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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I was unreasonable and I am sorry

78 replies

ShitHotAwesome · 02/10/2015 16:42

Went into a café yesterday with the DCs as DS needed the toilet. We frequent the place fairly often and they are happy to let us use the loo - they have a buzzer behind the counter to open the door to the toilets.

We got there and could see through the window that there was a woman in the toilets so knocked on the door but she ignored us. "pah" thought I, and went to ask the counter people to buzz us in. DCs knocked and peered in the window but the woman obviously felt that letting us in would be out of order which pissed me off 'cause, well, FFS we just want to use the toilet and all she had to do was reach her arm out and who the f* made her the guardian of the loo.
So, when we were duly buzzed in by the staff, I said a pointed "thanks" to the woman. Which I shouldn't have. If I had to say something (and I should have let it lie, I know), I could have said something a bit less unpleasant.
It turned into a bit of a row - she kicked off on one and I remained calm and just said that the kinder thing to do would have been to just let us in but she shouted and called me a bitch (which was over-reaction on her part, I feel)

Anyway, it was all a bit nasty and I am the one who inflamed it and I am sorry that my kids saw the angry lady (I told them after that I should not have said "thanks" in that way) and so on so I am giving an open apology to that woman as she must have been having a crap day or something to blow up like that.

Aaaand...that's off my chest!

OP posts:

OllyBJolly · 02/10/2015 18:15

Next time use a public convenience

Is there such a thing? Most I see are now boarded up/turned into cafes.

I'm not sure why people are so confused at the set up. The Starbucks I've been in have a door with code pad or a buzzer and that door has a porthole window. The actual cubicles are through the door.

In Scotland, if someone knocks on your door to use your loo, you are legally obliged to allow them. Allegedly.

Original poster

ShitHotAwesome · 02/10/2015 18:17

Spartans - exactly, I should not have said "thanks" like that, I was annoyed but not being reasonable, as per the title. I was being snotty.

The café is near a homeless facility and a mental health facility and is a chain, they do tend to have to buzz you in to the toilets. There is no sign up saying "for customers only" or anything, they just keep a little control.

As someone upthread said, the window is into a corridor off which the toilet doors are, not into the actual toilet. It was not staff toilets.

I have no idea why the woman got so mad - I was not nice, as I have admitted, and I am disappointed in myself but when I did my passive aggressive and unpleasant thank you, she kicked off shouting about there being a queue and she couldn't let me in and how rude I was...culminating in the "bitch" thing. She also told me to shut up and almost went to slap me so it was all a bit shocking and a huge reaction to my not-nice initial one, I think.

I did tell my kids that I had not been nice and I shouldn't have said anything. I definitely agree that my behaviour was uncalled for.

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 02/10/2015 18:19

Quite usual in old London Town to have customer only toilets controlled by the staff with either a code to be entered (Costa, for instance, prints them on the back of the receipts, to make sure you've bought something) or a buzzer system. I understand the set-up - I presume the glass door was to the corridor leading to the toilets, not the actual stall itself!

YWBU, and you said so. Fair enough.

Original poster

ShitHotAwesome · 02/10/2015 18:20

You knew the Roolz though, so why did you go to the toilet door first? If there hadn't been anyone there you would have had to go to the counter anyway.

It's not exactly strict rules - no sign up about it and I have been there plenty of times and people will hold the door or open it for you if they are coming out and you are going in. I went straight to the door as the staff are busy and it sometimes takes a few moments for them to get to the buzzer. DS was bursting!!

OP posts:

NerrSnerr · 02/10/2015 18:21

I wouldn't let someone in the toilet if I was a customer using it. It's not my call, it's for the staff to decide who let's them in ( if I was leaving I wouldn't slam the door in someone's face but I wouldn't one the door while I was still using the facilities)

NoSquirrels · 02/10/2015 18:22

If that particular cafe is near to both a homeless shelter and a mental health facility, that may explain why the person you (wrongly) passive-aggressively thanked overreacted in the extreme. Generally best to just inwardly roll your eyes and try to do unto others, etc.

Original poster

ShitHotAwesome · 02/10/2015 18:22

So, in short, I do think she was being unhelpful and mean not to just open the bloody door.

However, I agree I was definitely unreasonable with my snotty "thank you" and it turned something mildly annoying into something quite unpleasant which made me think as I am usually a pretty tolerant and chilled person.
I think I am a bit more stressed these days than I realised and I need to be a bit aware of that and not take it out on random women waiting to use the toilet.

OP posts:

Original poster

ShitHotAwesome · 02/10/2015 18:23

Yep, no squirrels, next time I will not be unpleasant. I generally pride myself on being quite cheerful and pleasant.

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 02/10/2015 18:27

Let it go, let it go...

If you need absolution for your confession, I am happy to grant it. You were wrong, you have repented, you won't do it again. Enjoy your weekend and do something to de-stress tonight.

Sparklingbrook · 02/10/2015 18:31

If I understand correctly the staff have a buzzer to police who is and isn't allowed in the toilet. So it is not up to people already in their to let you in, in case you are someone the cafe owners don't want in there.

Original poster

ShitHotAwesome · 02/10/2015 18:32

Thanks NoSquirrels - I think I have just shown my Catholic upbringing here!!

OP posts:

Spartans · 02/10/2015 18:45

So the buzzer is there so stuff have control over who goes in.

So it's not really for the woman to open it. Yes her reaction was over the top, but when you get shitty witha complete stranger you have no idea what's going on. It's possible she had an epically ahit day and your dig pushed her over the edge.

Also you think the buzzer is there because of the nearby MH facility ? Maybe she had just come from their either a patient or visitor. You have no idea what's going on with a stranger. You need to pick your battles more.

I am sure you don't mean it to, but your OP comes across as though you aren't botheres at all and hoping that eveeyone tells you that yanbu. But your later posts don't.

Spartans · 02/10/2015 18:46

staff to let you in

ALassUnparalleled · 02/10/2015 18:54

but the woman obviously felt that letting us in would be out of order which pissed me off 'cause, well, FFS we just want to use the toilet and all she had to do was reach her arm out and who the f made her the guardian of the loo*

You sounded way out of line then and still do now.

Slammerkins · 02/10/2015 19:01

But you know the area and why they have the lock on the door and the system, so why not go straight to the counter?

I don't partularly care btw. Just mildly interested in the reasoning behind picking a fight with a random woman in the toilet.

VodkaValiumLattePlease · 02/10/2015 19:02

This is exactly why you shouldn't 'challenge' strangers, especially over something as petty as a toilet door. What if she was unhinged and that pushed her over the edge and she actually attacked you? I'm sure you don't want your children to see that.

Lizawithaz · 02/10/2015 19:18

What a load of nonsense about nothing.

Twickerhun · 02/10/2015 19:28

Not much you can do lie and sounds like you've learned a valuable lesson op in maintaining your grace next time.
Do you need anonymous posters who weren't there to absolve you of your sins? If so can you absolve me of my guilt too: I got shouted at for cycling on a pavement. I feel bad but sadly I do intend to do it again. Swapsies?

Bettercallsaul1 · 02/10/2015 20:46

Is this a general confession board? Excellent idea! Come on everyone - get it off your chest!

Owllady · 02/10/2015 20:51

Am I the only one that has weird toilet dreams?

usual · 02/10/2015 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sparklingbrook · 02/10/2015 20:53

No Owl, I have them a lot. What happens in yours? Mine tend to revolve around not finding a free cubicle or the doors not shutting properly.

usual · 02/10/2015 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Owllady · 02/10/2015 20:56

Mine are usually in very open places, no doors or blocked toilet a
I also have the stair dreams where they are not attached properly to the wall or they are unsafe and I have to crawl

People get on the bus in their underwear in luton usual. I often see it on a Saturday night

Owllady · 02/10/2015 20:57

Usual, you had a dream about pushing in, in Argos?
You need to get out more
Or were the staff all in their underwear?

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