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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DH to quit smoking

39 replies

shebird · 07/10/2015 15:09

I've had enough and think its selfish on so many levels. My main concern is his health, I live in fear that every time he coughs its lung cancer. The cost also makes me so [Angry

He has tried to stop before but as soon as it gets tough he just gives in.

Aibu to to say try harder and keep trying till you stop?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 07/10/2015 15:10

Yabu, as much as I understand you not liking it giving up isn't that easy and it has to be him doing it for him not just to keep someone else happy for it to work.

Justbatteringon · 07/10/2015 15:11

I've the same issue with my DP.

At the end of the day he's the one who needs to decide to quit not you. Took me a long time to realise that.

UncertainSmile · 07/10/2015 15:12

Would he consider a vape kit?

FarFromAnyRoad · 07/10/2015 15:12

You can ask - but he'll probably get prickly and feel threatened. Smoking is an addiction. No addict likes the source of their pleasure being removed.
So I recommend buying him an e cig starter kit (VIVID is very good, there are zillions others available) and asking him to just give it a try.
I was a committed and dedicated smoker - it was my life's calling to smoke and smoke a lot. I quit on day one of using my e cig and two years later I still don't smoke.
So if I were you - that's what I'd try.

Every1KnowsJeffHesUsuallyACunt · 07/10/2015 15:12

Unfortunately yes.

The way you're feeling is justified but you can't force him to stop.

helenahandbag · 07/10/2015 15:19

YANBU to ask but you can't force him. I smoked for years but I now vape and I haven't touched a cigarette in two years.

I did it because I wanted to though, someone asking me to if I didn't want to quit wouldn't have made any impact on me.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/10/2015 15:20

It's not about trying harder, though. It's about him feeling ready and it really being the time he wants to give up. You pushing may make him push back.

If I were you I would set boundaries, not in the house, not near me. Stick to them and not talk about it other than that. He has to decide for himself.

I quit years ago, my DH quit more recently. Because he decided to.

BananaRaces · 07/10/2015 15:23

YABU - I'm afraid that won't help him to stop, he'll just feel bad for letting you down and what does he do when he feels bad? - he smokes!

I smoked every day for about 7 years, it took me a year of really trying before I finally managed to quit for good. It's hard, it's so damn hard. You have to really WANT to stop, and you have to do it for yourself. I have been off them for over 4 years now and I know I will never smoke again, they smell horrible etc. But I also know that if I ever smoked just one again I would be straight back on the bloody things.

If he feels like he is ready to try to stop again you could try getting him a copy of "The Easy Way to Stop Smoking" by A. Carr. It really helped me to stop, and more importantly to STAY stopped. I found it helped if I wrote bits of the book which really spoke to me out on a bit of paper and carried them around in my pocket for when I was having a tough moment.

Scobberlotcher · 07/10/2015 15:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
shebird · 07/10/2015 16:30

I understand that it's hard to quit and that you have to want to stop as I am also an ex smoker.

What I find hard understand is why he does not want to stop. He has a family history of heart disease and cancer. If I was doing something that was going to potentially make me very ill, cause my family grief and stress then I would want to stop. I would not want to risk putting my DCs through that.

I also feel a bit annoyed when he talks about money being tight when cigarettes cost £5- £10 a day. That is a big annual expense that we as a family cannot affordAngry

OP posts:
Scobberlotcher · 07/10/2015 16:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maras2 · 07/10/2015 16:43

Only £5-£10 a day.Does he smoke knock off's? You are so NOT being unreasonable.He is!

SistersOfPercy · 07/10/2015 16:48

YABU

A smoker wont quit until they want to and nagging/asking etc achieves nothing but make the partner a secret smoker.

WorraLiberty · 07/10/2015 16:51

YANBU but as others have said, you can't force him.

If he's spending £5-£10 per day (not sure why anyone would think they're knock offs?) then he could at least switch to rolling tobacco which will be cheaper.

But I second Far's suggestion of buying him an e.cig to try.

squoosh · 07/10/2015 16:52

YANBU.

Of course it's not unreasonable to raise the subject with him. You're his partner, you love him and you're worried for his health.

Unfortunately people only stop smoking when they want to. Nagging isn't going to motivate anyone to kick the habit but a genuine conversation might help.

squoosh · 07/10/2015 16:53

If he shows any interest in stopping buy him a copy of Allen Carr's Easy Way To Stop Smoking.

zebra22 · 07/10/2015 16:58

YABU it's an addiction and only he can control this

OhFuckWhatHaveIDone · 07/10/2015 16:59

Can you organise your personal spending money (assuming you pool your money) so that he has to buy cigs out of his and the cost therefore only impacts on him?

squoosh · 07/10/2015 17:02

I also feel a bit annoyed when he talks about money being tight when cigarettes cost £5- £10 a day. That is a big annual expense that we as a family cannot afford

Fuck that then. If he was spending £10 a day on socks for example or magazines you'd certainly mention it. The fact he's spending it on fags is neither here nor there.

WorraLiberty · 07/10/2015 17:05

Most addictions cost money though.

If this was a food addiction, would anyone expect him to have a separate shopping list?

squoosh · 07/10/2015 17:06

Yes, if he was spending £10 a day that the family couldn't afford on chocolate.

WorraLiberty · 07/10/2015 17:09

But it wouldn't help him to be less addicted would it?

It's like popping over to the weight loss boards and telling people how selfish they are, if they happen to be a low income family.

If only it were that simple.

squoosh · 07/10/2015 17:14

Well personally I think it's much easier to get to grips with a nicotine addiction than a food addiction. One you need to give up completely and the other you need to rebuild your relationship with.

Smoking is pretty easy to knock on the head once you've made up your mind to do it.

The family can't afford it and he needs to face up to that.

WorraLiberty · 07/10/2015 17:28

I know what you're saying, but whether it's pretty easy or not will depend on the individual really.

SolidGoldBrass · 07/10/2015 17:31

You are only justified in playing the money card if you have no money-costing pleasures of your own. If you have a weekly treat or two (whether that's wine, make up, chocolate, a cinema trip or getting your hair done) then you might be able to use the offer of giving that up as leverage.
Otherwise you'll have to lump it. WHining and nagging at someone to give up smoking just makes them a) resent you and b)smoke in 'secret' leading to endless rows.
You are not his boss or his owner. He wants to smoke. It's not up to you whether he does or not.