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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I am but..

30 replies

Ahardmanisgoodtofind · 11/10/2015 09:47

I need people to tell me i am and get a grip.
Today im 30. Dp has bought me, gin (I am breastfeeding 12week old dd), slippers (booty kind that I can't get on my feet) and a hard back book(after a whole conversation about preferring my kindle at the mo because I only get time to read when dd feeds and hardback are impossible to hold).all got from Tesco, which happens to be the only shop open after he finishes work.I could cry.zero thought has gone into the gifts,the card says basically, love you you're a good mum. Later we will be taking dcs park.I abu to whinge but I needed the moan.

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 11/10/2015 09:49

If he has got the receipt - take them back, and use the money plus a little more for something you actually want.

IamSantaClaus · 11/10/2015 09:51

Happy birthday !Thanks

I would be a bit annoyed too. I've always told dh I couldn't care less how much presents cost just as long as some thought goes into them.

iwasyoungonce · 11/10/2015 09:55

YANBU. My DH used to be really shit at gifts. I put up with it for years, for some reason, before I just told him straight it was fucking insulting how little thought went into it.

He is much better now. And I don't mean he spends more money (I'm not into jewellery/ handbags/ expensive stuff). But he thinks about what he buys, and gets something he think I will actually like!

Notgrumpyjustquiet · 11/10/2015 09:55

Awww OP that's awful. You're going to have to gently explain it all to him, and insist he takes it all back to the shop for a refund immediately then buys you a very expensive PROPER present and a nice lunch out somewhere or else you'll never forgive him. Meantime, I got you this Cake

slicedfinger · 11/10/2015 09:57

Apart from the fact that you are completely NBU,

Happy birthday! CakeFlowersCakeWine

Floppy5885 · 11/10/2015 10:00

Don't complain. Say it's very kind of him to think of you but you can't use the items and can he return them tomorrow. Meanwhile look on line and show him what you would like

TheWitTank · 11/10/2015 10:03

Happy birthday!! Also congratulations on you new baby Flowers.
I presume he has the receipt so you can return the gifts and buy yourself something nice. Some people (not just men) are crap at presents.

Original poster
Ahardmanisgoodtofind · 11/10/2015 10:08

He did ask what I wanted and I've been sending him links to things I've liked over the year (thinking he might get one and pass the ideas onto my mum). pre-dc he got good, thoughtful gifts.
Still better than the year i got nothing after ds was born.
Thanks for all the Cake in rl I have been presented with a Tesco cake that has been opened and nibbled by ds.it was presented in the box.taking it back to bed with ds i think.

OP posts:
c4kedout · 11/10/2015 10:09

Happy Birthday FlowersCake

you know yabu. you are 30 not 13 after all Wink. Just enjoy the day

IslandGirlie · 11/10/2015 10:10

Happy Birthday X

Get him to look after the children, go out and do something you like. Thanks

pictish · 11/10/2015 10:10

Yanbu...it really isn't about the money spent, or even the specific gifts offered, but the can't-be-arsedness of it.

However, bear in mind, he will be tired atm too, there have been a lot of major changes in your household with your new baby and he's not going to be operating on optimum at the moment.

I know you see it as an ignored opportunity to appreciate you and you're hurt by that. Just say, "The best Tesco had to offer eh?" and ask him to take the gin and the slippers back. Keep the book...may as well.

Don't beat around the bush, but don't be a drama queen either.

PosterEh · 11/10/2015 10:13

I don't think yabu at all. Your partner had just shown you that he really can't be arsed to do something nice for you. It's not a skill to be "good at presents" it just involves putting a bit of effort in not just picking up a load of shit last minute.

RJnomaaaaaargh · 11/10/2015 10:14

Yanbu.

acquiescence · 11/10/2015 10:15

If you like gin then you can put it in a cupboard and look forward to it when you are not bf. And the card sounds nice and caring. But agreed he could have done a bit more ??

BastardGoDarkly · 11/10/2015 10:17

Awwwww Flowers Cake

Good call on taking the cake back to bed!

Yep, he's going to have to take them back isn't he? The slippers I can let him off with, as he wasn't really to know they wouldn't fit (cos they're the boot type, not wrong size) and the book, well, he may have forgot the conversation about kindle?

But the gin (although would be my very favourite present ever, and I could take it off your hands?) Was utterly daft.

Don't LTB just yet, but tell him what you do want, and congratulations on your baby, and your birthday! Life's pretty good really isn't it?

BlueJug · 11/10/2015 10:18

Hey, Happy Birthday OP! 30 is great! They were a wonderful decade. And congrats on new baby too.

I do get where you are coming from but as someone who HATES buying presents I have frequently been panicked into stuffing £50 into a card or just getting flowers.

My beautiful teen DD and I are v close but I have no idea what to get her for her birthday. She will get cash. I just do not know... yet I love her more than life itself and know her pretty well. But couldn't choose a present if my own life depended on it. There are always loads of threads about gifts and how much thought has been put into something around Christmas. The perceived "thought" does not always reflect the actual caring.

My SiL does not work, has money and time and is very good at present buying. Every year she gives my mum a lovely, thoughtful, beautifully chosen gift that she thought about in September. I end up getting flowers or a plant at the last minute. But who is there every week doing Mum's shopping, running her to all her medical appointments, bringing over lunch once a week? Not my DB or SiL. Who calls for a chat every day even though dementia means the chat is no longer a pleasure in the way it was.

It isn't great but if your DP loves you and your baby, if he respects you, cares about you, supports you and does the right things then really this is not important. You have everything you need.

(And you won't be breastfeeding for ever - the gin will wait.)

Purplepoodle · 11/10/2015 10:18

just ask him to take them back and use the money to buy some kindle books ect. Tell him your a bit upset but don't make a huge fuss.

I never got presents after my dc were born or expected any Is this a new thing?

rainbowstardrops · 11/10/2015 10:19

I don't think yabu at all. It's your 30th after all!!!
I sincerely hope he will spoil you with kindness and loveliness instead Smile
Happy birthday!!! FlowersCake

purplepandas · 11/10/2015 10:29

Happy Birthday! I am sorry Op, I would be upset too. I have had similar (not for 30th) and have been upset. I agree re returning and getting something you want. Not the same at all, it's the lack of thought/effort that is upsetting. More Cake for you and a virtual kick up the arse for your DH.

Janeymoo50 · 11/10/2015 10:45

I'd love to be 30, have gin and a baby. But that said, I can see why you're disappointed plus probably knackered and wanted to feel that extra special today. Any chance someone can babysit and the two of you have dinner out?
I'd be really hurt if my DP asked me to return presents though.
Most importantly, happy, happy birthday to you.

Fairenuff · 11/10/2015 10:51

I would actually speak to him OP, not in a confrontation way but just to have a two way chat. I would tell him what you told us and then ask him to return the items and have another think about what you might like. I would say that it doesn't matter that, this year, your gift will be late but from now on you would like him to put more care into what he buys you because it means a lot to you.

Then I would have a chat about ways that you can indicate what you might like, if he's not sure, as sending links and hinting obviously isn't working. What about an Amazon wish list? What about him picking things up for you throughout the year when he sees them so that it's not a last minute rush at tesco?

If you don't do this, presumably every birthday and christmas will continue like this and you will always be upset.

While you're at it, let him tell you honestly what he thinks about the gifts you get him because although you might have painstakingly trawled the shops to get that 'just right' gift for him, he might have preferred a bottle of alcohol, some socks and nice new hardback book!

Talk to each other.

theycallmemellojello · 11/10/2015 10:51

Hmm I'm going to go against the grain and say yabu. They don't sound like horrible gifts to me, they sound lovely. Buying someone a kindle book doesn't feel like a proper present - it's nice to give someone something they can keep. You get someone a hardback (as opposed to paperback or electronic) book so they can keep it on their shelf for years to come. I also don't really understand why you can't read it while you're not feeding, or just put it aside and read it in 6 months time if it's a problem. Re the gin - again this keeps, so it's not going anywhere and besides you can drink alcohol while breastfeeding so long as you wait a few hours before the next feed. A g&t in the evening won't affect the morning feed. And it's a shame about the slippers, but I don't think it's horrible that it didn't occur to him that you might noot be able to wear them at the moment. Just exchange them. Sorry but I reckon your hormones are making you U. It sounds trite but sometimes it's makes you happier to be grateful for what you have.

Epilepsyhelp · 11/10/2015 10:55

YANBU at all, the fact that they are all from the local tesco and two of them you can't use just shows he hasn't thought about what would make you happy. I spend ages shopping for my DH presents because I want him to feel happy and excited and loved, as you say it's not about expense it's just thoughtfulness. I would be having a serious chat with him ASAP.

Moopsboopsmum · 11/10/2015 12:15

My exDH got me a Bodyshop gift box from Waterloo station on my 30th. He left me for his OW two weeks later. Just tell him you are a bit disappointed and talk about it.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 11/10/2015 22:10

My dh has recently got into geocaching. He's always saying I should have my own kit bag so I can find some caches on my own. It's my 40th next month. I have a horrible feeling that I'll be getting a geocache kit for my birthday. I have told him that I will kill him if this is the case. Op I completely sympathise. It is thoughtlessness and laziness on their part. I'm not surprised anymore though.