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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Two years on......still cry ......miss my mum.

36 replies

Janeymoo50 · 02/10/2015 23:12

AIBU...I still cry, probably at least once a week, quite badly. She was 80. She Was fine (ish) until about 9 months before she died and then the last 9 months were just awful, stopped eating, got depressed (her), I still miss her so much it feels sometimes like a physical ache/pain, sometimes I even cry on the train or in a supermarket just randomly I miss her so much. Surely this is not normal?

OP posts:

thenightsky · 02/10/2015 23:16

Oh I know. My mum died 2 months ago and I keep having to dive into the loo at work to weep. I forget she's gone and ring her number often. I'm dreading tomorrow as I have to drive 5 hours to Brighton to empty her flat (its sold). It's the last time I'll see the inside of where she was last.

Welling up as I type this.

I don't know how anyone ever gets over the death of a mum, is it even possible?

shoopshoopsong · 02/10/2015 23:17

With grief there is no 'normal' you have to let yourself cry when you need to. Even if you can rationalise it was going to happen at some point, it doesn't take the pain away and that you miss them. I would suggest seeing a grief counsellor though as its horrible when if effects you in that way. Best wishes and sorry for your loss.

Pedestriana · 02/10/2015 23:18

I think it's normal, and I'm sorry to hear that the last months were so bad.
I've been working on some family history stuff recently and found some old family photos. This evening we were out and I suddenly felt very tearful for the loss of my mum (16 years ago) and dad (4 years ago). Like a huge hole had been torn in my chest.
It never goes away, but in time, the pain lessens.

ThoseAwfulCurtains · 02/10/2015 23:18

After 2 years it should be getting more bearable. Maybe speak to your GP. Though it can still occasioally upend me after more than 20 years.

Bostin · 02/10/2015 23:19

Sorry for your loss. I think it is entirely normal. You only get one mum and you had her in your life for such a great amount of time.
I lost my mum as a child and I felt that physical pain/ache for many years, but maybe as I have lived so much longer without her somehow it is easier for me.
Go easy on yourself.

shoopshoopsong · 02/10/2015 23:19

& no thenightsky I don't think you need to 'get over' it but only learn to live with and adapt to it, which will come eventually. Not where you forget them or don't still grieve but rather it's just not the only thing that consumes you

FriendofDorothy · 02/10/2015 23:20

My Mum died 2 years go on 25 of September. She was 63 nd died on hokidy if a heart ttck. I never got to say goodbye. I still cry and i miss her dreadfully.

moocowmrs · 02/10/2015 23:21

No no no you are not BU at all, my mum died 3 years ago she was 62, I miss her every day, I cry once a week probably big sobbing tears, it hurts how much i miss her, it's truely horrid, but and its a big but it gets easier with time.

bushtailadventures · 02/10/2015 23:26

Grief is such a personal thing, there is no right or wrong about it. My DM died 9 months ago, and I miss her every day, and I cry most weeks too. She had been ill for a long time, and I know she was ready to go, and I thought I was prepared for it, but it turns out I wasn't. I still take each day as it comes, some good, some not so good. From losing my grandparents(they bought me up for a time) I know that it does get easier, but it never really goes away.

Please be kind to yourself

Original poster

Janeymoo50 · 02/10/2015 23:27

FriendofDorothy..my mum died on the 30 August that year. I just never ever ever thought or realised how awful it is to lose your mum.

OP posts:

BagelwithButter · 02/10/2015 23:28

I think it's pretty normal.

6 years for me and I still get tearful sometimes. Agree with what the other posters have said. It can be useful to see a bereavement counsellor, It doesn't make any of the pain go away, but it somehow helped to be able to continue with life. That feeling of being an orphan is horrible. I use the metaphor of a ship with no anchor, drifting aimlessly (but that's just me)

catfordbetty · 02/10/2015 23:52

I was thinking how much I missed my dad today. He died six years ago. So, yes, normal ... but you get more used to it.

dontcallmelen · 02/10/2015 23:53

OP dont think its abnormal either. my mum died eleven years ago next week
Aged sixty two, I still miss her every day and still have a little cry every now and then.
Would also second pp re bereavement counselling, I found it really helpful it enabled me to say and express thoughts/feelings I didn't want to say to family and friends.

VimFuego101 · 02/10/2015 23:58

So sorry my dad has been gone 5 years. I muddled through pretty well to start with but it is not completely true that it gets easier - I have stopped waking up with that sinking feeling of doom before I remember he's gone, but it's still tough and almost seems harder now than when he first died.

Mermaidhair · 02/10/2015 23:58

Hi Op, you should come over to the bereavement board. You will get really good support from people in your situation. There is a huge thread at the moment for adult children who have lost a parent. You are never u reasonable when it comes to grief.

brokenhearted55a · 03/10/2015 00:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BagelwithButter · 03/10/2015 00:02

Feeling the pain here, it's really shit, isn't it? My life seems to have collapsed since my mum died. Was made redundant a year later which didn't help (understatement). Just can't seem to find joy in life anymore. Have two lovely children and have fun but, in general, feel meh about pretty much everything.

I left it too long to get help and now can't summon the energy/motivation to do much about it. So, if you feel your "normal" sadness turn into something deeper and more relentless, please get help.

Fuckwitteryhasform · 03/10/2015 00:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

swimmerforlife · 03/10/2015 00:10

So sorry OP This is totally normal as it's so recent.

I lost my dad when I was 14, although time has healed over the years with his death, I still think about him most days and I still cry for him when I get reminded of him or I am having a bad day, I feel robbed of a father when so many others still have their parents living and I haven't had my dad for 19 long years. He never got to see me graduate, walk me down the aisle on my wedding, meet my DS etc.

It was his birthday last weekend, I was a blubbering mess and all I wanted to do is give him a birthday card, not visit his grave.

I had counselling in my early 20s which helped me a lot to come to terms with his death over his death and I felt I could finally let go.

LifeHuh · 03/10/2015 00:12

My Mum died in 2003, and while it is easier there still are times when I cry,I still miss her and new things come up on a regular basis that I want to just ask her or chat about .
2 years after she'd gone I was still wrecked TBH - one of my friends still reflexively pushes the tissue box over to me if we're talking about family stuff because she got so used to me crying whenever Mum came up in the conversation . Which I do find kind of funny now- and I know Mum wouldn't have wanted me to be so sad.
OP, it will get easier, I think it's normal though. Losing someone you love is a big thing. Over time also I think the memories of happy times get stronger and the memories of the time when you lost the person get easier.

sandgrown · 03/10/2015 00:26

My mum died 20 years ago but sometimes a song or place reminds me of her and the grief catches me out. I do sometimes see a look of her in my children which is comforting as I feel she lives on.

TowerRavenSeven · 03/10/2015 00:50

I'm so sorry. I think it's totally normal. My mum died 15 years ago and I still think of her every day. The first few (2-3?) were awful and maybe around the 3-4 years I'd start to remember funny things about her that warmed my heart.

Just yesterday I thought "Must get mum something for Halloween, maybe a plant or something" and stopped in my tracks and thought, "how is it possible I'm still doing that".

Depending on your relationship, I think it's possible that you don't "get over it" as such but with time...I found it does get Better, not easier though if that makes sense. Again I'm so sorry.

Flaming0pie · 03/10/2015 02:29

Janeymoo50 YANBU she is your mum. You miss her and are grieving - it's all perfectly normal. I would like to say it gets easier with the passing of time but for me it has not. I have got to that horrible time in my life where my mum has been in my life almost less than she has not (big birthday coming up) She has not met either of my husbands (I am twice married) nor met my children. Not a day goes by when I don't think about her. I know it's not the done thing around here but can I just offer you some ((((((hugs))))))

Imustgodowntotheseaagain · 03/10/2015 06:21

for everyone who has lost their mums, and for brokenhearted who has a mum that isn't what she needs.

OP, I'd really, really recommend bereavement counselling. Not because what you are feeling is wrong - how can it be wrong? - but to help you ride out the storm, acknowledge your massive loss, and find a way to carry on. She hasn't gone completely because you love her, remember her and will carry her throught the rest of your life in your heart. X

I lost my mum very young at a time when I could put emotions to one side and focus on passing exams and getting to uni. It has been a long and difficult process getting that grief back out from where it was buried.

Slutbucket · 03/10/2015 07:41

Completely normal I would say. I'm nine years on now and the raw ache has gone but it's taken time. I would say when grieving your moments of grief still feel as painful but the timescale in between your moments will get longer.
What helps for me is throwing myself into being the best mum I can be.

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