To ask for the best put-down you've ever heard? (lighthearted)

[SniffsandSneezes]

So I recently revisited this frankly brilliant thread and have been chuckling away... but it's a few years old now so I thought we could use an update?

Indulge me folks... I could do with a laugh!

These aren't mine, but I like them.

They say opposites attract. I hope you meet someone intelligent, good looking, and cultured.

It's not that I hate you, I just hope you get your period soon. In the ocean. Surrounded by sharks.

The best insults are really situation dependent though. It's hard to just come up with something witty with nothing to go on.

When a man grabbed hid crotch and said, " what would you love to do to this?" Response..." erm, plant it to see if it will grow."

Never mind that - since when did we have actual zombies to tell us the thread was old? I love the zombie
I am so behind with things on MN these days

A family friend was flashed late one evening at Manchester Piccadilly Station. She raised an eyebrow and said "If you can't show me anything better than that, I suggest you put it away". The chap slunk away. Result!

My hubby was telling me about some prozzy who was trying to chat him up in his lorry years ago and apparently he told her

"Listen hen, yev goat a face like a skelpt erse on an auld man, an am sure yer guid at whit ye dae bit ah jist dinny git ony enjoyment fi slingin sausage doon a close sideywiys"

Creased. He's lucky her pimp or whatever didn't give him a doing tho

Tall, elegant, clever Irish friend, being chatted up by ghastly yob in the pub when he suggests that she really wants him in her knickers. My friend's response: "no thank you, there's one cunt there already."

a word for word quote I heard from an old coworker who was having a lighthearted argument with another co worker:
"You're so dumb you'd fall in a box of nipples and come up sucking your thumb"

Last time I saw a face like that it was hanging out a poachers pocket.

My boss, years ago commenting on a former colleague who'd applied for a job - "I'm not working with him again, he suffers from delusions of adequacy".

Oh please, you're so full of shit you could easily pass for a 'well used' sigmoidoscope.

When I want to hear from an arsehole I'll fart.

Best part of you went down your mothers leg.

this one i heard locally:

man A was teasing man B about the latter's second-hand car.
I need to add here that man A is married to a woman who has been married before.
after man A finished teasing man B about his second hand car, man B replied: "I'd rather have a second-hand car than a second-hand wife" .

I'd rather shit in my hands and clap.

I regularly tell my dh not to be a cunt all his life and to have a day off. Although once ds is in bed, that word gets chucked around like nobody's business. We don't ever take offence to it.

Some of these are vile.

'Prozzy' really?

When I want to hear from an arsehole I'll fart.

I quite like that one.
(Sorry, nothing much to add myself but carry on...)

Yeh, he's a lorry mechanic but when we were really up shit creek financially he would take a couple weeks holidays and go tramping driving a rig. In Europe it's common for hookers to be in truck stops touting for business. Luckily we haven't been up shit creek for a while.

"Don't preach to me how she's let the family down with divorce, love- you might still be married, but you've had enough cock to make a handrail from here to China"

At a Xmas party- by my tipsy Grandad

(Not said to me!) I love him

My friend got heckled making a speech at a wedding. Heckler was trying to make him look like a twat. He stopped and said to heckler 'Ha ha, thanks for that....oh, by the way, you have something on your chin' doing a quick chin wipe gesture. When heckler went to rub his chin with all eyes on him my mate said 'no mate, not that chin, the other one'. The room cracked up.

I hate hate hate "shit in my hands and clap", it's grim.

"A face like a soft-boiled fart."

'You really are proof that stupid can't be cured eh?'
'Did my back hurt your knife?' From friends but good.
'So let me get this straight, when you go to the toilet is there any shit left or has it all left via your mouth?'
'Your mind shouldn't be out on its own eh?'
'Does that one brain cell not get lonely?'

"Honestly, I'd rather paint myself with a shitty stick."

On being flashed or, in these days, getting a cock photo after signing up with a DA :

1. That looks just like a penis. But smaller.

1. Eeh, pet, I'd just keep it for pissing with if I were you.

When confronted with verbal twattery: Did you mean to say that out loud?