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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is a cop out

33 replies

Perugia · 03/10/2015 12:32

DH and I have been together 8 years, we have one DS (18 months old) who is lovely but a handful. He is also a shitty sleeper. We both work, DH full time me 4 days a week. We have zero support from friends and family so we've struggled.

Last year we bought a 3 bed semi for a good price because it needed quite a lot of work. We discussed the refurbishment and agreed that it would take place over a number of years. That's not what is happening in reality.

DH has taken it upon himself to undertake large project after large project, these projects always seem to take up all of his free time including weekends, holidays and some evenings. First it was the flooring in the hallway, then the downstairs bathroom needed gutting and replacing now he's working on a fucking ridiculously ambitious gardening project which has taken MONTHS.

He absolutely refuses to pay anyone to do any work for us and insists on doing everything himself. This involves researching and procrastinating for ages before he actually starts any work. I admire his desire to make a lovely home for us, but he's always busy doing something around the house and leaves me to do all of the childcare, cooking and housework.

He's started talking about plastering the upstairs bedrooms after the bloody garden is finished. I'm fucking bored shitless.

I've started thinking in recent months that he's using the refurbishment as an excuse to avoid spending time with us as a family. He hates the toddler whinging and can't seem to cope with it for any length of time.

The lack of leisure time is really starting to get me down and I feel like all I do is work and childcare. I've said no more large projects for a while after the garden but he's accused me of being unreasonable.

AIBU?

OP posts:

sproketmx · 03/10/2015 12:38

Yeh I think you are a bit. We can't afford to pay people so that's what we have to do. He's trying to give you and your family what he thinks you deserve on a budget.

My hubby can be on call all night, then put a shift in all day, throw his tea down his reckon then go up on the roof in the pissing rain to fix the downpipe for 3 hours. Holidays skimming 3 rooms, weekend removing asbestos, half day at work and rest of the day laying slabs at home. It's not easy for them either. I'm sure mine would love to join me and the kids at the beach but he has work to do

19lottie82 · 03/10/2015 12:38

Hhhm I've just moved into a bit of a doer upper myself and although I can see your point, I canalso see your husbands. He wants to make a nice home for your family! Lots of women would kill to be in your shoes as their husbands never get round to doing these things!

I think the key is to strike a balance. Can you not tell your husband you're glad he wants to get he place in order but you still need him to do certain bits of housework every week, and set aside certain times / days for family time?

TheHouseOnTheLane · 03/10/2015 12:40

Being gentle here...I think yabu to a point. He is fixing the house and saving a load of money....the work done now will help you in the long term.

However, given that you work 4 days it is reasonable to want a break sometimes.

I would tell him that you are insisting that every other weekend is family time....this would encompass a family day out or lazy day as a threesome at home...and or both of you having a morning or afternoon to yourself.

Oysterbabe · 03/10/2015 12:41

Maybe agree a couple of days a week when he won't work on the house?

laffymeal · 03/10/2015 12:43

My dh used to pull this shite. He either worked weekend overtime or spent the majority of his free time holed up in the garage on some spurious diy project. Drove me insane and I felt like a single parent.

Original poster

Perugia · 03/10/2015 12:43

Every time I think about I feel like a righ old cow because I know he's doing it with good intentions. I'm just finding it very hard without his support on the weekends and he always seems to find an excuse not to be available.

It's the faffing I find most annoying. He will spend hours just standing around faffing and he can hear the chaos inside.

None of these jobs desperately need doing. I just feel resentment setting in because it feels like he gets to escape the whining and the whinging and the tantrums and I don't.

OP posts:

Unreasonablebetty · 03/10/2015 12:44

Do you have any idea how much money your husband is saving you by doing the work instead of paying someone?
Unless money is of no consequence to you maybe it would be good to try and appreciate what he's doing for your whole family?
Bored shitless? Take the kids out without him.
by doing things on his own he's literally saving 1000s. And you get to be bored shitless in a gorgeous house.

MissMarpleCat · 03/10/2015 12:45

Work out an agreed date and time when he will have dc so you can get a break.

Anomaly · 03/10/2015 12:53

Offer to do some of the work. I'd love to garden rather than deal with the kids!

Cel982 · 03/10/2015 12:54

YANBtotallyU, but then neither is he. I think there can be an element of escape from childcare by keeping busy with other jobs, even if it's largely unconscious. When my DH is off at the weekend, he tends to do a lot of cooking, which he feels is helpful to me and of course it is, but I sometimes feel what would be much more helpful would be if he'd take our DD out to the park for an hour so I could wash the dishes in peace. The unrelenting nature of childcare is hard to convey to someone who isn't doing it themselves.
Talk to him. Heap on the praise for all he's doing for your family home, which will be worth it in the long run, but explain you're concerned that your DC is missing out on time with him. Maybe you could agree that Sunday afternoons (or whenever) will be family time for the next while.

Original poster

Perugia · 03/10/2015 12:54

I think that's what I need. I just need a break. It's been so long since I did anything fun. DS has a lot of energy and I take him out, run him ragged, round the park, swimming, swings. I just long for a bit of time to myself.

I should be clear that in my view the renovation work can wait. He's just adamant that it needs to be done now.

I do feel like a single parent sometimes.

OP posts:

Spartans · 03/10/2015 13:01

Have a chat and tell him you need at lEast one weekend a month where he isn't doin any of it.

You say you know he is doing it with the best of intentions, so you know it's not an avoidance tactic.

Spend the spare weekends together as a family, but get some time for yourself too, even just a few hours.

It sounds like you just need a break and a bit more support with the toddler. You really need to have a good chat with DP. Sort what jobs need doing/ that he wants to do and go from there. You may feel they don't need doing, but he may feel different. We had our house remodeled. I hated it being not quite finished. The jobs didn't seem imporatant in day to day life but I just wanted it finished asap.

bakingaddict · 03/10/2015 13:01

It's no good living in a beautiful house if your kids have no recollection of doing things as a family or being with their dad. You never get lost years back again so tell your DH to wind it down a bit so you all get time together

Original poster

Perugia · 03/10/2015 13:08

Exactly bakingaddict - we agreed it would wait for a few years and it feels like he's just going ahead without me. Honestly Id like to help him but can't because of the toddler.

I was a stay at home mum for 14 months and needed him at the weekends, just to have a bit of support but still he plodded on with his DIY. God I was lonely.

OP posts:

Collaborate · 03/10/2015 13:17

Unless you have the same sort of skills as your husband and can lay flooring, replace a bathroom, or landscape a garden, YABU. There are things that need doing. That includes looking after your son and renovating the home (which you both agreed to). It sounds to me like your H has little to no free time. He may not be looking for you to throw a parade for him, but getting on his back because he's working so hard for the family is not going to go down well.

That said, maybe you do need some family time. If you have the money, could you have a weekend away?

bakingaddict · 03/10/2015 13:32

I think for some men like your DH it's more of a pride thing and a way to get out of the drudgery of childcare. He gets to go off and gets uninterrupted time on his pet project while you struggle on alone looking after the kids. Your getting the shitty end of the deal. Unless he gives some time back to the family then Tell him you want to sell the house and get something smaller that needs less work

Original poster

Perugia · 03/10/2015 13:36

I actually offered to role reverse a few weeks ago. I said "you watch DS and I'll sand the stairs" he thought it was hilarious. My father is in the building trade and I am more than capable of using tools myself.

I do feel like he doesn't want me to get involved. It's 'his house' 'his garden' 'his prpject'

OP posts:

herderofcats · 03/10/2015 13:40

YANBU.
My ex-neighbour used to do this to his wife. DIY-ing and gardening all weekend, whilst leaving her with two very demanding boys.

It's a cop-out, imo.

bakingaddict · 03/10/2015 13:41

There's your answer it's his vanity project

herderofcats · 03/10/2015 13:45

Once I remember the elder of the two boys joining his Dad in the garden. Within 5 minutes, the guy was yelling to his wife to come and get the kid. 'I can't get anything done!' etc etc.

What was he doing that was so important and difficult, that maybe, y'know, the little boy couldn't possibly have helped with?

Weeding.

for you.

Original poster

Perugia · 03/10/2015 13:50

He's building a wall at the moment. It's taken him 3 months.

I'll have a gentle chat with him tonight.

OP posts:

TTTatty · 03/10/2015 14:00

This is so a pisstake!
YANBU

He is using the DIY as an excuse to escape the daily grind of keeping house/childcare. Thought so before you had said you had offered but know for certain considering you offered to swop and he laughed!

The house could wait. I am assuming it is not inhabitable?

If you think more of the DIY being a hobby and then say is it okay for him to be off doing his hobby all weekend leaving you with the childcare would that be okay?

Am laughing at folks saying you should be grateful and how much money you are saving! He is opting out and that is not okay!

OurBlanche · 03/10/2015 14:01

No! Do NOT have a gentle chat.

Get someone, anyone to babysit and take your DH out for an afternoon, maybe a walk. Tell him that you are fed up of being a single parent and that the house simply is not his and his alone. Tell him that you both need to be involved in both house and family life and that his steamrollering you is not on - and yes dear, vetoing things, ignoring agreements and laughing at a role swap is steamrollering you to ensure he gets his own way, you know that, and so does he really!

be firm, not gentle. yes you appreciate that he is making a lovely home for his family but you are sad and getting angry that he is not taking part in his lovely family AND that he is stifling your enjoyment of it too!

Do NOT say it nicely, try to avoid hurting his feelings, just say it plainly, don't give him wriggle room. Cry AT him if you need to, he needs to see the effect his current focus has, no to be shielded from it.

His response to a plea for more family time will let you know all you need to know about the size of battle you may, or may not, need to fight.

Original poster

Perugia · 03/10/2015 14:25

The house is effeminately not uninhabitable. Far from it.

No you are right I should be more firm with him. I know to some outsiders it looks like I'm being precious but I just can't shake the feeling he's enjoying his newfound hobby whilst I play babysitter/cook/cleaner

I never asked him to start any of these large jobs, in fact I was operating under the agreement that we wouldn't start any major work until DS was older and life was a bit more manageable.

He leaves the house at 7 every day during the week, doesn't get back until gone 6. Every weekend rain or shine he's doing DIY, sorting out the car, going to B&Q etc. etc.

It's not unreasonable to want to spend a bit of time as a family. DS is increasingly clingy with him too as he hardly ever sees him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Perugia · 03/10/2015 14:26

Ooops autocorrect - I meant definitely not 'effeminately'

OP posts:

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