget about it all, send pics at xmas, cards, and keep expectation low.

You can't make people be interested in you or your children - I would leave it up to your DH to visit occasionally with the children rather than trying to play 'happy families'. Definately don't spend Christmas together - they probably don't want to anywhere - Christmas with children can be very exhausting and/or tedious dependent on your viewpoint .

Good suggestion from And to keep your expectations very,very low.

My SIL has 4 children, my lovely nieces and nephews. I see them at Christmas every year only and every couple of years or so we might visit them in the summer too. I love them and we get them presents every Christmas but frankly I suck at sending birthday cards and DH is even worse than I am about it. Birthdays are not celebrated in a big way in my family and I can't remember the last time I received a birthday card myself. Should I imagine my SIL/BIL are seething with resentment towards DH and me because of this? I understand a lack of interest from GPs would be hurtful but is really fair to expect your BIL to send birthday cards, especially if he doesn't have children himself? It's probably something he doesn't think to do but not a deliberate thing.

Thank you so much for your comments. It's good to finally get this out and have feedback from others about how you deal with situations similar to this. miaow - I would love for you to be an honorary GP I have previously spoken to my DH about how I don't want to spend Xmas (as in Eve and Day) with the ILs, but he (and I) do feel guilty about this arrangement as it is literally just his DM, DF and DB, so a pretty miserable Xmas just the three of them. Also, his DF is not in the best of health, and he feels that he should make more of an effort to see him, particularly at Xmas time. That said, we will absolutely still see them - just not on those days. As one poster said, they are just so joyless. They really do sap the energy out of a situation, but strangely my DC act the same as they do with my DM and DF, which I am pleased about.

The present thing doesn't bother me as much, but in the context of everything else (lack of card, phone, visits), it does grate a bit. DBIL has no family of his own, so I should give him a bit of slack WRT not sending a card, but he's tech savvy and could have a reminder in his phone if he gave them a thought! I think this lack of card thing has pissed me off all the more because none of them acknowledge my birthday, and now I feel it's spilling over to DGC. Reading that over makes me think I'm being particularly petty about birthdays! I just think it's odd and sad not to acknowledge a child's birthday. Admittedly at 1 she won't know a thing about it, but I have a feeling this is just how it is.

I think I do just need to accept that this is the way of things. I used to text DMIL pics of the babies, but stopped when she didn't text back. Seeing them as and when DH suggests and being civil is all I can muster, and all they seem happy with.

I have also told DH the stuff his DM says to me - which like most passive aggressive stuff sounds petty until you clump it altogether. He is so supportive, but ultimately doesn't want to rock the boat with parents he rarely sees. He never witnesses it either (manipulative!) so would have to make a proper stand against them, which I wouldn't want him to do.

Are you really sure they want to spend Christmas with you - you might think that just the three of them is pretty 'joyless' but perhaps they might prefer a quiet Christmas? My parents have often said to me that they are more than happy to spend Christmas at home on their own although they do usually spend it with one of their children, and I genuinely think they enjoy Christmas with my sibling who doesn't have his own children the best . A nice, quiet, adult time, watching their choice of film, going for a long walk, serious game of bridge etc etc. Sounds lovely to me .

My ils equally odd. Emigrated because "there's nothing to keep us in England" - dh our little dds bil and his little family obviously not enticing enough!

We asked them for childcare once so we could go to my sisters wedding (all my family there so no usual help available). Gave them 6 months notice. They pulled out at last minute "because they might have paper work". If we don't invite them to things we are accused of leaving them out. If we do we are "putting pressure" on them. We've given up now!

My maternal grandmother was great and very involved but my paternal grandmother was a total bitch. So I have seen it from the DGC point of view. Seeing grandparents that don't like you is a bit shit.

That said, my DM is a wonderful person but I can guarantee that if I had had children, she wouldn't particularly have wanted to be involved. Doesn't make her a bad person, and she was (and is) an awesome mother but she doesn't like children particularly so I wouldn't expect her to be involved.

You are better not pushing things with your MIL - it won't help her relationship with your children - they may pick up on her lack of interest surprisingly young.

Similar here. No effort made by any of DH's family, ever. DD forgotten by all of DH's siblings and their families since her first Xmas. Was her (5th) birthday this weekend and she got 1 card and 1 sticker/colouring book from GPs and nothing from anyone else. I'm done with them. All relationship management between DD and DH's family is now down to him.

DH's DM and step DF didn't see DS2 until he was over a year old. They claimed that they hadn't been able to come to the UK (from a European destination that has ridiculously cheap flights to and from) at all. When they eventually visited, they let slip that they had come to the UK 5 times during the year and even worse, had driven past our town to visit friends each time!!!!

YANBU. Why would you want to spend a special family time with basically rude people, family or not.
Don't worry about them, they are the ones missing out on what could be a wonderful relationship with your DC. Pity them and do your own thing. It sounds like your DH is understanding. Must be awfully embarrassing for him.

cantbefagged, it sounds as though PIL and BIL will be fine having an adult Christmas, where they can engage or ignore each other as they wish. Then you can choose to see them at another time, and not have christmas spoiled for your DC. You could see this as a positive thing; some people have to go and spend miserable Christmases with narcissistic or abusive parents/ILS because they can't find a way to get out of it.