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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to speak to the class leader about this ?

37 replies

Pixieduster79 · 05/10/2015 21:11

I'm not sure if I'm being a bit PFB and need some perspective (I suffer social anxiety and I find it very difficult to know how to react to situations).

PFB is 5; she goes to a tumble tots type class . There is a girl in this class who is a year older than dd.

We hardly know her but have talked to her parents a few times at the class as the girls seemed to play together .

It has become apparent that this girl is quite rough in her play and is starting to really get on my dds nerves - as well as mine .

She appears to have no social boundaries - she thinks nothing of trying to sit on my DH lap at the class , or wrapping her arms around my waist whilst her parents do nothing .

In yesterday's class , this girl physically hurt my dd on more than one occasion . I don't think she is being malicious - more over excited and far too rough .

In the space of 45 minutes , she "bopped" my dd on the top of the head hard , pushed her in to another child and grabbed her arm leaving a mark .

When this happens , my dd tells her to stop and the girl seems oblivious Confused

My dd is petite and I got really frustrated watching this today .

The issue is , as both girls are at the same stage , they can't be moved to different groups . As the girl is not being malicious as such and appears to be playing , I can't see it making any difference if the class teacher has a word - especially as she is not going to be able to watch all of the time .

I don't want to cause a fuss , but I also don't want to allow my dd to keep getting hurt Angry I could tell today , it is starting to bother her .

Dd has asked me to tell the class teacher . I said I would but explained that it won't be possible to be separated , but the teacher should keep an eye on it .

How should I approach it ? I'm friendly ish with the teacher - should I text her and mention it or wait until the next class and mention it or should I tell dd to tell the girl firmly to stop ?

Part of the problem is that dd is happy to play with the girl , but then it gets rough and the cycle is repeated .

I don't want my dd to think I won't protect her , but on the other hand , I don't want to cause a fuss over something that is unlikely to change , unless dd keeps away from this girl .

Help !

OP posts:
Releaseasongbird · 05/10/2015 21:13

This is what the 'gentle hands' refrain is for, isn't it? :)

PaulAnkaTheDog · 05/10/2015 21:15

Sorry but it sounds like normal behaviour for that age and you're being pfb.

Welshmaenad · 05/10/2015 21:20

I disagree, I don't think that is normal behaviour for this age at all, and you are right to want to address this to protect your DD.

I think a word with the teacher explaining that you don't think the girl is being malicious but thatcher is hurting and upsetting your dd and could she please keep an eye on things, would be perfectly reasonable.

RitaConnors · 05/10/2015 21:24

She does sound rough but some children are. It's tricky as your dd is enjoying it all to a point. Maybe you could teach your dd 'stop it I don't like it' like they do at school.

My dd was doing proper gymnastics at five so there must be alternatives to this group. Not that I think this little girls behaviour warrants you leaving the one you do now.

Senpai · 05/10/2015 21:26

She appears to have no social boundaries - she thinks nothing of trying to sit on my DH lap at the class , or wrapping her arms around my waist whilst her parents do nothing .

YABU. Kids at that age are clingy and hug random people all the time. So this doesn't indicate that she has no boundaries, just that she's a child who happens to irritate you.

In the space of 45 minutes , she "bopped" my dd on the top of the head hard , pushed her in to another child and grabbed her arm leaving a mark .

YANBU. Obviously. Children need to learn how to play gentle.

But, how does it escalate to this point? Is DD playing back and suddenly other child hits too hard? If that's the case DD is equally to blame. You can't get upset because the bigger one happens to escalate it first, next time it could very well be your DD. Tell DD to keep her hands to herself as well so that it doesn't get to that point, and let her know it's ok to set boundaries and not play with people that aren't treating them properly.

I'd have a word with the teacher about keep an eye so that she can give the child a calming activity when she starts to get hyper. It's good she know about this so it doesn't escalate.

But teach DD some problem solving skills as well. It's a good chance to teach her about boundaries and expecting respect for them.

Original poster
Pixieduster79 · 05/10/2015 21:30

I think the only resolution would be for us to change classes - but what does that teach my dd ?

Dd does other classes at time when this girl isn't there

I do think dd needs to be more firm with her . Or at least stop going back to play with her every time and letting this girl think her behaviour is ok .

Maybe I should just mention casually at the next class that dd prefers this class as xxx isn't there and she got hurt in the other session ?

Not complain as such , but make the leader aware of it ?

OP posts:
NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 05/10/2015 21:31

Wether or not it's normal behaviour there a child leaving marks on another child that indicates it's too rough I'm not sure how wanting to stop your child getting hurt is PFB.
I think a text is almost I want action now but a quite you may have missed it but ... I think will probably actually be appricated especially as your not expecting the child or your DD to be moved.

Also do tell your daughter that no stop please your hurting me/I really don't like it when you do that because the other girl as you say doesn't seem to have social skills so she might not understand she's upsetting her friend.
But yes things like gentle hands now and aww we keep our hands and feet to ourselves, are good warnings when things get a little too rough.

TimeToMuskUp · 05/10/2015 21:32

YANBU not wanting your DD to be hurt. If her parents aren't going to reprimand her I don't see that it'd be inappropriate for you to do that. I've reminded friends children to use kind hands or to leave my DCs alone, just as I've reminded my own.

Also, there's nothing wrong with teaching your DD to loudly say "don't do that" or "don't hit me" when she's had enough. Teaching her to protect her personal space and defend herself verbally has to be a positive thing.

fulldutypaid · 05/10/2015 21:33

What do they do at "tumble tots" ? Is it a general soft play area? Im not sure what you mean?

Original poster
Pixieduster79 · 05/10/2015 21:34

senpai none of the other children in the class hug each other randomly and my dd certainly wouldn't - but maybe this is more down to her personality . I accept maybe I may be reading more in to that than I should be .

The issues actually happen when they are waiting in a queue for their turn - on all 3 occasions , dd was just standing nicely waiting for her turn - this girls tends to come from behind and takes dd off guard .

OP posts:
fulldutypaid · 05/10/2015 21:35

Your DD doesnt need to be firmer if she's a gentle child. Maybe it's just not for her or you yet? if ever.

fulldutypaid · 05/10/2015 21:37

Some children are just more rough and tumble, especially if they have older siblings. Take her out of the class for now.

Original poster
Pixieduster79 · 05/10/2015 21:37

I will teach dd how to assert herself more and to move away .

Thank you for the guidance that the text may be a bit full on / wanting action now - it's these kind of things I find difficult to think through .

I'm very much a "act on my emotions" person - much to my detriment Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
Pixieduster79 · 05/10/2015 21:38

The class is definitely something my dd enjoys - she attends 4 times a week and only has issues with the class this girl is in .

It seems unfair to stop my dd doing the class because of this girl .

OP posts:
lampshady · 05/10/2015 21:38

Oh gosh. That's my DS.

I sit in with all classes and do A LOT of work with 'kind hands and gentle hands'.

He responds well to another child saying 'stop!' or 'i don't like it!' I've also taught him an arm's reach rule, so he doesn't get too close to people, maybe you could do the reverse so the other child doesn't get too close to your DD?

As a disclaimer, DS has ASD but I want him to enjoy all the activities that NT children can, it just comes with more micro management.

fulldutypaid · 05/10/2015 21:40

You cannot teach a child to be more assertive. I had a very gentle boy and everyone told me to "toughen him up" I certainly didnt. He did it in his own time.

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 05/10/2015 21:41

I think it might be a good idea if the leader knew so she could introduce something like we keep our hands and feet to ourselves while waiting our turn. Because while your daughter and other are waiting nicely, the other is maybe not.

Senpai · 05/10/2015 21:43

senpai none of the other children in the class hug each other randomly and my dd certainly wouldn't - but maybe this is more down to her personality . I accept maybe I may be reading more in to that than I should be .

Every time I've been around little kids that know me, I've had a few cling on like little tree frogs. She just knows you from class and sees you as familiar. My DD would never hug a stranger either, but she's shy and reserved. If she's still doing it at 7 or 8 it might be a bit odd.

The issues actually happen when they are waiting in a queue for their turn - on all 3 occasions , dd was just standing nicely waiting for her turn - this girls tends to come from behind and takes dd off guard .

Would it be horrible to tell her it's ok to push or hit back, so she doesn't feel so helpless? If she knows she's allowed to stand up for herself, it might make her more confident to do it verbally. Or it might make the girl stop if she knows she'll get it back. But right now there's no consequences to her actions.

fulldutypaid · 05/10/2015 21:45

Ok, so now I know what you mean. The other child does seem a bit without boundaries and Im not sure why she hasn't been shadowed by now to calm her behavour down. Definitely have a word.

fulldutypaid · 05/10/2015 21:48

Not sure telling the child to push the other one is the right thing to do really Confused The group leader or whoever should have the other child shadowed and corrected.

tryhard · 05/10/2015 21:53

You can't teach a child to be assertive?! Sorry you absolutely need to arm your child with phrases so that she feels empowered to protect her physical boundaries, and while she learns this you also need to step in for her. She needs to be comfortable with sayin, and saying it loudly 'stop that's hurts' 'stop that's too rough' and if it persists, you go over & say 'that's too rough, calm down please.' I don't mean to rant but I think it's crucial girls are taught from a very young age how to protect their physical boundaries, and that you've got her back. Don't dismiss it as some kids are like this and she'll just have to put up with it because she likes the kid and enjoys the class, would you put up with it? Why should she have to it up with it? Its is not PFB at all.

gandalf456 · 05/10/2015 21:53

Yanbu to mention it or to gently pull the girl up on her behaviour if she gets too much for you or your DD. It might prompt her parents to react, it might not.I found that you do meet children like this from time to time and we do meet parents who don't find the behaviour as much of a problem as we do. It's all good fun! Mistakes I have made in the past,however, were getting too worked up by other people's children. If I could go back, I would have chilled out more. Some of DD friends, who were impossible when they were younger, turned out to be quite nice little girls in the end so it's not worth making a meal of it really, though I fully understand how irritating it is

fulldutypaid · 05/10/2015 22:59

I disagree. A gentle child should not be taught to "fight back" to "buck up". Gentle is as gentle does. They will learn in their own time. I had a very gentle boy, I loved how gentle he was. I never asserted it out of him. He is now 17 and thinking about going into the police force. He is still non aggressive but took up martial arts then boxing so can certainly handle his gentle self Grin

tryhard · 06/10/2015 07:23

Assertive is not aggressive, that's where it can go wrong for a lot of girls, you can assert your boundaries without shouting, getting physical back etc. My point is we shouldn't be telling girls, it's fine, put up with it, play along because it's not fine.

PerspicaciaTick · 06/10/2015 07:38

Ask the leader to remind the whole class about being gentle. If they are all school age then they will be used to that sort of rule, may be reinforced with a brief "sit on the side until you calm down". It doesn't need to be aimed at any one child in particular.

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