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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think either cancel or don't cancel, but don't dither!

76 replies

Francoitalialan · 10/10/2015 16:41

Arranged dinner and drinks with three girlfriends, at mine, for tonight. Started prepping yesterday, bought most of the stuff and yet at lunchtime today got a message from one saying she "wasn't sure" if she was going to make it as she was feeling a bit fluey, and anyway her elderly mother who lives with them, was also under the weather but she would let me know.

And I've just come out of the shop loaded with wines and got a call from another one saying her DP wanted to go out for a drink tonight and she didn't have a babysitter if he didn't come home and she was going to phone round and let me know.

It's nearly 5pm and I don't know whether to start cooking, or sack it off and cancel the one remaining guest and drink all the booze myself!!!

OP posts:
wintersocks · 11/10/2015 12:27

YANBU and I too hate flakey behaviour. Especially last minute cancellers who have form. I've decided on a three strikes and they're out policy ie 3 flakey cancellations and after that I'll stop making plans with them, or at least make ones I don't mind being cancelled eg lunch, but not nights out where you have to get childcare. Also, it gets my goat when people cancel by text, I think a phone call is the polite way to cancel.

Sidge · 11/10/2015 12:33

I wouldn't cancel them on Tuesday. Why stoop to their level and play silly buggers?

I'd be honest and say "I'm pretty pissed off actually, I went to a fair bit of time and effort not counting the expense so I'm not impressed at being blown out for no good reason".

I stop making plans with flakey people.

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 11/10/2015 12:35

Flakey and rude had you been ordering takeaway and they were bringing the wine. 'What's up? ' when you've spent money, time and effort planning a lovely meal in is outrageously inconsiderate. I'd tell her 'what's up'!

StarkyTheDirewolf · 11/10/2015 12:44

Same kind of thing happened to me as the party thread. Was my birthday/housewarming. Had about 8-10 people confirmed. My Dsis had travelled to stay with me, we'd spent all day planning, being excited, baking, cooking, cleaning, putting nice smells about the place, got all dressed up with new birthday outfit....And nobody turned up, not one. Nobody was answering their phones. The excuses dribbled in as the night went on, these included "we went out for a drink beforehand and now we're drunk, come meet us instead?" "My boyfriend turned up and we had an argument" "I was tired so went for a nap and didn't wake up". It was beyond humiliating, especially as we'd me and dsis put a couple of pics of the cake and food, champagne etc on Facebook saying we were excited. And then when people asked me about how it had gone I didn't know what to say! Still makes my stomach clench with embarrassment 3.5 years later when I think about it.

Y(w)nbu to cancel and you're menu sounds delicious!

wintersocks · 11/10/2015 12:51

Shock Sad starky that is so upsetting! what did you do- are you still friends with them? I would love to be invited to something like that and the OPs thing and think people who cancel last minute when others have gone to the effort of cooking for them are exceptionally rude. I do wonder if it's an age thing a bit as I notice those flakier ones of my mates are 30s, whereas on the whole 40-50 age group people tend to turn up. Also surely people with dcs generally less flakey because they have to fix up childcare?

Epilepsyhelp · 11/10/2015 12:58

Maybe the second canceller was dropped in it by her DH, he might be a bit of a dick and just said 'I'm not coming home'.

First one definitely a flake though.

wintersocks · 11/10/2015 12:58

btw no offence intended to people in their 30s not saying you are all flakeys! Grin just pondering whether age is a factor or not

GrouchyKiwi · 11/10/2015 13:01

Sad Starky, that's horrible. Flowers

OP: YADNBU. It's just shitty, inconsiderate behaviour.

Pipbin · 11/10/2015 13:09

Starky that is dreadful.

Flakey friends suck, why do they think they can carry on treating people like this?

Jeffreythegiraffe · 11/10/2015 13:11

The one with the DP is inexcusable. Why does her DP's plans which were made last minute take preference over her already made plan. Is she a doormat? What happened to saying 'um no, you know I'm going out'.

MrsJorahMormont · 11/10/2015 13:33

That is unbelievably rude, really sorry they did that. The party thread sounds terrible.

It also annoys me because I did have to skip a party a couple of years ago because of an attack of D&V but I'm sure the host thought we just couldn't be bothered Sad So people lying about illness then makes everyone ill suspect IYSWIM.

MrsJorahMormont · 11/10/2015 13:34

Has anyone got a link to the party thread? Was it from a few years back?

Original poster
Francoitalialan · 11/10/2015 13:41

The Significant Birthday thread was only a month or so ago I think

OP posts:
SnobblyBobbly · 11/10/2015 14:10

I am so anti-humans at the moment because of things like this!

A few things have happened with family members recently that have made me so upset. I can't understand why people can't just be considerate.

A few years ago I arranged a girls night with a couple of friends when I was coming towards the end of my first pregnancy. Like you OP I bought all the food, I bought wine for them although I couldn't drink myself, I left a BBQ early to make sure I got back in time and then got a call to say they couldn't make it.

It made me feel like complete shit - especially when my sister called to say she'd seen them in a nightclub together. We're still in touch, but it changed things for sure.

Why can't people just stick with bloody plans?!

sodabreadjam · 11/10/2015 14:17

I looked for the party thread as I had posted on it but it seems to have disappeared - probably under the Chat 30-day rule.

It was a grim read in some ways -just as you thought you had read the worst story about heartbreak, disappointment and flaky friends and relatives, an even worse one would come along.

Some of the worst involved hiring and decorating halls, catering, big cakes, discos, bands, etc. and hardly anyone showing up. It had happened to one person twice.

But the thread was very cathartic for a lot of people, I think - helped them to share the humiliation they had been harbouring for years and made them realise they were not the only ones to have this experience.

The people who should be feeling the shame are the ones who don't show because they can't be bothered and then text their pathetic excuses.

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 11/10/2015 14:18

Similar happened at my birthday this year - everyone cancelled on me on the day so I sat on my own watching crap telly and crying. It was awful.

Op, tell them! Just be factual - if they mention it just explain your annoyance, and that they also messed friend 3 around. Hope you enjoyed the food today.

sodabreadjam · 11/10/2015 14:23

BigBadCity Flowers

StarkyTheDirewolf · 11/10/2015 14:25

Thanks grouchy, pipbin and winter I had to work with them so not being cordial and civil with them would have been to my detriment, so I was friendly, but definitely didn't see them as friends after that iyswim. I wanted to tell them how much it had hurt me, but I decided to keep my mouth shut and brush it off as I thought if they can treat me like that as a friend, I wouldn't have been any better off as an enemy. If I showed them how upset I was, it would only ostracize me and it wouldn't have done any good. Glad to say, I left that workplace about 18 months ago don't keep in touch with them!

diddl · 11/10/2015 14:28

Well the ill one couldn't help being ill, and it's possible tha tshe would have made a decision at some point!

Other friend nneds to sort a babysitter & not rely on herOH by the sounds of it.

As for last friend, well I think that they are pretty shit for wanting to do it only when others can as well, unless you don't get on all that well.

Original poster
Francoitalialan · 11/10/2015 16:31

Diddl re the flu friend - she hadn't responded to any of my "how you doing? Still on for tonight?" messages at 6pm so how long should I have given her?

OP posts:
Mintyy · 11/10/2015 16:41

Call me old fashioned Grin but I'm rather shocked that so many people seem to think it's socially acceptable to do this.

Not long ago a friend invited me and dh, plus two other couples to dinner. There was quite a bit of to-ing and fro-ing to find a date that all 8 of us could do but when that was settled, the invitation went out.

In the day or two before the dinner, one of the couples said they had a lot on during the day of that Saturday and they "might" be too knackered to come. So our host had to provide enough food for them and when the rest of us got there, a place was laid for them at the table.

But they cancelled by text at about 8.10pm! Just a quick "sorry, we are too knackered after all, love to everyone there". This dinner was taking place about 10 minutes walk from their house by the way.

Hideously rude!

diddl · 11/10/2015 16:43

Sorry, had missed that she hadn't responded by six.

She was probably thinking that she could let you know half an hour before you were due to meet or something.

None of them seemed to have considered that you might already have bought stuff or made any effort at all.

GnocchiGnocchiWhosThere · 11/10/2015 17:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Andylion · 11/10/2015 17:59

As for last friend, well I think that they are pretty shit for wanting to do it only when others can as well,
She might have thought she was sparing the OP the effort, or should I say, any more effort, for just one guest.

diddl · 11/10/2015 18:14

Well yes, but she could have asked if OP had got stuff in or whatever.

Well I guess I would have wanted to make the effort as the others hadn't.