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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wonder if parents' will isn't "fair"

200 replies

toastedbeagle · 02/10/2015 14:43

My parents have written wills recently and decided to split their estate etc equally between descendants rather than children. Do you think this is fair?
For the sake of argument let's say there are three children and three grandchildren, but unequally distributed. So estate divided into families would go 50%, 33%, 17%... But each person is only getting 16.6%.

I'm not sure if this feels fair, but on the other hand wills are for doing YOU want aren't they, not to keep people happy.

OP posts:
mumofthemonsters808 · 02/10/2015 16:50

I would leave it to my children and let them decide how to distribute their share. If possible I would like to give it to them in my living years, so that I could see them enjoying the money.

shebird · 02/10/2015 16:54

It is difficult and I guess your parents have decided that this is the fairest way to do things. The alternative would be to split equally between the DCs and leave it up to each family unit how to share this with grandchildren. This means that there is no guarantee that the grandchildren will get anything as the parents might choose to spend all the cash on themselves Grin

NoSquirrels · 02/10/2015 17:03

Do your siblings know about how the will is structured? If your DPs have discussed it with you, have they also discussed it with them? Can you not have an open conversation with your DSibling/s and gauge their thoughts on the matter?

After all, if they know and they're fine with it (and there is a provision for unborn GC, not just 'named' GC) then they might not care at all. In which case no action needed.

But if they do feel a bit wobbly about it, then you have the option of discussing your concerns and your siblings feelings with your DP. Who may then decide to alter the will.

It sounds like they're lovely people trying to get it right, so perhaps it's worth a discussion?

Fwiw, I don't know my DPs will provision, but I assume it follows my DGPs, who all left a specific (small) legacy to each GC, and the bulk split equally between their own children. Seems fair to me.

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 02/10/2015 17:04

It's more usual for elderly people to gift a set amount to grand children and then split the remaining estate between children.

My grandmother cut my mother out her will and left everything to me, my brother and cousin in equal thirds. Even though it was to my benefit I always felt a bit bad and that maybe my cousin should have got half (his deceased mothers share) and me and my brother should have got 25% each.

Brekekekex · 02/10/2015 17:07

My grandparents did this. 1/4 each to my DM, my DAunt, my DSis and me. My DAunt does not and will not have children of her own, but I was concerned that she might feel upset by the decision (we only found out after both of my grandparents had died). I asked her and she told me that my DSis and I were the closest thing to children of her own and she was delighted that we had a nest egg to help us out. Phew! Family rift avoided Smile and thanks to my beloved grandparents I have struggled rather less through what might have otherwise been financially tough years in my 20s, as I graduated into the teeth of the recession.

LastOneDancing · 02/10/2015 17:17

My GM's will was split 5 ways - 1/5 to each of her 4 offspring and the remaining 5th was split between all GC, GGC and a couple of GGGCS I think.

We were all extremely grateful and surprised and although I guess some branches of the family did get 'more', we all got the same as individuals. I think it was a fair way to ensure everyone got a gift from my lovely GM.

Bottlecap · 02/10/2015 17:17

My husband's parents have a substantial estate. We have two children (plus one on the way); my husband's sister (his only sibling) has no children. I would be pretty uncomfortable with an arrangement as you described, more importantly I suspect my husband would be as well. I think it would create a terrible rift.

TeenAndTween · 02/10/2015 17:25

I can see the argument for it, but it's not how I would do it, and not how it's been done in my or DH's family.

Split evenly between the children. Token amount to GC or GGC. The children can choose to pass over anything they inherit to their children, or not.

(And I don't think it is 'grabby' to ponder about this sort of thing. Unless things feel fair, people feel less loved at a time of grief if they feel they have been treated less favourably in a will. Which is why it is great to have discussions up front.)

Ta1kinPeace · 02/10/2015 17:34

Until they are dead you have nothing.
Learn to live with what you have now.

A family member who told us constantly that they would treat people "fairly" - to our faces over lunch
turned out to have written a totally awful will years before when they died
that left the remains of the family never speaking to each other again

Another family member proudly showed me the will that was to set me up in my married life
but by the time they died medical bills had swallowed every last penny

A friend was told in his dad's will that because he has no children (despite years of pain and trying) he did not need any inheritance as the family name would not carry on through him

Live on the assumption that you will get nothing
then anything you do get is a pleasant surprise

Corygal · 02/10/2015 17:36

Of course wills have to be fair.

I suspect that all the people shrieking 'it's a gift therefore no rules apply' would be heard complaining from across the Atlantic if they suspected they had been done out of so much as a penny.

Ta1kinPeace · 02/10/2015 17:37

Of course wills have to be fair.
Says who?

j21212 · 02/10/2015 17:38

My DH's grandparents left everything to their grandchildren. My DH is nearly 20 years younger than his sister and was born years after his grandparents died. Result sister inherited substantial amount, DH got nothing. It created a lot of family problems as several family members thought sister should have passed some money over. My DH was a small child at the time and didn't find out about this until he was 25 by which time his sister had distanced herself from the family. DH doesn't care but I can't help feeling that it would have been fairer if everything had been left to DH's parents and they then could have chosen what to pass onto their children. They weren't very well off anyway and probably could have done with the money themselves.

clairemum22 · 02/10/2015 17:44

I think it would be fair to split equally between the children and miss the grandchildren, but what can you do about it?

clairemum22 · 02/10/2015 17:46

And if wills aren't fair it can cause disagreements, arguments and sour family relationships. What a legacy!

PrincessFiorimonde · 02/10/2015 17:49

The money isn't being left to the "family units", though, it's to the individual people concerned, and will be theirs absolutely and not part of the family pot.

Well, yes, theoretically. But if you were planning to set some money aside for your DC to help them buy a car/put a deposit on a flat/whatever, and then they inherited money from their GPs - you would no longer need to set that money aside, would you? You could hang on to it instead. So in that sense (depending, I suppose, on the amount of inheritance and the ages of those inheriting), the money could be part of 'the family pot' after all.

katienana · 02/10/2015 17:51

My grandmothers will specified £1000 each for grandchildren and great grandchildren. My brother the youngest grandchild was the only one without any children. My 3 cousins all had 2 kids each. The pot of money was skewed towards their side £9k to them and £5k between my siblings. Did seem a bit unfair as my brother missed out purely by being younger.

roundaboutthetown · 02/10/2015 17:52

But if your children inherited money from their GPs, you couldn't force them to spend the inheritance on a car or a flat, just because that's what you've earmarked to save up for for them. They might choose to spend it on illegal drugs and alcohol...

roundaboutthetown · 02/10/2015 17:54

(Directed at PrincessFiorimonde).

roundaboutthetown · 02/10/2015 17:55

Are people arguing it is unfair arguing that grandparents shouldn't love their grandchildren as much as their own children?

SeaForests · 02/10/2015 17:55

I can see all the logical reasons that this is the right thing to do.

But, speaking as someone who is childless, single and grieving deeply over it, I would find it very hard emotionally.

Money doesn't mean love, but I'm very conscious of all the additional time that my parents gave to my siblings because they needed childcare. I'm also very conscious of all the visits that I made to them which consisted of my parents showing me videos of my DNs, all the phone calls which consist of my parents telling me about cute things my DNs did.

(Through my volunteering with elderly people, I'm also hugely conscious of the financial costs of being single and childless in retirement as well.)

I think it's lovely that the OP, as someone blessed with children, has taken the time to think about the emotional and financial welfare of a sibling who is grieving never having those blessings.

Scobberlotcher · 02/10/2015 17:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Andrewofgg · 02/10/2015 18:02

If I was rich, and divorced or widowed, and had, say, three children who had respectively three children, one child, and none, I would leave one third to be divided among the three, one third to the one, and one third to the child with none - treating each branch equally but skip generations where possible to avoid inheritance tax.

But that's what I'd do and by definition where wills are concerned it's up to the individual. Clients don't always grasp that their parents can cut them out for marrying the wrong person, including a person of the wrong gender or race or religion, or having the wrong opinions; and they aren't always pleased when they hear it.

PrincessFiorimonde · 02/10/2015 18:05

roundabout, yes, of course - I see your point. I'm just saying that it's not necessarily straightforward to separate money left to 'individuals' from money going in to each sibling's 'family pot'.

vdbfamily · 02/10/2015 18:09

My children aged 9,10 and 12 have just been left £1000 each by a great aunt who singled them out as she was closer to me than my brothers/cousins. The kids will spend it as they wish.DS has spent £180 on a remote controlled car and my 9 year old wants to put it into premium bonds. 12 year old would spend it all on clothes and make-up so I try and discourage that somewhat but she left it to them not me and not in trust either so it is their choice.
My parents plan to divide their estate between 13 GC. 2 of my brothers have 4 kids,one brother has 2 kids. I think it will be more use to the GC than to us and have no issue with more going in the direction of the brothers with 4 kids.The money is equal among the GC. However,I do not have a sibling without kids so that maybe changes things a bit.

PrincessFiorimonde · 02/10/2015 18:29

SeaForests I'm so sorry that's been your experience. I don't have children either (and also not by choice), so I know it's hard - but, luckily for me, I haven't have that fact rubbed in my face.

I'm sorry your parents are so insensitive. Flowers Flowers