AIBU to be annoyed with my mum?

[Eveysdad]

Short story: we want to move near the seaside with our 2.5 yo DD. We've told my mum and instead of being supportive, happy or even excited that she would have somewhere to come on holiday etc. She's gone the other way, claiming to be devastated, turning on the guilt trips, getting upset and cutting visits with DD short if our move is mentioned.

I know she's my mum, I know she'll miss DD but we're only going to move 120miles away, 2.5 hours by car.
I feel like she's being a selfish * < insert whatever insult you see fit.

So AIBU getting annoyed and feeling like telling her to pull her head out her ass?

I just want my DD to be happy and better off, to have a childhood by the sea I believe would be far superior to drb and grey of where we are, a Midlands industrial town where the industry has gone. If we don't go, we'll end up stuck in this town forever and that terrifies me for her sake.

All of this I have explained to my mum, repeatedly, to no avail. :(

Just move.

Enjoy the seaside, the better amenities and lifestyle. It's only 120 miles ffs, I assume there's a train or something if she doesn't drive?

Stop justifying, apologising, defending or explaining. It's your choice, and your family. You don't need to get annoyed with her, just stop apologising, stop justifying and only talk about it in the context of the positives (seaside holidays etc.) if she wants to flounce out, let her. Don't let her guilt you into changing plans.

I live in an entirely different country to my parents - I'd love to see more of them but we Skype/call etc. It works, it's fine.

YANBU. She doesn't get to pick and chose when she wants to be a mother.

Do what's best for you and your family. If she persists, tell her you are doing just that, as she did when she abandoned you what was best for her.

If she comes to stay for a couple of days or whatever when you move, she will probably see more of your DD than she does at the moment.

Could she be thinking about her old age and you being there to help her when she needs it?

When I read your first post I was going to say YABU and you should cut her some slack, but having read that she didn't bring you up and doesn't currently have a huge amount of contact with your DD, YANBU.

Thanks for the update YANBU.

I actually don't think it matters what your relationship with her is like. I mean, obviously it matters, but even if you're close, and she's upset, I think that saying she's devastated, guilt-tripping you etc is completely inappropriate. I'm always taken aback at disproportionate responses on MN to adult children leaving town, or emigrating. I'm not from the UK, and my three siblings and I live in four different countries, none of them our parents', without them feeling they had the right to feel hard done by. Same reasons as the OP -- no opportunities at home. I'm sure they would have loved us to be closer, but I do find the expectation that I find so often on Mn (that adult children will settle locally) odd.

Thanks all for replies, just typing it out helps lol

Do what's right for your immediate family, the move sounds like a good opportunity.

I have a sore relationship with my mother, like you she didn't bring me up. I moved 1hr away from where I grew up, she moved 4hrs in the opposite direction so the combination of distance, practical arrangements of my young family and the already difficult state of our relationship mean we rarely see eachother. The main barrier is that I can't cope with her company for the amount of time that's required for a visit to justify the journey. She's a master of guilt trips, and I can't be doing with it.

I agree with you about the emotional stuff, moving, etc - but have you actually spent much time at the seaside? We lived in a well known seaside town for a few years. (no choice - dh was sent there with his job) In summer you couldn't get anywhere for all the tourists, and in the winter it was bleak, and everywhere was shut!

My father's side of the family is from the seaside, the Yorkshire coast. I used to holiday there frequently. I always preferred going up during winters, dramatic seas, powerful storms etc. Awesome.
But summer adventures were good too, rockpooling, paddling, sandcastles etc. Theres pros and cons wherever you move i think.

My parents lived 120 miles away North and for the past 18 years they've managed visits and vice versa.
If she really is that bothered, she'll move nearer. My mum did. Literally left everything behind and started a new life with us so she could have a more meaningful life with her two grandchildren.
Having said that, she did far more for us and with her grandchildren than your own DM.
You have said yourself, she is good at manipulating you. Just keep telling yourself that everything she says is a manipulative guilt trip.
You do what is BEST for you, your DH/DP and your daughter.

We live 120 miles from PIL. DH moved here to be with me. We live on the coast in Northumberland. SIL has now moved up here too. PIL are lovely and I think would move but have both grandmas to look after.

We see them about once every 6 weeks at least.

Move, don't worry if your daughter does not have a relationship with your DM, you don't want to see your daughter manipulated by her in there future becuase you felt a duty to stay. The clean start might be better for you than you think

She'll come round. In a way, I find it nice that she cares.

Sorry, wrote that after having read just the first page.

Your mother should not be guilt tripping you. Maybe remind her of the choices she made when you were young, along with the fact she has no right to tell you how or where to live. It's fair enough if she feels she will miss her family, but you're only moving to the coast - not blooming Australia.

However, as someone who was moved to a sea-side town at the age of 10, I really wish I hadn't been. It seems so lovely when you are visting, but the reality is it gets boring very quickly. There's nothing to do (especially if it's a village type setting you're planning to move to) and summertime is a bloody nightmare with tourists. It's always that bit colder than everywhere else, always smells a little bit, always bloody seagulls around and you never get snow (god as an adult, crap for kids). The novelty wears off very quickly - you say you'll be down the beach all the time, next thing you know you can't remember the last time you went. There were summers where we had to drive miles to get some petrol, because the local pumps were impossible to use, couldn't enjoy the local pub for weeks and wait until you hear the classic line 'we holiday here every year, we're practically locals ourselves" - brings out a special kind of rage. Ironically, I moved to a industrial town to get away from all that, the seaside will only ever be for visiting every so often.

Lol @ MrsGently.

I've no doubt it won't be the Sunshine and lollipops all the time, but if you're living in filth and scum, boredom and seagull poo is a step up. :)

If I told you where I used to live and where I live now you'd say I was mad for leaving me 'beautiful' home town (many have). The reality is, it really isn't that great. Not to talk about the economy of places like that - unless you are planning to move near somewhere that has a big-ish city near by? I mean if you're talking North East of England, fair enough - in comparison to somewhere like North Wales, which is a very different matter (just going by the fact you said Midlands and 2.5 hours away). Of course, not telling you what to do, just giving a view point on how it was as a child, growing up in the circumtances you want to move to. Couldn't pay me to go back to it, but we're all different.

"She sees us and DD once a week for an hour. It would probably be more but we're not close. She abandoned me when I was 6 and I was raised by my dad, she moved an hour away with my brothers and her new partner. < I'm now in my late 30s but I think this may have affected me quite a lot. "

"but I believe every child should have a relationship with their elder family members."

I think you need to think deeply about this belief of yours. In general I would agree with you, but that's where the relationship is between two 'normal' people. Where the elder family member is a manipulative selfish horror, the younger family member should be PROTECTED from them, and if that means a strictly controlled and monitored relationship, or no relationship at all, then so be it. Some relationships are harmful.

Your mother graces you with her presence for just one hour a week, and claims she'd be 'devastated' if you move? Really? You know she likes to guilt-trip. That's all she is doing. She won't be devastated; you must know that in your heart .

She abandoned you at six years old; are you willing to risk her abandoning your daughter? She's capable of it. Sorry to be so harsh, but you need to protect yourself and your daughter from this woman. Just because she gave birth to you doesn't mean she's your mum. You owe her nothing.

Eveysdad As the saying goes, you can't control other people's actions, you can only control your reactions to them. With your mum, nod and smile, nod and smile - she's being very unfair, but that's her problem not yours - and continue making your plans. All the best with your move x

She could get fucked.

Selfish cow

I grew up only seeing my grandparents on either side a couple of times a year. I have cousins ive never met and haven't seen most of the extended family for decades.

I'm not damaged by this.

Some people have their whole extended family within five minutes walk. That's great for them. Other people have families more geographically spread out. Great for them too!

You have to do what works best for you. If you move to another area for a better quality of life, work, new partner, etc etc, you are leaving family ties, free childcare etc. these have to be weighed up.

However in your situation, I don't think your DM deserves to be a big part of your life and your dd's life. The move will change the dynamic, weekly hour long visits may become monthly half day visits for example. But you do what is best for you and the family you've chosen to make. That's more important than the family you happen to have come frkn

what MrsGentlyBenevolent says - don't move to Wales, but near an English city is ok - or a town within reach of both? Ignore your mum - she's irrelevant in all of this. I say this as an empty nester.