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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When a favour isn't actually a favour...

57 replies

Loopylala7 · 04/10/2015 22:01

When you have a routine, then someone steps in and 'kindly' offers to help, only the help is more of a hindrance, but the person is so adamant they are being helpful, you are almost forced to take up the offer...Wine

OP posts:
Hypotenuse · 04/10/2015 22:43

There's nothing quite as annoying than feeling beholden to a favour you don't even benefit from or need.

My husband and his mother are bad at this, husband is always offering to fetch me things or do something when I'm nursing the baby and he then waits until I'm stuck and then Fannys about taking forever to actually do it.

MIL cooks a nice dinner but then we must stand in the kitchen watching her dish up each plate individually, commenting on what piece of what dish we want (everybody obviously just takes a piece of everything!) and the. We are presented with plate to sit at the table for another ten minutes waiting for everyone else to appear and the entire thing feels forced and uncomfortable. Nice dinner, bad execution, feel beholden and also slightly miffed at the obvious grand show to ensure we feel beholden.

Only1scoop · 04/10/2015 22:44

Agree black and jux

Otherwise you have to be eternally grateful for the childcare she is providing and be happy to book the leave.

At least she's organised and giving you lists she can't do.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 04/10/2015 22:44

Meh to your DH. It's not his decision to make if you're the one who sorts out all the short-falls. Tell him he can either agree to the full fee or he can cover the days that his mother can't, you are opting out of this problem.

Original poster
Loopylala7 · 04/10/2015 22:46

Wish I could but DH wouldn't agree. We had to before as we had no help, but as its now being offered he wouldn't agree as we are far from wealthy and nursery isn't cheap. Will just have to get on and quit moaning! Hey anyone else have glory helpers in there lives?!

OP posts:
ProcessYellowC · 04/10/2015 22:47

Oh totally different, but someone insisting that they give you a lift because you cannot possibly fend for yourself on public transport, to then be dropped off somewhere far less convenient than your perfectly-planned public transport option.

It often isn't a simple case of politely turning these people down, often they will not take no for an answer, so where I suspect one of these lifts are going to go pear-shaped I have to forcefully walk away smiling through gritted teeth making up random crap excuses. Once the real reason was because I was bursting for a p*ss and knew I could go on the train but she wouldn't be so please if I did in her car...

Bullshitbingo · 04/10/2015 22:58

Yep, my mil, likes to do us a particular favour that we don't need, just because she likes to impress upon other friends and family how much we need her.

She also likes to moan about it behind our backs, but won't let me refuse this 'favour'. I've made my peace with it now, I figure her punishment is having to do this favour for us that she obviously doesn't enjoy. We don't need it, but fuck it, if she wants to play the martyr, who am I to stand in her way!

mellicauli · 04/10/2015 23:07

Be careful - it so easy for all your annual leave to become drudgery. Befor you know it you'll be sitting watching CBeebies on a drizzly November day your MiL "can't do" when you'd have rather had a day at the zoo in the summer. Cooking and cleaning for the family at Christmas. Staying at home when your child gets the usual childhood illnesses. What about you and your needs?

If your husband insists on this stupid set up, tell him that he will be picking up any slack from your Mother In Law on the days she can't make it and that you will not get involved in any arrangements (ie pick up/drop off). It is his Mother after all.

JapaneseSlipper · 04/10/2015 23:08

Process my pet lift-related unwanted favour is when the driving is so terrifying that you wish you'd walked. I remember one journey when my colleague was barrelling down the M25, in the rain, and kept turning her head to talk to me. I knew she would be seriously unimpressed if I asked her to keep her eyes on the road, so I just stared straight ahead fixedly and hoped to survive the journey.

IsItMeOr · 04/10/2015 23:13

YABU to expect sympathy really, when you are essentially being a doormat to your DH and his mum. I agree with the other posters who say keep the nursery places and let MIL have the kids once in a while.

ProcessYellowC · 04/10/2015 23:14

Oh yes, the terrifying drivers JapaneseSlipper - recently travelled with my colleague to discover not only did he have to turn round to talk not just to me in the passenger seat but another colleague in the back, but also really couldn't stop himself from gesticulating frequently, requiring both hands off the wheel...

Canyouforgiveher · 04/10/2015 23:16

Very unfair on you OP. Every single time his mother bails from the one day a week, call your husband and ask him to take annual leave. Every time. If he doesn't tell him that this is why you wanted to keep the place as you are now stuck taking leave you wouldn't have had to if she hadn't offered this "favour". Every time.

unlucky83 · 04/10/2015 23:52

DP used to be good at this ...more hindrance than help - until I did some straight talking Wink
He would cook dinner for the DCs and I. Usually something like Roast chicken. First he would use every pan/implement in the kitchen - they wouldn't all fit in the dishwasher -so he would leave them piled up waiting - when I said this wasn't really on he started hand washing things and piling them on the draining board...air drying (waiting for the fairies to put them away)
Then he would either serve up with no warning - so we were all supposed to drop everything and instantly come running - if the DCs complained they were wanted to watch the end of a TV program or something it would be my job to get them to stop...or calm the resulting conflict. And then sit at the table waiting for him to dish up (incredibly slowly) and make appreciative noises and thank him profusely at the end...
Or he would be waiting for one thing (say the chicken) ...and then start doing something else and say to me - can you just dish up? Everything is ready - you just need to make gravy (instant) and oh and reheat the vegetables...and lay the table...
Or he would make something the DCs didn't like (Roast beef) and then leave me to persuade the DCs to actually eat any of it ...
And all I could think is I could have got a one of my batch cooked things out of the freezer and in front of DCs with minimal washing/tidying up, they would have eaten it with no fuss and I would have given everyone a warning that dinner was ready in 10 mins so they could either finish off what they were doing - or asked if it could be delayed a bit ...no conflict.

lostInTheWash · 05/10/2015 07:24

Yep - including this one

but someone insisting that they give you a lift because you cannot possibly fend for yourself on public transport, to then be dropped off somewhere far less convenient than your perfectly-planned public transport option.

I've been left in places I didn't bloody know trying then to work out a journey together on the hop sometimes with limited information and occasionally with young DC to distract and feed.

Okay OP - your DH isn't going to agree to nursery or that this isn't a favour because it isn't affecting him directly.

You are going to use all your leave up making this favour work.

I suggest you make it his problem. You can't take leave - he's insisted the nursery is cancelled and his mother is letting you down regularly he find a solution not you.

I also suspect this favour means when you do get stuck both working there won't be any help as MIL is already doing so much for you.

lostInTheWash · 05/10/2015 07:27

Oh and work out how to turn the favours down as I don't this will be the last situation otherwise.

InimitableJeeves · 05/10/2015 07:35

Can't you and your DH get together to talk to MIL about the problems this is causing? She needs to know that you can't keep taking leave every time she is otherwise engaged, so if she can't commit to having them on a specified day every week then the arrangement doesn't work and will need to be cancelled.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 05/10/2015 07:42

If you always use your holiday to cover illness, then he has to use his holiday for the days that you know in advance that his mother won't do. I don't care that he finds it easier for you to do it. You both have limited holidays and if all of yours are taken up with ad hoc childcare then when do you have a break?

mummytime · 05/10/2015 07:50

You need to make this your DH's problem.

So sit down to discuss the dates with him. And ask him which ones he is going to cover? (I don't care if it's easier for you, he is forcing the taking them out of nursery.)
If he says he can't do it, then ask if he's going to cover days the children are ill then?

Basically get him to see the problem, and that MIL's offer doesn't really help. Get him to offer solutions.

mummytime · 05/10/2015 07:50

You need to make this your DH's problem.

So sit down to discuss the dates with him. And ask him which ones he is going to cover? (I don't care if it's easier for you, he is forcing the taking them out of nursery.)
If he says he can't do it, then ask if he's going to cover days the children are ill then?

Basically get him to see the problem, and that MIL's offer doesn't really help. Get him to offer solutions.

shiteforbrains · 05/10/2015 07:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IsItMeOr · 05/10/2015 09:02

shite I agree with everything you say apart from charging MIL for un-used nursery fees. That's not on imo.

MinecraftWonder · 05/10/2015 09:22

YANBU op at all.

When ds1 was a year and I was going back to work, my parents offered to have him (argued to have him I should say). We needed cc for three days a week.

We talked about it for weeks, I did several checks of 'are you sure', 'it's a lot to take on' etc - they were adamant and we were very grateful.

BUT, in practice it was very different. It was always thought of by them as them doing us a favour. They were 90% reliable, but if there was the odd two days they couldn't do that 'favour' then they didn't feel bad about giving us a weeks notice that they couldn't have ds next Monday and Tuesday for instance.

Which dropped us in the shit on a regular, if unfrequent, basis. He wasn't registered with any nursery or cm so we had no back up when this happened, and we'd have to take AL or call in sick.

After about 18 months, my mum dropped on us that she'd be unavailable for a week in November - with a fortnights notice, but by that point we didn't have enough AL left to cover it. DH works in retail, it is much more inconvenient for him to be off work at that time of year than me, so I ended up calling in sick for a week as I had no other option, and had a bollocking when I went back.

In the New Year I sat down with my parents and had the 'i'm really, really grateful but if you want to continue you need to be 100% reliable' conversation. Awkward. It turned into an argument, they couldn't see my pov at all.

It ended in us not speaking for 2 months and ds1 starting at a cm. 5 years later, it's behind us, but the dc going to a cm is the unspoken elephant in the room and I know that my mum still harbours some resentment about it and sees it as an ungrateful slap in the face from us.

I would never, ever use family as regular childcare again though because it's a bloody minefield.

TheCatsMother99 · 05/10/2015 09:30

My MIL offers to help with certain things and just won't take no for an answer.

They're things that are technically nice things to do so I sound like a complete cow moaning about it but I really do find it frustrating when, for example, she comes to my house when I'm not here and does washing up, then puts things away in weird places so I really have to hunt to find them again or when she randomly does us a supermarket shop and buys loads of food we don't like to eat, won't take it back and we end up having to throw it away as it goes out of date because it just sits there (more often than not can't be frozen as freezer is already full of food she's previously brought over that we don't eat). She also buys my DH clothes that are not his style at all & end up going straight to the charity shop.

I'm still not sure why she does it, we aren't hard up at all, she just won't take no for an answer and as it's technically a nice thing to do we can only say no in a certain way so as not to hurt her feelings but it's just so wasteful!!!!

liquidrevolution · 05/10/2015 11:21

I feel for you. You really need to talk this through with your DH. perhaps if you offered to have those days off unpaid he will realise the finacial impact.

My DD is at nursery and childminders. My parents live far away (4.5 hours in a car), PILs live 10 mins away. ILs are supposed to be the emergency cover for illness etc but they are never there so my parents have to come and look after DD.

This includes one memorable week where the PILs were about to go away when DD fell ill and I couldnt get the time off work. They didnt want to delay getting to their holiday home on the coast which is vacant all year and where they do nothing but sit and watch tv all week so my DM had to catch a train at 4am to get to my house so I could go into work in time for a meetingHmm.

And yet I had to thank the PILs profusely when they had DD for a hour so I could go to the doctors. It would have been easier and no problem to take DD with me but DH insisted we ask them. He even made me buy them some flowers and a thank you card Sad Hmm.

So... I have started using DHs bankcard to send very large bouquets and magnums of champagne to my mum whenever she steps up to help...fairs fair and all that Grin

Jackie0 · 05/10/2015 11:36

Glory helpers Grin

CrapBag · 05/10/2015 11:45

Sorry but you should be telling your DH that this isn't going to work and your DC will be going back into professional childcare due to the constraints put on this 'favour' after you removed your DC from nursery.

This has nothing to do with your MIL doing you a favour, this was about what she wanted to do.

I wouldn't want to waste precious annual leave when it could be taken for sickness and holidays that you want, not when the caregiver doesn't want to do it.