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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed with my mum?

48 replies

Eveysdad · 03/10/2015 17:02

Short story: we want to move near the seaside with our 2.5 yo DD. We've told my mum and instead of being supportive, happy or even excited that she would have somewhere to come on holiday etc. She's gone the other way, claiming to be devastated, turning on the guilt trips, getting upset and cutting visits with DD short if our move is mentioned.

I know she's my mum, I know she'll miss DD but we're only going to move 120miles away, 2.5 hours by car.
I feel like she's being a selfish * < insert whatever insult you see fit.

So AIBU getting annoyed and feeling like telling her to pull her head out her ass?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 03/10/2015 17:04

Sounds like she is struggling with the idea of you moving so far away. As tough as it is I would cut her some slack.

JustTheOneThanks · 03/10/2015 17:08

It is disappointing for you that she isn't sharing your feelings but take a step back for a second.

She will miss your DD a lot I should imagine. 120 miles can seem a lifetime away! How would you feel if in 20 years your own DD had a child then announced she was moving 2.5 hours away?

Just take a second thats all Smile

caravanista13 · 03/10/2015 17:10

I understand that her response isn't helpful, and I would try very hard in that situation, to be pleased for my DD AND DGC. However, I would be very sad if my family moved that far away. 120 miles is a long way and will become increasingly difficult as your DM gets older.

Narp · 03/10/2015 17:11

My response would very much depend on what she's like normally.

mrstweefromtweesville · 03/10/2015 17:14

Are you ready? Because when she gets over the shock she'll start building a life that doesn't have you in it. She'll have to, she can't sit around waiting for you to condescend to contact her, throw her a crumb of your attention. You won't be central to her life, you'll be peripheral. Her neighbours, bridge club, whatever, will be of more practical importance. When you're sitting by the sea and thinking 'My mum doesn't care about me!' remember, you made that decision, not her. Your choice.

Narp · 03/10/2015 17:14

Blimey

AdjustableWench · 03/10/2015 17:17

Since when does your mum have a say in where you live?

Purplepoodle · 03/10/2015 17:18

if she sees you and her gd in a daily basis then it's natural she's going to be devastated. it's a huge change, as mrstwee said she won't be a huge part of your lives, no regular baby sitting, lunches out, pick up from school ect - if she is this type of granny.

Flingingmelon · 03/10/2015 17:19

I think people have very different attitudes regarding 2 1/2 hour journeys. In my house it's not a big deal, but we aren't physically close to our families. In my sisters house it's too far. She lives down the road from her family. We both think the other one is a bit mad!

Narp · 03/10/2015 17:20

Can you tell us a bit more, OP? Is this the first time she's got upset in this way with you?

Otherwise you are going to get extreme reactions from both perspectives

Justbatteringon · 03/10/2015 17:24

My dm lives 90 miles away her choice and she moved before I had kids and she misses so much that goes on with her gc and would move back if my Dsis would move.
I'm not surprised your DM is unhappy. I feel a little sorry for her TBH.

Original poster
Eveysdad · 03/10/2015 17:28

Background:

Probably important:
She sees us and DD once a week for an hour. It would probably be more but we're not close. She abandoned me when I was 6 and I was raised by my dad, she moved an hour away with my brothers and her new partner. < I'm now in my late 30s but I think this may have affected me quite a lot.

Less important:
She's very good at guilt tripping both me and my brothers. If, for example, we call her and say were not going to be in for her weekly visit because something else has come up I can guarantee that there will be something on FB to the tone of "feeling less important everyday" etc.

Even less important:
She doesn't babysit or anything like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Eveysdad · 03/10/2015 17:29

Also Mrstwee, I MA not central to my moms life, naver have been, never will be.

OP posts:
BelindaBagwash · 03/10/2015 17:29

I remember when we said we were moving away, my MiL said she would cut us out of her will.

Narp · 03/10/2015 17:31

Ah, OK. Then I completely understand why you resent her manipulating you.

pigsDOfly · 03/10/2015 17:34

Well as the mother of adult DCs and grandmother of one small DGD I agree with the OP.

What a sad life her DM must have if she can't accept her DD has grown up and needs to make a life for herself and her own family.

OP's DM should be building a life for herself Mrstwee. It's not healthy to live for, and through your children. And there should be no reason, if OP's DM is in full health, why an independent life cannot include visits to her DD 120 miles away.

All the guilt tripping and emotional blackmail is very childish and unpleasant. Why can she be happy to see her daughter making a good life for herself and her family.

Having said that maybe give her a bit more time to adjust to the idea OP before getting angry with her and having a row about it.

DriveMeMad · 03/10/2015 17:35

YANBU.

My DM has gout tripped me over various things over the years and it's totally tainted whatever it was I wanted to do.

I have vowed to smile and say nothing but "wow, that sounds great, you go girl, I will miss you but you will have an amazing time and I'm so proud of you for creating this opportunity for yourself" when either of my DDs decide to move/travel/go somewhere when they are grown-ups.

Sounds like, unfortunately, you won't miss out on much by moving further away from her....

mrstweefromtweesville · 03/10/2015 17:35

She abandoned me when I was 6 and I was raised by my dad, she moved an hour away with my brothers and her new partner
Also Mrstwee, I MA not central to my moms life, naver have been, never will be
Then she doesn't have a leg to stand on. Leave her.

pigsDOfly · 03/10/2015 17:36

Ah, just read you update OP - must type faster - in that case she's sounds bloody unreasonable.

Original poster
Eveysdad · 03/10/2015 17:41

Well I mentioned it as a possibility about 4 months ago, seems she believed it was "never going to happen" as plans are forming up, the emotion pressure begins.

It's partly because the town we live in is small and dying. Theres no work, schools are awful, no Universities, town centre is full of closed shops or charity shops etc. We want to move to a nicer town, more work, nearer unis and near better schools etc. But I also don't want to strain my daughters and her grandma's relationship. Honestly? My relationship with my mum barely comes into it but I believe every child should have a relationship with their elder family members.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/10/2015 17:54

"I believe every child should have a relationship with their elder family members"

Not all elder family members though are actually healthy enough to have a relationship with.

Is your mother actually emotionally healthy enough to have a relationship with?. It does not seem so. She is not now above guilt tripping you re your potential move to the coast. I would have no compunction about moving in your circumstances. Your DD will also learn from seeing her nan treat you her mum so poorly.

I would argue that your mother's personality has not fundamentally altered since she abandoned you as a child and that action of hers has affected you very deeply to this day. You have never been central to her life either and you still are not. She really does not have a leg to stand on.

You do not need her approval any more; not that she would ever freely give it anyway.

mrstweefromtweesville · 03/10/2015 18:02

We want to move to a nicer town, more work, nearer unis and near better schools etc. But I also don't want to strain my daughters and her grandma's relationship. Honestly

Your aims are honourable - my dd is doing the same, moving her family for her dd's future. You don't have to hang on for the generation 'gone' (even if they're still with you), you have to move forward, that's life.

The grandma can keep in touch with your dd. She could write real letters, for example. giving your dd an experience most people don't have nowadays, of actual correspondence. That's such a good idea - I'll write to my little family when they move. Good excuse to buy nice writing paper and to think of something to do so I have things to write about.

Bluetrews25 · 03/10/2015 18:03

Assuming you are going to give her your new address (are you??!), try and get a house without a spare room so she will not be able to stay over at yours when she does honour you with a visit.
Happy packing!

zebra22 · 03/10/2015 18:04

She's upset, it will be a big change for her

I don't see why you need to get upset with her though

Narp · 03/10/2015 18:05

zebra

Maybe read what the OP wrote?