To ask for the best put-down you've ever heard? (lighthearted)

[SniffsandSneezes]

So I recently revisited this frankly brilliant thread and have been chuckling away... but it's a few years old now so I thought we could use an update?

Indulge me folks... I could do with a laugh!

Your opinion is like my orgasm, once I've had mine I don't give a shit about yours.

hate hate hate "shit in my hands and clap", it's grim.

Horses for courses. I think it's fucking hilarious.

Fucking wish this place had an edit button.

DH showing BIL his new camera. DH points camera at BIL. BIL pulls his pockets inside out, then goes for his zip.

Me: Don't bother, it hasn't got a maco

I'd rather suck the Devil's cock, let him fuck me nine ways to Sunday and then birth the Antichrist.

We're not in the UK and it sounds better in the native tongue here, I reserve it for special occasions when I'm seething.

I stole this from Frasier but it worked beautifully.
Horrible, hopeless boss who had hadnt shown his face in the office for days, stormed in, launched into full rant about everyone and everything and ended up at my desk with "Is that clear?"
Cue perfectly timed pause, head tilt and me asking sweetly "...and you are?????".

Year 11 boy to me (TA):
If I wanted to commit suicide I'd jump from your ego to your IQ.

I read this somewhere recently.

I don't have the time or the crayons to explain this to you. ...

My ultimate put down is also the best ever user name I've seen on Mumsnet. Unfortunately it can usually only be used against women, but I still love it despite my solid feminist credentials.

It is IveGotTightsOlderThanYouLove

Oh, how I do sincerely wish I had thought of that when I first chose my moniker on here.

Annual report on an officer in the Army when they could write what they meant:

I understand Captain X comes from a rural background. He is depriving a village of its idiot

Not sure these are putdowns, more just offensive.

" you're so unpopular you have to tie sausages round your neck so the dog will play with you."

"Your so ugly even a dildo won't stay hard for you"

"You're so fat, last time you sun bathed on the beach, Green peace tried tonpish you back in the water"

"I'm sorry, but I think you have me confused with someone who actually gives a shit about what you think?"