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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about my 12 year old sons hair?

59 replies

moodyandgrumpyandsad · 06/10/2015 18:49

My 12 year old is refusing to cut his hair, as he has got obsessed with having it permed . A couple of older boys In his school have it, and are cool and popular. Unfortunately my son is desperate to fit in, always has been, but his desperation clearly shows to others and he's experienced low level bullying the last year.

He looks awful, his hair is in that overgrown stage, its all different lengths and is very wiry and bushy and he looks really scruffy. He is refusing to cut it, as he wants a perm. This would cost about £60, which he hasn't got. I am not paying it, as I can guarantee that he would hate it once done, and there's no way I can afford it anyway!

How long do I let him continue with this? Apart from anything else if he did have it I think the bullying would go into overdrive!

OP posts:

Thread gallery

Cookingongas · 06/10/2015 18:52

It's his hair. You shouldn't be letting or not letting unless the consequences would be severe( school rules etc) presumably he is allowed in school to have long hair? ( even if a bit scruffy) he can save for a perm if he wAnts it that badly. It's his hair, IMO his choice. ( and a nice safe form of rebellion)

IHaveBrilloHair · 06/10/2015 18:55

I'd tell him you can't afford the perm, but other than that leave him to it.
It's tricky when they are making a decision you know isn't wise, and I feel for you, but you can't really tell him what to do with his hair, you can refuse to pay for it, but doing it in an apologetic way, as in you don't have the money, is more likely to keep him onside.

mudandmayhem01 · 06/10/2015 18:57

Are perms popular? What type of look are these boys going for, Kevin Keegan? The mind boggles, but like pp says a minor rebellion not worth worrying about!

Original poster

moodyandgrumpyandsad · 06/10/2015 18:57

Yes its a hard balance, as I know its his hair, but he looks bloody awful . I just know that the way he looks now before the bloody perm, will open him up to more abuse from others as he looks so ridiculous!

OP posts:

Original poster

moodyandgrumpyandsad · 06/10/2015 18:58

Never mind what he would look like with a perm! . I will try and keep my disapproving mouth shut!

OP posts:

BabyGanoush · 06/10/2015 19:00

At 12 I think parents can have a say in hair cuts, nail cuts etc.

I have a 13yr old boy. I tell him he can tell the hairdresser HOW he wants it cut (long fringe, whatever is fine) but he has to have it cut every few months. Would that work? He can then explain hairdresser about what style he likes.

He can save up for a perm himself, I'd say. But perms use strong chemicals that I would rather not put on kids tbh.

You sound worried for him, and the hair is just the tip of the iceberg? Is the pastoral care any good at school? Can you talk to his tutor about any bullying/unhappiness?

Only1scoop · 06/10/2015 19:03

Are perms back in

Dear God

Original poster

moodyandgrumpyandsad · 06/10/2015 19:04

The school is useless, already been down that route. He is quite sensitive and vulnerable to being bullied, and I am genuinely worried for him . I'm not just being horrible not letting him have it done!

OP posts:

SaucyJack · 06/10/2015 19:14

Under normal circumstances I'd say that it was up to him.

But 12 year old boys with permed hair is not normal, or something any parent should encourage.

I can't even picture what the desired result would look like. Just.... WTF?!

AnyFucker · 06/10/2015 19:20

a perm ?

what, like this ?

BabyGanoush · 06/10/2015 19:26

Ok, thinking outside the box... What is your boy into? Anything that sparks his interest? Can you try new activities with him?

The hair is about identity, and finding his identity. So what makes him tick?

When my DS started year 7, we tried lots of things: karate, fencing, tech camp. He loved tech camp and loves fencing too. He now talks about becoming an engineer.

Boys at this age are learning who they are. so Think of ways to help him find his identity (other than through looks).

Find his spark, and run with it ( this was advice I got from Stephen Biddulph, it's good advice IMO)

Only1scoop · 06/10/2015 19:27

Bootiful

There some corkers underneath that pic....permed mullets and all sorts.

FauxFox · 06/10/2015 19:35

You may find a salon will refuse to perm his hair anyway. I tried to get DD a dip dye and even with my being there and consenting they said no chemical treatments on under 16s.

canyou · 06/10/2015 19:46

Could you ask the hairdresser to curl his hair perm style I remember we used to do it with cigg papers so he can see the end result over a weekend, it might help change his mind.

CPtart · 06/10/2015 19:49

A couple of boys in my DS year (year 8) have had their hair permed. Think
A-Ha circa 1980's. My DS is also often desperate to fit in, but hasn't gone down this route yet thank God

PUGaLUGS · 06/10/2015 19:51

The boys that go to the secondary school I work in were having perms last spring/summer, perms were just on top, some of them had right mops . The back and sides were cut very short.

AnyFucker · 06/10/2015 19:53

Get him to join Army Cadets or Air Training Cadets.

It transformed my boy's life.

x2boys · 06/10/2015 19:56

Perms are unfortunately back in I have seen a few boys early teens with perms so it does seem to be the norm it doesn't look that bad really think short hair curly on top not like the awful perms I had as a teenager

myotherusernameisbetter · 06/10/2015 19:57

Mine (14 and 15) have had longer styles for years (no perms though) I'm like the PP who said I do encourage them to have at least a trim every few months but they can choose the style/length - I can't really force them to have it cut at all so I am grateful for small mercies. DS1 likes hair to hide behind as he is very shy and he doesn't care about fashion and doesn't know what he wants, DS2 is sensitive about his ears - apparently they are too small and girly! so he wont get it cut short either.

The main problem with long hair is that the barbers either wont or can't cut it and the salons are £££££ we now have to get a girl in to cut it as she charges a reasonable price.

x2boys · 06/10/2015 20:01

It could be worse he's probably not old enough to grow those god awful beards that seem to be fashionable at the moment!

myotherusernameisbetter · 06/10/2015 20:06

Could you encourage him to get it cut in the style he'd need for one of those perms? i.e. short back and sides and longer on top?

myotherusernameisbetter · 06/10/2015 20:07

The shorter the sides and back are the longer the top will look - he might get it done like that and then be happy enough to forget the perm for a bit.

x2boys · 06/10/2015 20:13

My nephew has that style he's nearly 12 myother.It looks really good.

Original poster

moodyandgrumpyandsad · 06/10/2015 20:16

Good advice thank you! I think that's part of the problem, in that he has no sense of his identity. Unfortunately he hasn't come across anything that he enjoys/has a talent at, despite trying various sports over the years. He isn't academic at all, and finds school very hard. I wish there was something that he was passionate about, as that would give him confidence .

OP posts:

EarSlaps · 06/10/2015 20:16

Can you persuade him to go for a tidy up, to get the hair into a neater, 'cooler' style whilst it's growing?

Perhaps if he agrees to go you could give him a couple of quid towards his saving for a perm?

Agree that maybe he needs a hobby that will help him find some confidence. God I'm dreading the teenage years!

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