To be so angry with DP?

[Livelaughloathe]

Our DS is 22 months and has started this delightful hitting thing when angry.

Today whilst out a girl older than him pinched his balloon, DS got quite upset and hit her. I went over immediately, told him why he had misbehaved and apologized to her Mum. Mum accepts apology, I walk away. Mums friend starts shouting about not making DS apologize, I explain DS can't say sorry yet nor does he understand, she continues on, I apologise again to Mum and leave amongst shouts from Mums friend about my DS "attacking" the girl.

Them, me, DP, DS, a friend and her DS were the only ones in there. I suffer big time with anxiety, in fact it took a long time for me to muster up the confidence to go to these places. DP knows all of this but throughout this entire thing he did not step in to help, merely watched as it carried on. When I came back to the table he didn't ask if I was okay, make a comment, anything. Presumably it was obvious it had affected my anxiety as my friend remarked on how I was, DP still sat there saying nothing...

We have been together a long time, he knows all about my mental health issues. AIBU to be upset and angry that he didn't step in to support me, or even ask if I was okay?

I also think you were VU to say this to him:

I suggested that perhaps he doesn't know how to deal with those who suffer with anxiety and depression and he agreed

Of COURSE he doesn't! He's not a trained professional. He's your DH. He can't be expected to get it right every time. You said he's usually good - so he missed the signs this time. He's human. I think you need to cut him some slack.

Whatamess, you don't sound like an unsupportive cow at all :)

I'm sure it can be very difficult to deal with for the other person in the relationship, my DM lived with my DD's anxiety for a very long time and I know she found it testing and exhausting.

I think it's great that you are so supporting of your DH even though it can be tough, mental health is difficult not just for sufferers but those around them too I think.

Rinoa, I didn't say he was usually good in any of my posts...hence me suggesting that he didn't know how to deal with anxiety or depression. I am not making an assumption based on this one thing, this occurs often.

Whilst you may see it as your responsibility to ask for help as and when you need it not everyone is that quick to do the same, not everyone is that comfortable within themselves to say listen, I need some help.

You sound like you handled it well. No need for yoir dh at all.

not everyone is that quick to do the same, not everyone is that comfortable within themselves to say listen, I need some help.

No not everyone is. I used to find it impossible. Then I came to realise how unreasonable I was being expecting everyone to magically 'know' what I needed the second I needed it. So I learnt to ask.

Sorry but I still think YABVU and actually very hurtful and unfair to your husband.

And if he has never been 'good' and this, never able to 'know' then has it occurred to you that maybe no, he doesn't 'know' the signs, and he won't until YOU tell him what you need.

You have been together a long time, have you never sat down and talked about what helps, how he could help, how he might tell if you need help?

Rinoa, you're making me out to be a very needy person when I am not. This is the first occassion in a while where I have been cross with him, I am certainly not as "unreasonable", "unfair" or "hurtful" as you are making me out to be. He agreed that he does not know how to handle MH, or that when he is told how I am feeling he doesn't know what to say in response to it.

I do not expect him to "magically" know what I need "the second I need it", however in a situation where my friend could pick up on my anxiety I expect my partner to be able to from right across the same table.

Have I given the impression that he was given some massive ear bashing and we have had a falling out? We came home, I explained that I was hurt because he hadn't asked if I was alright, he said he was sorry, I asked why he didn't ask, he said he didn't know. After asking him whether he knew what to say when I was down or anxious he said no. We left the conversation there, we are still talking.

Rinoa, we have discussed it many times. In the past if I have said I am having a down day I usually get a sympathetic smile and a rub on the back, then it isn't mentioned again. The same goes for if my anxiety is bad or if I'm on the edge of a panic attack. There is no conversation and it has always been this way.

This isn't just me snapping at him not paying attention this one time and I admit that perhaps I am being unreasonable, it's been hours since I've posted this and I have had time to calm down and realise that there was nothing he could have possibly brought to the situation to make it any better but I am hurt that he didn't say are you alright after that crazy woman shouting at you, I know situations like that make you anxious?

This is an ongoing thing and always has been, there have even been occasions when I have said I've been having some dark thoughts, this is what I've been thinking and I've had the response of "I don't know what to say". When the person closest to you doesn't know how to respond it doesn't fill me with hope to share any further.

I apologise for coming across harshly. I just see how hard things are for my own DH trying to support me and look after our 2 DH. He tries so hard and he doesn't always get it right but I would hate for him to feel that he wasn't doing enough. My DH often doesn't know what to say to me either. So he just listens to my ramblings, gives me a hug and makes me a cup of tea. Ultimately there is very little someone else can say that would be right or make things right.

Initially he felt under pressure to say 'the right thing' and worried in case he said the 'wrong thing' so played it safe and said not much at all! Could this be the case with your DH? It was only when we actually sat down and talked about it that he was able to tell me that, and I was able to reassure him that I didn't need him to solve whatever the problem was or anything like that, I just wanted comfort and for someone to listen.

When I want/need a more substantial response that's what my MH keyworker is for.

I think you probably need to spell it out to him tbh honest. "If I say X this then what I really need is for you to do Y (ask me why and then listen/I need someone to hear my worry and reassure me).

Live do you think he wants to be supportive and doesnt really know how? I do sympathise with you, I know how hard it can be. DH describes when he's feeling very anxious as like being on the edge of a cliff and not knowing whether to go forward or backwards and I can't imagine how panicky that must make someone feel.

This is my two pence worth.

Yesterday, when you were angry at your DH for not asking how you were, I suspect that in fact, you were still reeling about the cheek of that woman, that you were still stressed and angry at the situation and that came out onto your DH rather than her, because let's face it you couldn't have a go at her, nor could let it loose when your friend was there. So you focused on a small thing that your DH did (or in that case didn't do) to express that anger. We've all done it before. The trick is to realise that and to not make it a huge thing when it actually isn't (From your last post, you seem to have done that already anyway)

I also suspect that, in general terms, you somehow feel unsupported by your DH and that he feels he doesn't know what to do best to help you. He might feel overwhelemed when you start going on about how bad you feel because he'd love to help you but can't. There is also such a thing as compassion fatigue. It's hard to be there for someone close when you also know you can't do anything at all :(
That's why I don't fully agree with the 'have you told him how you feel?' because if you were to tell him how you feel every time, he would certainly feel overwhelemed pretty quickly.

On the other side, you need a balance and to tell him when you need help and what sort of help you need.
eg you might explain you are really anxious about xx and tell him that you need him to listen to you having a rant about it.
See too what is helping you in general. Is it listening to you, just asking if you are OK (and if you are not, what can he do?), is it making you a cup of tea when he notices you are down? In effect what can he do to make you see he HAS noticed and he IS caring?
Then have a chat too about what he can do to support you. It might be that listening to you is too much for him (see the feeling distressed because he can't help) but he might be able to take over looking after your dd/doing the cooking so you have half an hour of peace and quiet.
What is usually helping YOU with your anxiety when things are bad? Do you prefer to be on your own or be with people? Do you like quiet or do you prefer to be busy?
And then what can your DH do to allow you to do what helps you?

Imo, listening to someone close who has a chronic illness, MH problems etc... is HARD. It is sometimes easier to show you care by doing things rather than by talking or listening.
It just needs to be something he can/is happy to do and something that you will see as a caring act.

Last word, don't compare too much what your friends do when yoou get anxiouys to what your DH does.
You will see your friends much less often, they aren't as involved with your MH problems. In the same way that it's easier for a HCP/counsellor to listen to you in an empathic way, it's easier for your friends because they can distance themselves much more easily.
Your DH can't and will need to react and deal with it in a different way. Otherwise, ong term, it is probably not going to work for him (and for you).

I can understand why he didn't intervene, probably didn't want to seem patronising or escalate the situation when you were handling it. However he should have asked if you were OK afterwards and not to do so when he knows your history of anxiety was insensitive. Some people just aren't very perceptive though so when you are both calm, discuss the sort of support you would like from him in future so he understands what is expected.