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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This is a real AIBU if I am please tell me .

43 replies

wakeupandsmellthecoffee · 08/10/2015 18:24

So as not to drip feed . I work and my 16 yr old DS comes to work with me after school . He doesn't work just does homework and watches TV .
Yesterday as we were leaving he asked me to get his hoodie off the kitchen side as he was carrying his laptop .I was happy to as he had school bag as well and his hands were full .
His actual words were " can you grab my hoodie please ".As i did so his watch which was resting on top of the hoodie fell on the floor .
He only found out the watch wasn't working this morning . He was extremely upset as this is the only decent present that his dad has ever bought him .
Today he has been so rude and says its all my fault and he takes no responsibility for him putting the watch there in the first place .
I obviously know its my fault that the watch got broken but I feel its really unfair to blame me and only me .
He says I should have known his watch was on top of the hoodie and that every time he goes in the garden to play football he takes it off and that I should have noticed.
So my AIBU is am I the only one responsible for his watch breaking .

OP posts:
laffymeal · 08/10/2015 18:25

No. It was an unfortunate accident. Your ds is being U.

SnakesandKnives · 08/10/2015 18:26

Hahahahahaha. No. He is. And I'm sure he know she is but is cross with himself and in general that he has a broken watch. We have ALL behaved like that at some point in our lives I'm sure. Can it be easily repaired?

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/10/2015 18:27

He's upset and lashing out. Whose fault it is wouldn't be how I would approach it. I'd approach it with a, "I'm so sorry the watch is broken, I can't tell it was really important to you and you're really upset. How can we sort this out?". Because it's not a watch, is it? It's his Dad not caring enough and him being angry with himself at leaving it there, and him being angry at you for not being perfect.

SakuraSakura · 08/10/2015 18:27

YANBU. It was an accident. He's just angry & lashing out. It's unfortunate....but it's not your fault.

Original poster
wakeupandsmellthecoffee · 08/10/2015 18:27

Nope he is still saying its all my fault .Cant see reason at all.

OP posts:
Gruntfuttock · 08/10/2015 18:29

He's upset and he knows it wouldn't have happened if he'd been able to pick up his hoodie himself. He's naturally upset that you didn't see it and it got broken, which I think is perfectly understandable. I hope the watch can be repaired.

XiCi · 08/10/2015 18:32

He's being petulant but is obviously upset because the watch holds sentimental value for him. I would have just apologised and taken it immediately to get fixed, it can't be beyond repair surely

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/10/2015 18:32

It doesn't matter whose fault it is. Blame after the fact is really pretty useless. Even if it is 100% his fault, you would still try to help him find solutions, right? So come at it from that point of view.

"Blaming me won't get your watch fixed so let's talk about what to do".

LineyReborn · 08/10/2015 18:34

I have a son the same age. If this happened to us I would get the watch repaired, but his part of the deal would be to say sorry for being rude and to agree to be more careful about where he left it in future - ie in plain sight. Draw a line, learn, move on.

Thefuckinggrinch · 08/10/2015 18:34

Because it's not a watch, is it? It's his Dad not caring enough and him being angry with himself at leaving it there, and him being angry at you for not being perfect.

This ^ I would take the watch and see if you can get it fixed and apologise to him. When he is calmer maybe suggest he finds a safer place to put it in future. I wouldn't shout at him. It's clearly a big thing for him so it's bound to provoke irrational emotions. Let him calm and promise to try and get it fixed. It's just a watch to you but obviously a big thing to him so I would just say sorry and sort it regardless of if I considered it my fault.

HortonWho · 08/10/2015 18:34

He's upset that he forgot about his watch and left it in a stupid place - otherwise he would have warned you to be careful when you picked up the hoodie. It's not ok to take it out on you because he is upset with himself and if he persists, he needs to have a reverse situation pointed out to him.

DaimYou · 08/10/2015 18:41

I agree with all those who say this is really not about the watch or whose fault it is.

I'd tell him I'm sorry he's so upset and that when he's ready to talk about it calmly and be polite to me we'd talk about what can be done about it.

Then I'd do everything in my power to get it fixed

XiCi · 08/10/2015 18:42

I don't understand why you haven't just said 'look it was an accident, noones fault, I'll take it to get fixed tomorrow' Drama over

Original poster
wakeupandsmellthecoffee · 08/10/2015 18:48

I have said to him earlier that Im sorry that the watch got broken and I do realise that it is a really special thing for him . I have apologised that I actually broke the watch.
I have said that I will get it fixed if it doesn't cost more than the watch.
He is a really good kid in the respect that he doesn't break anything or loose anything so when something gets broken through an accident its hard to take.
But I can't get it in my head to let him think its ok to not take any responsibility
I don't want him to turn into an adult man thinking its ok to behave like this .
He is a teenager I get that but blaming other people for things that go wrong I just can't seem to get my head round
He forgot his laptop the other day and tried to blame me for him forgetting to
put it in the car . Its this blame culture that I can't tolerate. I try and get him to own his mistakes as I hope this will make him into a more rounded adult . He is 16 so not long to go .

.

OP posts:
LizzieMacQueen · 08/10/2015 18:50

Broke my watch this summer, similar circumstances and watch fell onto concrete, it was less than £40 to fix.

perfumedlife · 08/10/2015 18:50

Why did the watch have to come off to do homework anyway?

He is being totally unreasonable.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/10/2015 18:53

If it's a wider pattern it might be worth working out why he does it. Possibilities:

  1. He's learned from someone that apologising or taking blame is weak, to be avoided.
  2. He has the lesson from somewhere that if you take responsibility you get punished.
  3. He's seen other people passing blame off.
  4. He hasn't learned the positives of taking the blame; feeling of honesty; lack of guilt; being able to make amends.

I know that DH finds apologising very difficult. His DF is narcissistic and never, ever apologises or takes responsibility for anything. DH is trying and I am trying to apologise to DD a lot for things so she learns how to do it. And encouraging DH to do it too.

Original poster
wakeupandsmellthecoffee · 08/10/2015 18:53

The watch came of to play football out side in the garden . So he was being responsible to take it off in the first place .

OP posts:
Original poster
wakeupandsmellthecoffee · 08/10/2015 18:56

DH never apologises and ALWAYS blames others . I realise this thats why it matters to me so much that he owns his mistakes I truly believe he will have a happier adult life and relationships if he learns to not do the blame culture.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 08/10/2015 18:58

Bingo, so DS has learned it from his DF. If you have a normally good relationship and you can talk to DS, maybe look at this with him. Help him unpick this and see what he thinks. At a neutral time.

SushiAndTheBanshees · 08/10/2015 19:03

He needs to know it's okay to make mistakes. These things happen, nobody (pointedly, NOBODY) is perfect. And that it takes a bigger person to own a mistake, to say sorry if it needs to be said and to move on, than to shirk responsibility for your own actions.

laughingatweather · 08/10/2015 19:04

It was an accident but can I ask why does he come to work with you after school?.

Is it transport or whatever other than him not being able to be at home on his own at 16 for a couple of hours?. Or is he not neurotypical?.

That would potentially make a huge difference in how his response should be judged.

Original poster
wakeupandsmellthecoffee · 08/10/2015 19:05

i have got him to read this thread so hopefully things will move on and obviously i will try and get the watch fixed . Thank you all for your opinions they have helped a lot .

OP posts:
GasLIghtShining · 08/10/2015 19:07

Sounds like my kids. Never want to take responsibility for anything. If I hear the whiney 'it's not my fault' one more time I am likely to kill someone

Bupcake · 08/10/2015 19:08

I'd start by getting the watch fixed. Once it's actually repaired, he'll likely calm down a bit. At that point you can have a chat with him about taking responsibility, and not blaming others. But he's maybe thinking that it'll never get fixed as it'll be too expensive (even if it's £40, that could seem like a lot of money to him).