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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so angry with DP?

39 replies

Livelaughloathe · 08/10/2015 17:05

Our DS is 22 months and has started this delightful hitting thing when angry.

Today whilst out a girl older than him pinched his balloon, DS got quite upset and hit her. I went over immediately, told him why he had misbehaved and apologized to her Mum. Mum accepts apology, I walk away. Mums friend starts shouting about not making DS apologize, I explain DS can't say sorry yet nor does he understand, she continues on, I apologise again to Mum and leave amongst shouts from Mums friend about my DS "attacking" the girl.

Them, me, DP, DS, a friend and her DS were the only ones in there. I suffer big time with anxiety, in fact it took a long time for me to muster up the confidence to go to these places. DP knows all of this but throughout this entire thing he did not step in to help, merely watched as it carried on. When I came back to the table he didn't ask if I was okay, make a comment, anything. Presumably it was obvious it had affected my anxiety as my friend remarked on how I was, DP still sat there saying nothing...

We have been together a long time, he knows all about my mental health issues. AIBU to be upset and angry that he didn't step in to support me, or even ask if I was okay?

OP posts:
ohmyeyebettymartin · 08/10/2015 17:08

Feelings are never unreasonable. The way we act on them can be.

Have you discussed it with your DP?

Unreasonablebetty · 08/10/2015 17:14

I suffer with mental health too, one of my conditions being anxiety, I would be LIVID. Does he know how alone and unsupported you must have felt.
Ps- making a child apologise when they don't mean it is not really the best thing to do, if he's not sorry then you can't make him, and he probably felt quite justified after the girl stole his balloon!!!

Try to forget about the shouting idiot, people like that are a rarity

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 08/10/2015 17:18

maybe he thought you were handling it fine, and to join in would undermine your efforts at beating anxiety "oh dear little LLL isn't handling this i had better take over".

maybe he was controlling himself from doing something far worse.
maybe he was just ignoring the silly people.

until you talk to him you will have no idea.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/10/2015 17:18

I can see why a man wouldn't want to step into an argument like that between women. Sometimes they feel that it is threatening, which sometimes it can be.

However, why on earth wouldn't he talk to you, ask if you are OK, see what you want to do?

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 08/10/2015 17:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyLonely1 · 08/10/2015 17:27

Yabu, why should another adult jump in when you were already dealing with it. Maybe he saw that you were sorting it out and didn't need to be involved, if he wasn't there you would have to do it anyway.

Original poster
Livelaughloathe · 08/10/2015 17:36

I have discussed it with my DP who didn't realize I was getting anxious he says. I find that hurtful as, after 7 years together, I'd think he'd pick up on it.

MrsTerry, I actually didn't even consider it from that perspective. He didn't ask how I was even once home, I approached him and asked why he hadn't...

Lady, I understand if I was alone I would've had to deal with it myself but I wasn't alone, was I? I didn't expect him to come in all guns blazing and shout at this woman, more just try and be the voice of reason as I was getting flustered.

OP posts:
MrsDeVere · 08/10/2015 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lunar1 · 08/10/2015 17:41

I wouldn't have expected him to intervene as it could have made things worse but he should have asked how you were after.

I would always have made mine say sorry though, even if it's just going through the motions, the have to start learning sometime.

Tiggeryoubastard · 08/10/2015 17:42

I don't know if he's being U. I'd be furious if my partner jumped in when I'm dealing with something. I'd see it as being undermined. And it could actually have inflamed things in that situation. Fwiw it sounds like you handled it very well. So while I applaud you, I disagree, if you see what I mean.

chillybillybob · 08/10/2015 17:42

Did the little girl apologies to your ds for pinching his balloon?

Sorry know that isn't the point (just nosy)

You have every right to feel unsupported. Speak to him he maybe didn't realise and thought you were handling the situation well.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/10/2015 17:43

Why did he say he didn't ask you how you were?

MythicalKings · 08/10/2015 17:47

I'd have been furious if my DH had intervened in those circumstances. You're an adult and he thought you were dealing with it.

Inthelookingglass · 08/10/2015 17:59

I have anxiety and it rotten so I know how you feel.

The one thing I've learnt with my DP who I've been with for five years is to never assume he knows when in having a bad day or upset about somthing. He is very reactionary so the moment I tell him ' I'm feeling really aggy ( my word for anxious) he will respond appropriately. I always look fine on the outside and sometimes think I need an arm to be hanging off before he would think to ask if I was ok. He is great when I let him know how I feel.

I think he did the right thing. The mums mate sounds a gobby cow and if your dp had stepped in it would have escalated and for idiots like that it's not worth it.

I wouldn't have apologised the second time ether.

How

PacificMouse · 08/10/2015 17:59

Well the thing that I have a problem with is the fact your friend picked up on your unease but not him.

I also wonder why he didn't think to ask if you were OK afterwards. That he didn't want to intervene, I understand. The not asking, I don't, even if he actually think you were doing well.

PacificMouse · 08/10/2015 18:02

The other thing that makes me wonder is the fact that he knows going out in places like that one is a trigger for you. If you going out in those places is still new (ie a coupple of weeks or months rather than years), then I would have wondered if you were OK regardless of the incident iyswim.

How confortable are yoou going out like this and does yor DH knows how you feel about that?

Original poster
Livelaughloathe · 08/10/2015 18:02

Perhaps through the being upset I expected more than I should have. I would have been grateful for the support, again I didn't want him to go crazy at this woman but I didn't consider that perhaps he worried about undermining me.

I think perhaps because her shouting was making me nervous and I tried to get out of the situation as quickly as possible.

Chilly, she didn't apologise or return his balloon and was about twice his age. Her Mum didn't make her apologise or return it either, despite the friend kicking off about my son not apologising.

MrsTerry, he didn't actually say anything! Just that he was sorry he didn't ask. I suggested that perhaps he doesn't know how to deal with those who suffer with anxiety and depression and he agreed but as I've said, we've been together a long time and I've suffered even longer.

OP posts:
slithytove · 08/10/2015 18:23

Lunar, can I ask how you make a non verbal child say sorry?

wannaBe · 08/10/2015 18:25

firstly, given you handled the situation well he shouldn't have been expected to step in.

Secondly, given you handled the situation well and then returned to the table having done so, I wonder whether your dp felt that you'd handled it well, but that asking would just feed into your anxiety by making you relive it.

Similarly, once the incident was done and you'd got home I wouldn't see any reason why it needed to be brought back up again.

IMO your dp was right not to have said anything and can't be expected to read your mind.

Spartans · 08/10/2015 18:28

I suffer with anxiety. Not so much lately and I feel I am coping much better.

However DH would only step in if I wasn't coping. It sounds like you were. He would also avoid attracting attention to it. Even by asking if I was ok, because often that can bring on anxiety again as I start thinking about it. He tried his best to act completely normal unless I wasn't coping.

This is just how it worked for us and it did work. It's inpossible to say who is by. because I don't know what's going on in his head.

PacificMouse · 08/10/2015 18:28

wannaBe why did the OP's friend picked up on her anxiety if she looked so much in control?
And why did she picked up on it and not her DP?

Spartans · 08/10/2015 18:40

pacific maybe he felt uncomfortable drawing attention to it. He felt she dealt with the situation well and was then becoming anxious and drawing attention to it would make it worse.

Unfortunately people who live with partners who suffer with anxiety don't always know what the right thing is to do. They don't get it right 100% of the time.

If the DP is generally a decent man I would suggest it's an error in judgment. Which we all do sometimes.

Original poster
Livelaughloathe · 08/10/2015 19:25

Okay, so I didn't expect him to "read my mind", as a few people have mentioned. But when you have a DP/DH/DW are there not certain things you pick up on, such as changes in their behaviour? Haven't you ever thought, oh so and so is acting a little strange, I'll ask if they're okay? If you were out with someone and something similar had happened would you remark on it or ignore what happened entirely?

My point is that no acknowledgement was made, he did not acknowledge that DS had hit another child or why nor did he acknowledge this woman shouting at me. Had he been in the same situation I would have at least remarked on it afterwards, I don't think that is expecting very much.

OP posts:
WhatamessIgotinto · 08/10/2015 19:42

My DH suffers badly from anxiety and in the gentlest way possible, it can be absolutely exhausting for me. Whenever we are out I am on edge the whole time in case I'm needed to deal with him as well as the children. Having said that, it would have been nice if he'd asked you if you were OK and I hope I don't sound like an unsupportive cow. We've been together 15 years now and I'll always support my DH because I love him but I won't deny that sometimes its very, very difficult for those around him. It's hard having an adult very emotionally reliant on you (I'm not saying this is the case for you).

Rinoachicken · 08/10/2015 19:46

Sorry but I think YABU. I suffer with MH issues and my DH is pretty good at 'knowing' when I'm struggling, most of the time. BUT I would never EXPECT him to know and certainly would never be annoyed with him for missing a cue or sign.

It's my MH problem, I see it as my responsibility to ask for help when I need it.

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