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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To accept I'll lose main custody of DC1?

64 replies

Leavingsosoon · 10/10/2015 08:27

I have name changed due to personal details but I guess I do want to know what you would do, what I can do.

I am certain I want to leave my abusive marriage.

However, our eldest is vocal in that they would want to live with their dad full time and I have a horrible feeling that this would lead to ultimately the whole family being fractured and ruined - if siblings wanted to then live with them, my husband would undoubtedly twist and turn things out of context to make me sound like the bad guy (I'm no saint, but when he gets on one I sound like a psychopath, which I'm not!) and all in all I'm terrified of losing my children to him.

Do I just have to accept that DC1 will go and I will lose them? Or stay? I've stayed for the reasons I've outlined above but I am just not sure any more.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 10/10/2015 12:10

Try not to let this turn into a situation where your DS is playing you off one against the other. I don't think an primary aged child is old enough to make the final decision as to which parent they live with. I've seen this happen and the child lives a few months with one parent and then they are off to the other one. Not saying this will happen in your case. You should apply for custody because as someone else said in years to come he could say you didn't even try and keep me at home.

Original poster
Leavingsosoon · 10/10/2015 12:56

I will absolutely try vivienne, if it comes to that - but ultimately what is on a court order won't help if he states he wishes to live with his father and his father is also happy with this.

OP posts:
maddening · 10/10/2015 13:03

Can you record the incidents of abuse that are occurring? If you are staying for now gather evidence and start to put plans in place such as gathering docs, evidence, passports etc?

Original poster
Leavingsosoon · 10/10/2015 13:14

They are against me rather than the children, though, and I have no proof of physical harm or any other.

OP posts:
PurpleHairAndPearls · 10/10/2015 13:24

Have you posted on here about his abuse in the past?

Ebony69 · 10/10/2015 13:32

Why do you think he's asked to live with his dad?

trackrBird · 10/10/2015 14:52

Keep a record anyway, leaving.
I wouldn't make any assumptions about needing proof of physical harm.

Have you had a word with Women's Aid? You can email if that's easier. They have helped and advised many people in your position. I feel you have backed yourself into a corner somewhat, and have been understandably worried by your friend's experience.

saucony · 10/10/2015 15:20

How old is DC1?

saucony · 10/10/2015 15:22

Sorry, didn't mean to post.

I agree with documenting everything he does to you. Children who live in the same house as an abuser are being abused, in their own way, even if they don't know it goes on. This will go against him.

Flowers I really hope you do find the courage to leave but appreciate the heartache you are going through.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 10/10/2015 15:27

I think you are looking at the worst case scenario and that is paralysing you. You can't use what 'might' happen as an excuse to stay in an abusive relationship. You need some help to break free and take your DCs with you - and if DS at some point in the future does decide to live with his father, then you cross that bridge when you come to it.

Please don't let this be the reason you stay. Please.

Atenco · 10/10/2015 15:48

You need to bear in mind OP that Emotional Abuse is also considered to be a crime, he doesn't need to have ever raised a hand to you. So I think you should start documenting it.

Also do you know why your son wants to stay with his dad?

UnlikelyPilgramage · 11/10/2015 17:12

OP, I read this yesterday, wanted to rely and forgot.

I wanted to say I understand your concerns entirely and ten years ago would have said similar as I watched three dear friends struggle with this very issue.

However, as the children have grown, they have in every case broken contact with their abusive father and have bonds with their mother that are close and strong.

Try to be brave and be strong. It will come right Flowers

BoboChic · 11/10/2015 17:19

Why don't you negotiate a 50:50 shared parenting arrangement? DP and his exW had this for several years and it worked extremely well while the DSSs were young. Less well when the high-stakes exam years set in - and they asked to move in with us FT at that stage, but it was years down the line and absolutely the right decision for them.

Original poster
Leavingsosoon · 11/10/2015 17:36

Thanks for your lovely and supportive comments. Bobo, honestly I can't see that working but I suppose ultimately it isn't really up to me.

OP posts:
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