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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu not to tell him I'm pregnant?

32 replies

namechangingcosyolo · 04/10/2015 15:08

This is going to be long and boring and I may get flamed but I am so desperate, skip to bottom if you're not interested in the backstory.

I'd been chatting online to a nice bloke for a couple of months (there's a big age difference, I'm 18 and I accept that I'm also an idiot.) We saw each other a few times, talked late every night, we talked about how to regularly see each other, Christmas plans and all that jazz. He told me how amazing I am and how we ~emotionally connected~. Idiot self agreed to unprotected sex because I am on the pill which has served me well for a long time but has chosen the most inconvenient time to fail. When I told him I suspected I was pregnant, he told me not to be daft.
The first time we saw each other, I got some abusive tweets/facebook messages off someone claiming to be his girlfriend, he showed me texts saying they'd broken up a while ago over something petty and their relationship had been a standing joke for a while and he hadn't thought to mention her. This continued and he told me to ignore it, so I did. Obviously upsetting but I believed him. There was a few incidents with her acting oddly including breaking things in his house in a temper.
The last time we talked, I had stayed at his house overnight, he stayed in bed late for a cuddle and left me a key so I could sleep later and let myself out. We planned our next sleepover, and then he stopped answering. I waited for a message for a couple of days, only to find out that I had been blocked on all the ways I had to contact him, cue drunken crying in Wetherspoons. I posted a note through his door asking for an explanation as everything had seemed fine prior to this. I got back a message from his girlfriend telling me I'd just been a quick shag, he didn't want me, don't come to the house again etc.

TL/DR
Blood tests confirmed pregnancy, I suspect the father doesn't want to know, should I attempt to let him know? I don't think I want to carry on with the pregnancy but everyone seems to be telling me he has a right to know.

OP posts:
definiteissues · 04/10/2015 15:11

If you don't carry on with the pregnancy then no, you don't have to tell him.
If you do continue with it and have the baby then he has every right to know, so you should tell him

Oysterbabe · 04/10/2015 15:12

If you're terminating there's no need to tell him.

YouCantBeSadHoldingACupcake · 04/10/2015 15:12

If you choose not to carry on with the pregnancy I think telling him will only get you more grief from the girlfriend so personally I wouldn't. If you change your mind and continue the pregnancy then he will have to be told

expatinscotland · 04/10/2015 15:14

Don't tell him if you are terminating.

GreatFuckability · 04/10/2015 15:14

If you choose to end the pregnancy, then no you don't need to tell him. But if you do continue he needs to know. I'm sorry this is happening to you OP.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 04/10/2015 15:15

Agree with others, you don't need to tell him if you are having a termination. However, I really hope you have someone to support you through this in real life, and don't call yourself an idiot - accidental pregnancy and bad boyfriends happen. It's just crap it happened at the same time for you Flowers.

SockQueen · 04/10/2015 15:15

If you're getting a termination, don't bother to tell him - I doubt he'd do anything about it even if you did get through to him. No need to contact him ever again, he sounds crap.

And get an STI test.

carelesswhisper1987 · 04/10/2015 15:17

Oh love you are not an idiot, these things do happen.

I agree with others - if you are having a termination don't tell him. I hope you have some support in real life Flowers

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/10/2015 15:17

Of course you don't have to tell him.

In the future, condom and pill until you know he's a keeper (and he has had some tests). I apologise for sounding like my mother.

Tootsiepops · 04/10/2015 15:17

Personally, I would still tell even if terminating, but there's no right or wrong here.

I'm sorry you've been treated so badly Flowers

Original poster
namechangingcosyolo · 04/10/2015 15:19

Thank you all for being my wise internet Wetherspoons advice givers :)

OP posts:
MagicMojito · 04/10/2015 15:19

So sorry OP they both sound like dicks who thoroughly deserve each other Flowers

I agree with pp that there is no need to tell him anything that includes even if you decide to continue the pregnancy

Best of luck.

ImperialBlether · 04/10/2015 15:20

Why would you tell this abusive older man that you were pregnant if you were planning not to keep the baby, Tootsie?

OP, in your position I would have a termination. You are so young and this man is not someone you need in your life.

scatterthenuns · 04/10/2015 15:21

I wouldn't tell him. Best of luck to you Flowers

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 04/10/2015 15:23

He doesn't have a right to know anything, and if you don't intend to continue with the pregnancy what on earth would be the point in telling him anyway?

Original poster
namechangingcosyolo · 04/10/2015 15:23

I'm a student, plus growing up without a father makes me think it's best not to carry on but even though I'm aggressively pro-choice I suddenly feel very guilty because I never thought this would happen to me

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 04/10/2015 15:29

Who is everybody and why on earth do they think he has any rights to any information at all?

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 04/10/2015 15:33

I was a student when it happened to me - in fact quite a bit is similar. Was seeing an older bloke (no abusive ex, but he was a bit controlling), didn't think 'it would happen to me', had a lot of conflict about raising a child by a man who wouldn't be a constant presence. I chose to terminate because I had to be 'selfish' at that point int my life. I couldn't give a child anything I'd want to at that point - I personally didn't want to end up like my mother, there was always a air of resentment about being a single parent (she had also gotten herself pregnant by an older man - it's like they're all super fertile or something!).

If you had this baby, you'd manage, but don't feel badly about saying 'now isn't the right time'. I know it doesn't take away from the difficulty of the choice, but I think you know what you really want to do about it. Just trust yourself, everything else will work out in the end.

MagicMojito · 04/10/2015 15:40

Don't feel guilty. I'm vehemently pro choice but couldn't face an abortion myself. Luckily it all worked out well for me/my family unit, but for lots of woman it goes the other way Sad

You need to do what's best for you and your own circumstances.

mileend2bermondsey · 04/10/2015 15:42

OP I have PM'd you Flowers

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 04/10/2015 15:44

When you're 18 you think it won't happen to me. I remember that feeling well! So don't beat yourself up about it too much.

Please put thoughts of this man aside and concentrate on the decision you have to make. Make it for yourself, knowing he won't be there for you either way. Put any romantic notions of him coming back out of your head coz he isn't going to, not at a scan, not at the birth and not when there's a baby. Definitely not when he realises babies are HARD work: exhausting, expensive, life-changing.

How many weeks along are you? If you want a termination then the earlier you do it the less traumatic it will be.

Jeffreythegiraffe · 04/10/2015 15:44

Do whatever is right you. But if you're going to terminate then there's no need to tell him. Make sure you get some support round you though. BPAS are quite helpful to talk to. Get an STI check too. These things happen, look after yourself.

Original poster
namechangingcosyolo · 04/10/2015 15:58

I'm crying from the relief of not being told I'm in the wrong, thank you all so much

OP posts:
mummble · 04/10/2015 15:59

Poor you. Be kind to yourself and don't give two hoots for this jerk.

PacificMouse · 04/10/2015 16:05

Be kind to yourself. He played you and will clearly not want to be involved either way (and tbh I would NOT want him involved either!)

If you chose to have a termination, then so be it. I'm sure this will be a thoughtful decision based on what will be based for you and whether to could give to that child what it needs.
Do you have some support in RL? Friends? Family?
((Hugs))