entering day 2 of 'bootgate' and the civil treatment

[Fannycraddock79]

Will try and keep this as short as possible as it has potential to be waaaay too long! So, a few weeks ago dh went away for 2 nights with work and asked me to put bin out on bin day if I remembered. He also mentioned a binbag full of shoes that was in the top that I should go through and check to remove any I wanted to keep. Didn't think anything of it as knew he had tidied porch and possibly put out my old knackered trainers. Bag not in there, put wheely bin out.

Around feb I stopped wearing my favourite ankle boots that I bought last year (£110 from birthday money-this is relevant as I work pt and have no money for myself). I stopped wearing them because it was too warm I was 4 months pregnant and my trotters were too swollen to wear them. So yesterday, 10 weeks pp, I think to myself "I'll wear suitable jeans and my favourite ankle boots". 3 yr old is ready for preschool and 10wk old is crying on the floor as I look for said boots. Nowhere to be seen.check my wardrobe although I know they aren't there as had clear out 2 weeks ago. Ask dh "I don't know, haven't touched your boots". I know this is not true as I KNOW I left them in porch but had assumed they were now behind run buggy.

He isn't saying he did or didn't throw them out but said "if I did I owe you new boots". Unless they magically turn up somewhere (although can't think where), they have gone in the crusher.

I went ballistic. I feel guilty cos I shouted in front of ds and he looked worried "why are you sad mummy?".

The reason I'm so upset is that it always seems that my 'things' are "clutter/dustgathers/untidy", and I'm sick of it. I keep thinking "how fucking dare he put my things in a bin bag, and say I have to check the bin if I want to keep any of them".

I don't want to make him sound like a horrible person, he really is a fantastic husband, amazing dad, very kind and generous, but I am still fuming. I stropped off yesterday, I didn't get a call or text saying sorry, he went running last night and anytime I did see him I was 'civil' but have given no eye contact. This has continued today.

I don't plan on retaliating but I think an example I could give him is if I cleared the worktop and put it all on a binbag and said I have put everything in the bin, check if there's anything you want to keep and a few weeks later he realises his expensive garmin watch was in there. How would he feel?

Now because I work pt at home and don't earn much, and he pays for so much, I always feel guilty making him pay for things like this as he doesn't have loads spare at the end of the month but why do I feel guilty when he did wrong (even though it was an accident)? He says he told me weeks ago (he may but equally may have only thought he did) to check the bag as it had been sat at the bottom of the stairs waiting for weeks. I assumed this bag was his charity clear out (really don't remember him telling me to check it) and so didn't do anything with it.

I would never do that to him ever.
Sorry, that really was long anyway wasn't it.

Ps forgot to mention that a friend and I went on shop website and found boots still being sold (amazingly), and half price so have ordered and not told him

I totally understand, as I don't have my own money either. I could actually (and have) cried when something gets ruined. It's because I know I can't replace it and it was a big deal to buy that item.
It's a bit disproportionate to real life, and I'm sure your husband won't really understand it. But I get where your coming from.
You are going to have to accept it as done and deep breath, let it go as it wasn't done out of malice.

I do think money should be shared when one of you is working less to do childcare, or earns less anyway, if you are a household. It should ALL go in one pot. All expenses come out of it, and then what is left is spending money to be split equally. If he gets lots of personal spending money and you don't, something is wrong. You are a family/partnership.

First of all, the fact you have less money than him is partly (fully?) coming from the fact you are looking after your two dcs instead.
So he is NOT doing you a favour, being massively generous by giving you some money. Nor is it OK that you split finances 50/50. The fact you are looking after the dcs has a price too.
You should share your finances fully so that you can both have acess to 'extras' (like the bikes or the boots).

Second, it is NEVER acceptable to put things in a bin bag to throw away when these things aren't yours. Yes he did tell you about it. But vaguely, he didn't put the bag somehwere obvious nor did he check with you if you had gone through the bag before chucking things in the bin. That was unacceptable and his behaviour shows he knows that.
You'll have to learn to be assertive on that!

Third, yes buy the boots again. But please don't take it from 'your' money and make a point of showing that his carelessness means that you had to spend money that could have been spent on something else.
ie he made a mistake, he is repairing it by buying a new pair iyswim.

Btw, Im sure there wasn't any malice behind it.
But there was some sort of entitlement to do as he pleases with stuff that aren't his.
There is a no care attitude about the OP's things (see the issue with the books for example).

That has to come to an end.

He needs to sort his stuff and you need to sort yours simple - he can't chuck yours and you can't chuck his

"I gather stray belongings up"

She didn't say she'd left them lying around; she said they were in the porch which seems to be where they keep the shoes in their house.

And even if she had left them on the living-room floor, it's still monumentally cuntish to throw a perfectly nice pair of your spouse's shoes in the bin just because you've decided you don't want them in "your" house.

I so recognise the annoyance and irritation caused by " boot gate " . I have a DH who every now and then ( usually when he is bored or trying to avoid gardening , DIY etc.) decides to have a " clear out " and a trip to Oxfam. Strangely it seems that many of my belongings are surplus to requirements and need " sorting " whereas many of his old tools, assorted screw, nails etc. " might come in handy ". It is very, very annoying.

A few recent events have brought things to a head for me . Firstly he allowed the men delivering our new tumble dryer to take away the old one without checking to see if there was anything still in the drum . This is how I lost several nighties, four or five of my favourite tops ( one only a week old !) and several items of underwear. I decided not to row about it or shout or resort to violence but simply stated in a very firm but pleasnt way ... " oh well, I shall enjoy shopping for replacements. " He then drove me into town and I had a pleasant few hours choosing stuff whilst he kept very quiet ( I think he was on edge waiting for the backlash !! )

Secondly , we were out yesterday in a book shop and he was looking for a particular novel to buy . I saw a couple of paperbacks I would like to read and he said " don't you think you should read all the other books at home first ?" Er...... why is it me that has to read them all before I buy another ? I didn't buy them all , we both did ! We both earned a similar amount before retirement and have joint accounts so why did I feel guilty about wanting the books ? In the past he has said things like " some of these books need to go " as if they are cluttering up his life or their presence is offending him . Our garage is full of .... well, stuff.... but now my exercise bike is out there too it needs to go apparently.

Why is he like this ? I have no idea. I'm not untidy ( he is ! ) but he seems to have a need to get rid of any of my things that he considers superfluous.

Anyway , the upshot is I am now being very FIRM. Today , when he mentioned getting rid of books I said " No, I want to keep them. You can throw away your books but you are not throwing away anything that I want to keep. If you do , you will find some of your stuff disappearing when you least expect it !" We both did have a good laugh at how ridiculous we were both being but he got the message .

Hope OP that you got some great boots and he paid for them . I also agree with the posters who commented on the way your money gets split . You are looking after the children and enabling him to work . It's family money that you both earn and should be shared equally. I am older and wiser now though...years ago when I was a SAHM I was given a set amount of pocket money ! Also , when I went back to work and was earning a very decent salary it went into a joint account which I never felt was " mine" to touch without asking first. As I have got older I am much more of a feminist and can't believe what I used to accept as normal!!!

Sorry to hijack your thread but needed to get this off my chest ..

I'm on the fence here.

My DF used to periodically decide everything was untidy and put all he deemed untidy into a bag to sort. Problem was things got broken, and his untidy was at times where the thing was needed. Eg I remember the phone book being chucked because it was untidy... It lived under the phone.

However, not being a tidy person dh is worse than me. Last year, having asked dh to sort a box for the 8th or 9th time I tipped it on the floor of the lounge and said that anything there the next day was going to the tip. The box had been packed to move house 6 years ago and most of the stuff in it was no longer compatible with modern equipment.
Dh also has the opinion of tidiness that if it's put on the place he put it it is automatically called tidy. Which is why I can't access my drawer under the bed which has most of my clothes in without moving 7 pairs of shoes, which are dropped in an untidy pile. I have tidied these many times, provided a box, a shoe rack, cleared out the bottom of the wardrobe for them... And they still end up there. Maybe the black plastic bag method might help him keep them tidy?

I think you should start at the beginning. Stop feeling guilty when he has to spend 'his' money on you. You need to have a talk about that before you even begin to think about the missing boots. Are you caring for 'his' child ?

Basically if he puts anything, even an old piece of paperwork or what he thinks is a grotty Old dog-walking jumper, in a bag to be cleared out, he has to ASK you. ANYTHING. Not 'it's in a bin bag now look through it' but 'CAN I put this in a bag for the tip/charity'

Nothing leaves its spot where he finds it without your express permission from now on.

You wouldn't do it with his stuff. So why should he do it with yours, and dress it up as a 'favour'?

DH did this with some of my stuff once and I went ballistic. I told him it was extremely arrogant of him to try to decide for me what I wanted to keep. He knows not to sort my stuff for me now.

Sort out your access to money too. What do you mean, he doesn't have much left - you should have equal spending money left.