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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we will always be judged

30 replies

Dollymixtureyumyum · 04/10/2015 13:05

Hi just want to ask this question really, before posting a few weeks ago I was a long time lurker and on certain threads usually about toddler groups the phrase "deprived areas or "mums from the estates"
The reason I mention this is we live on a half council half owned estate and our house is an ex council house. We have never had any issues with the area but whenever I mention we live there i either get a pity hmmmmm or a visible recoil, unless its people who have lived or know people who live there and know its actually ok, it used to be a not rough but is now actually pretty great, I have this on the authority of some of the older residents.
I have epilesy so can only afford to work part time and even though my DH us full time we would struggle to move.
I am just worried that we and our DS will forever be judged on where we live, I have had even had some people say you need to move for DS sake
Just wondering really if you would judge someone on were they live really and maybe avoid your child becoming friends with a another child from a so called bad area.

OP posts:
Francoitalialan · 04/10/2015 13:08

No, but then I'm not a twat. Flowers

EatShitDerek · 04/10/2015 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissMarpleCat · 04/10/2015 13:12

Being judged on where you live had been going on for years. It says more abouth the person doing the 'judging' than the person who lives in a particular area.

MissMarpleCat · 04/10/2015 13:14

I appologise for all the typos, please don't judge me as a terrible speller, I'm on my phone on a bus Grin

mrstweefromtweesville · 04/10/2015 13:15

Met someone from what's thought of locally as a 'rough' area. Nicest, most respectable, hardworking, right-thinking young woman you could wish to meet. Ambitious, determined and successful. Her mum brought her up well (with love and genuine interest) and she fits in anywhere. Just carry on being you, OP, it will be fine.

Original poster
Dollymixtureyumyum · 04/10/2015 13:17

It never bothered me before but now we have DS I don't want him to grow up with the negativity over where he lives. Now I am sounding like a snob

OP posts:
museumum · 04/10/2015 13:18

I'm not sure that the recoil is judgement so much as worry. If an estate has a bad reputation then people will be worried for you and your ds. Worried you might not be safe and your ds will be led into trouble.
However if you know it's not like that now then you need to just say that. Be honest, just say to people that it's changed since the times they'll have heard bad stories about.
People won't learn that it's changed unless people tell them.

Bailey101 · 04/10/2015 13:19

My home's an ex council, most of my neighbours are council but I love where I live. People have the same judgey face when they find out where I live, but I know that I work hard, as do you and your DH, and living in a cheaper neighbourhood gives me a better quality of life then if I had massive mortgage payments from buying in a 'posh' neighbourhood.

People round my part are a proper community and I value that over having the right address - fuck anyone who thinks differently Grin

Nataleejah · 04/10/2015 13:20

Don't worry. You wouldn't want to know them either. Usually thone judgy types are very insecure about themselves.
Also choosing your home has certain ups and downs. There are people who chose to live in naice areas yet can't afford anything else, there are otherswho would choose a poorer area and have nicer things, like holidays.

WorraLiberty · 04/10/2015 13:25

Blimey OP, the same could go for anything.

People are judged for...

Where they live
Where they work
What they look like
Being fat
Being skinny
Having tattoos
Being religious
Being atheist
Wearing make-up
Not wearing make-up
Shaving body hair
Not shaving body hair
Their accents
Their dress sense
What newspaper they read
Having a toilet brush (Mumsnet only)

The list is so endless, I'm worn out thinking about it Grin

Let them judge. Just make it clear you're not in the least bit interested in their verdict.

Perugia · 04/10/2015 13:44

We bought and ex-council house. I love it and couldn't give a hoot what anyone else thinks. In fact if anyone ever recoils when I mention where we live I'll know not to bother with them.

I'm continually amazed at the things people will sneer over. Fuck that shit.

Perugia · 04/10/2015 13:47

Also people can be stuck up about ex-council all they like but there is no denying the houses are well built and roomy, big gardens and not too close together so nobody peering in at you

Puts some of the new-builds we looked at to shame, especially for the price!

Janeymoo50 · 04/10/2015 13:49

We live in an ex council house, it was cheaper than others of the same size in private estates. It's a lovely flat, massive garden etc but it isn't the "prettiest" house (if that makes sense) because I honestly think when they built them they gave little or no thought to that. Half our neighbours are social housing tenants, others own. What gets me is the neighbours opposite who own a house that was built privately some years after ours (and their house is far more attractive looks wise I agree), look down their noses at us living in the council houses (plus they made a comment to one of the neighbours - that we get on really well with - about the two Lezzas living at number 34 but that's a whole other thread in itself). It seems like there is an assumption we don't own it or pay a mortgage or work even, despite him seeing us leave home every morning at 6.45 to get to work.

80schild · 04/10/2015 13:54

I am sure there are people that judge and I have seen the attitude at work around where I live (it is quite a mixed area). I don't get involved in this kind of rubbish though - the only legitimate thing to judge people on is by whether they are a nice person or not.

usual · 04/10/2015 13:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaisieDotes · 04/10/2015 14:07

We live in what I think is a pretty nice area but DD (14) has told me that she's been on the receiving end of a few "comments" about it from girls at school.

Tuppence looking down on a ha'penny as my grandmother would have said!

WorraLiberty · 04/10/2015 14:14

Yet they wouldn't live on a council estate if you paid them

Unless they became bankrupt/divorced/too ill to work.

I've seen shit loads of humble pie eaten by some people over the years Wink

Topseyt · 04/10/2015 14:16

People judge others on pretty much anything at all.

It should make no difference where you live. You chose a good house, made a good decision and are happy there. People who look down on you for that are very shallow and not really friends IMHO.

The only opinions which matter are yours and those of anyone living there with you.

bettyberry · 04/10/2015 14:22

I swear my DCs birthday was a fail because of my postcode. Stuck up snooty mums who think I was just a 'career single mum'.

Its split 50/50 here too. With a good mix of property types (2-3 bed houses, 1-3 bed flats and retirement bungalows) so its not limited to one group - big families, couples or elderly iyswim.

I love it esp for the fact, although I live on an estate I have protected woodland right on my doorstep. You don't get that buying an overpriced Victorian town house that are a pain in the arse to keep warm with a postage stamp garden and neighbours so close you can hear them breathe ;)

People do make assumptions if you live on an estate. Everything from your marital status and the number of fathers your children have, level of education, whether you claim benefits and if you do the assumption you don't deserve them or are fiddling the DWP Hmm

The week I moved in my own neighbour made a judgement about me because I was single and had a baby. Assumed I just did it to get a house and they are the social housing tennants!

I think what it is is people feel miffed If they think they are missing out - why they judge you - A kind of jealousy maybe even envy because you have something they feel they deserve. Its daft because you are working just as hard as they are usually with more difficult circumstances or a more difficult start (usual reason for getting social housing) and are just doing your absolute best to get on in life just as they are. But cash/earnings/money are relative. If you have more you spend more and feel just as poor as those working just as hard in low paid work so the resentment towards poorer folk is magnified because they should feel richer but they dont and because of that they feel they too should be given a 'break' even though they have had it and they cant see it.

Anyway, rambling thoughts on it again! but yes, people will always judge you no matter what walk of life you are in. rich, poor, educated or not. Its shit.

sproketmx · 04/10/2015 14:27

Yeh they probably will but teach him as he grows up not to give a fuck about the pearl clutchers. None of us real rough anes from the estates do.

sleeponeday · 04/10/2015 14:51

People always judge on all sorts of things. Women, black people, poor people, disabled people... DS is a very bright, kind, tall, white boy, who as far as we can tell (longstanding crush on a little girl) is straight. But he also has high functioning autism, and will spend his life with the bigotry people have for autism at his heels. An autistic person is seen as annoying, lacking empathy, selfish. All utter bullshit in my experience of DS, in fact he finds a great deal NT people do irritating and hides it, is very well mannered and incredibly kind, but I come across comments about arseholes or abusive people of, "are you sure s/he isn't autistic?" quite commonly, and "are you fucking autistic?" is an insult kids now level at others when wanting to imply a complete lack of brains and/or social graces. Rather like "that's fucking gay", or "don't be such a fucking vagina" are, in fact.

It's an odd thing, but people who would be appalled by open racism will overlook sexist comments, and make disgustingly ablelist ones while happily calling people "chavs". All we can do is bring our kids up to understand that the labels say a great deal more about the person using them than they do the person to whom they are applied. We can't change the world, but we can try to build resilience in our kids against it.

I do sympathise a lot. It's hard.

sleeponeday · 04/10/2015 14:52

Sorry, wasn't clear - IMO prejudice based on money (which is what is at stake here, let's be realistic) is just as much bigotry as any other.

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 04/10/2015 16:38

Everyone judges someone else about something.

You just have ignore it and get on with your life or you'll go mad.

dodobookends · 04/10/2015 17:19

Some people are snobs who enjoy looking down their noses at other people.

The80sweregreat · 04/10/2015 17:38

I can sympathise.
Worra above has hit the nail on the head. We are judged each and every day and it always will be so. Try to ignore, but its easier said than done i know.
Glad lots of others on here say the same too. Gives me hope!