To think this is a cop out

[Perugia]

DH and I have been together 8 years, we have one DS (18 months old) who is lovely but a handful. He is also a shitty sleeper. We both work, DH full time me 4 days a week. We have zero support from friends and family so we've struggled.

Last year we bought a 3 bed semi for a good price because it needed quite a lot of work. We discussed the refurbishment and agreed that it would take place over a number of years. That's not what is happening in reality.

DH has taken it upon himself to undertake large project after large project, these projects always seem to take up all of his free time including weekends, holidays and some evenings. First it was the flooring in the hallway, then the downstairs bathroom needed gutting and replacing now he's working on a fucking ridiculously ambitious gardening project which has taken MONTHS.

He absolutely refuses to pay anyone to do any work for us and insists on doing everything himself. This involves researching and procrastinating for ages before he actually starts any work. I admire his desire to make a lovely home for us, but he's always busy doing something around the house and leaves me to do all of the childcare, cooking and housework.

He's started talking about plastering the upstairs bedrooms after the bloody garden is finished. I'm fucking bored shitless.

I've started thinking in recent months that he's using the refurbishment as an excuse to avoid spending time with us as a family. He hates the toddler whinging and can't seem to cope with it for any length of time.

The lack of leisure time is really starting to get me down and I feel like all I do is work and childcare. I've said no more large projects for a while after the garden but he's accused me of being unreasonable.

AIBU?

YANBU. I think he is using DIY as a convenient excuse.

Yadnbu we had to do a few projects since we bought our new house. We both work FT. You can get a lot of work done by professionals for a reasonable price.

We got a huge amount of work done on a whole existing extension which did not cost the earth and only took 2 weeks. On the other hand DH painted the sitting room which also in fairness required a fair bit of other bits and pieces doing, relocation of plugs, by a professional, installing be skirting also done by a professional but all in all the whole room took him a month and a half. It was a nightmare, it used up all our spare time and made a part of the house inaccessible. From now on we will save up and just use professionals over time.

When both parents are working outside of the home you need to prioritise the children/family over the rest of the time and while of course a home is part of that it is not everything. Your dh does sound like he is conveniently avoiding family time. Call his bluff and you take on one project and leave him with his DC for a few weeks.

Your original idea of manageable bits over a longer period of time sounds better.

YANBU at all and I am shocked that anyone would say otherwise. Your DH has unilaterally decided to go against what you agreed before about doing up the house. So it's not a case of him being nice and 'wanting a nice house for the family' - it's a case of him deciding that his personal views on a decision that affect you all override your opinion and what you previously signed up for. This is would be completely disrespectful and not on even if it didn't mean that he was effectively excusing himself from all general duties. I could understand if the home was uninhabitable - but embarking on a gardening project when your wife is at her wits end is the height of selfishness. I think you need to make him understand how severe his behaviour is. If you haven't already, break down what needs to be done (including both daily chores and family time) and explain in no uncertain terms that these things take priority over long term DIY projects. Ask how he'd feel if you decided to bugger off and start weeding the path or whatever. If he doesn't get how serious it is after being explicitly told, I'd honestly be reconsidering your future. You don't deserve to be treated like this.

In our house we called it baby avoidance work. DH loves to work on the house and garden and he took over my vegetable garden when DD was born. After lots of talking, he could see that he was avoiding the shit work. Even now, if something needs to be done, he will say, I promise it needs doing, its not baby avoidance work! A bit of humour helped in our case.

I think my dad may have been similar to your DH

He spent every weekend refurbishing, redecorating and in a lot or cases actually rebuilding the house I like to call home.

When he finally finished, he regretted all the time he had missed with us and his mates.

He wasn't resentful, just regretful

YANBU at all and I am shocked that anyone would say otherwise. Your DH has unilaterally decided to go against what you agreed before about doing up the house. So it's not a case of him being nice and 'wanting a nice house for the family' - it's a case of him deciding that his personal views on a decision that affect you all override your opinion and what you previously signed up for. This is would be completely disrespectful and not on even if it didn't mean that he was effectively excusing himself from all general duties. I could understand if the home was uninhabitable - but embarking on a gardening project when your wife is at her wits end is the height of selfishness. I think you need to make him understand how severe his behaviour is. If you haven't already, break down what needs to be done (including both daily chores and family time) and explain in no uncertain terms that these things take priority over long term DIY projects. Ask how he'd feel if you decided to bugger off and start weeding the path or whatever. If he doesn't get how serious it is after being explicitly told, I'd honestly be reconsidering your future. You don't deserve to be treated like this.

Nothing like a bit of an over reaction

OP YAbeingabitU. You need to take to your DH about how you feel

I think some pp are being unnecessarily harsh here. I'm sure you realise you are being unreasonable to an extent, but then I also think it's perfectly acceptable to have a break from the refurb projects. And I say that as someone who has spent 3 years and still going refurbing our house on a budget. Now we have the lo ny dh does most of the work and I the childcare mainly because I'm a perfectionist and get irrationally angry doing it but the house isn't going anywhere (I hope), there's no reason to do it NOW NOW NOW. Now we are moved back in to our house we are doing a little at a time. Like this weekend painting the skirting in the bedroom, which allows for family time too

I think YANBU

In our house we called it baby avoidance work. DH loves to work on the house and garden and he took over my vegetable garden when DD was born. After lots of talking, he could see that he was avoiding the shit work. Even now, if something needs to be done, he will say, I promise it needs doing, its not baby avoidance work! A bit of humour helped in our case.

I agree with this. My dh is great at DIY and has done most of the work on the house himself. Brilliant. I am so glad he is good at DIY and able to do this, but we discuss first what we want to do next and how that will work out. So he may say - are you OK with me fixing the roof on Saturday? Or - What have you got on this weekend? So if I say well I was hoping to do x, he and I will then discuss if we can work round it, or if he needs to do childcare, or if my plan can happen later etc etc.

And at times I have had to say, that could he please priotitise A over B, as A effects our daily life while B, nice as it is, is long term economic project. He doesn't always agree with me, but we talk about it.

Talk to him, and I would also talk about wanting a joint project. How about you start with those stairs??