To contact the school bully

[CookieDoughKid]

Who bullied me mercilessly throughout my secondary school years and on the last day, beat me with a dumbell on the back of my head and I was knocked unconscious? I found her on Facebook. I want to thank her for making me the strong woman that I am today and that I have never ever forgotten her name. And did she remember her doing this to me as I now PITY the child that she was.

I don't think you should, no. I get the need to make her see what a titanic failure of a human being she was (and possibly still is), but as humans we're very resistant to seeing ourselves in a bad light. It's a self-preservation bias. Depending on how you went about it, she's more likely to see YOU as the aggressor now, or to default back to the kind of behaviour that would have worked at intimidating and hurting you in the past, especially if she's a manipulative or relational bully. The very act of having to lash out at her now is in itself a screaming indication of weakness. (I don't mean that in a nasty way. But it's clear that this is still a huge wound for you and you're looking for ways to heal it. Any bully worth their salt will smell blood a mile away and go for it.)

Think of it this way. People like that tend to end up with the lives they deserve. They treat others like shit, and in turn, they get treated like shit. Most important of all, remember that the "fix" to this doesn't come from getting her to suddenly fall on her face and beg for your forgiveness, which I imagine is the perfect scenario you'd be looking for. That might be nice, but it won't change what happened. The "fix" comes from you going back at the little girl you were, giving her a big hug, explaining to her that you take the awful shit she did to you and turn it into pure spun-gold awesomeness when you're older, and then evicting this bully from your brain. She's been living in your head rent-free for far too long. Time to serve her notice and get rid.

Deep breath. You can do this.

I had a friend request once from a girl from school who made my life a misery on and off. My only thought was why would I want to be your 'friend' you bitch. I declined. I didn't contact her. I would leave it alone if I were you. Just be glad she isn't part of your life anymore.

As previous posters have said, don't contact her. All that will do is show her you still think about her and she retains that power over you. And why would you want to do that?

Just a few thoughts
If she is really a bitch then she will just think she still has a big hold over you because you have bothered to 'stalk' her on facebook.

More likely she was an unhappy girl at school.You have to wonder what was going on in her life to make her act like that .

Thirdly she may well be a very different person now than she was as a girl of 16.

I really can't see any benefit to contacting her.

Don't contact her. Not to thank her for making you who you are and not to pretend you don't know her.

Either is very transparent, it'll just show that she did affect you and you still think about her. It's unlikely to go the way you want it too.

Have you considered talking to someone about what happened? Combined with the stalking, I wonder if a therapist might be useful, to help you with peace of mind.

I'm thinking about this other the moment. Thank you for your replies. It's been so helpful. I am sorry for your experiences too, if you have been bullied in the past. I hate fb. I'm pretty anonymous on fb using an alias name and I have very few friends on it yet it somehow knows who I've been linked in the past.

I left this sink school and ended up with a good second class Chemistry degree. I then got my first job on a graduate scheme and ended up working in California and NY in my twenties and have traveled across the world and worked with Forbes top 10 companies in the editor. In my thirties I settled down back in England and now have a lovely family. I have security, and a house that - although isn't in the million£ bracket, is very very nice. I have the luxury of now being able to afford and decide about private school for dc's and I think this is where this has brought it all back up. We have a lovely life. Truly, I could not wish for more. I feel I need to give state education a chance because like many of you have said, sink schools some thirty years would not be allowed to continue their practice of ignoring bullying behaviour. I'd like to think police would take a far harsher stance and that parents are made accountable. My school really let me down. I was forever very secretive and never told my Mum as life was hard enough for her as it was.

This girl who bullied me.....well she was in the past, you are absolutely right. She needs to be buried in a box with a prayer because she has no relevance to my life now. I don't know if she was born evil or a product of her home. My guess is that -as we all were in that part of London living on highrise council estates and benefits- life was very harsh for her too. Her fb suggests she doesn't live the trappings of a luxury life nor has she accomplished a career in any way, the same weight as mine. For that, I think justice has been served. Still makes me want to hurt her back though. That's the inner child in me and if I ever saw her again i'd like to think - hope- I will respond back with ''Sorry who?? No, I don't remember you - at all''.

I feel that your childhood has a massive impact on how you are in adult life. I hope and pray my dc's will be strong and not be bullied.

You'll get there Cookie, I promise. Like you, having kids triggered a lot of anxiety for me about my own past experiences somehow repeating in their lives, but someone once said something to me that really helped: children give you the chance to raise yourself again, and to do it the way you needed this time. As you help prepare them to face the world and deal with challenges, you can lay each of these little ghosts of your past to rest. Your mother couldn't be there for you? Be there for them. You were targeted because you lacked confidence? Build them up and help them to be secure in themselves. Your teachers failed you? Keep on open channel with your DC's teachers so you know what's going on.

Mostly, don't define your life in relation to hers any more. You don't need to. Keep moving ever onwards and upwards without the weight of her holding you back.

Cookie,

You have won. You have a great life despite her actions in your school days. Nothing whatsoever to be gained by contact. Just smile to yourself and think what you have achieved in your life. She's nothing to you now.

could you send a message along lines of 'Hi, how are you? Just wanted to update you. Do you remember how you made my life a misery by doing xxx? Well thank you. I now have x (amazing job), X (lovely partner and children) and holiday in X/drive X etc
I'm content with life and if it wasn't for you being such a cunt to me and nurturing my inner strength, I doubt I would have achieved my amazing life. Looking at your pathetic profile, I see your life is shit and you've achieved very little. Karma's a bitch ain't it? (You could insert personal insult depending on what you know (is she ugly? Big nose? etc)

To me, this just screams "you are important in my life, you were then and you are now xx years after school". It actually does precisely the opposite of what it's intended to do, and gives the bully a lot of power, which is what they tend to want.

I was bullied at school and despite leaving in 1988 it still affects me. A few years ago I was contacted by one of the worst offenders on FB. I pondered various things I could say to her. I don't know if she just didn't realise how awful her behaviour was, if she realised and wanted to apologise or if she wanted to continue on the same dynamic. I rejected the request and blocked her without saying anything. It felt great and was very empowering. I wished there had been such an effective way of belittling someone back in 1988.

Whether or not bullies want to apologise, I don't give them the option. They had power over me then, they'll never get any say in our interactions now.

For the sake - Very elegantly put. It's very healing to hear you say it like that.
Norman Thank you. So very true.
Thighbrow Actually - well done you. The fact she blocked you means she has no shame or is too ashamed to admit it to herself. I actually think it is the latter.
Drmum Ha! I can be very passive aggressive. If I was to write a letter to my bully, it would be very subtle and suggestive. I would want to engage with the bully, establish a communication and enjoy my little refound ''friendship''. I'd like to come across as the pyscho over a period of time. But that's a fantasy.
Ohwot We might well have been in the same area but no, not beginning with E :) I do know there was at least one other school in the same area that had also closed down.

Don't do it. Believe me, I know how tempting it is as I'm friends with quite a few people on FB that I went to school with, and have seen my 'bully' on their friends list.
Through seeing her crop up, and the fact she is now married with a small child she's professing love for on there sort your privacy settings out you slack cow the urge to message her saying "wow, cute. Hope the little mite doesn't encounter a bitch such as yourself when he grows up and goes to school for the first time. Karma's well and truly bit you on the arse if that does happen.."
Step away. Sit on your hands. Don't possibly give them the satisfaction of knowing they got to you. Or they might not even remember you. The best revenge is knowing you're doing great, and they're more than likely sat bumbling along in their own little Sad Land.

Agree with many others op, she would deny it or claim to have forgotten it. A nasty bully from my old high school did just that years ago when one of the people she bullied asked her about it, not actually in an angry way, she reckoned she couldn't remember it at all. Convenient!

One lad that mercilessly bullied my brother at school but at the same time kept asking me out tried to keep friending me on fbook! No way, fuck off! He made my brother's life a misery for 2 years. I don't actually walk around thinking about it and wasting energy on it but neither am I going to be mates with him.

I totally understand how you feel op but think about the most likely outcome. I doubt it would be satisfying for you. Try to move on and take revenge by enjoying your life and family.

A person who contacts someone many years after she last saw her to tell her "how great your life is and that you don't think about her at all" is just very obviously telling that person that she still has issues and does indeed remember very often what happened.

^^ This. Many times over.

OP you don't need anything from this person. Don't seek it.

op you've won. Don't let her have a window into your life. That was a tough part of London to grow up in, in an era where - if your teachers didn't give a shit - there was no support.

You have beaten your bully already. You should feel proud of yourself.

OP - sounds awful. I can see why you would want to do it, but I think in the long run it will make YOU feel worse. You have to move on.

Having said that, my sis, who was bullied throughout middle school by a really nasty little piece of work got her revenge. She called the girl's house and left a message with the bully's mum, pretending to be a boy that she had a massive crush on. My sister, who is in her thirties, still smiles happily when she remembers. Then again, she was about thirteen when she did it, I would suggest you took slightly more mature action!