IABU. Please help me stop being so envious and bitter.

[Somedaymummy]

I know I am being unreasonable and the guilt is compounding my feelings of worthlessness and bitterness.

My life has never been easy. I grew up poor, with an unstable parent who was a sufferer of mental illness. Moved around a lot, never had anywhere I could call 'home'. In my young adulthood I made many bad decisions whilst looking for a father figure, abusive relationships followed. Still had nowhere I could call home or anyone to share life with. I don't have any other family apart from a few distant relatives who live hundreds of miles away.

A few years ago I met the love of my life. We're happy, I was content, he is perfect, I thought that was it, after more than three decades of life seemingly happening to other people, I was finally going to get my happy ending.

It wasn't to be. We have been struggling with infertility for years and years. Failed fertility treatments under our belts. As a result we now have very limited finances, a strained relationship and I've slipped into what I assume is a depression. I am on medication for that and have had a few sessions with a therapist.

I look around and it feels as if everyone is living their lives, have family around them, have babies and children, lovely homes, great memories, have progressed in their careers, have disposable income... Whereas I'm floundering, struggling, with a barren body and a string of painful health issues, waiting for the day when my life starts. But it never does. I feel like I'm watching everybody else 'living' and I'm stuck here, becoming increasingly bitter.

I wasn't always like this. Infertility has been the thing that has tipped me over the edge of the abyss. It has made me feel envious, bitter and incandescent with rage that the universe could continue its battering of my spirit despite all I've been through in life.

My therapist keeps 'giving me permission' to feel this anger, to feel that it's not fair. But I feel like a petulant child. The woe is me mentality doesn't suit me. I've bounced back from so much, I'm scared I won't bounce back from this.

IABU, I know that. I envy friends when good things happen to them. Nothing good ever happens to me. Life is an uphill struggle. All of which I could deal with until recently, as it becomes clear to me that my dream of a family, something I never had, I will never have.

How do I stop resenting my friends? Resenting my DM for giving me such a shit start? How do I stop feeling like such a victim? I want to be content, that is all I've ever wanted. I never aspired to be rich, I just want contentment. The basics of family life. A life that only seems to happen to other people

Don't really know what to say to you as you seem to be very self aware of the issues hurting you. All I can say is having dcs brings as much heartache and worry as joy. Perhaps the people around you aren't as contented as you think, family life can be hard. Contented is Shangri la op, few of us get there.

Your post makes me think of Transactional analysis. It really helped me move on with my grief... Giving you petulent child a voice and a chance to let off steam is all part of the road to recovery. Also the bossy, bullying, harsh parental figure within. Learning to self parent with patiencevand kindness is also important. Realising that we have these within, and also a balanced and reasonable adult voice, and it is that voice to eventually develop, and to use to replace the unreasonable ones, with a more accaptable, kind and realistic view of reality.

I don't know op, only to say on the outside people's lives look perfect but they are not always as they seem.

As for the ball of burning resentment: for the physical feelings I go to to gym to try to release some, if not I ping a hair band on my wrist.
But long term I don't know.

it a very tough question you've asked and there's no easy answer.

All I can tell you you probably already know, but comparing your life to others is never going to make you feel better about yourself as you only see the superficial that they present to make themselves look good.

One thing I know for sure is that dwelling on the past stops you making the most of what you do have now. My mum died when I was a teenager and my dad quickly remarried to a difficult woman. My brother constantly blames this time in his life for ruining his future as it affected his self confidence and he's struggled with relationships as a result.

However, his negativity now is impacting him more than the short time when he was younger ever did. I can see it eating him up and stopping him working on the things he does have control over.

This may not work for you, but perhaps consider not looking at all the 'big' things that you don't have, the things you don't have control over, but try to focus on the things you do have and think about small things you'd like to do to improve the quality of your life.

Set yourself small challenges that are realistic to complete, maybe find a recipe for something you've not made before but sounds yummy, or take some arty photos on a walk and actually print them and display them.

Be proud of what you have achieved and try to look inwards and not compare.

You all speak perfect sense. I am stuck in the past. I don't know how I got here! Stuck in nostalgia, adding negativity to negativity. It's like being stuck in a pit of life-sucking misery, meanwhile the world goes on in technicolor and I watch from my cloud of darkness.

A few years ago I had a spark. I was confident, smiley, just got on with it. I knew life had dealt me a shit hand but I cracked on, tried to make the best of it. It's the ability to do that, that I've lost. I feel eroded. The straw that broke the camels back has never been more apt.

I don't want to be this person. I will follow some of this advice. I do want to stop comparing, it's destructive. I feel like a two year old who wants to have an enormous paddy because it's not fucking fair!

I think going through IVF seems to be one of the most soul-destroying, difficult, unfair and painful things anyone can ever go through. It seems to make everyone else's happiness enormous, and destroy all your own achievements.

I don't know what to say. I think how you feel is understandable, but of course you don't want to feel this way any more.

It's not fair that you should struggle with infertility. It's not bloody fair, but of course you don't want that to be the focus of your entire life.

So how do you move on? Are you continuing with ivf?

I really think that maybe some relationship counselling might help. You've had a horrible childhood, a difficult adulthood, and now you have a great dp but enormous stress has put that relationship on the rocks too. Rebuild your foundations. Communicate. Find a way back to you and him against the world. Choose a future together. Would that help? Taking some control of where you will go from here.

for you.

This resentment and anger may be a part of your depression so don't worry about feeling guilty about it. Your therapist says you have the right to feel this way and they know you better than us.
Your pain is palpable from your post but so is your redemption: you have real positives in your life which will, if nurtured, help you through i'm sure.
A few years ago I met the love of my life. We're happy, I was content, he is perfect,
You have a strong and happy relationship with a lovely man who sees who you are and the happiness you deserve. Contentment doesn't come because you strive for it. It catches you unawares in tiny moments. Recognise these and they will become a pattern. You are mourning the life you wanted but can't have. Of course you are devastated, and at your lowest ebb, but you will recover yourself eventually. In the mean time, be kind to yourself and those around you. Hug your man, smile over his shoulder and savour the moment. You will be OK, honestly. No-one's life is happy all the time, even if the veneer appears so, therefore comparison is pointless.

Throw your energies into something else for a while: a month, a week, whatever. Do things together. Keep yourself busy in the short term doing something you enjoy or feel strongly about and the next time you look up your view may be different. I wish you the best OP.

I'm in a similar situation (for different reasons) and tbh I wonder if it's just because I struggle to process and the anger so it's all trapped inside. The pain when I let myself experience how much it hurts is so overwhelming.

You're not alone and fixing it is very hard work.

OP, I really feel for you. I just want to echo PPs - you can't compare your inside to other people's outsides. You've done fantastically well from a very rocky start, and there are probably people looking at you with envy too...

I hope things improve for you soon.

I think it would help FYCATH, I feel like I've let him down with my broken body and broken dreams of family life. It's adding to my feelings of worthlessness. I can feel myself withdrawing, just like I did as a child when life got tough (which was always).

We are going to continue with IVF but I have to be well first. Mentally and physically. If I experienced a failed IVF right now I honestly worry about what state I'd end up in. I have never been more worried about my state of mind. I know what is wrong, I just need the tools to fix it. It's like watching a car crash, knowing it's going to happen and it'll be catastrophic, but being powerless to stop it. I need to find a way to stop it.

I don't want to be the person I'm turning into!

How far back have you gone in therapy.

Can you regress to being a child and (sounds cringy but it can work if your in the right frame of mind) talk to you as you were as a child. Understand the petulant child and let it all out. When you continually bounce back you brush over the problems and then they resurface. I'm a bouncer back to.

This sounds so blasé but have you thought about adopting. You could potentially help a child out even more then most as you've lived through a shit childhood to. Your understanding and empathy will be right there.

Nothing good ever happens to me

I know this feeling, it's shit. I'm 40 in a few months OP and things have been improving for about the last 5 years. The last two years have brought great happiness.

I had to wait a while, but it's here a the moment. I'm aware it might be transient but I'm taking what I can get.

To be honest, I had suppressed a lot of my real desires along the way. I lived in a sort of "must" and "should" place where I forced myself to do things I didn't want to do as a way of punishing myself. I didn't feel it was ok to feel my own feelings- a bit like you not wanting to let yourself feel angry.

It was only when I eventually allowed myself to feel all the things I had been suppressing, and admit to myself what I really wanted, that things began to improve. I hope they can for you too

Read "the secret" by Rhonda Byrne, changed my life, a bit American and preachy but the bones of it are bang on X X

momb A few years ago I met the love of my life. We're happy, I was content, he is perfect,

I did try and focus on this. It worked before, but now I feel like a burden to him. He desperately wants a child, and I am failing at that, which just feels like another great kick back down to earth from the universe.

You're absolutely right, I know I need to focus on the positive. It just feels so hard right now.

Sometimes focusing on the positive isn't a good thing. There comes a time when you have to dust yourself off and get on with it but don't push away your feelings.

Is your dh wanting a baby so much because he wants you to be happy.

Do you know what brand, I don't even know. Even he has started asking why everything is so hard. He didn't used to speak like that, he was always so optimistic. It's like my never ending bad luck has dragged him down too.

I've downloaded 'The Secret'.

maisie I hope one day I can write a post like yours.

You are not being unreasonable,youre going through a terribly traumatic hurtfull period and when you havent had the best start in life (my story is very similar to yours) any sort of failiure is a double whammy,as broken as we are as adults we seek to have things right and as a massive struggle got you to the point of your pinnacle of happiness,to be in a valued relationship to be loved for what we are broken bits and all is such an achievement and this is why you feel so very bad .....its like you were set up to fail,from the very early days and now you feel all that negativity right back from day one,its turned you inside back to the little girl needing approval and love and its a very vulnerable place to be.
But you are an adult,a very educated and informed adult youve come such a long way and yes you can feel anger and sadness and desperation at a situation out of your control but this is not the end of your ivf journey its a bump in the path,allow yourself to feel angry then in time positivity will come from it-seek comfort in your relationship a relationship you found after many hard times and own your life xx

I was really content for several years, always being grateful for what little we had, always being glass half full. Then a few things happened and I discovered that actually I have no-one that I really mean that much to and it made the previous contentment feel like it was a pack of lies.

This time around I just can't align my rational thoughts with my beliefs.

I detest all those sayings, stickers and cr*p about "family" because I don't have one, I have no-one who is really there for me, no-one who loves me for me despite my imperfections. The guilt I feel for being unhappy/not content etc is immense and overwhelming. I am tired of plastering on the smile and happy persona.

Sorry op I don't have any great advice, I have tried so hard and not found a magic cure only temporary respite.

dippy you made me cry with that. I will read and re-read when I can see.

Random it's horrible isn't it. Being unable to realign. It's as if I can't calibrate my life this time, the balance has swung the wrong way.

I finally thought I'd cracked it, that life would be ok now I have DP. But then infertility struck and it's as if it was a joke. Give me the promise of a family but then stop me in my tracks and ensure I feel as wretched as possible by making the man I love suffer too.
It's cruel.

Youre not on your own x

OP -I think you have every right to feel bitter and angry and you shouldn't feel guilty for these feelings. IVF is utter hell.

I would agree that you never really know what is going on in anyone's lives. I am lucky enough to have three beautiful children conceived through donor IUI due to DH's infertility. Not a day goes by when I don't think about how lucky I have been. But no one knows any of it.

From the outside, we have it all. But we are skint. I feel lots of guilt about my children's reactions when we tell them about their origins. I'm constantly stressed and the fertility treatment took its toll. I'm worried about my marriage as DH still processing the donor issue.

From the outside, we are probably one of those families...

I remember reading Alice Domar's book about infertility and one thing that really resonated and helped me was the research that confirmed that in later life, childless women were no less happy than women with kids. That gave me great comfort.

• I look around and it feels as if everyone is living their lives, have family around them, have babies and children ...
• I'm floundering, struggling, with a barren body. ...
• Infertility has been the thing that has tipped me over the edge of the abyss. It has made me feel envious, bitter and incandescent with rage.
• He desperately wants a child, and I am failing at that, which just feels like another great kick back down to earth from the universe.

I can identify with all of this, and 3 years ago was spiraling into depression for all the same reasons. Finding yourself struggling with infertility is a horrible shock, and is something that we are not prepared for in any way. I know how hard it is for anyone to say anything comforting because there is only one thing you want

Remember though, you overcame your past and found happiness with your DP, and that you had a spark, it's since the IVF that the spark has gone. I found a lot of support on the conception and fertility boards here OP. I wish i could give more advice, but i just wanted to remind you that you had the strength to get past your childhood and find happiness. Don't drown now in your past problems too. Focus on now, your relationship, and your health and happiness

I have had a pretty crap life, but the one thing that keeps me sane is GRATITUDE. If I wrote down my life story so far, I'm now 38, you probably wouldn't believe me. I have seen a psychiatrist and he said what I have experienced in my life is highly unusual and hasn't had a patient with so many awful things happen. But I am a survivor. People would call me "happy go lucky" personality. I am so grateful for all of the good in my life. Grateful that I have legs to walk, eyes to see, ears to hear. I am grateful I can turn on a tap and clean water comes out. I have enough food to eat. I live in an amazing country. Op if you can post on the internet then you are way ahead of many others. Be grateful you have an amazing man. Maybe you can't have children naturally but why don't you look into other options like fostering? There are so many children who have had an even harder time than you that need someone to love and care for them. You need to change your perspective and your attitude. Your depression will be making things look even worse at the moment, but YOU are the only one who can change your life. Why don't you try and make it better for somebody else? I hope I am not coming across harsh

Infertility tests your state of mind in the most unexpected ways. Have you looked on the infertility / IVF boards on here? I am on some (not ivf as we haven't got there yet) and they're very supportive. If you have a read, you'll see you are not BU.
I am a big advocate of getting your feelings out. If you need to cry, to moan, to rant, find a safe place to do that. I have cried to my DH with the guilt that I am the reason he's not a father yet. I have felt furious that, while I waited for the right man, the right job, the financial stability, nature played a joke and has made it so hard for us to have a family. It is shit, and you are allowed to feel that.

I think therapy will hopefully help, but please talk openly with your DH. Is he wanting a baby because you do? Is he worried about you and it's coming out wrong? Is he resentful that it's not a straight forward journey? You both need to be honest. What do you need from him? What does he need from you?
I'm not sure if it will help, but me and DH took a break from ttc. We went on holiday, poured time and energy into days out together, relaxing together and getting as healthy as we could. It helped so much, but this only works if you're a team.