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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dp's dm is driving me batty

28 replies

Justbatteringon · 09/10/2015 14:19

Ok I'm ready to be flamed here but here I go... DP asked me this morning if his parents could take the kids cause they missed them all well and good I said no problem.

But when they came to collect them and everytime they come dp's dm goes on and on about how she's giving me a break and how I need a break sometimes and I just want to shout at her your not giving me a break I'm fine you asked to see the bloody kids!
Wibu I would I know I would next time to say something I've no idea what but it drives me mental!

OP posts:
catfordbetty · 09/10/2015 14:26

If it keeps her happy, you could just suck it up.

WorkingClassHeroine · 09/10/2015 14:26

It does sound annoying, but maybe (devil's advocate) she is thinking back to when her DC were little and she was possibly in need of the occasional break. Or maybe she doesn't want to appear desperate and justifies it to herself as being helpful?

If a family member offered to take my two for a day out or even a couple of hours I'd bite their arm off! But that's because DP and me only have one living parent between us and FIL, who will step in occasionally if I need to pop out, is too busy enjoying his retirement - which is right and good of course. But still, I sometimes do wish we had somebody who could give me a bit of time off.

Maybe just laugh it off and say 'you can see the kids more often if you want - just ask' or something like that.

Arfarfanarf · 09/10/2015 14:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gruntfuttock · 09/10/2015 14:29

"I just want to shout at her your not giving me a break I'm fine you asked to see the bloody kids!"

Just say (not shout) that to her then. It would drive me mad too if she says that every time.

shutupanddance · 09/10/2015 14:31

Just tell her.

MrsP777x · 09/10/2015 14:31

You're lucky. I get no respite or help.

SaucyJack · 09/10/2015 14:32

Nah, YANBU. It sounds bloody irritating.

Does she always like to have the upper hand?

diddl · 09/10/2015 14:39

YWNBU to sat something imo.

Wonder if she goes on to other folks about how good she is to give you a break even though she finds it hardHmm

Another time just close the door whilst telling her that you don't want a break, she's no need to take the kids!

AnotherCider · 09/10/2015 14:43

Some people have a real need to be needed. They also don't allow themselves to do things for purely selfish reasons, it all has to be for worthwhile reasons. (My own DM springs to mind....) Could she be one of those? In which case seeing the grandchildren for herself isn't really acceptable in her mind, it has to be for the benefit of other people, ie you.

PerspicaciaTick · 09/10/2015 14:46

She really wants to see the DGCs. Somehow (can't think how) she has picked up that your aren't entirely keen on the idea. So she is trying to sell the idea to you as a benefit to you as well as to her - in the hope that you will continue to let her see the DGCs, possibly on a more regular basis.

Doesn't seem unreasonable to me.

Original poster
Justbatteringon · 09/10/2015 14:53

I know I'm very very lucky to have them I appreciate them very very much.

I was so tempted to say oh I don't need a break they can just stay here but ds was already at theirs.

saucyjack I think you've hit it on the nose there.

I'll not lie I do need a break sometimes and I appreciate it when they take them but I didn't ask them to take them I never ask for a break they offer to take them because they want to see them why can't she just say "I want to see my dgc" I would prefer that.
My own grandmother never wanted to spend time with me as a child and begrudgingly took us when dm needed her to perhaps I'm projecting...

OP posts:
DoJo · 09/10/2015 14:54

I find it really hard to balance the whole 'wanting to see grandchildren' with 'wanting to give us a break' thing as I don't want to impose, and as nice as it is to sometimes be able to get stuff done, I would much rather all our parents saw our son because they wanted to rather than because they feel that we need a break. Of course, there are times when we ask for their help for specific things - appointments and the odd evening out usually - but in between I don't want them ever to feel as though they are being put upon. I see where you're coming from OP, but I think that you need to just say 'If you would like to see the kids then you are more than welcome, but I don't want you to ever feel as though you have to have them just to give me a break' and leave it at that.

Original poster
Justbatteringon · 09/10/2015 15:01

PerspicaciaTick I just can't get behind that she sees them at least once a week they either take them, we go to theirs for Sunday dinner or they come here for coffee. I've just invited them to go to ds's playgroup for grandparents day.
dojo that's exactly what I need to say on the button.

OP posts:
KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 09/10/2015 16:09

I expect she just wants to feel useful.

Since my dad retired he rings frequently asking if I have any jobs that need doing (he's bloody brilliant at DIY). My mum's always saying how he likes doing my little jobs.

It probably makes her feel productive and purposeful.

DarkRosaleen · 09/10/2015 16:12

My DM (rip) could make a song and dance about looking after her DGC. My brother and family were visiting DPs and my Dad rang and asked if my DS1 could stay with them, DS2 was only a baby. dS1 was nearly 4. Dad wanted my DBs sons aged 3 to 6 and my DS1 all together.
DM started making a whiny enquiry whether DS1 would want to go (yes) whether he would miss me (no) would he eat her food (yes) would he play with his cousins (yes) would he behave ( ok, she got me there)
She clearly didn't want him. In the end I said forget it. Dad and DB were gutted. DM made out it was because I said no. I didn't say no, I told her I wasn't happy to let him go where he was not wanted.
Ah well, she is dead now, never had a loving relationship with any of her DGC unlike my Dad who is adored by them all.

RB68 · 09/10/2015 16:19

Oh Kingjoff does he live anywhere near me I could keep him occupied for a month of sundays!! My OH does not do DIY and after witnessing a few attempts to keep me happy I am glad he doesn't do more - lol

OhahIlostmybra · 09/10/2015 16:38

I feel your pain. My mil does this too. It's hard to describe how it's done unless you are on the receiving end!

They rarely ask to see dd and our they did ever take her, at their request, they'd always drop her back and say 'well let us know when you need help again'. Etc. it's just annoying being made to feel like you have asked for help/favour when you haven't. And I have no problem asking when I do!

Or she will text and say 'if you need help we can take dd on sat morning'. So I now say 'no I don't need help thanks but if you'd like to see dd you are more than welcome to have her'. It may be petty but I'm trying to make the point to them that they can see dd just because they want to, not as some sort of favour to me!

Jux · 14/10/2015 09:28

"Oh, sorry! I thought you just wanted to see them?"

Gottagetmoving · 14/10/2015 10:08

Sounds like your MiL wants you to appreciate them taking the children.
That is either because she feels she is doing you a favour or that she hopes you do get some you-time and make the most of it.
What you read into it depends on you.

IsabellaofFrance · 14/10/2015 10:20

YANBU.

My MIL does this. She has this annoying affliction that she has to be a selfless martyr. She cant take DD out because she wants to, its always so she can lend me a hand.

In the end I told her straight. I have absolutely no problem with her taking the DC's out, but please don't act like you are only doing it to help me out because A) the kids will think they are difficult to cope with, which isnt true and B) it makes it sound like she doesn't actually want to see them.

She hasn't done it since!

ConstanceMarkYaBitch · 14/10/2015 11:51

Oh god forbid anyone should actually feel good about something. She wants to see her grandchildren. She also wants to feel like she is helping you by giving you a break.
Presumably it does actually help you by giving you a break? So why not just say, yes, thank you. And everyone is happy. Why do people need to make such a fuss about everything?

gotthemoononastick · 15/10/2015 11:54

She is excited and proud that she is 'helping'and allowed to be involved.

My adult sons still talk about when Granny ' helped' me once a week and they were fair game to be shown off to supermarket staff and her friends.They were also very spoiled and had lovely afternoons out.

Children remember so much ... nice to hear middle aged men reminisce
( no car seats or seat belts, a million E-numbers sweets 'proper tea' in china cups and cake stands of loveliness) about how loved they were and 'silly Granny's' super times.

This is really not about you OP.

WorraLiberty · 15/10/2015 12:03

Oh god forbid anyone should actually feel good about something. She wants to see her grandchildren. She also wants to feel like she is helping you by giving you a break.

This ^^

Chill out and it'll be a win-win situation.

trollkonor · 15/10/2015 12:14

Yanbu to think Grrrrrrr to yourself but probably best to not share it with them. It sounds like she needs to find a reason to see them, for whatever reason.

EponasWildDaughter · 15/10/2015 12:52

If she really does bang on about it every time then i can see why this would be a pain.

I wouldn't want my kids hearing their gran constantly saying how much i need a break from them. (Hand on heart i didn't ever feel the need for a break from them, but that's beside the point).

I agree, next time just say clearly
'Oh no, i don't need a break i love having them around. I know you want to spend some time with them though so they're all yours for 2 hours'. Or whatever.

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