IABU. Please help me stop being so envious and bitter.

[Somedaymummy]

I know I am being unreasonable and the guilt is compounding my feelings of worthlessness and bitterness.

My life has never been easy. I grew up poor, with an unstable parent who was a sufferer of mental illness. Moved around a lot, never had anywhere I could call 'home'. In my young adulthood I made many bad decisions whilst looking for a father figure, abusive relationships followed. Still had nowhere I could call home or anyone to share life with. I don't have any other family apart from a few distant relatives who live hundreds of miles away.

A few years ago I met the love of my life. We're happy, I was content, he is perfect, I thought that was it, after more than three decades of life seemingly happening to other people, I was finally going to get my happy ending.

It wasn't to be. We have been struggling with infertility for years and years. Failed fertility treatments under our belts. As a result we now have very limited finances, a strained relationship and I've slipped into what I assume is a depression. I am on medication for that and have had a few sessions with a therapist.

I look around and it feels as if everyone is living their lives, have family around them, have babies and children, lovely homes, great memories, have progressed in their careers, have disposable income... Whereas I'm floundering, struggling, with a barren body and a string of painful health issues, waiting for the day when my life starts. But it never does. I feel like I'm watching everybody else 'living' and I'm stuck here, becoming increasingly bitter.

I wasn't always like this. Infertility has been the thing that has tipped me over the edge of the abyss. It has made me feel envious, bitter and incandescent with rage that the universe could continue its battering of my spirit despite all I've been through in life.

My therapist keeps 'giving me permission' to feel this anger, to feel that it's not fair. But I feel like a petulant child. The woe is me mentality doesn't suit me. I've bounced back from so much, I'm scared I won't bounce back from this.

IABU, I know that. I envy friends when good things happen to them. Nothing good ever happens to me. Life is an uphill struggle. All of which I could deal with until recently, as it becomes clear to me that my dream of a family, something I never had, I will never have.

How do I stop resenting my friends? Resenting my DM for giving me such a shit start? How do I stop feeling like such a victim? I want to be content, that is all I've ever wanted. I never aspired to be rich, I just want contentment. The basics of family life. A life that only seems to happen to other people

I had never tried ADs until a few months ago when I realised I was sinking. They have made me feel like a zombie. I hate them tbh. Because they sap my energy, I feel I spend more time wallowing.

I'm hoping the therapy will help.

When I try and move I feel as if I'm shot down. So I'm keeping still and trying to find a way to compose myself.

op

Do you think that therapy is helping? I do wonder if you've been able to keep on going through the crappy stuff because you knew one day you'd get to where you wanted to be and you were getting there. Until you ran into the brick wall of infertility. So now all the other bad stuff has resurfaced because you can't get where you wanted to be. Suddenly you aren't able to resolutely push through it. I have nothing useful to suggest and I'm not going to suggest other routes to parenthood. But you do have to hold on to the thought that life may change in unexpected ways. Sometimes they're hard to live with. But you will find a way through.

I think that's probably it. The brick wall of infertility.

If I can't have a child, ever, then I would honestly rather be on my own. I would want DP to find someone to have a family with. I'm used to my bad luck, I refuse to drag him down with me.

I'm not going to say I understand. I don't. I don't think we can ever truly understand the pain of another person. All I can offer is and some positive vibes in your direction. Children do not need to be blood to be in families xxx

Sorry OP, it's hard to know what to say, but didn't want to read and run. I had a mc and was diagnosed with a medical condition that could cause fertility problems. I'm eternally grateful that i was able to go on to have 2 DC, but in the time of trying for almost a year to conceive Dc1 I felt despair that it would never happen, so can empathise a tiny bit.

I do agree with a PP that if your relationship is good, which it sounds like it is, and as your DP sounds a bit more accepting about a baby not happening, then you should prioritise protecting your relationship. It's very noble what you said about letting him find someone else to have a baby with if it doesn't happen with you, but he has chosen to be with you, he obviously loves you very much. Good men are hard to find, don't let him slip away if you really love each other.

I really hope it does happen for you. But if not, you may find that your feelings evolve and you feel more open to adoption etc. Its a hugely stressful situation and I do feel for you.

SomeDayAMummy, are you accessing the counselling services your IVF clinic offers because they have very specific services and experience and are often brilliant.

You mention something about old people alone, is this something that worries you? I have found a good way to combat that is by getting involved with local community things. Brownies or Scouts, or if it's too painful being around children maybe something like the Women's Institute or the Rotary Club, or if you're religious Church groups.

I know one of the hardest things around infertility can be a real feeling of disconnect from your community as so much of it revolves around children. Feeling you are part of the community and are connected to people and are not alone really can help.

I have been where you are and the uncertainty is so hard. I was very lucky to have a happy outcome and am going through treatment for a second and it is gruelling. Take good care of yourself. I have had acupuncture to support mine, it is supposed to help with success rates but I find it extremely relaxing and it may help.

I understand that he has chosen to be with me but I'm not sure I could live with the guilt of him never having a child. He's not used to the universe's onslaught that I am, I'd honestly rather it be just me.

I do feel a definite disconnect from everything, community, society, my own friends who are busy parenting. Nobody knows what to say to me. They always seem to be telling me how sorry they are to hear of the latest barrage of shot in going through... It sounds dramatic when I put it like that but it's actually depressingly accurate!

Someday are you taking anti-depressants? There are some that you can take during fertility treatment and pregnancy.

I am. But they do have horrible side effects so I'm hoping the therapy will help me find a way through.

YANBU

I am thinking fostering or adoption. Would you consider this? Really feel for you as sounds very tough.

I'm not ready to stop yet.

Have you looked into donor eggs? Chances of IVF working are much higher with donor eggs. The thought that we still have that to try is what is currently keeping me going as I head towards our second try at IVF with my eggs.

takes deep breath puddy, adoption is not easy. Have a google at the boss of Barnardos's saying that most parents wouldn't be allowed to adopt their own children if they had to go through the same process. The adoption process is very hard, normally involves older people and often rules out childless people.

There are a lot of ignorant people commenting on this thread. The OP has been through IVF and egg and embryo/blastocyst quality is assessed in that process. There is no reason to think think the OP should require donor eggs on the recommendation of Mumsnet if her doctors haven't suggested it.

*older children

Jessie, sorry x posted that wasn't aimed at you. Did your doctors say your eggs were poor quality? If OPs eggs are good quality then I don't think success rates with donor eggs are really relevant.

If I can't have a child, ever, then I would honestly rather be on my own. I would want DP to find someone to have a family with. I'm used to my bad luck, I refuse to drag him down with me.

Have both of you sat down and discussed this? I think your FP may surprise you, in a good way.

DP, not FP, sorry.

Remember that you are depressed so your whole thinking is warped.

booyaka no offence taken but I'm sure the others posting about donor eggs were doing so with the unwritten caveat "if relevant to your particular issues OP" as OP has not given any precise detail about her diagnosis. Surely we can post suggestions without knowing all the full details and leave OP to decide whether they are worth considering?

Since you ask, my eggs are simply old like the rest of me so DE would indeed improve my own chances. However my general understanding is that egg quality is the most likely reason for IVF failure at any age.
OP, . I only met my DH very late in life after some very tough times -I was lucky to have had a happy childhood but my parents both died young. I too felt so lucky to have finally found him after years of fearing that I would never find a partner and do wish the universe would just give me a break and allow me to conceive like all the bloody women around me.
I find that exercise is good for lifting my spirits. I also find that I attribute thoughts and opinions to my DH that he actually doesn't have, and he is very good at negating my catastrophic thinking when I do manage to open up to him about how I think he feels. Good luck.

Somedaymummy and all the other posters that have posted experiences, I too am a survivor of the crap childhood, bad luck and fertility rollercoaster. Not sure if anyone's mentioned this but if you're willing to consider adoption, I know quite a bit about it so am happy to share what I know. Also, Fertility Friends is a good infertility website and they even have live chat (when there are others in the chat room, it's often empty).

You're not being unreasonable at all, but society makes us feel like we are. It's very hard to "make" me feel something as I'm a strong person, I decide what I feel, but when so much pressure is put on, it is possible to MAKE someone feel something. I don't want to lie by omission so I'll have to mention that I'm pregnant now, but the feelings of rejection from being "infertile" (my infertility was mainly due to being single, if you see what I mean) were immense and I refuse to forget the way individuals and society made me feel. Being able to remain objective is the reason why I've survived and managed to stay a good person, but childlessness really tested this ability at times, so I know what you mean about realising you're not thinking the right way, but feeling less able than you were before to stop it. The reason I refuse to forget the way I was treated is because I have it in perspective, but the pressures of society would happily try and erase those feelings....in my opinion, people who suffer from childlessness (and that was me too for about 10 years) are a persecuted minority that no one really speaks up for. Those of us who have been through it are normally too knackered from dealing with the consequences to advocate for ourselves and fellow sufferers. And no one else speaks up for us, it's still a taboo.

Unfortunately there are a lot of selfish people in the world, and it's their fault that those of us that try, and also have such bad luck, aren't helped more. I could feel depressed about this but I feel empowered that i've had the balls to realise and accept reality, whilst at the same time trying to change it for the better and change my own life for the better. We live in a world that constantly vindicates families (as in parents and children etc) and constantly ignores our childlessness, when we're the ones that need the attention because we're the ones that needs help (ok some families with kids need help, but most don't), it's enough to put pressue on anyone's mental state. I really hope the replies have helped xxxxxxxxxxxxx