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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To literally hate my life

47 replies

Lagoleee · 02/10/2015 13:56

I am so stressed and unhappy and need to have a vent so posting here.
I'm endlessly cheerful and rl and I feel as though I'm living a total lie.

My mother is emotionally abusive and periodically very hurtful towards me. This has included nearly killing me and my 1 year old ds a few years ago in a fit of road rage. She is anything but a kind, loving support, but I have to support her. Nc is not an option.
I cannot bear my husband any more. He is a selfish lazy dreamer who expects me do do everything in the house, earn equally if not more, work more hours than I have child care so that we can live in an expensive house that he likes, while he spends our limited disposable income on things of his choice, such as a weekend break away with the boys. We have no fun together, at all, as there is never any money to and I don't even want to anymore. Its a loveless, miserable relationship that barely functions.

The job that I trained for years and years to do is now poorly paid, excessively stressful and very difficult to do properly thanks to endless cuts.
We rent an expensive house in a posh area that my husband likes but I see as a millstone round our necks as we can barely afford to live let alone save for our own house.
We moved miles from friends to live near a good school, and I now have a very limited social life and never have anything to look forward to break the monotony of near poverty in terms of disposable income (often cannot afford food for example) endless domestic duties, being the main carer for my children and a job in which I am overloaded and fit in 12 hour days around the kids and the house, meaning I'm often working from home at midnight.
We have no savings, no assets, no security. I have a tiny work pension.

I'm right in thinking that apart from being grateful that the sun is shining and my kids are healthy, this is a pretty shit life? I've got it really really wrong haven't I. I thought that if you worked really hard for a worthwhile career, tried to give your kids the best education and home life you could, things would fall into place. I feel like such a total loser and I just want to run away.

OP posts:

badtime · 02/10/2015 15:33

I don't know why you think 'NC is not an option', but there is a whole spectrum of behaviour and relationships between 'NC' and 'allowing my EA, homicidal mother to continue her abuse'.

Your mother trained you to put up will shitty treatment and not leave, and now your husband is taking advantage of this training as well. You don't have to put up with it, you know. You should have a life you don't hate.

Original poster

Lagoleee · 02/10/2015 15:48

Thanks for messages.

Yes I do want to leave. Frightened of the fall out.

Yes I do want to go nc with m.

At the moment I'm also hating the toddler stage and weeping with misery when I spend time alone at home with dd. I'm thinking once this stay passed ill feel normal and be able to cope with my life as it is. With the added pressure of endless whinging, lack of childcare/ working round nap times/ serious lack of money/ total dependency I feel like I'm losing my grip on reality.... But then I think, well this is my reality. Its like I don't believe myself and how I feel if that makes any sense.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lagoleee · 02/10/2015 15:49

Of course painful guilt about being an awful mother like my mother abounds.

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AskingForAPal · 02/10/2015 15:57

What about moving house OP? I know that won't solve everything but what about what chocolateteabag says - tell DH you are moving and that's flat. Is that a possibility?

Is it actually that you want EVERYTHING to change but don't know where to start?

Have you got a trusted friend you could talk to? When I was depressed, when I finally burst the bubble and told friends I had been ignoring/putting on a smile for that actually I wasn't coping well, their support was surprising and incredibly helpful.

Being a miserable mother who wants to put everyone else first will not make for a happy childhood for your kids, compared to being a confident mother who takes control of her life and is able to enjoy it.

Original poster

Lagoleee · 02/10/2015 16:07

I know I just want them to have a lovely childhood and it's a disaster. The house is a state because I can't keep up with it, the food isn't nice because I don't have time , we don't do nice things because I'm exhausted, no local mates, no money... The more I think about it the more I want to curl up in a ball or run for the hills. When h is home later he won't do anything I haven't been able to get done so it will be a mess till I sort it , DD cries endlessly and ds has endless tantrums. I wish I had never even tried to be a mother when I actually have a realistic, truthful think about what it is like. Sorry for this endless rant I just feel on the edge of coping and don't even know how to put one foot in front of the other

OP posts:

AskingForAPal · 02/10/2015 16:10

Aww mate you sound like you need a hug, a break and some sleep. It feels like you're panicking?

What about a friend to talk to? Have you got one?

Bottlecap · 02/10/2015 16:33

Lago I had a horrible mother and I worry every day about inflicting the same kind of stuff on my kids that she did me. You're not your mother, the very fact that you are on this thread saying you want better for your children means that you are lightyears ahead of your mother. Toddlers have a unique way of draining you. Please don't be too hard on yourself.

You need to speak to someone who can help you to break this down into manageable chunks and form action plans. Are you on friendly terms with your husband? Do you think that he wants a separation as well?

Original poster

Lagoleee · 02/10/2015 16:45

Thanks asking- yes I'd love a hug!.my friendships are more distant now I'm a long way away... Feels a bit funny to call up and say I know I haven't seen you for 3 months but I need a good cry and a hug. No, not had a hug in a long, long time. Sorry everytime I start writing on this thread I just dissolve into tears as I think how far away my current life is from when I was last happy, pre h.

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Original poster

Lagoleee · 02/10/2015 16:47

Thanks bottle. I hope so. Sensible convo with h highly unlikely. I'll try to have an early night and try and do something nice tomo morn. Like have a coffee in town on my own. Now I want to cry again!!!

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AskingForAPal · 02/10/2015 16:50

That must be really hard.

If your friends have been good ones and you trust them/used to be close, I think they will surprise you. If one of them rang you up and said something similar, would you really mind? Or wouldn't you be quite touched that they still felt close enough to you to talk to you about this stuff? How about just ringing someone up today? Your mum and your husband - the people who ought to support you - are totally shite by the sound of it. So you need to find a kind heart and a listening ear somewhere else.

In fact I don't know where you are but if by chance you're in London I will honestly buy you a nice hot chocolate/coffee and let you cry on me! PM me if you want.

Original poster

Lagoleee · 02/10/2015 16:53

Asking, now I'm really sobbing that's so kind of you, but I left London! If I did I'd take you straight up on the offer!!

OP posts:

Bottlecap · 02/10/2015 17:09

Lagolee, take a leap of faith and call a friend. They won't let you down.

AskingForAPal · 02/10/2015 17:12

That's a shame. So - will you get in touch with a friend?

I think the key for you is to do one thing - just one thing - today, to help yourself. If you had a hard childhood, maybe you need a reminder that you are a good person who deserves kindness? You do.

I wonder if that's why you find this thread so upsetting, because people are listening to you, taking you seriously and trying to help you. Rather than ignoring your feelings or telling you you're not worth better.

Please be a friend to yourself. You are NOT helpless, you are a capable, nice adult who is free to change her life in a multitude of ways.

Now, how can we help? Househunting? Handholding?

BoskyCat · 02/10/2015 17:16

Oh Lagolee what you're describing is stress, anxiety and depression pushing you right to the end of your rope. I know how that feels and it's awful. You could go to the GP again and just tell them all this, they are there to help and they will take you seriously. If you tried ADs and it didn't work, ask to try something else.

As for your H, if his attitude makes a sensible conversation impossible, have a one-sided conversation. "I am not able to cope with this workload, this much housework and childcare, this house and this relationship. I need to make some changes and this is what they are going to be. I am going to find a smaller place for me and the DC. You will have to make your own arrangements or else step up and help me/do your share." He's not the boss of you. You have every right to lay down what you want and need, just as he has.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 02/10/2015 18:04

You are most definitely not stuck. You just need to make the changes that are needed. And you can do it. I did. I was in a LTR (20 yrs) and wanted out. It seemed impossible. But start with the finances. Once you are single, you will possibly be entitled to child tax credits, working tax credits and will have a reduction applied to your Council Tax. You can move to a smaller place and reduce your rent. You will be in control of all the money that's coming in (no-one to waste it on boys trips!) I was safe financially in my LTR and leaving a long marriage was (I suppose) a big thing, but I stumbled across this brilliant saying and kept repeating it to myself "The Ship is safe in the harbour, but that's not what Ships are for". I just love that! So, am now happily re-married and kids are fine. Not as well off, but who cares? Met the man of my dreams (who would still be searching for me, if I hadn't left ExH). Start tonight by googling property where you'd ideally like to live. You may even start to get a bit excited.....

Original poster

Lagoleee · 02/10/2015 18:20

Really inspiring lovely messages, thank you. Not called a friend yet mainly cause of dc, dinner, cleaning, milk etc... When I feel less vulnerable I may try a call tomorrow and just say to a mate I'm finding things hard. Thanks again. Wonderful advice, hand holding and support.

OP posts:

KatFleas · 02/10/2015 20:01

well what i would do in your situation is get rid of the useless husband.
move to a flat/house i can afford and move the kids.
Thats just me, life is to short to be pissed off all the time especially when you can change your situation.

naitimum · 02/10/2015 21:14

Looking after a one year old and five year old is hard enough at the best of times. Every thing else you have piled on top sounds really difficult and you are doing a fab job holding it all together and then you are able to come out with your statement to others about how ok you are with everything. Truth is though, that's a lie. That's crap. You feel sad, and that is ok too, as that shows you want to change something. Things may feel and look awful right now but they may not always, and you may need to make some scary changes but they might make things better. If you make no changes you will still be stuck in this cycle that you are in now, and perhaps that feels safe to you as that is what you are used to (I speak from experience here) but it doesn't mean that you don't want something different. Take care Lagoleee.

Original poster

Lagoleee · 02/10/2015 21:16

Bloody good point kat. What the frig is wrong with me?!

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Original poster

Lagoleee · 02/10/2015 21:28

Thanks naiti mum- that really struck a chord xx

OP posts:

justmyview · 02/10/2015 21:31

It's easy for people to say "Just go on strike" but that's easier said than done. An alternative would be to buy some "Bag for Life" and tidy DH's stuff into the bags. On the face of it, you've tidied up, so the house looks fine, but you're not skivvying around tidying it all away for him

AskingForAPal · 12/10/2015 15:44

How are you doing, Lagolee?

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