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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

entering day 2 of 'bootgate' and the civil treatment

36 replies

Fannycraddock79 · 08/10/2015 09:53

Will try and keep this as short as possible as it has potential to be waaaay too long! So, a few weeks ago dh went away for 2 nights with work and asked me to put bin out on bin day if I remembered. He also mentioned a binbag full of shoes that was in the top that I should go through and check to remove any I wanted to keep. Didn't think anything of it as knew he had tidied porch and possibly put out my old knackered trainers. Bag not in there, put wheely bin out.

Around feb I stopped wearing my favourite ankle boots that I bought last year (£110 from birthday money-this is relevant as I work pt and have no money for myself). I stopped wearing them because it was too warm I was 4 months pregnant and my trotters were too swollen to wear them. So yesterday, 10 weeks pp, I think to myself "I'll wear suitable jeans and my favourite ankle boots". 3 yr old is ready for preschool and 10wk old is crying on the floor as I look for said boots. Nowhere to be seen.check my wardrobe although I know they aren't there as had clear out 2 weeks ago. Ask dh "I don't know, haven't touched your boots". I know this is not true as I KNOW I left them in porch but had assumed they were now behind run buggy.

He isn't saying he did or didn't throw them out but said "if I did I owe you new boots". Unless they magically turn up somewhere (although can't think where), they have gone in the crusher.

I went ballistic. I feel guilty cos I shouted in front of ds and he looked worried "why are you sad mummy?".

The reason I'm so upset is that it always seems that my 'things' are "clutter/dustgathers/untidy", and I'm sick of it. I keep thinking "how fucking dare he put my things in a bin bag, and say I have to check the bin if I want to keep any of them".

I don't want to make him sound like a horrible person, he really is a fantastic husband, amazing dad, very kind and generous, but I am still fuming. I stropped off yesterday, I didn't get a call or text saying sorry, he went running last night and anytime I did see him I was 'civil' but have given no eye contact. This has continued today.

I don't plan on retaliating but I think an example I could give him is if I cleared the worktop and put it all on a binbag and said I have put everything in the bin, check if there's anything you want to keep and a few weeks later he realises his expensive garmin watch was in there. How would he feel?

Now because I work pt at home and don't earn much, and he pays for so much, I always feel guilty making him pay for things like this as he doesn't have loads spare at the end of the month but why do I feel guilty when he did wrong (even though it was an accident)? He says he told me weeks ago (he may but equally may have only thought he did) to check the bag as it had been sat at the bottom of the stairs waiting for weeks. I assumed this bag was his charity clear out (really don't remember him telling me to check it) and so didn't do anything with it.

I would never do that to him ever.
Sorry, that really was long anyway wasn't it.

Ps forgot to mention that a friend and I went on shop website and found boots still being sold (amazingly), and half price so have ordered and not told him Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Fannycraddock79 · 08/10/2015 09:54

What do you think I should do to make sure he never does this again? Besides telling him to "fucking leave my stuff alone" like yesterday

OP posts:
DingbatsFur · 08/10/2015 10:00

How about you sit him down and tell him how this makes you feel rather than planning revenge or avoiding him like a child in a huff?

magicpuppy · 08/10/2015 10:00

Where was the bag if not in the bin?

BigChocFrenzy · 08/10/2015 10:04

Sounds like he'd agree to foot the bill for your new boots, so take that boots order out of his personal spend.
I suggest you both agree that in future you each only clear out your own personal possessions.
Anything communal, you do together.

Then breathe and move on.
Enjoy your new boots
Smile

MaisieDotes · 08/10/2015 10:04

It's not really as bad as all that. I think maybe the boots are a symbol of your pre pregnancy self which you're ready to get back to now, so to find them gone was upsetting.

He said he owes you a new pair- take him up on the offer. You will need at least a full afternoon to do this. He will be minding the baby while you go and peruse boots.

I know you've ordered a replacement pair but go and get another pair on him, and have a bit of time for yourself.

Tell him that it's great when he tidies but he may not touch your stuff ever again or maybe designate an agreed spot for your "tidied" items.

lornathewizzard · 08/10/2015 10:05

Ok, I get that your pissed off. But, if you look at it from his view, he was trying to do a good thing by clearing out, and as far as he's concerned he asked you to check the bag more than once. And has acknowledged he might owe you a new pair, indicating he'll replace them.
Maybe just ask him not to clear out your stuff without checking first?

SlightlyAshamed1 · 08/10/2015 10:22

I think the sting comes from the feeling that your stuff is not important. You say that he has form for declaring your stuff dust gathering clutter. How is he about his stuff.

Has he acknowledged that this is upsetting for you? If he is genuinely sorry and will not do it again, that's just one of those things. If this is a pattern of behaviour then you need to start making lists of your stuff that gets 'lost' and being very clear that your feelings/stuff are important.

On the other hand, how much clutter do you generate compared to him?

Original poster
Fannycraddock79 · 08/10/2015 10:22

Magic I'm not sure but he didn't seem mega surprised that it wasn't in there "oh well if it wasn't I'm sorry".

I know you're all right and I am being childish in having a strip, especially when he is so good to me, I think I just feel a lack of respect for my things, eg "do you want to get rid of any of your books" (which are in bookcase), as he is not a book person and doesn't see a need to keep them. I would never say to him "do you want to get rid of any of your collection of bikes", because I know they are important to him and anyway what's it got to do with me if he has lots of bikes??

I take it all on board and will talk to him tonight keeping calm but letting him know it really really irks me when he thinks my things are unimportant (think this is linked to feeling unimportant in myself due to how I am treated by others) and disposable.

OP posts:
CocktailQueen · 08/10/2015 10:27

Well, you should have checked through the bag properly, just to check what was there.

But why don't you have any money for yourself?

(Glad you bought new boots.)

Original poster
Fannycraddock79 · 08/10/2015 10:34

Queen, I know but when I looked for the bag it wasn't there and I think he chucked it out the next week.

I don't have any money as I pay for food shopping with any time I do spend money it's on the kids.

OP posts:
nephrofox · 08/10/2015 10:45

I think the lack of spending money is an issue

How can your DH afford a collection of bikes, but you can't afford anything for yourself? You need to look at finances r ensure you both have equal access to spare cash

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 08/10/2015 10:55

To me it sounds like the boots issue is symbolic of a deeper issue OP.

It's not right that you don't have any money. There are lots of ways to fairly manage finances within a marriage but this doesn't sound like one of them.

fuzzywuzzy · 08/10/2015 10:57

If he does this regularly I would gather all his shit up put it in a bin liner and tell him to check the bin in case he doesn't want the stuff thrown out.

Then I'd hide it.

When he goes ape shit a few weeks later, I'd let him for a bit then bring the bag out and tell him that's how you feel except you do not get your stuff back.

But I'm childish like that, more importantly neither DP nor I behave so disrespectfully towards eachother.

fuzzywuzzy · 08/10/2015 10:59

Why do you buy essentials and have no money for yourself?

Surely you should have joint access to family money?

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 08/10/2015 10:59

I would be really annoyed if DH did this to me, YANBU.

I clear out my stuff, he clears out his. If he has a sort out of the kids' clothes, he might ask me if there is anything I want to keep (to eBay maybe, or just for sentimental reasons!) but we wouldn't touch each others.

Well, I tell a lie, we would, but it would be a face to face 'these boots are ripped and stink, instead of them being by the back door shall I bin them' type convo.

Thattimeofyearagain · 08/10/2015 11:02

You don't have the same personal spends? That's your problem right there.

Original poster
Fannycraddock79 · 08/10/2015 11:15

I'm making dh sound unreasonable with regards to money and that's not very fair, we were always a 50/50 split, so would pay the same into a joint account and all bills would come out of that. Now that I work pt and stay at home, he pays mortgage, all bills except food. It's not that he has loads left over (he really doesn't), it's just that if he ever has any, I feel bad taking it. If I needed something then he would gladly give me money if he had it, he does offer to buy me thjngs if ever (extremely rare occurrence) we go shopping but you know what it's like, once you're a mum you become less important and you'd rather spend money on kids. Obviously if we had loads I would love a spend up but it's not so important now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fannycraddock79 · 08/10/2015 11:16

Also, he always says my independence is restrictive for me, I never ask for help (if any kind) if I can avoid it

OP posts:
KatieLatie · 08/10/2015 11:24

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 08/10/2015 11:24

Interesting that he says your independence is restrictive. It's not about 'asking for help' or 'asking him for money'. Presumably you work pt to look after the DCs so the money should be shared between you both. You shoudn't have to ask. I understand you wanting to be independent but your DH should just transfer money into your account every month so you both have equal access to 'nice' and 'essential' things.

His attitude to your 'things' makes me feel uneasy tbh. It hints at a disrespect for your belongings and your passions, which in turn hints at a distrespect for you.

SaucyJack · 08/10/2015 11:34

I don't think you're being childish, and I don't think he sounds "silly".

He actually sounds like a really, really, unpleasantly calculating arsehole to me.

Who takes a perfectly decent pair of shoes from the correct storage place and bins them for the Hell of it? And why? That's not decluttering- that's just spite IMO.

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 08/10/2015 11:35

I would tend to agree with APlace OP - to my mind there is a big difference between 'asking' for money and feeling like family money belongs to both of you.

Don't undervalue your non-monetary contribution to family life.

I agree that to some extent most parents have to make compromises on stuff for themselves but that should be shared equally between both parents.

totalrecall1 · 08/10/2015 11:42

What is the issue. He put the shoes in a bag. Asked you to check the bag (which you didn't) and then offered to buy you a new pair, when actually he could have said you should have checked the bag. Really don't get why you have a problem

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 08/10/2015 11:46

This has happened to me. I put a bagful of cuddly toys in the loft - including my childhood teddy, that I have had since I was a baby, that my late father bought for me - so, very precious.

Dh was doing some sorting out in the loft and said he'd got a load of rubbish to go to the tip - he didn't suggest I checked it, and I didn't think to check it, because he had said it was bags of rubbish, not bags of toys and other stuff.

Anyhow, a while later, the penny dropped, and I checked with him what had been in the bags, and he told me that one had been full of cuddly toys, and I knew instantly that my childhood teddy was in the crusher at the tip - and I burst into tears, and insisted we go there straight away. Sadly the big container that the bag had gone in, had already been taken to the tip, and there was no way to get my bear back.

I do slightly blame myself, because teddy was in a bagful of other soft toys, in the loft - maybe not the best way to look after something precious - but you put things in the loft to store them, not because they are rubbish, so I do slightly blame dh too.

I think it was worse because I never really cried when my dad died (it was in 2000, and was very sudden - he'd been ill with a cold, but collapsed and died at home), and losing the bear just opened the floodgates, and I cried off and on for over a week.

OP - I would tell your husband that it is not sensible or respectful for him to clear things out and tell you they are in the bin, and you can check them to see if he's thrown out anything you want to keep - and maybe you could agree with him a different way to go about clearing out - dh and I tend to do it together now, so we are both making the decisions about what to keep and what to toss - at least that way one person can't throw out something the other person wants.

MyrtleMoaning · 08/10/2015 11:49

I'm not getting it either, he told you to check the bag, that's your responsibility, not his. I gather stray belongings up and put them in carrier bags for each person. It's that person's responsibility to sort the bag out after that. I don't expect to get blamed for anything goes missing.