To literally hate my life

[Lagoleee]

I am so stressed and unhappy and need to have a vent so posting here.
I'm endlessly cheerful and rl and I feel as though I'm living a total lie.

My mother is emotionally abusive and periodically very hurtful towards me. This has included nearly killing me and my 1 year old ds a few years ago in a fit of road rage. She is anything but a kind, loving support, but I have to support her. Nc is not an option.
I cannot bear my husband any more. He is a selfish lazy dreamer who expects me do do everything in the house, earn equally if not more, work more hours than I have child care so that we can live in an expensive house that he likes, while he spends our limited disposable income on things of his choice, such as a weekend break away with the boys. We have no fun together, at all, as there is never any money to and I don't even want to anymore. Its a loveless, miserable relationship that barely functions.

The job that I trained for years and years to do is now poorly paid, excessively stressful and very difficult to do properly thanks to endless cuts.
We rent an expensive house in a posh area that my husband likes but I see as a millstone round our necks as we can barely afford to live let alone save for our own house.
We moved miles from friends to live near a good school, and I now have a very limited social life and never have anything to look forward to break the monotony of near poverty in terms of disposable income (often cannot afford food for example) endless domestic duties, being the main carer for my children and a job in which I am overloaded and fit in 12 hour days around the kids and the house, meaning I'm often working from home at midnight.
We have no savings, no assets, no security. I have a tiny work pension.

I'm right in thinking that apart from being grateful that the sun is shining and my kids are healthy, this is a pretty shit life? I've got it really really wrong haven't I. I thought that if you worked really hard for a worthwhile career, tried to give your kids the best education and home life you could, things would fall into place. I feel like such a total loser and I just want to run away.

You're obviously really overwhelmed.

I think you need to write all of the above down but separate into each problem - then write solutions to each problem. You will see the areas of your life you're not happy with as more manageable chunks to tackle.

Obviously it's not going to be easy.

If you rent a cheaper house, you could work less hours is one suggestion. You could also move nearer friends and uproot DC while they're still young enough to adapt easily...

Also, spend less time with your mother. If you have to offer support, keep it to a bare minimum.

Thanks patience. I feel at such a dead end of options and I'm becoming so horribly bitter about it all, if not to other people then certainly inside my own head. I just can't cope with how physically there is so much to do- cooking cleaning food shopping working laundry admin- let alone loving times with my kids- and just no time or money for me to do anything that makes me happy, like joining a gym. I really really resent my husband and can barely talk to him. My mum- well I cope with her and block her calls when it's too much. Can't even enjoy sitting outside for a few minutes on a day like this.

The line I give other people on all this, who have normal parents, happy relationships, who bought their own houses years ago, who enjoy jobs in which they have seen a year on year salary increase, who live near their friends and now in the process of buying investment properties.... Which is why I think I am going slightly insane is...

My mum is such an eccentric bless her, haha! Oh it's amazing renting, you never have to worry about the roof or things like that. My job is so interesting, so secure, of course your niece/ nephew/ whoever can come and do work experience. I love living in a new area, so interesting, such great schools! I don't mind about never going out. I'm not really bothered about holidays, actually. I'm sure we'll be OK when we retire. Husband- oh what an eccentric! We muddle along. Kids are the best thing that's ever happened to me! I prefer not having a cleaner... Etc. Etc. Etc.

I'm living a total lie.

Then change your life. Why stay with a man you hate who spends all the money while you do all the work, in a house you hate?
Leave him, rent a smaller cheap place, get maintenance and claim whatever you can. IT's not easy but it can be done.

Everyone is responsible for their own happiness. Make a change.

for you.

I identify with some of what you say myself, the job part and lack of time. I did wonder if you had the same job as me until you said you were employed (I.e. had work pension).

Can you discuss this with h? Or have you discussed it to death? Is it time to go separate ways?

Is there any way you can cut ccontact with mum - forget if she is upset or whatever - or cut it right down. Anyone who nearly causes a road accident is a danger.

Does your husband think everything is okay? Can you talk to him?

Thanks haydee. Only just managed to scrape a permanent post. Thus tiny pension, being really really tiny. Been on fixed term contracts for years if that rings a bell with you.

Worry that if I make some serious changes I won't be any happier because I'm either always going to be unhappy- legacy of abusive patent- or because I'm actually depressed. Tried anti ds a few weeks ago and had a bad reaction to them. Waiting for nhs counselling appt.

Do you want us to commiserate with you, or do you want solutions?

Because if its the latter I would say: end your marriage and move to a smaller house in a cheaper area - hopefully one with reasonable schools. Those two things combined should massively improve your life. Your DH sounds like a selfish twat and you're working yourself into the ground to give him the house he wants in the area he wants. Fuck that. Do what is right for YOU. You're right - your life is shit right now and you're like a hamster pounding round on a wheel. It will take a major change (or two - as suggested above), to wrench you out of this lonely, twilight existence, but if you're bold and determined you can change things for the better.

Husband knows I'm miserable, over loaded etc. He feels too stressed himself to care particularly. He does about an hour of domestic stuff per day on top of ft job and feels extremely hard done by and angry that I want him to do equal to me. And I am crossing the line into hating him as a result.

Thanks jun. Solutions please. That would be a bold brave move. I do want to but even with the limited support h gives, i am trapped into thinking its better than nothing- have 1 year old and 5 year old so child care is cripplingly expensive.

Also no family, no good local friends- I feel so trapped.

Just want to run away, or turn back the clock and never to have got into any of this.

I can't see how changes could make your life or happiness worse, and you can make them straight away. I think you're the boiled frog and you can't see all the solutions available to you

Your DH will still be the DC's father and even if you split he will still have responsibility for them. He will have to pay you maintenance for them, for instance. As a LP you might also be eligible for certain benefits that you don't or can't currently claim. Its worth looking into. Break this problem down into chunks and then look at each issue separately (i.e. separating from DH, moving house, moving schools, DH's access/responsiblities to DC, additional monies you might be able to claim, etc). If you need help with those specifics pop over to the Lone Parents board - they'll be able to guide you through the maze. Its very intimidating as an idea, but people do split up, even with small DC and they make it work. The alternative is staying as you are. That's not really a choice, is it. Your mental health is already suffering and its not going to improve until you life does. Be brave OP

You're definitely not a loser - you're holding it all together, doing everything that needs to be done to keep your kids fed, clothed, schooled and holding down a job.

But having a parent who is/was emotionally abusive can warp how you see your place in the world. If your mum didn't give you enough (any) positive reinforcement, it can mean you desperately try to get approval/recognition from the people around you by being the one who does everything for everyone else. Your 'D' H reinforces this while you suffer in silence. Being a martyr to other people's needs and concentrating on what's wrong rather than fixing the problem isn't making you happy.

But you don't have to suffer. Decide what your boundaries are, say 'No' and stick to it. Where you are right now can be changed, and you can change it. What other people think about this doesn't matter - you're responsible for your own happiness, as Jawanna said. You can live with a partner who loves you (or on your own), in a house you like, doing a job you love.

Any partner that uses your income to go away with his friends when his own children and wife can't afford to eat is someone who should be given the boot (sharply and swiftly). You can do it

I would suggest you focus on one thing at a time.
With your DC's being young I would move house first. Tell your DH you are at break point and you are moving - and that will be with or without him - something has to give and if you are renting that looks to be the best start point.
Then you can start looking at different options for locations?

If your DH digs his heels in at least you then know where you stand with him?

Sorry that you feel stuck like this - you need to start somewhere to make changes - hopefully posting here is the start? Good luck!

You poor thing - that sounds terrible; I'm not surprised you're feeling so low and out of control.

On a practical note, I'd hang on to the prospect of counselling. Once you have dealt with your mother, then the other aspects of your life will begin to make more sense.

It's almost impossible to understand what the impact of having a seriously abusive parent can be. But it hangs over everything and colours your every move.

It took me a long time to get to the point of NC and it still freaks me out even today, but I'm a million times better for it, and I can recognise, (not always stop, but recognise) when I'm behaving in a way or accepting things that are a result of the nonsense I was put through as a child.

Get that counselling, and get away from your mother. You won't put up with your husband's crap once you've done that.

I may be going against the grain here, but I think the main problem, and one of the easiest to solve, is THE HOUSE. It's taking all your money, restricting your childcare options, social life and even your diets. Well, fuck it off. Tell your husband that you will no longer be working all hours to pay for a house you don't want to live in, and start looking for a new place (or let MN help you house search). You're only renting so it's not going to be such a massive expense to move.

I think once you've done that you'll feel a lot better and it will free you up in your mind to tackle the other issues.

Forgive me if I'm teaching my grandmother to suck eggs, but do you know about learned helplessness? I feel like that explains your situation right now. You CAN change things and improve your life - rescue yourself from this torment. But you've lost hope so you're not even trying.

STOP living in a house you can't afford that makes you miserable! Move back to a cheaper area and start spending money on things that give you the time and energy to fulfil your dreams and ambitions.

And think about whether the people you have in your life are really a positive force for good. If not, try seeing them less often. Or not at all. I am including your husband in this.

You do sound depressed/anxious, for good reason because this life is wearing you down. Speaking from experience the right medication can make a big difference to how you feel. I think you need to make other changes too, I'm just saying don't rule it out because it could give you the strength you need. There are many ADs and you may have to try a few but if you can bring yourself to, it could be worthwhile.

Your posts are written from the POV that you don't get to have a say in your family life, but you do. H wants a big house, well tough titty. You need to let him know that's not your priority and you have had enough of what you want not mattering. It's your turn. He doesn't have a leg to stand on if you both work, he should be sharing domestic duties and childcare equally. On top of that his spending and attitude mean you would be happier without him. You have the freedom to end this relationship anytime you want, move to a smaller place, separate your finances and remove his negative impact on your life.

The other thing is kids will grow and finances will get easier - it will be a slog but there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.

In the very short term think of something you would like to do this weekend - day trip/walk/picnic/meet friends/take kids to something and do it.
Leave all the housework/laundry etc for at least one day and just enjoy yourself - optional whether or not you invite DH - give yourself 24 hrs off and then tackle the rest. Good luck!!

You say Nc is not an option. I don't know your circumstances, but I do know that a few years ago I would have said the same, because my FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) towards my narcissistic mum was so strong. But you know what, it was an option. I just had to get to that point. I went NC this spring and it's such a relief.

I'm so sorry OP.

What is the situation on your house lease?
Can you move to a cheaper flat within the school catchment?

Do you want to leave your husband?

I assume you don't live with your mother, I'd put her entirely on the back burner for now.