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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is 9 months notice too early for hen do?

35 replies

ZenNudist · 03/10/2015 09:07

I get an email from bridesmaid 9 months in advance 'it's time to plan the hen do!!'

Hmm wtf is planning a hen do 9 months out reasonable? I'm a bit over hen dos as me and all my friends got married about 5-6 years ago. 3 months notice was acceptable.

People used to wait until it was the year of the wedding. Wedding is next year in summer.

Common and garden night out in a city not too far away. Not some kind if holiday thing.

There's a bit of a drip feed on this (I don't know bride very well and don't know her friends at all but I wanted to show willing as invited). I mainly want to know how far in advance it's reasonable to plan a hen?

OP posts:
mrschatty · 03/10/2015 09:10

Hmm I'm not sure...

Plenty of notice means people can put a bit aside to afford it if funds are tight.

I don't think it's too early to give people a heads up and get some ideas together!!

DelphiniumBlue · 03/10/2015 09:10

I guess if its going to be expensive, or will require people to book time off work, then the more notice the better.

TheCatsMother99 · 03/10/2015 09:11

If the hen night /weekend was abroad then I'd say that it's not too far in advance but as it's in a city not too far away I think it might be a bit too early. 6 months in advance, yes, but 9 months might leave people forgetting about it and then making other arrangements in the meantime. If I were the person arranging I would get Xmas and new year out the way and then start planning.

Sniv · 03/10/2015 09:15

If it's a night out that needs that much notice, be worried.

"Everyone must have their hand-sequinned pig costume ready, and obviously we need to planning time to find suitable tractors for rent."

OwlinaTree · 03/10/2015 09:15

Don't really see a problem. You are being asked to commit to a date presumably. The earlier in advance they plan it, the more chance of everybody being free.

Just go with it!

TheOriginalWinkly · 03/10/2015 09:16

If it's in the summer I think that's quite reasonable, people are starting to book next year's summer holidays now.

Spartans · 03/10/2015 09:16

It really depends. If it's going to be a weekend thing and expensive, it will take a while to sort out. What dates, budget, what the bride wants to do, how far people would be willing to travel etc.

If it is a weekend it's likely to be a month or two before the wedding as well, possibly even longer. Dbro and dail had theirs 8 weeks before the wedding. So it could be 6/7 months away.

If it's a a few drinks down at the local pub the week before the wedding ten yanbu.

OwlinaTree · 03/10/2015 09:16

sniv Grin

BlinkAndMiss · 03/10/2015 09:17

I'd assume it was going to be very expensive and organised by a hen do-zilla. Run. Cry off.

AuntieStella · 03/10/2015 09:17

Well, if they're looking for ideas, with bookings and costing yet to be done, then I can see that a bit of early planning wouldn't go amiss. Also, finding out nice and early if any planned guests have dates when they're unavailable might be handy (as you can no longer rely on the party being at the traditional time of just before the actual wedding).

Though if you know which city it's going to be in, and that it's going to be similar to a normal good night out, it sounds as if some of the planning is already under discussion, and that you didn't mind that.

So was it just something about the email that riled you?

TeaAndNoSympathy · 03/10/2015 09:19

I don't think it's odd really. Presumably, she wants as many people as possible to be able to attend and by planning early, she will be able to minimise clashes with other people's summer holidays, family days out etc. Plus, if it turns out to be expensive, guests will have time to save up.

CMOTDibbler · 03/10/2015 09:19

If people are planning on a weekend away, then its very reasonable to plan this far in advance so everyone has a chance to work out finances etc

DH is planning a stag do for a friend who is getting married in June - working out the logistics so that its somewhere that all invitees can get to as they live all over the country, activities that suit everyone, and bring it in on budget. Oh, and a date everyone can make.

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 03/10/2015 09:20

I know someone who's been planning their wedding/hen night and counting down on FB for the last THREE years.
Perfectly nice person in real life but has had to be blocked on FB!!

Original poster
ZenNudist · 03/10/2015 09:23

One person can't say if she's attending as her shifts don't get released until dec/jan.

They chose a date that clashed with a big birthday of a close family member of mine. I didn't say anything as I figure I'm not really part of the group and bit confused why friends of the groom which is what I am are being invited. I worked it out that if family member is going to celebrate then they will do it the other weekend before /after their birthday and said I'd go to then hen.

Also got given the option if 1 night or 2. I have young dc, work FT so said one please. Then got told that they just now booked it for the 2 night crew only. At which point I lost interest in going. I don't know anyone well and am being asked to stay in a hotel with 2 other randoms who are presumably not part of the main gang.

We are still 8 months off. It's a big city there are 8-9 people going. Surely they could have got some accommodation altogether with this much notice.

I was more just thinking of well there's probably people on MN who will tell me that booking a weekend away that far in advance is reasonable.

But surely if you book so far in advance you make an effort to include everyone? 5-6 of the group (including shift girl who may of may not come) are staying in a 'posh flat' - so in one email we get told that the 3 people who are not well known to the group and coming for one night aren't booked for a the rest crow about his lovely the accommodation is. Biscuit they don't seem like a nice bunch so I'm not going.

It's made me think badly if the bride for letting this happen. She's been involved in all discussions.

OP posts:
Original poster
ZenNudist · 03/10/2015 09:25

Lol at sniv "hand sequinned pig costume indeed". I'm thinking of staying in the loop on this to see what costumes and activities get planned....

OP posts:
Original poster
ZenNudist · 03/10/2015 09:27

It's in April. I don't mind a heads up now- but actually having to book ???

OP posts:
Spartans · 03/10/2015 09:30

So you problem is with the group not the fact that's it's being booked in advance. So if you want to go for one night you have too book yourself?

To be fair when people ask 'how many nights?' I usually put what I want and assume they will pick what most people want. Not organise different length trips for different people. That makes it very complicated for one person to sort.

In a group of people there will always be people who can't go. Dates clash, don't know shifts, family events etc.

If they booked last minute there would be still people who can't go.

Maybe the groom suggested you were invited? Or the bride felt she should invite you to be nice.

Spartans · 03/10/2015 09:31

April isn't 9 months away

ShowOfHands · 03/10/2015 09:31

I think everything you've described both illustrates why people do it in advance (ironing out issues with other commitments, accommodation, work shifts etc) and also could perhaps, potentially hint at there being a bit of subjectivity surrounding your account of it all.

Forgive me, but it reads very much that you don't want to go, you don't like these people, you don't want to know or like them and you're determined to see spite where there is no spite.

Presumably the split over accommodation is (as you acknowledge yourself) just the difference between those going for one night or two. They can only make an effort to include everybody if you speak up. It sounds like they have tried to include everybody.

It doesn't sound like you should go. You're right. I don't think that's the fault of other people though. You don't want to go and I don't think you ever did.

Go on the stag do instead.

ShowOfHands · 03/10/2015 09:32

Oh April. Yeah, definitely not 9 months away. 6 months planning period for two nights away sounds normal.

Original poster
ZenNudist · 03/10/2015 09:38

I was Hmm to get an invite far in advance. I wanted to ask mN how far in advance they had experienced hen do planning for normal night out type things.

I've been to lots of hen dos. None planned 9 months in advance. I think: odd.

I didn't mind being told ' we are staying for 2 nights and cost for 1 night will be the same' I wasn't even asked that. They just went and booked to exclude 2/3 of the group. we were given an option: 1 night £50, 2 nights £75. I say 'just one please' then get a message saying I've just booked for the 2 nighters. I think it's off. I didn't get the choice. I

OP posts:
Obs2015 · 03/10/2015 09:39

Do you even get the feeling that you 'just can win', regardless? Hmm

If someone contacted me, and said .... I Know it's a long way off... But some people .. Shifts... Here's the date... 9 months ahead....
Do you know what I would do? (Not that anyone cares, but I'll tell you anyway!!)
I'd put it in my i-phone diary, text to accept, and think no more of it.

But it would appear that I am in the minority. And completely wierd...

Original poster
ZenNudist · 03/10/2015 09:39

This was in July!

OP posts:
Original poster
ZenNudist · 03/10/2015 09:41

I'm seeing b&g soon plus stag do is now being organised. So I'm trying to work out what to say tactfully about hen.

OP posts:
Obs2015 · 03/10/2015 09:43

I thinks it's best for all : you, them, us' on MN, everyone, if you just don't go.