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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To contact the school bully

65 replies

CookieDoughKid · 10/10/2015 21:01

Who bullied me mercilessly throughout my secondary school years and on the last day, beat me with a dumbell on the back of my head and I was knocked unconscious? I found her on Facebook. I want to thank her for making me the strong woman that I am today and that I have never ever forgotten her name. And did she remember her doing this to me as I now PITY the child that she was.

OP posts:
ballerinabelle · 10/10/2015 21:45

Oh cookieSad I know why you want to do it but I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of knowing that she still gets under your skin Flowers

beetrootpickle · 10/10/2015 21:45

One of the most infuriating things to do to an ex is to forget their name.

Get on with your life and be wonderfully happy without them.

I realise that she isn't your ex but the same rules apply. Forget your bully even exists. If you were to contact her - even to say how fantastic your life now is - it shows you still give a shit. You shouldn't. Not even a shiny one.

{especially not for 'people' who beat people with dumbbells Shock}

WhyDoesGastonBark · 10/10/2015 21:53

If she was that much of a dick she probably still is and would take pleasure in knowing you are still upset by it all....

Lindy2 · 10/10/2015 22:04

Rise above it. You have come through it as a strong woman. This bully is not worth any of your time or energy. You don't need to contact her for closure, the fact that you have moved on from it is enough.

Noshowofmojo · 10/10/2015 22:12

I reckon you and I went to the same shit school. I don't know what you should do but my school days have deeply affected me too.

AgentZigzag · 10/10/2015 22:13

I'm glad that most (all?) of the posters have said not to contact her OP, it would be awful to live with the temptation of a should I/shouldn't I, even if you don't think you'd actually do it.

Box that time up and dump it in a dusty corner somewhere, it doesn't matter what she thinks or who she is now.

aurynne · 10/10/2015 22:21

A person who contacts someone many years after she last saw her to tell her "how great your life is and that you don't think about her at all" is just very obviously telling that person that she still has issues and does indeed remember very often what happened. You risk your previous bully just finding you completely pathetic. Most likely it is her who does not even remember your name, and reappearing in her life like that will probably have the effect of her telling all her friends about it and laughing at you once again, hence reopening old wounds.

I wholeheartedly recommend you to block her and forget her.

Mehitabel6 · 10/10/2015 22:25

I would leave well alone. You have moved on- leave it that way.

icouldjusteatacroissant · 10/10/2015 22:30

Don't let her know you have ever given her a second thought. If you could make an effigy and stick pins in it, that would be a great alternative!!

Leave well alone, tempting though it is.

Murfles · 10/10/2015 22:38

I came cross my school bully 4 years ago. Her children attend "my" school. Every morning I'm in the playground to speak to parents and say "good morning", every morning she's avoided me for 4 years. I let her bullying go a long time ago, she's not worth the head space.

MotherOfFlagons · 10/10/2015 22:44

Another vote for not contacting. I was bullied too and spent some years being angry and wanting to contact them so I could tell them how much better I was. Ultimately, I realised I was busy enjoying my life and I didn't really give a shit what they were doing.

Indifference is the best revenge.

Tallyloolah · 10/10/2015 22:45

I used to sit at the front, in year 7. People threw pritt sticks at my head.

Teacher couldn't have cared less.

That was in 2000.

Mehitabel6 · 10/10/2015 22:47

I like that saying 'Indifference is the best revenge'. If you contact them it lets them know that you have spent years thinking about them.

thefutureofpolitics · 11/10/2015 02:16

It is probably better just to remember that she is scum, will always be scum and the sad thing is, probably knows that she is. I would pity her for having to delve to such depths to belittle people in order to make herself feel better. She has doubtless done such revolting things to others since because as they rightly say, a leopard can't change it's spots. But one must hope that one day, if she hasn't already, she will get what is coming to her. Karma is a beautiful thing. Remember that you were, are and will always be better than that.

Senpai · 11/10/2015 04:05

I wouldn't.

The dumbbell though... Jesus. Shock If someone did that to my child, I'd be all over the police station like a fly on shit until they put the little animal in prison where she belonged.

Flowers You've moved on and made something of yourself.

Contrary to popular belief, bullies don't bully because they have troubled homes or lives. The kids that I knew that came from abusive homes were some of the sweetest and most empathetic because they knew how it felt to be on the receiving end of cruelty. They bully because they're assholes, especially at the age you're talking about. These aren't primary children who are having trouble controlling their emotions. Stop giving them undeserved sympathy.

She's probably still an asshole. I doubt the Christmas ghost from the past is going to make her lose sleep at night if she beat you to unconsciousness without feeling remorseful.

whatsbehindthegreendoor · 11/10/2015 05:40

I was bullied relentlessly by 3 boys when I was in upper school. They made me feel crap at a time I could really have done without the extra hassle. A few years ago I saw the ringleader in a supermarket cradling a really small baby - I had to stop myself from asking how he would feel if somebody was to treat his child the way he had treated me for 3 years of my life
He managed to make my life hell from the age of 13-16. I'm 41 now and this kind of thing never goes away, it's always there at the back of your mind, even if you try to forget it.
However, I wouldn't send the message, simply because like most bullies, she'll have conveniently forgotten what she did to you, that's how it works unfortunately. They don't think that their actions were anything other than childish pranks.
Just be happy in the fact that your life is so much better now.

HellKitty · 11/10/2015 06:58

She doesn't sound like a bully, she sounds like a fucking nutter. And not worth a second more of your time.

Also, she didn't make you what you are today. YOU DID.

knaffedoff · 11/10/2015 07:28

Write a letter then file it away, she doesn't deserve your time or effort. What outcome are you seeking? what if she hasn't changed? You are responsible for what goes on in your life, so your successes are yours and yours alone. Be proud of the person you are and don't give the bully any more of your head space x

OfficeGirl1969 · 11/10/2015 08:16

Part of me would want to set my profile picture as the most gorgeous, happy photo I could find of me and my beautiful family, and then message her something like
"Hi....your name has popped up in my suggested friends and I wonder if you went to X school? You're vaguely familiar but I don't really remember you - sorry! Anyway, must dash, so much fun stuff to do!"

.....childish I know, but might frustrate the hell out of her thinking she was utterly forgettable after such awful cruelty.

Seriously though....let it go....as you've said, you're strong, brave, and worth infinitely more than wasting even a moment's thought on her........Flowers

MyGastIsFlabbered · 11/10/2015 08:18

Different perspective here. I got a friend request on FB from the girl who made my life miserable at school. I ignored it for a while, but then sent her a message asking why the hell I would accept a friend request from someone who bullied me mercilessly at school.

She replied saying that she was very sorry, she had been going through all types of abuse at home, had been lashing out and whilst she didn't remember targeting me specifically she accepted she had done it.

It may or may not have been sincere, but it did give me some sort of closure.

Thighbrow · 11/10/2015 08:54

Slightly different context, but when I was at school I had a best friend as part of a bigger group. The 'leader' for some reason took a dislike to me and decided to exclude me all of a sudden, my 'best' friend decided to stay friends with the larger group rather than stick by me. I have felt much more bitterness and resentment towards her than the girl that decided to boot me out, as because of her I didn't have ANY friends for the last 6 months of middle school. Even now I'm still angry!

About 10 years ago (before facebook) i got a bit drunk and emailEd her through friends reunited, basically saying what she did to me was the worst thing possible leaving me on my own and I hope she realised that, I may have also called her a bitch.

So when she popped up on facebook years later, I must have appeared as a suggested friend because she blocked me. I get satisfaction from knowing she is bothered by remembering me and what she did. Honestly what she did still makes me question every friendship I have as I'm worrying they aren't really my friends and will fuck off as soon as a better option comes along!

Yoksha · 11/10/2015 09:50

I grew up in a sink estate in Edinburgh in the 60/70's. Have a comfortsble life now. Was bullied mercilessly by a certain group. Not knocked unconscious though! The best way is to have a happy life. Be content in those who love you. She is reaping what she's sewn. Believe me. Fb has a lot to answer for. Those who bullied me; well, the ringleader is still living the same way after 45yrs+. Some are married to 5th generation scum. Their lives I wouldnt have in a lucky bag. The rest I heard have died from drug use. Sad in all honesty. I wouldnt consider contacting any of them. I feel pity, but not in a smug way.

Just pull up your big girl's pants and concentrate on just getting on with getting on.

OhWotIsItThisTime · 11/10/2015 10:13

Was your school in a place beginning with E? As it sounds like my one.

Your bully was horrible and I can understand why you want to do this. But what do you want to happen if you go through with it, and how does this compare to what you think will happen?

kawliga · 11/10/2015 10:32

She replied saying that she was very sorry, she had been going through all types of abuse at home, had been lashing out and whilst she didn't remember targeting me specifically she accepted she had done it.

This is very sad really. Bullies destroy people's lives and often they don't even remember the specifics of what they did or who they did it to. Bullies are never people who are happy and confident in themselves, they always lead sad lives. Pity is the right word, OP.

Even the bullies who look happy and popular. I don't see how a really happy person would set out every day to hurt someone else and make them miserable.

theycallmemellojello · 11/10/2015 10:42

You poor thing. Well done for moving on and building a wonderful life. Please don't contact the bully. Sending any kind of message like that will sound like weakness to anyone with bullying tendencies and they're likely to try to send the most hurtful message possible back. I also don't think that revisiting that particular relationship will bring up anything positive for you even in a best case scenario. Focus on the present and the exciting future. Good luck.