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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to DH? To work evenings?

26 replies

benetint · 02/10/2015 20:28

I look after my toddlers in the day and I teach from home Mon-Thurs evenings till 9.30pm and Saturday and Sunday late afternoon. I absolutely love my work - it's my passion and it really helps us money wise. DH has never complained but a few friends have made comments recently about it not being fair on DH or sustainable for our relationship. His mum has hinted at him feeling a bit neglected. Please be honest if you think I'm being unreasonable!

OP posts:

LindyHemming · 02/10/2015 20:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mileend2bermondsey · 02/10/2015 20:31

Um, ask your DH how he feels?

Original poster

benetint · 02/10/2015 20:35

He says it's fine! But he's lovely and knows how much I love it so probably wouldn't say anything if it wasn't fine.

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Original poster

benetint · 02/10/2015 20:36

It's mostly friends who have sadly recently separated and I think they're just trying to be kind and make sure it doesn't happen to us

OP posts:

ooerrmissus · 02/10/2015 20:36

Bloody unreasonable of him to be working during the day when you need him there.

Feckin stupid thing to say. Tell them to sod off and mind their own business.

LindyHemming · 02/10/2015 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BalthazarImpresario · 02/10/2015 20:37

Would they say you were neglected if he worked evenings? My dp has worked nights since 1998, I bloody love it!

Tyrannosaurus · 02/10/2015 20:40

I think its fine, as long as you and DH do get some time to spend together. DH and I work opposite shifts, but we try to arrange it so that we get one evening a week to spend together. I think if you don't do that you are in danger of letting your relationship drift.

Jux · 02/10/2015 20:56

I think that your dh neglects you. You know you're feeling neglected. I'm not surprised your friends' relationships didn't work. All those men going off to work, Monday to Friday, I mean what on earth are they thinking?

Your friends are mad. Your dh isn't. You are fine.

ouryve · 02/10/2015 20:59

He probably feels as neglected as you do with toddlers to chase after while he has the audacity to go to work during the day!

His and your views matter. Everyone else, especially his mum who seems to think he's still a child, can butt out.

Topseyt · 02/10/2015 21:10

You do what is right for you and your family. Sod what anyone else thinks.

Talk to your DH. It is what you and he both feel that is important.

Money is also important of course. If you would struggle much more without your income then that would surely be a much faster way to wreck your relationship. It would for us anyway.

Spartans · 02/10/2015 21:40

If you are neglecting him, he is neglecting you, surely.

If you are both happy, crack on

Morganly · 02/10/2015 22:09

Neglecting him! Unbelievable tosh! You look after his and your children all day and then do paid work in the evening, earning money which goes into the family pot. It is OK to enjoy your work, you know. It doesn't make it an indulgence that you should give up if the man of the house doesn't like it.

His mum and your friends sound like 50s throw backs.

Hobbes8 · 02/10/2015 22:45

So he's not neglecting you when he goes to work but you are neglecting him when you go to work?

Lots of couples have to work opposite shifts because it's the only way they can afford to work at all.

MinecraftWonder · 02/10/2015 23:11

Tbh op, that sounds pretty miserable to me, even if you do enjoy the work.

Working weekends and until 9.30 most nights? When do you have family time? How often do you all sit down (or even just you and DH) and have dinner together?

You should work to live, not live to work.

ouryve · 02/10/2015 23:56

So which one of them should give up or cut down their job to achieve that, then, MinecraftWonder?

VimFuego101 · 03/10/2015 00:06

YANBU. I would love to do this while DH worked FT (or vice versa), a far better alternative than both working FT to me.

SevenSeconds · 03/10/2015 00:08

So you and DH have time together after the DC are in bed three nights a week (Fri to Sun)? That sounds fine to me

Original poster

benetint · 03/10/2015 06:55

Thanks everyone. I was really happy with the situation but the comments had made me doubt myself. Yes we get Friday, Saturday and Sunday evenings together. And I only work 5-7pm weekends so we can still have family days out.

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bittapitta · 03/10/2015 07:03

I would be livid if friends or family judged our well-oiled routine like that, especially with the undertones of misogyny (why can't you work and he can?) - tell them to bugger off! Me and DH over the years have used evenings to study and do freelance work. If he and you are happy then carry on.

Original poster

benetint · 03/10/2015 17:23

Thank you all loads! I'll ignore and crack on!

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MinecraftWonder · 05/10/2015 10:01

So which one of them should give up or cut down their job to achieve that, then, MinecraftWonder?

How should I know?

I'm just commenting that the dh working all day and the dw working all night sounds pretty miserable - it's not something I would 'choose' if it wasn't absolutely necessary.

PacificMouse · 05/10/2015 10:06

Actually OP thanks for that thread.
I am doing something similar (ie working late 3 days a week) and had been wondering if I was unreasonable to ask DH to do that. Most people around me (incl the dreaded school mums) certainly made me feel like this.

It's nice to see that I'm not the only one and that it's totally OK too.

Lonecatwithkitten · 05/10/2015 10:12

Being a separated person I would say they are projecting.
Yes part of my marriage problems related to me working nights and evening, but the fact that my ExH did nothing in the home during that time was the main issue. I was working full time with nights and evenings doing all the house related stuff and child stuff. He then felt neglected perhaps because there was nothing left off me to give.

Original poster

benetint · 07/10/2015 23:02

So sorry to hear that lonekitten xxx

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