To ask DH to quit smoking

[shebird]

I've had enough and think its selfish on so many levels. My main concern is his health, I live in fear that every time he coughs its lung cancer. The cost also makes me so [

He has tried to stop before but as soon as it gets tough he just gives in.

Aibu to to say try harder and keep trying till you stop?

Hmm, I think you should tell him that of course you can't force him to quit but you can tell him that you would like him to read Allen Carr's book on quitting smoking and have one visit to a hypnotherapist.

He can do both of those without committing to stopping smoking and I would be quite insistent that he does.

If he continues to smoke then hopefully something will stick and he might smoke less or plant a seed for quitting later.

You are only justified in playing the money card if you have no
money-costing pleasures of your own. If you have a weekly treat or two (whether that's wine, make up, chocolate, a cinema trip or getting your hair done) then you might be able to use the offer of giving that up as leverage.

That rather misses the point of the suggestion. She doesn't have to have no personal/luxury expenses - she just has to be happy to have them come out of her half of the amount earmarked for personal spending. The point of it coming out of his was to make smoking vs. not smoking have a more direct financial impact on him, rather than have it spread across the whole family.

You are only justified in playing the money card if you have no money-costing pleasures of your own.

Nah. Unless she's spending on herself the same amount (or near enough to it) that he spends on cigarettes she is more than justified to raise it.

A copy of Take A Break and a Caramac on a Friday afternoon is hardly on the same scale

You have a point about the waste of money, but I'm assuming the smoking isn't something he has recently started and you knew he was a smoker when you started a relationship with him? If it wasn't a deal breaker then you can't dictate he has to stop now, you can support and encourage him to quit but laying the law down won't work, he needs to make the decision himself.

You can't make yourself want to do something that you just don't want to do.

Think about something you don't want to do, maybe a bungee jump or something, and see if you can make yourself want to do it. It doesn't work, even when you know there are good reasons for it.

Have you tried buying him an ecig or anything to at least encourage him to cut down?

Smoking is pretty easy to knock on the head once you've made up your mind to do it.

Not necessarily.

Thank you for all your comments.

Yes he was a smoker when we met so I and pretty much everyone we knew at the time. The trouble is everyone else has given up but DH has not.

I have never nagged him to give up I know this won't work. I have been waiting almost 20 years for him to want to stop and I am running out of patience.

Has he shown any interest in an e-cigarette? Most smokers I know seem to be moving on to them.

He has tried e cigs but gave up on them. Perhaps I will encourage him to try again.

Yes he was a smoker when we met so I and pretty much everyone we knew at the time. The trouble is everyone else has given up but DH has not.

You can't force him to, especially if he smoked when you met.

I don't think she's trying to force him to stop. She just wants him to stop smoking, which is perfectly natural.

I am also a bit reluctant to accept that because he has an addiction I should somehow be tolerant and sympathetic. I'm not sure how sympathetic DH would be if I bought a new pair of shoes every week

YANBU

I'm not ashamed to say I bitched at my DP after about a month in to the relationship until he stopped. He has. I'm happy, he's healthier and not wasting money and frankly smoking is selfish and disgusting. I'm also s sanctimonious ex smoker ;-)

YANBU. Statistically speaking, it'll probably kill him. If he's smoking in the house, he might be in the process of killing you and harming your kids. Money's the least of it.

Quitting smoking is not easy (I know, I've done it, maybe 50 times...) but tough shit, he's got a wife and kids. He should see his GP for smoking cessation advice. Gum, patches, lozenges, sprays - all waaay cheaper on prescription.

It's commonly said that the addict has to want to quit for themselves, not for any extrinsic reason. Not always true. I stopped because seeing my husband crying and begging me to stop because he didn't want me to die of cancer like both his parents did, was upsetting.